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All That I Am	By : kitten7315 Category: Anita Blake > Het Views: 5396 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Anita Blake series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Disclaimers: All characters belong to Laurell K. Hamilton except Caitlin and Alexander. I only twisted them in my mind’s eye.

Authors Notes: Special thanks to my betas Tamara and Rebecca. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

ALL THAT I AM

Chapter 1

Unexpectedly I found myself with 4 full days off. With last minute cancellations, Bert gave me the rest of today off as well as this weekend. I ran out of the office before Bert could change his mind. Now I find myself just driving around town reflecting on the past few years, enjoying the rare time to myself. I pull into a park I spotted and parked. Getting out of my jeep, I start aimlessly walking through the park enjoying the sunshine and peacefulness surrounding it. I sat down on the grass and leaned my back against a tree to resume my thoughts of the changes in my life.

So much has happened so fast, sometimes I found it all hard to deal with so I would just keep pushing it to the back of my mind to deal with later. Now it seems that later has come and I feel it all weighing heavily against my mind. The pard was the easiest to work out in my mind. I seem to have accepted being their Nimir-Ra and Micah as my Nimir-Raj. My relationship with him seems be unusual. He likes the power I have to keep our pard safe. Micah once told me that he would accept any relationship I was willing to give for that safety. For now that seems to be fine. Both our pards together seem to be getting along since we melded them. Working together, Micah and I are trying to make a healthy pard. I am starting to think of them as my family. Strange I know. Me, Anita Blake Vampire Executioner. Micah and I decided that once a week we would get the pard together and do something together like a “family” night. Normally we all go and have dinner and watched videos together. We are starting to get to know each other better. I hope that we can continue to come closer together before something or should I say someone else comes onto the scene and tries to kill me again. I think deep down inside I am making peace with the pard to myself. I still do not do the walking around naked but I am handling the constant touching and sleeping in a pile much better.

My mind switches gears to thoughts about Richard and how far our new relationship has come since after Mussett’s visit. We had agreed to start meeting once a week to talk about the pack and mainly just trying to be friends again. Some subjects seem to be still taboo. Like my relationship with Jean-Claude and Asher. Overall we are making the baby steps to a more healthy relationship. I come to realize that I still love Richard, but not the way I thought I did. Not the deep IN LOVE way that you would for all eternity, but the type of love that made best friends with shared memories and laughter. I really did not come to that realization until recently.

I was out with Nathaniel at the grocery store to pick up supplies for one of our weekly “family” nights for the pard. I split the list with him so we could get the shopping done faster. I never really like to go to the grocery store, that’s probably why there was never any food in my house. But, I was trying to make a home for my pard so every once in a while I would go with Nathaniel to shop, normally that is when he couldn’t find another ride and I needed to take him. I had finished picking up my part of the list and was looking down the aisles for Nathaniel when I spotted him helping an elderly lady with putting some items into her cart. As I wheeled my cart near them I caught parts of their conversation. From what I could gather the woman was picking up some items to cook her husband’s favorite meal because it was their 42nd anniversary. Nathaniel seemed to be in awe because he never met a couple that had been married that long due to his background with his family. As I got closer to them I heard him ask how did she know that she really loved her husband and that he loved her. Being how my love life was at that moment I was curious of the answer myself. I listened intently to the answer she was giving him. She had a very wistful smile on her face and merriment danced in her eyes. “I know he loves me because through everything, all the love shared, tender moments, shared smiles, heated arguments, hard time and tragedies, he was always by my side. He loves me the way I am, all of me. He once told me that he would never wants to change the way I am because that is not what he fell in love with. He fell in love with me for just who I am and was willing to grow with me, face what the world threw at us by my side, and know without doubt that I would always be by his side for anything until death. I love him for the very same reasons.” Those words were so simple but profound to me. I realized then that I didn’t really love Richard that way. I was always trying to change him from being such a boy scout, trying to get him to be more ruthless and less squeamish, trying to get him to accept his beast. Trying to mold him to the way I wanted him to be. That was a hard day for me to deal with; I guess the same could be said about how Richard felt about me. He couldn’t deal with the fact that I killed easily, the men in my life, me being more of a monster than him. It was one of the saddest days I had to deal with in a long time. I was finally ready to really let Richard go, to try and move on to another aspect of our relationship and be friends. I didn’t know if that was possible but I was willing to try.

I glanced at my watch and noticed that it was almost 1:30. My stomach was growling and I got up and started back to my jeep to find something to eat. Before I realized it I found myself in the parking lot of the Circus. I walked up to the employee’s entrance and Jason was walking out and did a double take when he saw me.

“Anita…what are you doing here?” Jason asked. He had a look of confusion and surprise on his face. Glad to know I can still surprise some people. “Just stop by to grab some lunch and see Jean-Claude when he wakes up” Jason stared at me with amazement. Confusion still plain on his face. I just walked past him and made my way down into the circus heading towards the kitchen. I felt Jason turn and follow me. He didn’t say anything until after I reached the kitchen and started the coffee. I just realized that he had not once made a pass at me. Hmmm….maybe I should take him by surprise more often. Chuckling to myself I looked at Jason and smirked. “What? No comments about how much you want me or desire to be my bed toy?”. Jason seems to snap out of it then. He smiled and said “I was just surprised that you willingly come down here without Jean-Claude asking to see you or you being mad at him about something”. I laughed and shook my head. Maybe I was just getting soft. “Well, I was on my way out. I have some errands to run before Jean-Claude wakes up.” With that comment Jason just turns and leaves. “Strange” I mumbled to myself. I make a sandwich and grabbed a cup of coffee and head toward Jean-Claude’s room.

