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Reviews for What a way to wake up

By : JaceDamian23
  • From Blahsblah2001 on February 25, 2009
    Not bad, certainly not deserving of flames, however, I'd look into a beta. Watch your verb tenses, they flop from past to present to perfect like a fish on a dock.
    For instance, you can't say that you were doing something right now. Now is the present.
    Also, posting a disclaimer doesn't really help. It's like saying "I know my art is bad," and then being upset when people don't like it.
    That having been said, the beta'd version is attached to this email, in all it's grammatically correct glory.

    Couple inconsistencies I noticed in the story:
    Why does Bella recognize Tanya? They don't meet until the 4th book.
    Tanya has no problems with humans. Her eyes wouldn't be red unless she had recently fed on human blood. She may resent Edward for leaving her, and may resent Bella for the same reason, but it would have nothing to do with being human.
    Leaving a bitten human turns them, doesn't kill them. Tanya would know that.

    And then, after being drained by both a human and a werewolf, she would need a lot of blood replaced. In the time it took the wolves to have that conversation, the venom would have made it most of the way to her heart, more than half of her remaining blood would need to be removed. So maybe shorten their convo a bit?

    Then, if Tanya lied to Bella and Jacob overheard the lie, that doesn't verify the lie's truth. It would be very difficult to kill Edward with his family around, particularly Alice. Even if killing Edward was a snap decision, killing Bella wasn't. Alice and the rest of the Cullens should be on Tanya's heels, if not actually overtaking her.

    "she is probably having a sex dream about her dead bloodsucker, while I have a boner."
    This is the single funniest and most preposterous thing I have ever seen in writing. I am gonna wake my family up, I'm laughing so hard. The sentence after is a bit brash, though.
    Him talking to her while taking her panties off is also entertaining.
    I am curious as to where her pants went, though, seeing as it was five guys that returned her to an all-male household.

    I like Jacob's pov. Very very masculine. Some of the things they think are absolutely great. "Stop thinking about Edward Bella, you're sucking Jacob's cock right now."
    Priceless.
    But, it is impossible to smile around a cock, particularly a large one. Your lips are occupied.
    "Edward was dead anyway. They were Jacob's panties now."

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  • From ANON - Mai Malfoi on July 26, 2008
    Hey I have to agree with you that Edward and Bella forever belong together but that was a very good amusing story. I have to say I liked it. ^_~

    Keep Writing,
    Mai Malfoi
    *Beautiful Bad Faith*
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  • From ANON - Kay on July 26, 2008
    First off, I love you for writing me a BellaxJake story when I know you dont like them. So yay for that. Thank you.
    So I loved it, it was hot definately. And the whole Edward, dead thing? Brilliance. *happy dances* But I do have some criticisms. For one you make Jacob out to be this huge perv, who does a chick while she asleep.I honestly dont think that would happen, maybe its because I love Jake and I only see him through Rose-coloured glasses or whatever. Even Bellas character, she seems so innocent I dont picture he using words like cunt and cock and stuff. Idk. But your characters are a little too ooc for me. (haha Imma hypocrite. shh) But yea. Also, the whole Bella thinking of Edward while she was with Jake and grr. It was supposed to be a JakexBella smut, she shouldve been in love with Jake.
    So other than my personal opinions on how I love Jake, and you could tell you dont. And how the characters were a little too ooc for me. I pretty much adored the writing. You've got a way with words darling. Loved the details. ;)
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