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Reviews for Scorched, or The Effects of Acid Rain

By : AniCoolgirl

From ANON - K. R. Ukido on September 04, 2009
Oops. I don't have your email. So, I'll post them here, how's that? ...Uh, it's rather long. Please bear with me.

"Mo instantly bucked up off the couch and an inhumanly desperate whimpered…"

Suggestion: Mo instantly bucked up off the couch and a desperate whimper

Why: Wordiness. It sounds awkward to call a whimper "inhuman." And, also, mechanics. To say "whimpered" denotes the vowel form of that word. However, the context demands the use of the noun form "whimper."

"Out from the weeds tumbled Gwin the marten, a small bird clamped in his jaws and looking extremely pleased with himself…"

Suggestion: Out of the weeds tumbled Gwin, a small bird clamped in his jaws. The marten looked extremely pleased with himself.

Why: Misplaced modifier. This is like saying, "The chef held a tray laughing awkwardly." Because of the order used, it almost sounds like the jaws are pleased with themselves. So, it's a little awkward.

"Dustfinger yanked him viciously foreword…"

Suggestion: Dustfinger viciously yanked him forwards.

Why: First, mechanically speaking, a "foreword" is the part of a book that precedes the first chapter. A person other than the author usually writes this with the intention of informing the reader of what they will find within the content. The direction is what you want, and that is spelled "forward." Secondly, "viciously" is an adverb. This means that it describes a verb (i.e., "slowly breathing" or "grumpy mumbling."). It is simply misplaced in the context you used.

"Dustfinger fell boneless onto the bed…"

Suggestion: Dustfinger practically fell onto the bed.

Why: Since you can't say "bonelessly," it's better just to excise this completely.

"Touches were hesitant, thoughtful, and carefully place."

Suggestion: Their touches were hesitant, thoughtful, and carefully placed.

Why: Parallelism. The verb "were" does not go with the verb "place." Verbs must agree. Also, this is a fragment; therefore, I added the subject "their" to make it a complete sentence.

"They tested each other, moving about in each other’s space finding comfortable handholds that would lead to mutual pleasure."

Suggestion: They tested each other, moving about in each other's space, finding comfortable…

Why: This is a matter of punctuation. In this sentence, there is an appositive ("moving about in each other's space"). An appositive is a parenthetical insert that elaborates (i.e. "Her brother, Robert, took the toy.") An appositive must be punctuated with either commas or parentheses. It's a very common mistake.

"A short nervous laugh burst from Mo’s mouth."

Suggestion: A short, nervous laugh burst from Mo's mouth. OR
A short and nervous laugh burst from Mo's mouth.

Why: Stylistically speaking, adjectives should never be placed next to each other without some form of punctuation or conjunction (i.e. "The quiet, gentle child" or "The quiet and gentle child"). As with every rule, there are exceptions, but they are rare. In this case, a comma (or a conjunction, if you prefer) is necessary.

"…finally pushing the shirt of his shoulders."

Suggestion: finally pushing the shirt off of his shoulders.

Why: This can get confusing, but if you don't clarify with "off of," it sounds as if the shirt OF his shoulders is being pushed in some undetermined direction. Since shirts don't belong to shoulders, it's awkward. Also, feel free to eliminate the 'of' completely. I'm sure it was just a typo. :)

"He idly traced the skin of his neck and shoulders…"

Suggestion: He idly traced Mo's neck and shoulders.

Why: A common mix-up. Using a preposition to say the skin belongs to the neck and shoulders is a little redundant. It's common knowledge that the neck has skin on it, so just eliminate the confusing preposition. You would only use a preposition here to describe where the skin was (i.e. "He idly traced the skin on the back of Mo's neck.") Et cetera.

"He’d never even touched a woman that soft before."

Suggestion: He's never even touched a woman this soft before.

Why: Tense confusion. "That" is awkward when juxtaposed with the rest of the text's content.

"…revealing inch by inch his stomach…"

Suggestion: revealing his stomach inch by inch. OR
revealing, inch by inch, his stomach.

Why: Misplaced modifier. There's no real problem with this statement, other than that it sounds awkward. You can cheat (not really) and turn it into an appositive, or you can fix it. Personally, I prefer changing the syntax, but it's up to you.

"…bending his legs at the knees…"

Suggestion: bending his legs…

Why: We English majors love this one; it's called a "pleonasm." Legs only bend at the knees, unless the bones are broken, so it's a phrase that clumsily repeats itself. Better to just be rid of it than to worry about people knowing his legs will bend at the knees. They will. Trust me. ;)

"His lips paused at his navel and with a swift jerk, Mo’s blue jeans and briefs were down to his knees; Mo helped him along by kicking them the rest of the way off."

Suggestion: His lips paused at his navel and, with a swift jerk, Mo's blue jeans and briefs were down to his knees. Mo helped him by kicking them the rest of the way off.

