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Danse Macabre in a Nutshell	By : Storyseeker Category: Anita Blake > Threesomes Plus Views: 2423 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Anita Blake series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
Warning:
This Lampoon contains many/but not limited to the following dicy subject matters: Violence; Language; M/F; M/M/F; Nudity; Homo; Hetero; BD/SM; Angst; Comedy; Mary Sue; and Feeble Attempts at Humor.
Why:
A longtime fan of the Anitaverse, I was so bothered by what I perceived as a rambling and disjointed offering in Danse Macabre, I felt the need to make sense of it in my head. After an unfortunate night of Monty Pythonesque silliness, I began goofing around with creating a lean, mean, and to the point version of the book in script form. As I am a writer of no large skill, I failed spectacularly. That still doesn't stop me from posting this for your pleasure.
Danse Macabre in a Nutshell: Chapter by Chapter Breakdown
Lampoon Author: Storyseeker

Chapter 1:
Anita: Ronnie, I'm pregnant and I like to sleep with lots o' men. Don't tell anyone I'm pregnant.
Ronnie: I'm jealous and want your life, especially the red haired bondage toy with his own built in rope. Hey guys, guess what, Anita's pregnant!
Anita: Damn it!
Boys: Gasp! Who's yer daddy?

Chapter 2:
Anita: Ronnie you suck.
Nathanial: Why yes, yes you do.
Ronnie: *Wibble…Kidding! (not)
Anita: Hey, I'm in denial, stroke my fragile ego.
Boys: Okay.
Anita: Hey, it's off to the Circus to audition new secondary characters!
Boys: Huzzah! Road trip to CVS and the Circus!

Chapter 3:
Anita: Let us in Graham.
Graham: Fuck me.
Anita: Ew!
Graham: Fine then, you're in charge of the cocktail party.
Anita: Damn!
Graham: Fuck me.
Anita: I already said ew.
Graham: By the way, Ming Die hates your ubersnatch.
Anita: She can’t have my men.

Chapter 4:
Clay: All hail, the life of the party is here!
Anita: What’s this about Ming Die?
Clay: Don’t tear my wounds. It’s time to go play Prince Charming and don’t you know that even /I/ think that’s a lame metaphor for what you are.
Anita: You’re probably right. Come on boys, to the party!

Chapter 5:
Anita: Hey Vamps and Consorts! Who do I have to choose?
Auggie: I'm a happy little Manly Man, Chicago Gangster and Playah.
Samuel: I'm happily pussy whipped by the chicken of the sea. Here, bang my sons, two of which are underage.
Chicken o' the Sea: Yes! Do! Your powers rival mine! You'll make them super sex gods! Let me feel you up first.

Chapter 6:
Anita: Okay..no wait! Ew!

Chapter 7:
Chicken and Anita: Kiss. Slurp.
Anita: Ew gross! What's your youngest underage son doing here?
Anita: Ehem…time to greet the other boy toys.
Auggie: Here be Lions.
Anita: Gangstas?
Auggie: Lions.
Chicken: Slut!
Bunny: Slutty McSlutty! My tits are plastic and stuff!
Auggie: Benny, take Bunny home! I want Anita or something…
Bunny: Mrowrr! Hiss!
Benny: And she’s not even a werekitty….
Auggie: Did I mention I want Anita? Her *natural* beauty and all…By the way, here are the lions I mentioned earlier: Haven and Pierce.
Anita: Gangstas?
Auggie: Lions.
Anita: Hey! I think I feel a new power coming on!
Group: …again?
Anita: Lions. Yummy.
Pierce: Not me! Can I go home if you're not gonna do me?
Haven: Me!
Octavious: By the way I’m a jerk, lousy to meet you all.
Haven: Like my hair? Do me.
Anita: JC!!!!
JC: Sorry, I'm busy elsewhere. Meng Dai hates you and is trying to kill Requium because he wants you more than her.
Anita: wow. that sounds suspiciously like a plot device. Shelve it and get over here. We're talking sex.
JC: 'kay.
Joseph: No!
Auggie: On your knees Joseph!
Anita: (Joseph’s here?) Only through my little white butt!
Auggie: Oh yeah?
Anita: Yeah!
Auggie: Oh yeah?
Anita: Yeah!
Auggie: Oh yeah?
Anita: Yeah!
Both: Wondervamp powers activate!
Anita: Shape of a Necromancer!
Auggie: Form of a sex god!

Chapter 8:
Both: Yes! No! Yes! No! No! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Auggie: Love me!
Anita: Okay.
Belle Morte: Hey remember me?
Anita: nooOOooo!
Belle Morte: Yes!! And I have a meaningful random plot contribution: All of your powers used will always come back on you two-fold, I mean two-edged!
Anita: Der wha?
Belle Morte: And you and Auggie will love each other forever. Moohoohaaaa!
Anita: Enough with the sledgehammer plot devices, go away.
Jean Claude: I’m here now, so yes, go away!
Belle Morte: Curses! Foiled by character overcrowding!
Auggie: I’m horny.
Anita: Well, we’re overdue for a metaphysically charged sex scene anyway…
Jean Claude: Time to double time the new vamp master!
Anita: You’re both gay?
JC and Auggie: Sometimes.

Chapter 9:
Anita: Bottom?
Auggie: Middle?
Jean Claude: Top?
Anita: Done!
Every-freaking-monster within a 50 mile radius: WoooOOOOOYEAH!
Nathanial: Cigarette anyone?
Everyone: Yes!

Chapter 10:
Anita: Bath please.
Everyone: Us too.
Anita: Now about Ming Die?
JC: She wants the boys and they all want you.
Anita: Now why would that make her feel threatened?
Everyboy: No clue.
Richard: Let me in the bathroom! I haven’t been in the plot yet!
Claudia: Do I have to?
Anita: Let the Tittybaby in.

Chapter 11:
Richard: Aaaarg!
Claudia: Behave.
Richard: Aaarg again!
Anita: Behave.
Richard: * pose * Arg!
JC: Sigh.
Richard: Arr you freak!
Anita: Done yet?
Richard: Yes.
Anita and JC:….
Richard: WaaaaAAAAAaaaaahhhhhhH!
Anita and JC: * pet pet pet *

Chapter 12:
Anita: Better now?
Richard: * Sniffle* Yes. Thanks.
Anita: Can we move on?
Richard: Yes. I’m no longer quite as homophobic as I was.
Anita: Okay, lets get dressed. Time to go back to the party. We need you to be here and to not be an ass while we deal with the Masters.
Richard. Okay.
Anita: Okay.
Richard: Did you know JC’s hair feels sexy?

Chapter 13:
Anita: Time for tea and cocktails. How’s everyone doing?
Everyone: Great!
Asher: Especially me! Tee hee!
JC: We need your advice on our Ardeur issues Samuel.
Samuel: Only if you return the favor and let Anita bang my sons.
JC: Need you even ask?
Samuel: Well, natch, but if she bangs them she’ll save their lives and sanity.
Anita: Cool! I think I now actually prefer sex to vampire slaying from now on…

Chapter 14:
Richard: Pardon me while I badly suppress my jealousy over Anita’s bed-notching.
Samuel: We’ll leave.
JC: Stay, I’ll need you to reel the plot back in after a few minutes here.
Richard: Monster Slut!
Anita: Peter Pan!
Richard: It’s all JC’s fault!
Laurell: Without JC you’d be Marcus Kibble and I’d be an antisocial workaholic with no life who sleeps with her gun and a penguin while slowly withering away in my soul.
Richard: Huh?
Anita: I said, all these changes are for the good so quit spamming my inbox you ungrateful fans!
Richard: I’m sorry, were you channeling someone?
Anita: Huh?
Richard:…
Anita: The Ardeur is here to stay and I’m gonna feed it!
Richard: Siiiiigh…Won’t you wear that Donna Reed costume I bought you?
Deus Ex Machina: Anita’s pregnant.
Richard: Pregnant?
Anita: Doh!

Chapter 15:
Richard: My every dream doth come true! Father, I, upon this very day!
Anita: Talk to the hand.
Samuel: Babies are a blessing to every household!
Sampson: Uh…Danger Will Robinson!
Richard: Verily, my tail doth wag!
Samuel: The pitter patter!
Sampson: Everyone, step away from the Necromancer…
JC: Notice that I get to be the good guy here…
Nathaniel: Hey, the tension level wasn’t high enough, so I’d thought I’d make an
appearance.
Micah: Me too!
Richard: A father to be am I….
Anita: It could be Nathaniel’s.
Richard: * eeerrrrt *
JC: Calmly now everyone….
Richard: * lazer eyes *
Nathaniel: Hey man, talk to the finger. My dick and my self-esteem are now bigger than yours.

