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Reviews for SLEEPOVER

By : Kttopper
  • From slayer-of-evil on September 22, 2014
    Would like to read more please & thank you so do.you write HP fics.
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  • From slayer-of-evil on September 22, 2014
    Would like to read more please & thank you.
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  • From MidnightAngel522 on July 05, 2010
    can you write more???
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  • From NettChan on December 02, 2007
    Liked it! It was sweet and funny. The writing could use a little more work(but dont worry, ;) so could mine) You should continue it (maybe have Lily accidentally walk in)
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  • From Sweetie on May 30, 2007
    Ummm... Wow. Awkward and Juvenile, yet somehow comical. Was it suppose to be amusing? I didn't necessarily hate it like everyone else did because you definately had a good idea going, but try writing another story when you're a little bit older or sexually experienced. Descriptions may come a little bit better then. Nice try anyways.
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  • From ANON - Astrid on July 08, 2006
    This sucks. I don't want to be mean, but this sucks so bad. It was an extremely good idea, and I love the plot. But it's one of the most despicably written stories I've ever read. And unfortunately it's the only Michael/Mia story in this category.
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  • From ANON - julie on July 07, 2006
    How old are you?
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  • From Nyxx on November 10, 2005
    Hmmm... not to be rude, but this was far from quality writing. You jump back and forth between his thoughts and speech- and her thoughts and speech- too often (if that's too hard to understand then you now know what your readers went through trying to interpret this fic).


    I'd recommend adding " " for speech and ' ' for thoughts. It really did seem so juvenile... Mia wonders if he is getting 'blue balls'? come on!!! And 'porn girls'? Honestly, this was very poorly written, I'm sorry. Here are a few examples on how to improve your writing and flow, and therefore your readers understanding:


    Speech example:: "Mia, please! Close the door!" he begged, his face pink with embarrassment.


    Thought example:: 'Oh god, he is so well endowed,' Mia thought inwardly, her gaze fixed upon his burgeoning erection.
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  • From ANON - anon on October 29, 2005
    That was hideous, i dont like to leav bad reviews but that really was awful, it was just so badly set out, i could hardly tell who was saying and thinking what and the little notes, "Mia POV" just interupted the flow of the story,
    Please dont write anymore until you properly consider what you are writing, get a beta or soemthing!!!
    x x x
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  • From ANON - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! on October 06, 2005
    .....this is so crap it can't be helped. u can't have ever had sex, this is just too awkward and uncomfortable to read...............
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  • From ANON - startled on October 06, 2005
    I have only read certain parts of this. And the only way I can summarize this is:
    ..................O.o?
    Okay, it's obvious from less than the half-way point that you have NEVER experienced sex, or you are just so poor at describing it and the feelings of a woman's first time, you give the same impression. And as well, the whole description of Michael's 'package' as you called it, with the colours, and the....well, a lot better work can be achieved.
    Plus, unless it's completely script form, it is not good to use *action* in a fanfiction. It makes it look cheap and noobish (my own way of putting it). Please, I'm not one of those reviewers who write "this iz a pece of shit, plz crl up and dy", but I want to say to please either improve your style drastically (perhaps get a beta? I'd be happy to help.), or to say as sympathetically as possible:
    IF YOU ARE UNDERAGE (which I think you may be) PLEASE STOP WRITING FOR THIS SITE!
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  • From ANON - Andie on September 29, 2005
    Wow.. that was..painful.. I want to offer constructive critisism.. but there is just no way to fix this. I'm sorry but your writing skills leave alot to be desired. Obviously you have never experienced any type of sex, and if you have, well, then you just plain suck at verbalizing feelings, and sensations. The descriptions were terrible, and the words used crude and unrefined. In other words it sounds to me like a child trying to imitate adult oriented material without a clear understanding of it.
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  • From Jacqueline on September 12, 2005
    Hmm...well, it was very descriptive...but I like the Mia and Nicholas relationship better...GOOD JOB!
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  • From harpling on September 07, 2005
    i realize you were trying to imitate the original style, but i found the switching viewpoints very confusing. maybe if you had told the entire story from michael's point of view and then the whole thing again from mia's, it wouldn't have been so disjointed. also, the scene itself was very abrupt. rather "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" which i really don't think michael and mia would have done their first time. and mia hardly got any attention at all! when is she going to cum?
    the premise is good and almost believable i did like the fact that you stayed fairly true to character.
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  • From ANON - ~Kat~ on August 07, 2005
    Well ok then... You have no idea how long I have wanted a smutty PD fic! Thank you!!!! Obvously this is not exactly a popular section but if you post more mia/michel fics I will deffantly read them!!!! Keep up the good work!
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