Click Here!

Reviews for Love Story

By : PeterH
  • From ANON - NightScribe on December 11, 2006
    I've only read the first two chapters, but interesting so far. I agree with the other reviewer on a few things (and please take this as well-intentioned concrit).

    There is repetition of words fairly frequently. For example, in the first chapter, sixteen (or sixteenth) and birthday were mentioned twice, and woman(hood) three times, all in the first paragraph. "Adulthood" for "womanhood" and "anniversary of her birth" or something like that could have eliminated the duplications.

    "the wind...stirring her long brown curls gently." A change to "gently stirring her long brown curls" causes the lovely image flows more rhythmically.

    "Persian upper class men and women and many upper class English and French and some American men and women." A slight change to something like "Many upper class men and women from Persia, England, France, even America, were in attendance." You get the gist.

    Also, when a new character begins speaking, it is always treated as a new paragraph; helps to cut down on confusion as to who is talking. So far (from the chapters I've read) you've got the plot and imagery part down; a beta could help you on your next fic to tighten things up. Keep writing and good luck!
    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    I wasn't sure about the time that your story takes place in. Hopefully, this might help.

    Car info sites:

    Carriages:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carriage

    First cars:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Model_T_Ford (In America)

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volkswagon (In Germany)

    More info:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volkswagon





    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    How about putting the cast of characters at the beginning of the story? Also, I could be wrong, but I don't think all of the males mentioned were in the story. Ex~ Damascus?


    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    So...was Merik a bad guy at first, then, after loving Christine, he turned good? Or, is he just a trickster/stalker?

    His magic tricks were both surprising yet frightening.

    The ending left me wondering if there might be a sequel.

    Also, did Erik give up being a crime lord? If yes, make that clear in the story.

    Your story is good, but it needs to be edited.


    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    OMG! U picked some hot guys to star in this story? Kewl. Gerard Butler...Richard Gere...Patrick Wilson...

    =Faints=


    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    WHAT?! She...with...Ivan?!

    I think I'm going to retch.


    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    but with a sinister back(g)round.



    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    Organize the title of each chapter. Right now, some are 19: 19 One word title. Others are 00000000765436790974337.


    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    I buried my best (friend).

    If Erik is a master crime lord, wouldnt he have been used to wackos like Raoul trying to assassinate him? Wouldn't he have carried how own gun? Or thrown a knife, scimitar, whatever? Or, even punjabbed Raoul?


    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    Please mention the names of all the singers whose songs you've used in your stories. Ex~ "How you turned my world you precious thing," by David Bowie, or the Goblin King, in Labyrinth.


    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    What do u mean by car? A carriage? A model T Ford? A mercedes? What? Could you please describe it better?
    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    Erik doesn't really beat disobedient women, right? He only said that to scare her?

    How about next time, he merely whip her tushy for being such a bad girl?


    Report Review

  • From ANON - Anon on December 11, 2006
    “Do you love you X (me)?” Christine asked him suddenly.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Anon on December 11, 2006
    Addict= A person who is obsessed with a drug, food, whatever. Person takes/does too much of something.

    Attic= The topmost storage area/room in a house.




    Report Review

  • From ANON - BRP on December 11, 2006
    Changy= Chagny.
    Report Review

T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!