Click Here!

  • 1

Reviews for One Bad Day

By : lantern1984
  • From Mamacita on June 16, 2010
    it's a misconception on the part of a lot of people that stories posted on AFF.net MUST contain smut. they don't have to! this is posted in exactly the right place. :) good job.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Anon on June 10, 2010
    For you to know a word like "aghast", and how to use it, you're clearly thoughtfull about what you write. I would recommend finding a beta if you can, and practise writing. You're at a pretty good start so far.
    Report Review

  • From RogueMudblood on June 09, 2010
    My first advice to you is to download OpenOffice and to please use the spellcheck feature. You have a lot of spelling errors:
    comming = coming stoping = stopping stabing = stabbing snaping=snapping (and more)

    As far as the content itself, I don't have enough actual knowledge of the Twilight universe (this is not my fandom but you asked for a critique) to give you in-depth characterizations, so I will determine internally, and not based on the fandom.

    --Bella seems to fluctuate between needy and fragilely aloof - which fits with the fact that she feels she has just gone through a traumatic event.
    --Edward seems to be protective carrying her in, and telling Jacob he doesn't want to know, but there's no real justification for his about face and immediate divulgence of the sequence of events that led to Bella's distress.
    --Jacob says he's her friend, and able to get through to her....but I don't see him actually doing anything until the end where he's trying to convince her it's all going to be okay.

    One inconsistency: How did Alice know anything about it? You said that Bella and Edward were on a date at the movies... And there's no mention of Alice having been involved in the debacle, so how did she know anything about it?

    I think you've got a good base for an idea. Develop it a little more and I'll try to give you more feedback.
    Report Review

  • 1
T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!