rate_review Reviews

Would like to read more please & thank you.

Would like to read more please & thank you so do.you write HP fics.

can you write more???

Liked it! It was sweet and funny. The writing could use a little more work(but dont worry, ;) so could mine) You should continue it (maybe have Lily accidentally walk in)

Ummm... Wow. Awkward and Juvenile, yet somehow comical. Was it suppose to be amusing? I didn't necessarily hate it like everyone else did because you definately had a good idea going, but try writing another story when you're a little bit older or sexually experienced. Descriptions may come a little bit better then. Nice try anyways.

This sucks. I don't want to be mean, but this sucks so bad. It was an extremely good idea, and I love the plot. But it's one of the most despicably written stories I've ever read. And unfortunately it's the only Michael/Mia story in this category.

How old are you?

Hmmm... not to be rude, but this was far from quality writing. You jump back and forth between his thoughts and speech- and her thoughts and speech- too often (if that's too hard to understand then you now know what your readers went through trying to interpret this fic).

I'd recommend adding " " for speech and ' ' for thoughts. It really did seem so juvenile... Mia wonders if he is getting 'blue balls'? come on!!! And 'porn girls'? Honestly, this was very poorly written, I'm sorry. Here are a few examples on how to improve your writing and flow, and therefore your readers understanding:

Speech example:: "Mia, please! Close the door!" he begged, his face pink with embarrassment.

Thought example:: 'Oh god, he is so well endowed,' Mia thought inwardly, her gaze fixed upon his burgeoning erection.

That was hideous, i dont like to leav bad reviews but that really was awful, it was just so badly set out, i could hardly tell who was saying and thinking what and the little notes, "Mia POV" just interupted the flow of the story,
Please dont write anymore until you properly consider what you are writing, get a beta or soemthing!!!
x x x

I have only read certain parts of this. And the only way I can summarize this is:
..................O.o?
Okay, it's obvious from less than the half-way point that you have NEVER experienced sex, or you are just so poor at describing it and the feelings of a woman's first time, you give the same impression. And as well, the whole description of Michael's 'package' as you called it, with the colours, and the....well, a lot better work can be achieved.
Plus, unless it's completely script form, it is not good to use *action* in a fanfiction. It makes it look cheap and noobish (my own way of putting it). Please, I'm not one of those reviewers who write "this iz a pece of shit, plz crl up and dy", but I want to say to please either improve your style drastically (perhaps get a beta? I'd be happy to help.), or to say as sympathetically as possible:
IF YOU ARE UNDERAGE (which I think you may be) PLEASE STOP WRITING FOR THIS SITE!