Chapter 16:
Claudia: Much as I’d like to see actual violence, Laurell’s sworn off the stuff, so I’ll just diffuse this before blows are exchanged. Pffffffffffffffft.
Anita: Wow. So simple! Too bad it never would have worked in the last 15 or so books.
Claudia: I know. So Richard, are you planning to quit your job and raise this baby like a real woman or what?
Nathaniel: I will! I will!
Richard: You don’t know nothing ‘bout raising no babies!
Nathaniel: Yeah, but I make four times your wussy-yet-respectable teacher salary, I get days off, /and/ I’m out of the closet.
Richard: But…
Nathaniel: I’m more girly than you, and I can cut back my hours part time and still be a better provider than you, I make killer biscuits…
Richard: But…
Micah: And I’m willing to suspend my own personal growth, job, and future indefinitely for Anita and I’m a better provider than you…
Richard: But…
JC: And we can babysit here in the Circus any time at all and I’m a better provider than you.
Richard:….
Richard: You guys SUCK. Just SUCK.
Valentina: Do I get to eat the baby?
Everyone: * shudder *
JC: Okay, no visits to the Circus…
Valentina: Who’s this new guy?
Sampson: I’m Sampson, Samuel’s oldest son and potential Pomme. I’m half vampire and half mermaid.
Valentina: Hold me.
Sampson: Want some candy little girl? Wait…Ick!
JC: Someone take her back to her room.
Nathaniel: I’m on it! (Is she good with floggers?)
Anita: touch me?
Nathaniel: ‘kay.
Richard: Grrrrrrr.
Nathaniel: I’m not touching her * wiggle wiggle *
Richard: Grrrrrrrr.
Nathaniel: My dick’s still bigger dog boy.
Anita: Enough with the posing!
Nathaniel: Hurt me big boy.
Richard: Freak!
Nathaniel: Deadbeat Dad.
Richard: * Wibble *

Chapter 17:
Richard: How can you love Nathaniel?
Anita: Because he makes me feel all tingly!
Richard: That’s his violet wand! He is a freak.
Anita: Yeah baby, a freak in a pearl necklace!
Richard: Hey, I’m the only one supposed to be giving pearl ne…
Claudia: You man man man person!
Richard: What? Just because I see the value in a traditional family?
Anita: By god I’ll raise this baby any abnormal way I feel like.
Claudia: What she said! Lets hear it for female liberation.
Samuel: Babies make women dangerous.
Richard: Stop ganging up on me when I’m talking sense!
Anita: Topic change!
Richard: No…
Anita: Anyone else but Richard agree with me?
Claudia: I do!
Richard: I could kick your ass!
Claudia: RAZZZZZZ!
JC: Topic change!
Richard: Bloody hell!
Samuel: So about this Necromancer Ardeur thingy…
JC: Took you long enough to get us back on track…!
Samuel: Hey, I’m talented, not God.
Anita: I’m talented AND God.
Samuel: MY point! Anita the Necromary Suebanger will probably control every vamp and non vamp around by accident even.
Greek Chorus: Ih-mo-tep! Ih-mo-tep! Uh..We mean A-ni-ta! A-ni-ta!
Anita: But I believe in free choice!
Samuel: Such things you say! I could find myself falling in love…
Boys: HEY!
Samuel: Huh? Oh. As I was saying, forces arise soon to knock off your over powered ass…
Anita: Hey!
Samuel: …If you can’t stop accidentally falling on dicks.
Anita: HEY!
Samuel: You need to find a non partial pomme.
JC: We need a test subject!
Anita: Forget it…I gotta go pee in a cup.
Claudia: To the bathroom everyone!

Chapter 18:
Anita: * inside the bathroom * It’s…It’s….
Everybody else: *Ears pressed to bathroom door * Yes…? YES…?
Anita: CLAUUUUDEEEAAAAA!
Claudia: Step away from the door boys, she needs another vagina.
Anita: Claudia…
Claudia: Anita….
Both:…..
Claudia: Time to buy some diapers boys!
Everyone: “YAAAAY!!!!”
Anita: Snarl….
Everyone: We mean, “NOOOOOO!”
Anita: Snarl….
Everyone: We mean, “WHATEVERRRRR!”
Anita: Snarl….
Everyone: Oh for heaven’s sake you flippy broad! Throw us a bone here!
Anita: Just hug me you idiots.
Everyone but Richard: GLOMP!
Richard: Wibble *
Anita: What?
Richard: I’m noone’s friend.
Micah: We’ll be your friend.
Richard: I’m still too issuey.
Everyone:….
Micah: Just glomp him anyway guys.
Everyone: tip-toe glomp!
Richard: Sob!
JC: Better now?
Richard: Sniffle. Yes. I’m gonna go sleep with Jason.
Clay: I’ll go too.
Anita: Well, that was productive or something….

Chapter 19:
Asher: Who sleeps with Anita tonight? I’m feeling cheeky from my earlier Metaphysical Orgy Power Boost.
Gang: Aren’t we all?
Anita: Anyone not a leopard go away.
Asher: * whiny *But /we’re/ not Richard.
Micah: Let JC stay.
Anita: Corpses! Blech!
Micah: But we need to test the Emergency Necropheliac System.
JC: Oh yeah! I /did/ mention hating that Damien was getting more triumvirate fringys than me.
Anita: Sigh. Okay, everyone not a leopard or Master of This City go away.
Asher: pouty.
Anita: Knock it off or your name is “Ulfric”.
Asher: Okay okay! * grump *
Claudia: I’m staying to get more script time.
Anita: Fine, guard the door.
Claudia: That’s what I said.
Anita: I’m going to sleep.
Nathaniel: Sure you are.
Micah: Leopard nookie! Hooray!
JC: I’m beginning to regret being so nice in this book…I’m going to sleep with Asher.
Anita: Sorry about that. I’m still having issues about your Slashy Goodness.
Nathaniel: Quick, let’s go down on her as a diversionary tactic.
Micah: Huzzah! * dive *
Anita: Shwing!
JC: You were saying?
Anita: I think I like Slashy Goodness.
JC: Still being a gentleman here.
Anita: Viagra helps with that.
JC: True.
Anita: What the hell, everybody jump on!
Nathaniel: Suck my larger than life penis first.

Chapter 20:
(Note: The faster you read this, the less painful it is)
Anita: Suck
Nathaniel: Grr
Micah: Waggle
Anita: Suck
Micah: Purr
JC: Pout
Anita: Kiss
JC: Mrr?
Anita: Slurp
Leopards: Wiggles
Anita: Strokes
JC: Glee
Nathaniel: Me?
Anita: Munch
Micah: Poke
JC: Diddle
Anita: Squee
JC: Bite
JC: Drill
Anita: Squee
JC: Spunk
Micah: Ditto
Nathaniel: Boink
Anita: Squee
Nathaniel: Boink
Anita: Gnaw
Nathaniel: Boink
Anita: Squee
Nathanial: Spoo
All: Snooze

Chapter 21:
Anita: Puppy pile.
All: Snore
Mother o’ Dark: Knock-knock!
Anita: Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!
Mother: *singing * You. And my Shaaaaadow. Strolling down the avenue!
Anita: I don’t dance.
Mother: Okay fine. To the point: You need to turn the music down, I’m trying to sleep here.
Anita: But I broke my knob.
Mother: Don’t make me crawl out of bed and bazooka your stereo. Did I mention I kill all Necromancers?
Anita: I am the Great Cornholio! Are you threatening me?
Mother: * singing * The Boogy-man. That’s what I am.
Anita: ‘Scuse me while I whip this out.
AnitaWolf: Grrrrr! Gnaw!
Mother: Hey! Ow! That really hurt! That’s it! I’m gonna wake up now!
Anita: Eep!

Chapter 22:
Nathanial: Wake up Sleeping Beauty!
Anita: I thought I was Prince Charming?
AnitaWolf: Oh enough with this fairy tale BS, I’m coming out!
Everyone: Crap!
JC: All wolves, dogpile on the Necromancer and hold back her beast.
Claudia: Save the baby!
Clay and Graham: She-wolf. Yum!
AnitaWolf: Let me out! Let me out!
Graham: Let me in! Let me in!
Anita: I’ve already told you: Ew!
Richard: Some jerk French Slashy Master Vamp called me in here from the loo! I’m pissed, and now I have to watch her bone some of my wolves?
Claudia: Hey Captain Oblivious, she’s not screwing, she’s shape shifting. You gotta stop her or the baby drama will be cut short before it angsts to fruition!
Richard: Oh! Well, excuse me, there /has/ been a precedent for the former!
Anita: ARG!
Richard: Fine! Fine! You wanna be a wolf?
Anita: No! Among my fantastic powers from another planet, I’m also probably a Chimera. I’d rather start out as a Leopard.
Richard: She chose Leopard! I’m out of here.
Anita: Wait is that wrong?
Richard: Too late now!
Nathaniel: Yippee! Gimme your beast.
AnitaLeopard: I don’t wanna…
AnitaWolf: Will someone let ONE of us out of here?
AnitaLion: Oh for pete’s sake, I’ll do it!
Everyone: Lion??
Haven: Somebody Rang?
AnitaLion: He has blue hair!
Haven: Just call me Cookie Monster.
Pierce: I said way back I wanted to go home…grump.
Octavius: You guys are seriously stroking my asshole vibe!
Cookie: Piss off! I wanna munch Necrocookie.
Octavius: Put on a show and you can have Master Auggie’s Lions!
Anita: Cum to me!
Pierce: No.
Cookie: Hoyeah!

