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Reviews for Persian Pleasure

By : Lomia
  • From IamtheAngelofMusic on October 26, 2005
    I do love Erik and Persian girls together...have you read "The Dance of Broken Souls"? It rocks. You rock too. More, s'il vous plait.
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  • From ANON - Provocateur on April 24, 2005
    Interesting premise. The M/F/F is a popular device in erotica, but it really takes a lot of vividness and intricate language to make it appealing. This story will work for some, but not others. My main criticism is that is lacks believeability. I know that in the fan-fic universe the characters are yours to do with what you will, but certain traits and nuances should remain true to the source. I cannot see Erik overcoming his inexperience, self-consciousness, and emotional detachment so swiftly as to please two women in bed so expertly. Not only that, I think the fact the the two girls got over their fear of him so quickly was stretching the story to the point of parody. They shook in fear when they were brought to him, then they suddenly become enthused simply because he asked them how they felt about their duties? It seems too surreal. Their reaction to his face was bordering on absurd. Fear to sexual arousal? No, his defomity would come as a horrendous shock to them both, and it would probably destroy any kind of sexual tension that may or may not have existed up until that point. The fact that mind-blowing sex followed the unmasking is baffling.

    On a stylistic note, you need to work on your dialogue a bit. Terms such as "screwed" were probably not commonly used in 19th century Persia. You insert 20th century slang and delivery (complete with quirky internal dialogue and flippant musings) into a historical setting, and in this case it doesn't work. Your story looks like a porn screenplay, even the title sounds pornographic. It's great fantasy material, and some people will find it highly erotic, but overall I would suggest working on developing the character's emotional responses to the situation, and trying to give the story some realism. The reader must believe that something like this *could* happen, so it must play out in a realistic manner that stays true to the nature of the characters.
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  • From ANON - Teflon on April 23, 2005
    Constructive criticism.

    This is an interesting concept because it hasn't been done before, but I can't help but feel that you turned this into an excuse to put Erik into a porn flick situation. He doesn't seem like the type to do two girls at the same time, and it kind of makes the story cheap. But work try working on it some more, see if maybe you could make it believable. Good luck.
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