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Reviews for Shattered Expectations

By : lenabear9
  • From ANON - Franie on October 22, 2013
    Im not as critical as the previous reviewer. I wasn't distracted by your pov's or breaks an although you do have typos and errors I dont believe it's something that is too severe. I really like your story and it would be pretty amazing if you continued on. I know it's been a couple of years since you started but I would encourage you to move forward with this story. Best of luck and I hope to see more of these "shattered expectations". ("
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  • From RogueMudblood on May 20, 2012

    The first thing I'm going to suggest is getting rid of the POV markers. They're distracting. I should be able to tell who is speaking in your story by the way you've written it. In this case, it's clear from the very beginning that the person speaking is someone outside the novels of whom we have no prior knowledge. When you switch to Jacob later on, you can accomplish this either using a break of some kind, or making a new chapter. If you're going to switch between multiple characters in the same chapter, a break such as

    ~*~


    is generally sufficient indication to your readers. It's less distracting, and keeps me enthralled with your story, especially given that your character transitions are flowing smoothly with your tale. It starts centered on Charlotte, then moves to Jacob, then moves to Seth, as each is introduced into the story to the reader.

    You've a few typos in your text:

    what I saw or now I survived it.

    deer that humane looking.

    lived in a hostile for six months

    my humane form and slipped by sweatpants

    You also have some repetition:

    There had been a squeal of brakes and the acrid smell of rubber burning as Jonathon slammed on the brakes.

    I always like to suggest betas to help catch these little things. You can peruse the forum here to find those offering their services:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

    I was extremely amused at your description of Bella and Edward's scents - Disgustingly sweet, it hurt my nose. Too funny! The nod to Little Red Riding Hood was also well done.

    I'd be very interested if you chose to continue this piece. I think you have a strong beginning and an engaging writing style (my only complaints noted above).

    Thank you for sharing and happy writing to you!
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