Chapter 23:
Claudia: Put down the gun Cookie!
Cookie: I’m a macho Lion. Make me!
Anita: Look into my eyes.
Cookie: Eek! I am a-feared.
Anita: Never underestimate the power of the Nakedmancer.
Cookie: Yes ma’am. I wish I could contain the beast as long as you can.
AnitaLion: Let’s get on with this.
Cookie: Mrowr! Your beast makes my nipples explode with delight!
Everyone: Ewwww, we’ve been slimed!
Richard: Not that it matters.
Anita: Groan.
Richard: Don’t mind me. I’m just gonna sit here and quietly give up all of my hopes and dreams of a life with you.
Anita: Quiet isn’t in your vocabulary.
Richard: You’re right. Tell me, would it have been so awful to be Mrs. Cleaver to my Mr.?
Anita: Polyamorous. Look it up sometime.
Richard: Okay, fine. Wanna go to church with me?
Anita:….
Anita: M’ka-a-ay.
Richard: luvhate * smooch *
Anita: ditto *smooch *

Chapter 24:
Anita: Bath.
Everyone: Again.
Octavius: We’re leaving.
Claudia: Your lions beat up our rat guards.
Pierce: We were only trying to answer the call of Supersnatch. They were in our way.
Claudia: Fine. Extra guards on the lions. And extra guards on Ming Die. Along with everyone else in JC’s little family, she too powered up during that Super Orgy a few chapters back.
JC: Speaking of power-up. I never died during our little daynap. * Grin *
JC: I also dreamed my first dream. * Grin *
Anita: Lemme guess. Not by the hair of my chiny-chin-chin?
JC: Well…yes. But I got away.
Anita: Me too, using my kung fu dream-biting Anitawolf.
Boys: Gasp. Another superpower. Incredibly rare!
Micah: Chimera could do that! (But not as well as you, teehee.)
Anita: So, what? I’m a chimera now apparently.
Micah: Whose powers may only grow until being fixed at the next full moon.
Anita: But I’ve held these powers for more than…
Micah: Shhhhhh! Don’t confuse us with continuity.
JC: Oh! Oh! Idea! Lets invite all the wereanimals she doesn’t have to come bite her before the next full moon!
Anita: Powerslut!
JC: Sure!
Remus: Knock-knock.
Tubbys: Who is it?
Remus: Next bodyguard shift reporting for duty.
Tubbys: Enter!
Remus: Hi, I’m Remus the wererat. I’m sufficiently cool and badass enough to not get dragged into this parody happily. Check my merc creds, the fact that I am a wereanimal you don’t control yet, and the fact that I have had my face blown off and put back together humpty dumpty style. I’ll stand here and do my duty like a good soldier.
Anita: So you aren’t going to drop to your knees before me?
Remus: Snort. If you get out of hand during one of your over the top sexcapades, I can knock you on your ass. Which means I have to stand here and * blech * watch.
Anita: We don’t need you guarding us.
Remus: Not guarding you girl, I’m protecting everyone else from you.
Anita: JC can do that!
Remus: No offense, but take away his vampy powers, and he’s a pansy.
JC: Aw…outed.
Anita: I’m powerful and out of control, so you are making sense.
Remus: Also, I’m here to explain more elements of the plot, namely, only the wererats can currently keep you under control physically, and only a handful of them have the real world experience to be able to do so with minimal damage, because killing takes no skill and controlling does. Might I also mention that while Narcissus has big muscles in his ranks, they are all useless posers who got their butt kicked when Chimera came to town.
JC: Awfully wordy and serious for this lampoon aren’t you?
Remus: Lampoons are for dumbasses.
JC: And you are not a dumbass.
Remus: No, sir. I am not.

Chapter 25:
Anita: Pee Break. (Cause I’m pregnant and stuff).
Eleanor: Hello, I’m the token romance novel vampire princess. Remember me?
Anita: Aren’t you up awfully early? It’s barely brunch time.
Eleanor: More orgy benefits. Another is that I didn’t have to feed this morning.
Anita: Ah…
JC: Me lurves power surges! * glee! *
Requiem: Knock Knock.
Anita: Awake too?
Requiem: I hurt. I thought girls say they want an honest man….
Anita: Only women who can’t kick your butt like Ming Die.
Requiem: She hates me. You hate me. I’m a troll.
Anita: No…!
Requiem: Nobody loves me.
Anita: You’re not…!
Requiem: Think I’ll eat worms.
Anita: I still don’t want to sleep with you.
Requiem: See? Troll.
Anita: Stop it!
Eleanor: He can’t heal without your sex.
Anita: Do what?
Requiem: Bawl Wibble. I want your sex.
Greek Chorus: A-Ni-Ta. A-Ni-Ta.
Anita: Just what are you guys saying?
Eleanor: Your coochie is addictive.
Anita: Nobody’s that good!
Eleanor: No, I mean literally.
Anita: * checks snatch * So you’re saying…?
Eleanor: You give ‘crack’ whole new wide world of meaning.
JC: Emphasis on wide….
JC: So, as a *snortcough * crackdealer, you’re obligated to boink Requiem.
Anita: All I freaking set out for was to find a reliable edible pomme de sang, you’re saying that anyone who sleeps with me is addicted to me?
Eleanor: That’s what we are saying.
Anita: So really, what you’re saying is…
JC: That’s why all the boys want you.
Anita: And they all want me because…?
Requiem: You’re better than drugs.
Anita: So that’s why Ming Die is jealous of me. She wants men too. Can’t we just kill her?
JC: I’d rather not.
Anita: But all in all, you’re saying that I’m….what?
Eleanor: Addictive. Except in instances of true love.
Anita: Me?
JC: Yes.
Anita: But what you’re saying is….
JC: OH FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST FUCK REQUIEM!
Wicked and Truth: Knock. Knock.
Eleanor: Hey! They’re awake too!
JC: Let’s see if they’re addicted…
Anita: So you’re saying that…what?
JC: Don’t make me smack you Beavis….

Chapter 26:
Anita: Hookay. Test. Gotta test now.
Requiem: If I spread my milky thighs for your manliness will you come to me sooner?
Anita: Too passively creepy!
Requiem: Then can I be a man sandwich with you and JC?
Eleanor: He swings now??
London: I’m Batman.
Anita: This is so gross.
JC: Actually, I have to agree with you.
Eleanor: You’ve rolled him!
JC: Well I’m at a loss here. Suggestions from the peanut gallery? Wicked? Truth?
Truth: * sullen * What?
Eleanor: Have you ever been bespelled like Requiem?
Wicked: * happy * You want answers? We’ll give you answers. What answers do you want Anita?
Eleanor: Mind your master please.
Wicked: And that would be Anita today.
Anita: So, give up the goods then. How do I fix Requiem?
Truth: Sorry, we can’t give you a straight answer. Dancing around the subject is much more conducive to meeting this book’s word requirement.
Anita: But this isn’t the book, this is the nutshell version.
Wicked: Then for the sake of expediency, why don’t you use your necromancy to break him free like you did Willy from the Traveler back in CotD.
Anita: So I’ll break him free of my spell using my spell.
Truth: Ahyep.
Anita: …..
Anita: * brightly * What the hell. Sure. Lets do it. Makes perfect sense logistically.
JC: Careful ma petite, your sarcasm might anger even the gods in this case.

