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• The Sexiest Man Alive?	By : Slashychick84 Category: G through L > Hitchhikers Guide Series Views: 2757 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
  Disclaimer: I do not own the Hitchhikers Guide series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

• Chapter List
  • 1-The Sexiest Man Alive?
• • 1

• None of these characters or places belong to me. are are the sole property of one Douglas Adams, may he rest in peace, or if he prefers, eternal disturbance.
  
  This particular fic (with a bad title, as I will readily admit) was inspired by a recent viewing of the terrible BBC miniseries of the books. My friend pointed out that Zaphod''s heads are so close together he could kiss himself, and thus was this fic born. Please review, but be kind :).
  
  
  Zaphod Beeblebrox was bored. He was alone in his cabin on the Starship Heart of Gold. Tricia McMillan, known in most circles as Trillian, was trying to help the ship’s computer Eddie out of his state of perpetual confusion. Marvin, the perpetually depressed robot was moping somewhere in a corner. Zaphod preferred boredom to misery, so it was better that Marvin had left him to his own devices.
  
  Zaphod paced his cabin. He paced some more. He paced his way to the mirror to admire himself for a while. He was, he thought to himself, the most attractive being he had yet encountered. He fluffed the hair on his right head briefly then patted the cheek of his left head. He looked briefly at the combined effect of both heads. Stunning, he decided. Who, he wondered, wouldn’t want to sleep with him? He was, after all, the “best bang since the big one.” As he stood at the mirror, he tried to catalogue in his mind all of the most sexually attractive people he knew. He suddenly realized he was at the top of the list. He laughed and smiled at his reflection. He turned his left head toward his right head and gazed lovingly at himself. Zaphod’s left head decided suddenly to make a pass at his right head. His right head, in a sudden and uncharacteristic moment of coyness, turned itself so that the left head’s kiss was deflected off its cheek. His right head blushed. Suddenly, the left head got its nerve up and went in for the kill.
  
  Zaphod’s heads kissed for a long time. A very long time. Not, by any means, a long time when put in perspective with other great lengths of time, but for someone kissing himself, it was a long time. “Zarquon,” muttered his right head as the left head stopped to catch its breath. His left head grinned and began its affections anew, this time with a considerably larger amount of tongue involved. His third arm crept down toward his hard cock. The third arm was his favorite to masturbate with since it wasn’t originally his. He liked that even after all this time he and his arm had been together it still lik like someone else’s.
  
  He slowly began to rub his cock through his trousers. His heads were still very much engaged in kissing each other and that continued to turn him on. He unzipped his trousers and slid them and his underwear down. Wrapping his third hand around his cock, he began to stroke more quickly. As he continued to kiss himself and stroke his cock, he thought of all of the people who turned him on. He thought of people like Trillian and Eccentrica Gallumbits. He thought of other girls he had slept with and then, he pulled his heads away from each other. Since he was the sexiest being he knew of, it made much more sense to look at himself. Zaphod stared deeply into his eyes and stroked himself harder. As he finally came, he shouted his name with both heads. As he flopped exhausted onto his bed (considerably cheering a few pillows lying there), he heard gales of hysterical laughter emanating from somewhere just outside his door. He turned very red and, wiping his hand on the duvet, quickly zipped his trousers.
  
  In certain atmospheric conditions in certain parts of the galaxy, it is possible to die laughing. Luckily for Trillian who had been standing outside Zaphod’s door the whole time, the Heart of Gold was not one of those parts of the galaxy.
  
  The End.

• • 1
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