Adult-FanFiction.org : Books

Unspeakably Unspoken	By : tulleighmohre Category: G through L > Hitchhikers Guide Series Views: 2928 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hitchhikers Guide series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Unspeakably Unspoken
- 1
Unspeakably Unspoken

“Ford…”

“Hello. Yes?”

“I remember this feeling. Military academy. Bits of me keep passing out.”

“Yes. We’ve been through a matter transference beam again.”

“But we didn’t drink any beer first.”

“I know.”

“I don’t suppose you have any peanuts?”

“No. Sorry. You can suck on a corner of my towel if you like.”

“I think I’ll manage, but thank you for the offer.” There was a pause during which a lot of groaning could be heard while Arthur sat up. “Ford, where are we?”

“I’m not entirely sure.” There was a longish amount of time spent in silence before Ford added helpfully: “I can tell you where we were, if you’d like.”

Arthur Dent thought about this for a while before deciding that this information might scare him less than the answer to his earlier question would.

“Alright then.”

“Well, we were on Earth. Prehistoric Earth. We had just completed a rather lengthy and nasty ocean voyage on a rather small and unseaworthy raft.”

Arthur nodded. “What did we do then?” Of course, having been there, Arthur knew exactly what they had done then, but it was usually good to get confirmation on this type of thing. In this case, however, Arthur would welcome large discrepancies between his memory of events and the account that would be shortly coming from Ford. A discrepancy that would make Arthur rather pleased would be something along the lines that they had landed on a beautiful tropical island, where the local women, much further along on the evolutionary chain than the Neanderthals they had left with thlgaflgafrinchams, served them coconut cocktails and expertly massaged their shoulders and feet.

That sort of discrepancy would make Arthur insanely happy. For if Ford said what Arthur thought he was going to say, that they had not landed on a beautiful tropical island, but had instead landed on Prehistoric Norway where they had found Slartibartfast’s signature on a glacier poised ready to slide down the land to the ocean leaving an award winning fjord in it’s wake, Arthur would become quite upset.

“We landed on Prehistoric Norway were we found a glacier with Slartibartfast’s signature on it poised to slide down the land to the ocean leaving an award winning fjord in its wake.”

Arthur became quite upset.

After yet another longish time spent in silence, Arthur recovered enough to ask: “So… What happened then?”

This was the part about which Arthur’s memory became very fuzzy. At least, he hoped it was fuzzy because if what he remembered actually happened, he’d become very upset indeed and would need a nice hot cup of tea and a bit of a lie down to get over it. Arthur knew full well how impossible it was to get a nice hot cup of tea in a place like the place he suspected he was now in.

“Well,” Said Ford, “this is the part I am not too sure about.”

“Oh good.” Said Arthur. “That’s exactly how I feel.”

“Yes Arthur.” Replied Ford. “But you feel like that most of the time. I am not quite so used to it.” He ran his fingers through his hair and pulled his towel out of his satchel before continuing. “After we found Slartibartfast’s glacier, a ship appeared in the sky. I still had my electronic sub-etha signaling device turned on, so the ship picked us up.”

Arthur could tell that Ford was leaving bits out. The ship that had appeared in the sky had almost, but not quite, looked exactly like a Vogon Constructor ship. It had hung in the sky above them much the way he recalled the Vogon Constructor ship that destroyed/will be destroying Earth did/will do. It had hung there, defying all laws of nature in much the same way that bricks don’t.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Said Ford as Arthur followed his lead and pulled his towel from his rabbit skin bag. “But this isn’t a Vogon ship.”

“Are you sure?”

“Somewhat. I think so.” This was the point about which Ford was unsure.

Arthur let out a sigh of relief.

“If this is what I think it is, then it’s much, much worse than a Vogon Constructor ship.” Said Ford.

Arthur blanched. He could tell he was going to need two cups of tea, a very good lie down and quite possible a pair of Zaphod’s sunglasses.

“Pull the the Guide.” Said Ford. “Look up Heavelessars.” His voice was full of foreboding when he added: “If this ship is what I think it is we are about to get to know each other much better than I ever thought we would.”

Numbed by fear and confusion, Arthur blankly obeyed.

The Heavelessars are a well traveled space faring race. Ever since their planet was eaten by a Giant Space Goat fourteen millennia ago they have roamed the galaxy on a permanent holiday. Heavelessars are one of the most highly evolved, beautiful, delicate, knowledgeable and utterly loathed races in the galaxy.

The general loathing of this race is not only caused by jealousy of their superiority, appearance and intellect, but also because of the chaos they can cause by their mere presence. In order to avoid attracting hostility when they visit planets the Heavelessars have become masters of disguise and have learned to blend seamlessly into any alien civilization. They have even gone so far as to fashion their spacecrafts after Vogon Constructor ships to avoid being attacked in space. Seen at a distance, a Heavelessar ship looks exactly like a Vogon ship, and as most races prefer to keep Vogons at a distance, it is a highly effective disguise.

The main reason Heavelessars are unwelcome in other cultures is that they have incredibly low sex drive. To deal with this problem and thus save their race from certain extinction, Heavelessar chemists and biologists combined their formidable skills to create highly potent artificial pheromone glands which are fitted into every newborn and activate when the being reaches maturity at roughly 30 Galactic years of age.

Whilst these glands just barely boost the Heavelessar’s libido enough to prevent the extinction of the race, pretty much any other race in the galaxy, when they come into contact with/stand next to/be within a 10 mile radius of an adult Heavelessar will be turned into a mindless sex fiend.

Because of this unfortunate effect, Heavelessars are often mistaken by primitive races for gods and goddesses of love and fertility.