Chapter 27a:
Anita: Bark like a dog.
Requiem: Boo-woo!
Anita: Cluck like a chicken!
Requiem: Buh-caaaw!
Anita: Snicker. I mean, so, hey JC, does this mean he’ll do ANYTHING I want? I’m just asking, you know, for research purposes and all.
JC: * frenchy shrug thingie *
London: * pointing to Anita * Liar! Liar! LIAR!
Eleanor: Get back witch!
London: I’m not a witch, I’m your wife! And with the ubersnatch around I’m not even sure I wanna be THAT anymore!
Eleanor: You’re not my wife, I’m your boss.
London: I’m not?
Eleanor: No?
London: Yes?
Eleanor: Who are you?
London: Not sure. I’m some kind of knight. Who are you?
Eleanor: Who cares. I’m lost in the plotless wonderland.
London: Back to the plot?
Eleanor: Whatever…
Anita: But it’s for survival research! Vampire Slayer, hellooooo!
London: Evil Selfish Temptress Person!
JC: * Sigh * It’s the ardeur addiction. London’s a recovered Belle Morte Ardeur Addict.
London: I’m going to A.A.A. meetings. I’m on Step 11, Praise Jesus! * waves hands *
JC: If we make him fall off the wagon, I’ve promised to find him another Master far away from temptation. The problem though, is that every female master fears a powerful Belle Morte Line vampire like London. They fear he will eventually seduce him.
London: I’m Batman.
Eleanor: Oh good lord, just get on with it Anita!
Anita: Okay…arise necromancer powers!
Anita: Cum to me!
Every Non-Master Vamp: * Moves Forward *
Anita: Red Light!
Every NMV: * Freeze *
Anita: Green Light!
Every NMV: * Stampede *
JC: ANITA!
Anita: Huh? Oh oops! RED LIGHT!
Eleanor: She scares me.
Truth: Bawl!
JC: Anita. You MUST be careful with your wording.
Wicked: She made brother come to her but she didn’t affect me!
JC: You blood oathed to me directly, but Anita blood oathed Truth to me by proxy.
Wicked: We must be the same! You must fix it!
Anita: Uhm…would it help to say I’m sorry?
Wicked: Fix it.
Anita: ‘kay! Later. Busy now.
Anita: Ahem. Requiem, are you in there?
Requiem: Wazzat?
Anita: Bite me baby. Raising the dead requires blood. Just ask JC’s willy.
Requiem: Gnaw. Oh hey! I’m me again!
Anita: Hmmmmm yeaaaahhh….oh yeaaahhhh. Cold. Tasty. Like Ice Cream. * lick-lick-lick* Everyone tastes like ice-cream. Yummy….I love playing with my necromancy…
JC: Anita! Put it away!
Anita: But I haven’t tasted you yet!
JC: I am your master, not your necro-toy.
Anita: coulda fooled…oh..eep. oops again.
Wicked: Fix me and my brother now!
Anita: No. I have an ice cream headache.
Requiem: Yeah. She’s my ubersnatch for the day. I still want her to feed the ardeur on me.

Chapter 27b:
Anita: Hey, I thought I freed you!
London: Me too! She’s toxic!
Requiem: I’m a grown vampire. I’m free to make my own choices! My choice is enslavement for all time! Whoo-HOO!
Anita: Hold it!
Requiem: If I can’t ever love again, why, then I’ll just be passion’s bitch.
London: You are a sad, sick man.
Requiem: JC, you taste like your own blueberry swirl bloodline for the first time today without Belle Morte sprinkles! Your power grew thanks to Anita!
JC: Enough with the Ice Cream references!
Requiem: And I’ll touch you now thanks to Anita. She’s made me gayfriendly!
JC: Flattery /and/ groping! That’s all the persuasion /I/ need: Anita, bang his brains out.
London: I’m so out of here!
Extra Vamps: Us too!
Anita: Me too!
JC: Hold it girlie!
Anita: Damn.
Cisco: Here’s a band aid for your tits, I mean your vampire bite.
Anita: Thanks…
Remus: Guards don’t gawk tonight, only vampires. To the coffin room Cisco.
Cisco: Awww nuts.
JC: Dramatic Pout.
Anita: What’s /your/ problem?
JC: You. It’s time you got over yourself. Band-Aids cover your vampire mark. You should wear it proudly if you are any kind of proper unseelie sidhe princess!
Anita: You’re mixing your series.
JC: I am? Oh. Whatever. It’s still a good plot device.
Anita: Fine, I’ll nix the band aid.
JC: …and the virginal prom queen act as well? Come on, the Ardeur is here to stay as we keep saying, and you need to just get on the slutwagon one hundred percent here.
Anita: No.
JC: Yes.
Anita: No.
JC: Yes.
Anita: You’re getting repetitive.
JC: True enough. We’ll assume this continues for another 4-7 pages.
Anita: Okay. Bla bla bla. Yes, no, yes, no. End result: No decision.
JC: Of course.
Asher: Hey, hey, hey! The life of the party’s here!
Everyone: Hi Asher.
Asher: Coffin room update: Ming Die will behave herself if she can get more power from Anita.
Everyone:….

Chapter 27c:
Asher: Enough of that, check out my Gay Pride button!
JC: Oooo, yeah, right there affixed to your tight little tushie.
Asher: Wanna come out of the closet with me?
JC: Oh yes…I mean, sorry, still placating the meal ticket.
Anita: Hey! I resemble that remark.
Asher: * pout *
Requiem: Don’t mind me friends, I’m going to go bury myself in a hole somewhere.
JC: Wait. You still haven’t jacked my power levels-I mean-You still haven’t fed the ardeur with ma petite.
Requiem: She thinks I’m a troll.
Asher: No she doesn’t! She finds you ardeurlicius.
Anita: Oooo. Asher! Pounce!
Asher: * smooch * Really Requiem… * smack * …you’re tops on her list. * smut *
Anita: Asher! Asher! Asher!
Requiem: Oh for the love of hell…
Asher: Feed me Anita.
Anita: Neck, or groin? Toes? Elbows? Really, anything you want!
Asher: Right here!
JC: Everyone’s watching.
Asher: She doesn’t mind.
JC: Because you’ve rolled her.
Requiem: Didn’t we just do this scene with /me/?
Asher: …and your point would be?
Requiem: Well fuck, she just has to do /everything/ better doesn’t she?
Anita: wuh…what? * blink * What just happened?
JC: You just broke free of Asher’s power without the help of another character.
Requiem: See what I /mean/?!?
Anita: Hmm. Hey, bet I can break free again! Look into my eyes one more time Asher!
Requiem: AAARG!!!

Chapter 27d:
Asher: I don’t want to play.
Anita: You are the ultimate player.
Asher: Hate the game, not the player.
Anita: Yeah yeah. Come on! Lookee lookee. You know you want to.
JC: Pleeeeeeaze?
Anita: Hey! What’s up with you JC. You are awfully power trippy. Even for you.
JC: If I tell you we’ll waste another couple of chapters angsting over whether you can deal or not.
Anita: I promise to be good.
Asher: Shyeah right.
JC: What he said.
Anita: I’m not getting angry damn it!
JC: Lookin’ for an excuse to be pissed and run. Juuust like Richard.
Asher: Ahyep. She is.
Anita: Don’t make me kick your…! Wait a minute. I’m just like Richard aren’t I?
JC and Asher: * nod nod nod *
Anita: Which means I expect him to act like me and he expects me to act like him right?
JC and Asher: * nodnodnodnodnod *
Anita: * profoundly * Whoah.
JC and Asher: And the lights come on in Divaville.
Anita: Okay okay. I really will be good. I’ll start with you Asher. Please tell me why you won’t look in my eyes again?
Asher: If I can roll you, you won’t let me bang you and JC ever again.
Anita: Oh, back to the sex thing. For a split second I almost thought we had a plot.
Asher: Well, actually we do. Had we not been distracted by all the /meaningless/ sex, this would have been a profound moment.
Anita: Yeah, you’re right! Let’s milk it anyway. We might get lucky.
JC: You first.
Anita: Okay. I’ll try. Uhmmm…I expected you and Asher to be boinking in the closet all this time. Aren’t you?
JC: Nope. You would have made me regret it.
Anita: I probably would have….But hey, new leaf! I’ll be good! Besides, I’ve broadened my horizons with you and Auggie! You guys boink all you want if you like.
JC: Really?
Anita: Yeah! Asher really is a sweet little Hottie McHottie. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I’m liking the idea in theory.
Asher: You’ll just reject me and us!
Anita: Well, now that I’m pregnant, I want us all to be happy.
Asher: You mean it?
Anita: Yes.
Asher: Oh goodie! Pardon me while I get all gushy and talk French nothings to your abdomen.
Anita: That’s soooo fangirl cute! Sandwich hug!
All: * Huuug *
Anita: See! I can be realistically life affirming for a change!
All: God Bless Us. Every One.