I walk in and look at the décor. Of course Jean Claude has changed it again. The main color was a dark red with gold accents. My eyes fell to the bed where Jean Claude was lying. He is so beautiful. I still didn’t understand what it was that he saw in me. I waited for my usual uneasiness to come over me when I near his dead, ummm, sleeping body. However, all I could think about was being near him, touching him and holding him close. I made my way to the bed and eased onto it. I set the plate down on the bed and started sipping on my coffee. “I can do this,” I thought to myself. I placed my coffee on the table beside the bed and picked up my sandwich and ate it as my thoughts turned to Jean-Claude.

I have been dating Jean Claude and Asher for a few months now. It was strange to date two men at the same time on the same date. I find myself missing alone time with Jean-Claude though. Don’t get me wrong, I love Asher, but I feel much closer to Jean-Claude. We have been through so much together. Jean-Claude has been there through most of my changes in my life in the past few years and all the tragedies. I have begun to realize that Jean-Claude will always be there for me, always being at my side and if necessary he would die for me. My thoughts went back to the day that I killed Chimera. How Richard lost his will to live nearly killing me in the process. I really did not believe that if Jean-Claude was there he would have never lost his will to live and drag me down with him, he would fight and keep fighting in the chance that I would live. He would do it for his own survival and as well as mine. Jean-Claude may crave power, but he craves that power in order to keep himself and those under his protection safe. I really believe he does not want for those under his care to have to go through some of the things he did when he was a young vampire.

I have begun to understand the way Jean-Claude thinks. Sometimes that scares me. Me thinking like a monster? Who am I kidding? I might be more of a monster than any of them. Sighing I placed my now empty plate on the table and finished my coffee. I glanced back down at my beautiful lover and knew that our relationship is going to have to change. With that thought I got up and headed to the bathroom. Tonight I will talk to Jean Claude and discuss where to go from here.

I took a quick shower feeling more relaxed than I have in a long time. Wrapping a towel around me I headed toward the closet that Jean-Claude gave me, the one he puts all the clothes he “envisions” me in. I dug through it and found a beautiful black negligee. It seems simplistic compared to what Jean-Claude normally tries to dress me in. It had silver metallic spaghetti straps; the bodice was black silk with an empire waist that had silver ribbon threaded under the bodice. The rest of it was black silk full and short. It felt really soft against my skin. I glanced in the mirror and my breath caught when I saw my reflection. Jean-Claude always seems to know what would look good on me. Thoughts of how Jean-Claude would react to what I was wearing caused my body to react to my own musings. I found his robe lying across the chair. My favorite one, black with fur around the collar. I press my face into it closed my eyes and inhaled his scent. I love the way he smells. Quickly I put on his robe belting it tight. I climbed back onto the bed, sitting next to Jean-Claude, and waited for him to wake.

I felt something brush by me and fill Jean-Claude. I knew he would sense my presence when he awakened. He opened his gorgeous dark blue eyes and was surprised to find me looking down at him. “Ma petite? Has something happened?” Jean-Claude seemed worried. He knows I never liked to be around him while he was “sleeping”, so he is assuming there was something wrong. “No, nothing is wrong. I just wanted to talk to you alone tonight.” I said quickly so he would not worry. However, it seemed to have an opposite affect. Jean-Claude’s face slipped behind his usual unreadable mask but not before I saw the worry and fear pass across his face. He adjusted the pillows and leaned back against the headboard fixing his gaze on me. He thinks I am going to run again or break up with him. I can almost feel it. Jean-Claude blocked off the marks and was readying himself for the hurt and disappointment that I always seem to give to him. It hurt me to realize that I have caused him to expect this.

I crawled over closer to him moving and adjusting his robe so I would not fall flat on my face. I never said I was graceful. This action seemed to make Jean-Claude really look at what I was wearing. “I see you have made yourself comfortable ma petite,” Jean-Claude said with a hunger in his eyes as they roamed across my body causing me to shiver with anticipation. Pushing the sleeves of the robe up my arms I reached up and touched his face tentatively. Looking into his eyes as I lowered my head down towards his. Time seemed to slow; it seemed to take forever to reach his lips with mine. I watched as desire and love filled his eyes and I knew that I have made the right decision. Now all I had to do was to tell him. As my lips touched his I opened my end of the marks and let him feel all the love that I had for him. The feelings of how much I truly regret taking him and his love for granted. The feelings how much I believed that he would always be there for me. Our kiss started out tender and loving. The more that I let him feel what I was feeling the more devouring the kiss became. Jean-Claude groaned into my mouth and he slipped his tongue in my mouth tasting me. His end of the marks flung open and I drowned in his love. I felt tears well up in my eyes knowing I was going to have to be the first for once to initiate this, to tell him what I wanted and needed.

Jean-Claude pulled back and looked at me. “Why the tears?” he said with a slight frown upon his face. “I….I love you” I stumbled “I truly and deeply love you. I spent today going over my life and all the changes for the past few years. I have finally realized that you do truly love me and why. I know you have told me time and again. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to listen.” I looked down, not able to meet his eyes anymore. I was feeling a little ashamed of myself for taking so long to realize how much he loved me and how much I loved him.

“I have waited so long to hear you say those words with such conviction,” Jean-Claude said as he pushed my chin up so I could look into his eyes. I noticed he also had tears welling in his eyes. The mask was gone; I saw all the emotions that he normally hid from me on his face. I felt my heart swell with those emotions.

“Hold me Jean-Claude” I sighed. He gathered me into his arms as I snuggled down and placed my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around him as he held me tight. “I could stay here forever,” I thought to myself. Safe. Safe is what I felt when Jean-Claude had his arms wrapped around me. No one else could seem to make me feel that safe.

After what seemed like hours I finally sat up and looked Jean-Claude in his eyes again. “I have something I want you to do for me Jean-Claude”
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All That I Am