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Reviews for She Is

By : raynemoonfyre
  • From RogueMudblood on April 05, 2011

    Well, I looked and I thought, how can a story have 151 hits, and not a single review or rate?

    I'm going to try and tell you what I see as a reader that might explain that a bit.


    You start off with "Nasreen POV". When I'm reading a "switch-POV" fic, one of the things I look for is that the author can describe the character's thoughts well enough that I know who the character is. Admitedly, in this case, there would be a question, since this is an OC, but I would be able to determine that the character was not canon from their actions and interactions with other characters.


    The next thing I notice is the numerals in the text. I imagine a lot of people clicked, saw this, skimmed down to where you give physical descriptions of your OCs and clicked the back button.

    The number thing breaks up the flow of the story. Words in text help it flow better and help me to stay with you as a reader. Numbers make me stop, because my mind has to translate symbols - even if we're so used to doing it that we hardly realize it - and they interrupt my enjoyment of the story.


    The way you've introduced your characters is a little off-putting as well. It doesn't flow with your story. You've started to tell me that they're going out on the town then it's stop - Let's tell you what everyone looks like. While I appreciate being able to picture the characters as much as the next person, it should fit into your story.


    For example, you've named the bouncers "Angel" and "Bear". Now, without a description, I can imagine Bear is a rather stout fellow. I don't mean rotund, I just mean bulky. Just from his name. It would be the same if you had named him "Tiny" - because everyone is accustomed to the cliche. My point is, you've given me a visual image with their names; I don't need the full physical description.


    Where I would put some kind of description of your OCs is where Emmett is meeting them - they're being introduced to him, introduce them to me. Whatever you want the characters involved in that section to learn, I should learn as well. I shouldn't go into a section necessarily knowing more than every character, because if I do, I can get easily bored with your tale.


    Your change to Jasper's POV: Opinion differs on this, but I am a firm believer in what I said above-I should be able to tell who's "talking" by their characterization. The first line smacks a bit of Edward, but the fifth line tells me it's not him. If I had any doubt as to it being Jasper, it's clarified with "concentrate on keeping the emotions of the other occupants". My point with this is that the "Jasper's POV" and "Nasreen's POV" as section breaks should not be necessary - a divider - whatever type you choose to use - should be sufficient indication to me that someone else is about to start "speaking".


    I know this jumps about a bit, but this is just skimming the first chapter. I believe you have a story to tell, and from the way you've done certain things (the bouncers, the introduction of the mysterious "glowing", the casual mention of their status as witches) indicates to me that you could do this rather well. With a bit of polishing, I think you could have something here.


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