Chapter 28:
Anita: Out damned boyfriends out!
Boyfriends: Crap, she’s channeling Macbeth. Escape!
Requiem: I’ll stay. I like the angst. Plus, she hates me.
Anita: I don’t freaking hate y…forget it. Talk to the hand.
Requiem: * Puss in Boots kitten eyes *
Anita: Ten in the morning by my watch. Only master vamps are awake. Time to dress in comfort clothes. Black tees, Nikes, knives, guns and cross.
Requiem: I thought you were all happy and life affirming?
Anita: One of those two vamps had me rolled with feel good vibes. I’m my bitter self once more now that they’re gone. Excuse me while I call my Gyno.
Doc North: Yo, Anita! Wassup?
Anita: Hey doc. I need a second opinion on this pregnancy test. Plus, to the casual observer, I’m a monster tramp, so I need all kinds of tests done to make sure my baby’s not going to be a Giger reject.
Doc North: I’d never call you a tramp to your face. Come on in today for a blood test and ultrasound.
Anita: I’m only two months along!
Doc: Oh, right. Plot info needed. In a nutshell, if you banged a half-shifted Were, then you might have Mowgli’s syndrome. This means you could be incubating at some variation of Wereleopard gestation. Which, means by next Monday, you’ll be past the legal abortion limit for this state.
Anita: * Gulp *
Doc: Not to mention, if you had a baby with Mowgli and/or Vlad syndrome, it would be a medical freak show even if it survived.
Anita: Okay. I’ll be there today. Asshole.
Doc: Hey, you’ve taught me not to coddle your angsty ass. See you at 2:00! Bye!
Anita: I don’t feel so good. I should probably feed something here…

Chapter 29:
Anita: Okay. Coffee, Croissant and Cheese balls. Thanks for bringing that in Micah.
Micah: No prob. You look like shit.
Anita: I’m trying not to freak out here. All this angst is starting to get to me.
Micah: So, have a good cry. You’ll feel better.
Anita: No, my balls are stainless steel.
Micah: Fine, then I’ll have a good cry for you. *wibble *
Anita: *sniffle *
Micah: ….yeeess?
Anita: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL!

Chapter 30:
Anita: Ack Thibbit! Snort Hackthyew BlaaaaaaaAAAAaaah~!
Richard: She’s speaking in tongues! Hallelujah!
JC: No. No. She’s expelling her demons.
Richard: Gasp! You mean?
JC: Yep, she’s kicking us all to the curb metaphorically.
Nathanial: She’s so talented.
Asher: Talented nothing! She’s throwing away all my superpo…I mean, all her superpowers!
JC: Let me in ma petite. I wish to help…myself.
Nathanial: By the way. F.Y.I.. Killing Damian. Again.
Anita: Mern-geshmer?
Nathanial: I said, you know, killing Damian and stuff.
Anita: Ooooo. Sparklies.
Nathaniel: Never mind. I’m on it.
Micah: Breaking the triumvirates won’t change the fact that you’re preggers Anita.
Anita: no more ardeur. No more ardeur.
Micah: Are you sure? It’s not like you asked Laurell’s permission. She’s not gonna let you give up sex.
JC: It’s not like she’ll die, I’m sure. She lives to flaunt all conventional canon.
Richard: I know I’ll regret this, but I don’t want to break the Triumverate.
JC: Let us wake up your powers Anita…but put away your cross first. I might make it glow.
Richard: Or she might, considering she’s a better monster than all of us.
JC: True true.
Anita: Anyone want to see my bellybutton?
Micah: She’s waffling.
Nathaniel: Ut* Thud!*
Micah:* Taps on Anita’s Shoulder *
Micah: So um…Nathaniel and Damian are dying now.
JC: Nathaniel is trying to save Damian but sucks at it. Save them Anita.
Anita: How come?
JC: Well duh! They’ll die without you.
Greek Chorus: A-ni-ta! A-ni-ta! *Gunshot blast *
Greek Chorus: squrrrrrrrrrt~*

Chapter 31:
Richard: Feed the Ardeur Anita.
Anita: I’m so not in the mood. You going to help.
Richard: Not even if someone’s life depen…oh, yeah.
JC: “Requiem, your moment has come.”
Requiem: That comment was a little melodramatic even for me isn’t it?
JC: I don’t writes ‘em. I just quotes ‘em.
Requiem: Fine, fine. Just as long as I finally get to nail her! All this build up. Sheesh!
Anita: Okay, I’ll try this. Take me Requiem.
Requiem: Finally! * Snag! *
Anita: …..
Requiem: Hmmm…*smooch- soulful gaze *
Anita:…..
Requiem: * grope * * grope *
Anita:…..kind of chilly in here.
JC: * Checks watch *
Everyone: * Stares around uselessly. *
Anita: Okay fine, I’ll feed.
Requiem: And maybe you’ll be my refuge and home away from home!
Anita: Just like everyone else.

Chapter 32:
Both: *Strip *
Requiem: Ahhhh. At lasssst!
Anita: * yawn * Any time now.
Requiem: Hang on. Let me shift here…
Anita: Right. Wait. Hmm. Try wiggling a little to the le..yeah.
Requiem: Ow…wait!
Requiem: My earring is caught in your hair…hold it…
Anita: No pulling! Wait! Ouch.
Anita: Scoot up more…
Requiem: My knee…!
Anita: Hold on, roll a little over…right.
Requiem: Just like that….?
Anita: Hehe…oops sorry.
Anita: Hang on.
Anita: Let me try standing this way.
Requiem: Oof. No. Wait…the angle’s off.
Anita: How’s this?
Requiem: * boink boink boink * …hmmm. Maybe.
Anita: What’s the problem?
Requiem: Do you love me?
Anita: I really don’t.
Requiem: Perfomance anxiety.
Anita: Get off!
Requiem: rats…. * deflate *
Ardeur: Feeed me semour!
Anita: * tarzan yell *
Ardeur: Scanning for a target…
Everyone in room: * one step back *
Ardeur: Target aquired.
Target: Shit.
Ardeur: Verify range to target Vacily. One ping only.
Target: I am not the Dallas and this is definitely not The Hunt for Red October.
Ardeur: And the seventh angel poured forth his bowl into the air, and a voice cried out from heaven, saying,"It is done".
Target: Sshwing (dammit)!
Anita: Wow. Now thas' what I’m talking ‘bout! I’ve saved my two boys and you’re really good in bed, “Target”.
Target: “London”.
Anita: “London”…. SHIT!

Chapter 33:
London: Bath.
JC: Other room.
London: Thanks.
Everyone: * stares at Anita *
Remus: * salute * Sir! Jean Claude, Sir! Request permission to get the hell out of this parody. Sir!
JC: And what of your promise to protect?
Remus: Sir! It is in this soldier’s opinion, that skills even remotely related to real life will have little or no affect upon this situation, Sir!
JC: You might want to check with Narissus on that my dear boy. Work out your rules of engagement, as it were.
Remus: Sir! Already in my logbook, sir! Permission to run for the hills Sir??
JC: Granted. But are you in charge of the rats too?
Remus: Sir, until relieved, yes Sir!
Pepito: We agree with Remus. That is one seriously screwed up skank you got in charge of you pansy asses.
JC: Very well, you may go.
Pepito: It’s one fine piece of ass. I’d drill it, but I wouldn’t respect it.
Half the exiting guards: Hear, hear!
Nathanial: You lookin’ at my woman? Grrrrrrrrr.
Richard: I’m back. Went out to check on Damian. Bringing him back here.
Damian: Hi everyone. I made it for my cameo. I’ve had a few drinks or something, so don’t mind if I don’t stand up straight.
Anita: I’m sorry Damian.
Damian: Quit trying to kill me and we’re good.
Anita: * happy peaceful damian drugged smile * Okeydokey.
Asher: Richard, why did you run away to Damian?
Richard: I’m a boyscout and that’s okay. I sleep all night and I work all day.
Asher: You just didn’t want to watch her tag dat ice.
Richard: I cut down trees.
Asher: Bet you like dancing around the subject too.
Richard: I wear high heels.
Anita: Asher, quit picking on Richard.
Asher: I’m just teasing.
Anita: And I’m sure you’re as sincere as I am when I always say I want to hear the truth.
Asher: Fine, I’ll tell you the problem. You get him as your lover I never will. I want him as my lover too.
Anita: *eyes Damien *
Asher: * raises brow *
Anita: * eyes Nathaniel*
Asher: *raises other brow *
Anita: * eyes Micah *
Asher: * smirks *
Anita: * looks helplessly from JC, to Requiem, to the door leading to London’s bath *
Asher: And that is exactly my problem. Pick a man. Any man. He is yours and not mine.
Anita: * appeals wordlessly to Richard with her eyes *
Richard: * stares *
Richard: Suspenders and a bra?
All: * pause *
Asher: …and we can’t even tell HIM he’s sexy either. He freaks out too easily.
Richard: You callin’ me gay??
Micah: Not to change the subject, but I’m gonna change the subject. If you are all a double triumvirate, can you share all your powers?
JC: Share? All six of us? It’s never been tried. I don’t know if it would work.
Asher: * blandly * You realize the technical term for such a thing would be appropriately named as a SEXumvirate.
JC: oooOOOooo. In that case, it can’t help but work!
Micah: * pauses and then counts heads * There’s only five of you.
JC: * pause *
Asher: *looks unrepentant *
JC: * shrugs * Oh who the hell cares, I say we try it and take over the world.
London: I’m back, man.
Anita: Speaking of Dark Knight. Are you drunk London?
London: Tee many martoonies. *giggles *
JC: Or just really good sex.
London: That too. I’m a junkie again. Back to Step One.
Anita: It was really, really, good sex.
London: Better than Requiem?
Anita: Oh hell yeah! Why is that?
London: It’s MY superpower. I am the vampiric Belgium chocolate equivalent of food for the Ardeur. It’s a gift.
Anita: In other words…
London: I’m the perfect food for the ardeur.
Anita: Well.
JC: Isn’t that just convenient.