Why: First, "with a swift jerk" is another one of those annoying appositives (and that was some annoying alliteration J). It can't have just one comma; either two or none. Of course, in this case, none would also be unacceptable. It's a fine line. Second, The Semicolon. This punctuation must be used with care. In this case, it's better to separate the sentence, because otherwise you get one heck of a long sentence that's very hard to read because it keeps going on and on and then; well, and then there's just this semicolon sitting there in the middle and I'm thinking, "Oh no, I have to read more?" Get it? Got it? Good.

"Mo nearly screamed when Dustfinger’s lips closed over the head of his cock; instead he bit down on the inside of his cheek so hard it bled."

Suggestions: Mo nearly screamed when Dustfinger's lips closed over the head of his cock, but he bit the inside of his cheek so hard that it bled instead. OR
Mo nearly screamed when Dustfinger's lips closed over the head of his cock; however, he bit the inside of his cheek so hard that it bled to prevent this.

Why: Banish the semicolon! Or don't, but use it right. Sorry if it's harsh, but that's how it has to be. Semicolons cannot (no matter what your English teacher told you) be used as substitutes for commas paired with conjunctions or periods. I knows it's very difficult to tell when it's acceptable; please try to avoid them at all costs.

"He went right lapping at Mo’s dick, but right when Mo was sure he was going to come, he pulled away."

Suggestion: He went right on lapping at Mo's dick… OR
He kept lapping at Mo's dick until the other man was sure he was going to come, and then pulled away.

Why: Don't really know, to be honest. It just sounds awkward. :)

"Mo found his hand creeping towards his hardness at sight."

Suggestion: Mo found his hand creeping towards his hardness at the sight.

Why: I won't ramble. It looks like a simple typo to me.

"Synchronicity, simple and all encompassing, consumed their beings."

Suggestion: Synchronicity, simple and completely encompassing, consumed their beings.

Why: Yeah, can't remember exactly why, but I know it must be so. Sorry. Will consult The Elements of Style when I'm not too lazy to get up anymore.

"Mo grunted and in a dizzying maneuver, rapidly flipped their positions, thrusting inside the other man with new-found fervor."

Suggestion: Mo grunted and rapidly flipped their positions with a dizzying maneuver, thrusting inside of the other man with newfound fervor.

Why: The comma is unnecessary. It's added a pause where no pause must be added. Also, because "newfound" is already a compound word, there's no need to make it one with a hyphen.

"All earlier hesitations and reservations were lost; they rushed forward in their passion, lost in the overwhelming heat of the moment; all-consuming, scorching heat.

Suggestion: All their earlier hesitations and reservations were lost. They rushed forwards in their passion, lost in the overwhelming heat of the moment; it was an all-consuming, scorching heat.

Why: Tsk, tsk. Semicolons again. Tricky, tricky. It's very difficult to use ONE semicolon in a sentence correctly. To attempt to use TWO is pure madness. Madness, I say! ;) Luckily, I like madness. Good effort!

"Fever dreams; painful, stinging, burning a black path across his mind."

Suggestion: Feverish dreams; painful, stinging, burning a black path across his mind.

Why: Fever is a noun. Feverish is an adjective.

"He dreamt of white women."

Suggestion: He dreamt of White Women.

Why: Cornelia always capitalizes "White Women," so I do too. You did the same thing in the next line; I won't quote it because typing the same thing twice is pointless.

"Silver rain, falling down, down, down and soaking the earth and making rainbow shadows.

Suggestion: Silver rain, falling down, down, down; soaking the earth and making rainbow shadows.

Why: You can finally use a semicolon legally! Yay! Try to avoid more than one conjunction in any sentence, unless if it is a compound-complex sentence or one with too much content to be divided only once. Even then, never use the same conjunction twice in one sentence UNLESS you are going for list effect (The hat and coat and shoes and shirt and gloves dripped with rainwater.) Again, use it sparingly, as it is (technically) against the rules.

"I am not magician…"

Suggestion: I am not a magician

Why: Eh, it's just a typo. I make them too.

Well, I thank you for an afternoon of fun editing. I love it when authors actually try to write well (just look at "inkweaver" to see what I mean about the other type) and I think you did one hell of a job. I love this story. It explains Dustfinger and Mortimer's relationship incredibly well. I think you're right, by the way. After Inkdeath, how couldn't people see that connection? xD.

Please note that I am not trying to insult you or anything like that. My explanations may be harsh, but that's the only way I know how to explain things. So please do not take offense. I am just one author trying to help another.

And keep writing, by the way. I would love to see a continuance of this, or more of your work. You've got talent.
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From ANON - K. R. Ukido on September 04, 2009
Ooh, I had quite a bit of fun with this. I'll be sending you an email with an attachment. The attachment contains a Word document with the errors I noticed, my suggestions for improvement, and the reasons I suggested those suggestions. I'm a seasoned beta reader and English teacher, so I promise you my critique has some value.

This was a great story. I had my suspicions, but the ending still surprised me. You captured Dustfinger's desperation very well, and as for Mo's character... well, all around a good job there, too. This is now my favorite one-shot.

I think I caught everything, but I'm not sure. I'll read this again once you make the changes (if you do; it's all up to you, after all) and make sure. Thanks for a fun afternoon!
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From TrillienRose on January 19, 2009
Holy cow. That was so well written! I really enjoyed it
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