Any time throughout the history of any given populated planet when an unusual couple has suddenly and inexplicably jumped into bed together (King Edward Vand and Wallis Simpson, Zaphod Beeblebrox and Trillian, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, Severus Snape and Remus Lupin) or there has occurred a sudden frantic orgy, the presence of a Heavelessar was usually to blame. Lucky for most, the effects of the pheromone wear off in a day or so. However some couples, too embarrassed to admit a simple scent could send them off the deep end, remain together out of sheer bloody-mindedness.

Zaphod Beeblebrox, Galactic President and the hoopiest Frood in the Galaxy is suspected of carrying a small vial of Heavelessar pheromones with him at all times ‘for emergencies’.

************************************************************

If one were to say that, shortly after the Heavelessars realized their error and deposited the hapless hitchhikers back on Norway, Ford and Arthur began going at it like rabbits, one would not be entirely accurate.

Rabbits are small cute furry creatures native to the planet Ziegle 7. Due to a terrible breach of Galactic customs laws and a strong urge to conquer and destroy, they have been introduced to and have colonized many planets throughout the Galaxy. Due to their short gestation period, year round breeding season, young age of maturity, large litters and seemingly endless sex drive, they quickly establish themselves on any planet they settle to become the dominant species, consuming all vegetation, destroying the stability of the land cau causing the extinction of the local creatures by savagely out breeding and out competing them. However, more often than not, they fail miserably due to their small size and lack of any and all defensiveness and become an integral link in the local food chain.

On one utterly insignificant little blue-green planet which circles a small unregarded yellow sun in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy, they have managed to do both.

Although the sexual voraciousness of its its would seem to be a suitable metaphor to describe what Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect were doing to each other that very moment on the snowy ground of prehistoric Norway, it is, as has been mentioned before, not entirely accurate. This is for two reasons:

1. Ford and Arthur were not the same species, Ford being from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and Arthur being a futnatinative to the planet upon which they now fornicated.

2. Rabbits copulate for the sole purpose of reproduction with the aim of planetary domination. Ford and Arthur’s purpose was quite a bit less sinister, and quite a bit more futile.

It would be far more accurate to say that Ford and Arthur were going at it like a rabbit (on Viagra) and an Exploding Derriflaggle Beast of Lexon 4.

Here’s what that wholly remarkable book, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, has to say about Exploding Derriflaggle Beasts.

The Exploding Derriflaggle Beast is an evolutionary wonder. It is an extraordinarily ugly creature that lives in the forested regions of Lexon 4. All members of the species are technically male, but this does not seem to matter as their method of reproduction is asexual. One would think this would leave their male sexual organs with an abundance of free time. One would be mistaken.

The sexual organs of the Exploding Derriflaggle Beast are so hyperactive that if the beast does not manage to orgasm at least five times a day, their testes will become so overburdened, they will simply burst.

From the exploded remains will rise two new born Derriflaggle Beasts that then have twenty-four hours to screw something or they’ll go the way of their parent. If they are lucky enough not to explode from sexual neglect, they have the expected lifespan of ten days before they drop dead from exhaustion.

Many ing ing biologists agree that this is backward evolution at its best, as the only beasts that manage to reproduce are the ones too ugly, mutated, bad smelling, lazy or deformed to get laid. With each passing generation the species becomes uglier, smellier and less well equipped overall to deal with life in general.

************************************************************

The next day, Arthur fought his way to consciousness. His body, completely naked but for his towel, and half frozen from lying in the snow, ached all over. At least the cold kept down the bruises. With a groan brought on by his complaints and amplified by the flood of memory of the last two day’s events.

He blearily looked around to find that Ford was already dressed, had a fire going and had caught them both some fish to eat. Arthur carefully moved closer to the fire, keeping as much of himself covered by the towel as possible.

Not having the courage to look his only companion in the eye he poked a stick into the fire and played with the coals. “Fish?”

“Hungry?”

“Hmm.”

They satsilesilence for a while as Ford turned the fish and Arthur poked the fire. After a while he got up the courage to ask: “Where…...”

“There.” Ford pointed with the stick he was using as a fork. Arthur got up, walked painfully to the scrubby bush where his clothes were drying in the sunlight and ducked behind it to dress. It was really quite a pointless exercise, as Ford knew intimately now all the details of his body, inside and out, just as he knew Ford’s, but he really wanted to avoid thinking about that just now.

He walked back to the fire, carefully sat down and accepted the fish Ford handed to him. He flinched and dropped his breakfast when their hands accidentally brushed and for one terrible moment stared in much the same way as his breakfast into Ford’s frighteningly blue eyes.

Breaking away he picked up the fish and shuffled back until he was at a safe distance from Ford to eat it. Something in Ford’s expression both terrified and excited him. He wasn’t sure he liked it. Ford was his friend, nothing more. Before, he had though that was reason enough for Ford to save him from his imminently exploding planet. In light of recent events, and the Betelgeusian’s current behaviour, he could no longer be sure.

Worse still was his reaction. The Guide had said one or two days and the pheromones wore off. It had been that long already. Why did he still have a strong desire to…?

Arthur realized with a shock that he wanted Ford more than he wanted a really good, hot cup of tea. In the circumstances, that was saying something. He also realized that for once in his life, he wasn’t confused, though he decided to continue to act confused so as not to upset his friend.

As most astonishing things, realizations come in threes. Arthur realized it was a Thursday. Could it be he was finally getting the hang of Thursdays?

When they had finished eating Ford got to his feet, folded and stashed his towel and stood facing the sea with his hands on his hips. “Golgafrinchams.” He said, shaking his head. Arthur stood also and packed away his things in his rabbit skin bag.

The two of them walked down to the shore and launched their inadequate raft. Perhaps this time they would be blown off course to that beautiful tropical island. With his newfound clarity, he was quite certain that if the local women were missing, he'd not really mind.
- 1
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Unspeakably Unspoken