Chapter 34:
Anita: The walls are closing in.
JC: Well, we have been in this room for about 95 percent of the book…
Anita: I thought it was starting to smell gamey in here! You’re right! Send in the maid, we’ll move this to another bed.
Micah: How about a maternity bed?
Anita: What? No!
Micah: Road trip to the hospital! Everybody grab your knickers if you’re comin’
Anita: That’s not what I…!
Everyone: Huzzah!
Anita: Groan.
Doc North: Well Anita, good to see you here. We got you a private room in anticipation of your special-ahem-needs.
Anita: I just needed a couple of extra bodies.
Doc North: There’s nine of you in this room…
Anita: *pish * what’s an extra dick or three between friends?
Doc North: Ohhkay. Who are the potential fathers?
All: * raise hands *
Anita: I’ve only slept with two of you.
Richard and Micah: Yeah!
Noel and Travis: Well, we’re just anticipating….so you can pick a local lion as your third (count ‘em THIRD) beast to call instead of that beastly Cookie Monster who would take over our Pride and kick all our asses if he hooked up with you.
Doc North: That doesn’t make you contender here boys. How about the rest of you?
Ixion and Lisandro: *shrug * We’re just raising our hands to look studly. We really aren’t interested in her at all.
Anita: *pout * But I’m the Ubersnatch…
Graham: /I’m/ interested in you!
Anita: * vomit *
Doc North: Morning sickness…it will pass.
Anita: Actually, I just stuck my finger down my throat…
Doc North: Ah. *blinks, looking at the last guard * Why did YOU raise your hand?
Claudia: You never know with her superpowers, I’m just covering all variables.
All men: Hey, that’s true! *all raise their hands again *
Doc North: Speaking of all variables, I got your test results back.
All: …AND?
Doc North: Well…I’m supposed to hedge this out for another couple of pages…
Anita: I could always just kill you…?
DocNorth: Okay okay…You’re pregnant.
All: Gasp!
DocNorth: And the baby tests positive for Vlad Syndrome.
All: DoubleGasp!
DocNorth: And the baby also tests positive for Mowgli Syndrome.
All: TripleGasp!
DocNorth: And you are carrying at least 5 fetuses in there.
All: * stare *
DocNorth: I’m just joking about the last. I was on a roll.
Anita: That’s it, I’m killing something!
DocNorth: Seriously though, you can’t kill me yet. We still actually do need to do an ultrasound on you to see what’s in there. Tell me, are you a lycanthrope?
Anita: I’ve tested positive for six months, but I’m not a shifter.
Claudia: * cough*typhoidmary* cough*.
DocNorth: ….
DocNorth: Well, lets get on with this shall we?

Chapter 35:
* Fanfare *
DocNorth: The bitch ain't pregnant.
All: 'Nuff Said.

Chapter 36:
Anita: *Leaning out the car window * HELLOOOO ST. LOUIS! I’M NOT PREGNANT!
Richard: * under breath * but she’s still a ‘ho and won’t be my baby’s mommy.
Anita: Calling JC (without a phone)! I’m Not Pregnant!
Richard: Oh quit showing off!
JC: Vampire Marks Calling? I’m so happy for you ma petit!
Richard: Suck up.
JC: I know upon which side my bread is buttered…
Richard: Let’s just finish this conversation at the Circus. In person. Without telepathy.
Anita: Okeydokey. *beam * Did I mention I’m not pregnant?
Auggie: Cut to the Circus! And me, in a sexy shawl!
Anita: I could lick you.
JC: While you’re hugging ME?
Anita: Sure. I’m in love with him.
JC: Vampire powers. I know. So, when you say ‘love’, you mean love, love? Or just love?
Anita: Hmmm. I think love, love.
Auggie: Watch me while I bare my shoulder provocatively.
Anita: purrrrr. Yes. Effeminately love, love.
JC: Did you mean ‘definitely’?
Storyseeker: Well, I can’t spell worth crap and that’s how the spell checker corrected ‘Deffemintly’.
Auggie: Despite my macho mafia front, that’s kind of appropriate.
Storyseeker: That’s why I kept it.
Richard: JC, do you love Auggie too?
JC: Nope.
JC: Auggie, do you love Anita?
Auggie: A-ni-ta. A-ni-
Richard: Oh shut the fuck up.
JC: So you love Anita.
Auggie: I love Anita.
Richard: You can’t have her.
Auggie: She has everyone else she doesn’t know.
Richard: But she doesn’t love them.
Anita: Sure I do. I don’t do casual.
Richard: I mean love, love.
Anita: Love, love?
JC: Love, love.
Richard: Oh for fucksake, I’m out of here. I’m going to put on my tux for the ballet.
Anita: Ball-what? Oh! yes. There’s supposed to be a dance in this novel.
JC: It’s early yet to get ready for the dance.
Richard: Exactly. We have just enough time to get some kind of major plot development out of the way /or/ have another pre/middle/post boinkfest. Guess which likelihood I’m voting for?
Auggie: You could hang around for it.
Richard: Shyeah right. Who’d want to do that?
Anita: Apparently my entire fan base?
All:…..
Anita: * shakes head to clear it. * Okay. How about I say I’m not going to screw Auggie again this book?
Auggie: * pout *
Octavius: Master! Suck it up and be a man! Make the bitch crawl to you!
Anita: Nope.
Auggie: I see her appeal! She’s not going to crawl to me. But she is worth any suffering she inflicts! Cum to me. Please?
Anita: Hmmm. I smell lion again. Why do I smell lion? Auggie? Nope. Travis and Noel? Lions, but, nope. Richard? Definitely a nope! Then who…Hark? What light through yonder doorway breaks? ‘Tis the East…
Cookie: …And I am the /sun/ baybee!
Anita: It’s you!
Cookie: Check out my wedding tackle.
Anita: And you’re naked!
Noel: NOOOO! Please, taste us first! Let us be your animal to call! We’ll lick your toes! We’ll clean your toilet! Pweeeeeese?
Anita: Why you and Travis?
Noel: Because! Cookie is a big meanie lion and will hurt our feelings.
Travis: And terrorize our entire pride with the death, rape, and pillage.
Noel: But most especially will make fun of us.
Anita: Um. /I/ kind of want to make fun of you…
Travis and Noel: *tackle * Pleeeeze???
Cookie: *growl * You nebbishes are harshing my vibe. * grab *
Noel: Owie.Owie.Owie.Owie.
Anita: Hey! Let him go.
Cookie: No.
Richard: Anita? Want me to get him under control?
Anita: Thanks for asking first. Yes!
Richard and Cookie: * Wham, slam, thank you ma’am. *
All: Fight! Fight! Fight! Token fight! Fight! Fight!

Chapter 37:
Noel: So, while the bulls are distracted , see if I’m going to be your new animal to call!
Anita: I’m not going to pick another animal to call. I already have Nathanial.
Noel: And Richard.
Anita: Whatever.
Noel: Joseph thinks you’re getting another animal to call with your Lion. Let it be me.
Richard and Cookie: * Toss, floss, who’s the boss. *
Travis: Or me! I could be your animal to call! It’s our mission to make you pick one of us by any means!
Anita: You’re infants! I don’t want you!
Richard and Cookie: * Batty, patty, who’s your daddy. *
Travis: But if you don’t pick us, we’re toast! Our whole pride! Even the cute little cuddly baby lion cubs! And it’ll be your fault! Help us A-ni-ta! You’re our only hope!
Richard and Cookie: * Paws, claws, guard your balls! *
Anita: But wait…what about Joseph. He’s the Lion King. He’s powerful.
Noel: Not as powerful as Cookie Monster. Not in the long run. Cookie fights dirty.
Anita: Hmmm. Should we tell Richard or something?
Richard: * Stomp *
Richard: I win. Fight’s over.
Cookie: Not yet.
Richard: *Smash *
Richard: Stay down. Fight’s over.
Cookie: Noh yeh…
Richard: * Smoosh *
Richard: I could do this all day. Fight’s over.
Cookie: Nurrrr yhhhh….
Richard: *Squish * You’re almost unconscious. I win. Fight’s over.
Richard: * Pause * Here, let me help you up.
Cookie: *Sucker Punch *
Richard: *Collapse *
Cookie: Nows overrr. *Collapse *
Anita: * muttering * I knew I should have told Richard.
Anita: * actually pointing a gun * Cookie! That’s not fair! Fight’s over.
Cookie: Mnheh-heh-heh. Yesh. Figh’s over!
Anita: You need to go home.
Cookie: How cum?
Anita: You cheat. Cheaters never win.
Cookie: You didn’t tell me the rules. It isn’t cheating if it’s not against the your rules.
Anita: It’s against my rules!
Cookie: That’s all you had to say.
Anita: So, you’ll do whatever I say. Exactly the way I say it?
Auggie: Sure he will. But make sure the rules are crystal clear.
Anita: Okay. *Hands list of Da Rulz to Cookie *
Auggie: And have a clear cut set of consequences he gives a rip about.
Anita: Okay. Consequences: You break Da Rulz, I shoot your ass.
Cookie: Aww, look at the widdle girlie lion, trying to play tough like the big boys…
Anita: * creepy psycho smile *
Cookie: …ahhumm. Wow. She really does have superpowers. Still, doubt she’d do serious harm….
Anita: * Unleashing ‘The Stare’ *
Cookie: Wow. She looks like /me/. Mommy, I’m scared.
Anita: That’s what I thought you said. * lowers gun *

Chapter 38:
Anita: Richard, does it hurt here?
Richard: oWoWoW! HEY!
Anita: Hold still, I’m testing my nursing skills.
Richard: It’s my /knee/ that’s hurt!
Anita: Claudia!
Claudia: Hey, woah, I’m not into kinky threesomes.
Anita: Huh? I just want you to call Doc Lillian.
Claudia: I don’t think she’s into kinky threesomes either.
Anita: To fix his leg.
Claudia: Oooh! Oh. Sorry. It’s just you, instigating a non-sexual plot device. Threw me for a second. I’m on it!
Anita: And while you’re at it, lock up the Cookie Monster.
Claudia: Yes Ma’am! *muttering * maybe I could get transferred to Bon Temps…
Anita: I heard that!
Claudia: *muttering lower * Sheesh. Superpowers…
Anita: I might just let you go. You all just standing there acting like bodyguards but not doing anything. No wonder I’ve made this my one woman show.
Claudia: Hello, dominance fight! Not our bag!
Anita: Dur?
Claudia: Oh, I forgot, you haven’t gotten the ‘clue’ superpower yet…Cookie still thinks you are a sissy girl because you had to get Richard to fight your battle.
Anita: But I gave him ‘The Look’.
Claudia: He’s just sucking up because he wants in your pants. Once he moves his toothbrush in, he’s gonna abuse your house husbands, take over the TV remote, and max out your credit cards.
Anita: But he’s a tough guy!
Claudia: A great bodyguard. An awful house husband.
Anita: But he’s sexy.
Claudia: You’re fucked.
Anita: * Turning to Richard * Hmm. You don’t seem all that bad anymore. Mind if I sit here, praise you, and stroke your ego?
Richard: Sure. I still don’t trust you anymore.
Anita: Actually, never mind, I’m going to skip character development in favor of another Metaphysical Emergency.
Claudia: * imitating Anita * “Because it’s all about M.E.!”
Richard: * snirk *
Claudia: So, what this time? Ardeur? Vampire Marks closing down? Mother of All Darkness?
Richard: Her beast is rising again.
Claudia: That was my next guess.
Anita: Growwwwlwimper
JC: You called?
Anita: Where have you been?
JC: I never left the room. In fact, no one has left the room. The cast has just gotten so unwieldy that we all simply power down and make like room sculptures until it’s our turn to speak.
Anita: Really?
JC: And no, we aren’t going to tell you where we keep our off buttons!
Anita: Grrrowl. I’m having a convoluted animal to call moment…
Auggie: Actually, because you’ve stolen Cookie from me metaphysically, then just like your jiffy pop relationship with your Leopard King. It just indicates that you are about to become Cookie’s Lion Queen to his King.

Chapter 39:
Doc Lillian: Pardon me while I shuffle Richard out of the scene.
Claudia: Pardon me while we shuffle Cookie out of the scene.
Anita: Now what? Metaphysical Emergency?
Auggie: In fact, how about I take center stage for a while? I’m overdue.
Anita: Grump *Shelves “M.E.” *
JC: Upset?
Anita: Grump. Pace. Grump.
Auggie and JC: * magic fingers *
Anita: *Sigh * What the hell is it with all you guys being able to calm me down with touch all of a sudden?
JC: *Shrug * You took all the good superpowers. We make do with that we have.
Nathaniel: *prancy prancy prancy POUNCE *
Anita: *oof * Kitten bomb.
Nathaniel: Hi!
Anita: Hi!
Nathaniel: Not Pregnant!
Anita: Not Pregnant!
Both: * GRIN *
Auggie: Didn’t I say it was my turn? Heeey…cute redhead.
Anita: My redhead.
Nathaniel: Her redhead. *waggles ass *
Auggie: Okay…I’ll take the spare brunette that came in behind him.
Micah: No hell you won’t.
Anita: Why are /you/ grumpy Micah?
Micah: I’m jealous.
Anita: Why? I thought you shared best!
Micah: I did when I thought I was the only animal king to your animal queen. Now Auggie’s pet Cookie is buggin’.
Anita: Awww. Let’s make out.
Micah: Groovy.
Both: * Suckface *
JC and Auggie: ooOOOooo!
All: Vampnkittypile tee-hee! Playful as a teen girl slumber party!
Auggie: Unless one of us ruins it by adding magical horndog vibes to the mix without asking…. * innocent whistle *
All: Mrrrowr!
JC: You naughty Master Vamp.
Auggie: Then there’s the smacking of random asses without asking permission…. *smack *
Micah: Ow. No ass for you!
All: *break to corners *
Auggie: What? Aren’t I a hottie?
All: Grumble grumble grunt.
Auggie: Why don’t you all jump me?
Boys: Because there’s only room for one Diva in this series.
Auggie: So I have to earn her approval?
Boys: Ahyep.
Auggie: I’m a master lover. No problem.
Boys: *Snirk *
Auggie: No?
Boys: No.
Auggie: My manly pride is hurt. I’m taking my toys and going to my corner.
Boys: And you can come out when you are a proper pussy.
Anita: Am I really that hard to date?
Claudia: Oopsie! Time to cut to chapter 40!
Anita: But…
All: * Slamming topic shut with a laugh *

Chapter 40:
Travis: Hey, what’s so funny?
Micah: You haven’t shifted yet? You have broken bits!
Auggie: *grope *
Micah: Fuck off Auggie. My taut tushie is not for you.
JC: Behave Auggie.
Auggie: But you don’t understand! The ardeur: I am her bitch! I wanna play some more.
JC: But you played badly and used your powers on us.
Auggie: Can I negotiate?
JC: Sure.
Auggie: How about one play nice card in exchange for an ardeur session?
JC: Unlimited play nices for aurdeur sessions and a promise not to rat your gay ass out to your homophobic mob buddies.
Auggie: Agreed.
Anita: I agreed to nothing here.
JC: We can come visit you in Chicago…?
Auggie: Forgeddaboutit! You’ll do another superorgy! Ain’t happening!
Anita: Are you guys bartering my coochie?
JC: Explain the terms to her Auggie: She’s a bit dense.
Auggie: Get horizontal for me and I’ll be your mob enforcer of love.
Anita: We’ve already got our own versions of that. No sell.
Auggie: But you love me! I made sure of it! Why are you being such a wench?
Anita: I’ve had people I’ve REALLY loved use their powers on me and I chopped them off at the knees for months in retaliation. I’ve only known you for a day (though this book seems to have gone on for much longer than that), what makes you think I won’t feed you your own testicles?
Auggie: Okay, you are officially one scary bitch. * sniffle *
Anita: You’re not gonna switch to the waterworks now that I’ve got a mad on are you?
Auggie: * wibble *
Anita: You chicks fight so underhanded…
Auggie: But my powers cut both ways. I now love you too darn it! *SOB * I didn’t mean for that to happen! I was only gonna use you and toss you to the curb when I was done!
Anita: Oh for Petesake….you really are a jerk.
Auggie: I’m a Chicago manly mobster! The Chicago Mobster. I’ve kept out all the other mafiasto nationalities by being a bastard for years!
Anita: So, on your knees bitch.
Noel: May I approach?
Auggie: No.
Anita: Not your call Auggie.
Auggie: Oh no you don’t! He’s too pussy whipped for you to defer to him over me.
Anita: And you aren’t pussy whipped enough. Step off or you’ll never climb my montanyas again.
Micah: Yeah, what she said. Your lion beat up our lions. You owe them a little nice nice.
Auggie: You leopard. You’re such a leopardy leopard.
Micah: Compromise is our middle name.
Auggie: Pissfights are Lions’ middle names. You and your lions are girlies. We can kick your butts any day.
Micah: You know, I was jealous for a while, but now I know my home life is secure. You can’t quit being a butthead long enough to talk Anita into dropping her skirt for you.
Anita: Exactly!
Auggie: I call the Lions! It’s what I do. Lions are bullies and so am I!
Anita: Actually, according to chapter 12, sub-field 6a of the Blake Guide to Big Game Cats, only plains lions are bullies. Forest lions act like leopards.
Auggie: I’ve called lions for centuries! How do you know more than me?
Boys: Bwahahahahaaaaa!
Auggie: Oh…right….forgot for a second there….
Travis: I’m, like, going into shock here. Seriously. I need you to feed your beast on me to see if I’ll be your lion to call and stuff before I pass out.
Anita: But we haven’t finished talking randomly yet.
Noel: Okay, we’ll go hang out with the Doc until you’re finished.
JC: You may go.
Anita: Good boy JC.
Auggie: Oh, good grief, even JC’s pussy whipped.
JC: Yeah, but I get to bang her and you don’t.
Auggie: Sob. *exit stage left *
JC: He’ll be back.

Chapter 41:
JC: Jumping right into a conversation, Cliff’s Note’s edition: Your version of the Ardeur regularly seeks out the inner most desires of your victims and allows you to make their dreams come true as you feed.
Anita: Isn’t that normal?
JC: Get real. You’re the only one that likes to cheapen the special.
Anita: So what’s the problem?
JC: The ardeur not only rolls your victims like that, it rolls you equally.
Anita: Oh, right…that ‘double-bladed’ thing that keeps coming up in this book. Belle’s bloodlines’ powers now suddenly pack a reverse whammy to the sender. Got it.
Anita:…
Anita: So what does that mean exactly?
JC: Well…it kind of explains why Micah is your perfect man.
Anita: And Nathaniel?
JC: Sure.
Anita: They are my perfect men because the Ardeur made them my perfect men?
JC: Yep.
Anita: And I’m their perfect woman because the Ardeur made me their perfect woman?
JC: Bingo.
Anita:…
Anita:…I’ll be right back. *stomp * *stomp * * stomp *
Nathaniel and Micah: Wait! Don’t leave us! Where are you going?
Anita: To go kick Laurell’s ass.
Damian: She won’t allow it. *snag *
Anita: Siiiiiiiigh. Where was I going again?
Damian: You were going to forget about holding Laurell accountable, be happy with your magically forced relationships and you were going to kiss me.
Anita: Oh yeah….teehee.

Chapter 42:
Anita: Hold it Buster! Your powers are stronger now aren’t they??
Damian: Only a leettle bit.
Anita: More Vamp wiles! Everyone is using powers against me!
Damian: But it’s only wafer thin smidgen of power…
Anita: Bugger off! You too boys!
Nathaniel and Micah: But…we have love!
Anita: Not true love.
Micah: We love you anyway. If you leave, you’re gonna regret it.
Anita: How do you figure?
Micah: Let’s face it, you’re hitting middle age any day now and still haven’t learned interpersonal skills. This is as good as it gets.
Anita: But I can make a man orgasm at a thousand paces.
Micah: Without magic, ask him to call you in the morning and see what happens.
Anita: I’m not talking to you.
Nathanial: Talk to me then?
Anita: Nope.
Nathaniel: You can tell the world you never were my girl…
Anita: Stop it.
Nathaniel: You can burn my clothes up when I’m gone.
Anita: I can’t hear you.
Nathaniel: You can tell my arms, go back to the farm.
Anita: La-la-la. I’m not listening.
Nathaniel: You can tell my feet to hit the floor.
Anita: Stop! For the love of all things sacred…!
Nathaniel: You can tell my lips to tell my fingertips, they won't be reaching out for you no more.
Anita: Please…??
Nathaniel: *singing * But don’t tell my heart…
Anita: AGH! Okay! OKAY! I give! I’ll love you both forever! Just don’t sing the rest of that song!
Micah: * High fives Nathaniel * BOOyah!
Noel: Now that that crisis is taken care of, can we get back to us?
Anita: Okay, but we need to figure out how to do this right.
Micah: Yeah, no making of Lion Kings and Queen bonds.
Anita: *checks her notes over the last 40 chapters * So…we need to feed the ardeur to see if I am in control and safe to be around all the ballet vamps and animals without creating mass orgy fallout. I need to feed the ardeur with Noel and Travis to try to see if one of them will be my new animal to call (to protect their Pride from bullies like Cookie) since I seem to collect new animals to call and/or a new beast with every master vamp I bone. I also need to find out if my new Lioness beast will even accept lions as wussy as Noel or Travis. I also need to see if my Lioness will accept a more dominant local lion, or if my experience with Auggie makes his dominant lions especially appealing by themselves. Is that everything?
JC: No, but it will do for the time being to keep us from getting even more confused.
Auggie: Let me add that the main ulterior motive I have for being here is to take advantage of Joseph the local Lion King’s weakness in choosing a weak female out of love as his mate and therefore making his whole Pride weak by having to secure his position by only accepting other weak members into the Pride and making it ripe for take-over by a stronger rival lion pride like the ones I control *gasp inhale * and since lions are my animal to call, if my lions control the local pride, it gives me a foothold into the powerful Jean Claude territory and thus gains me prestige and power of my own.
JC: You almost did that in a single breath.
Auggie: Lets not forget that strong lions in the wild are known to kill off the offspring of the previous leader to insure his own breeding success, so having a weak female Were is inviting trouble. Strong females of a Pride discourage takeovers more than anything because the new kings know they have to sleep sometime.
JC: And now we’re back to Anita.
Anita: Okay, okay. It’s all up to me again. I understand. Come here Noel, time for action finally.
Noel: Sex?
Everyone: Again??

Chapber 43:
Anita: * sniff sniff * *gnaw * tastes like chicken.
Noel: Ow! No biting!
Micah: Calm down, Noel. You’re acting like an entrée.
Noel: I want to keep my kibbles n’ bits please.
Anita: Definitely not Animal to Call material.
Micah: Unless you’re talking KFC To Go.
Travis: My turn? But we better hurry, I’m still about to pass out from the pain of getting pounded by Cookie Monster.
Anita: Hold up then, we have more random character interaction to add, ‘cause I just remembered, Fan Favorite Jason has yet to make a meaningful appearance.
Travis: Groan (dumb chickbooks).
Jason: You rang?
Everyone: Hi Norm!
Jason: Hi Everybody!
Fangirls: Squeeeeeeee!
Jason: Obviously I’m not here for plot development, so what position do you need me in? * grin *
Anita: I need lions, not wolves.
JC: Actually, I’m sure Jason could fill in at some point. A beast is a beast.
Graham: He’s not the only wolf in the hallway!
Anita: Yes he is. Go hump a fire hydrant or something.
Graham: *grumbling * gonna kick his wussy butt later, horning in on my scene….
Jason: You can try, Forehead.
Ming Die: If Jason gets book time, so do I!
Anita: Only if you act so obnoxiously bitchy it makes me saint-like in comparison. There’s too many women challenging my status as Center of Attention as it is.
Ming Die: * blink * There’s only 2 of us.
Claudia: Three.
Ming Die: There’s only two women and a big mannish rat dyke (is that bitchy enough?)
Anita: (Yes, perfect.) All the men are destined to be mine, so two is two too many.
Ming Die: Whatever, I’ll take what I can get. Does anyone want my hottness?
Half of Room: No.
Other Half of Room: Wow. She’s hot in black paten leather.
Ming Die: Jason..?
Jason: I’m on the clock. Plus, she’s better at making love.
Ming Die: But I’m an Orgasmatron!
Jason: It’s all about the emotions chickie, and she’s the star of the series.
Ming Die: I want to fuck, who will fuck me?
Damien: Thor’s Hammer, who writes ham-handed dialogue like that?
Ming Die: Ah, Damian, Mister Last-in-my-little-black-book. You can fuck me.
Damien: Not flattering. And No.
Ming Die: How about you Nerdboy?
Noel: You scare me. No.
London: Is my Ardeur fix in the room? Oh Aniiiiita.
Ming Die: You! You may fuck me!
London: Later. Must have Anita.
Ming Die: Anita has had London too? She doesn’t even like him!
Anita: It was an accident.
Ming Die: What, you Oopsie! Slipped and fell on his erection!?
Anita: Um…pretty much.
Ming Die: Quit Bogarting the Boys!! * draws knife *
Claudia: Nope! Not tonight!
Assorted Guards: * pounce subdue*
Ming Die: Just kill me now.
JC: Do not die this way.
Ming Die: Fine, I’ll behave myself tonight.
London: Anita My Lady, I am ready to serve you again should you have need.
Damien: Again with the dialogue.
Anita: Again…?
London: It is my gift. Let me feed you.
Anita: You’re talking like a junkie.
London: I am a junkie. * grin * A happy addict, happily feeding my addiction like a happy addict should.
Nathaniel: Of course later, addicts die. Except in Anita Blake books. Unless she decides to never like you. Or unless Laurell decides you are the sacrificial turkey for next book, or unless …
Everyone: Nathaniel, Shoosh.

Chapter 44:
Anita: *sniff sniff * Travis, you’re a baloney sandwich.
Travis: Promise you won’t bond with Cookie until we find a manly choice of our own for you?
Anita: Why not.
Auggie: I want to go to the ballet.
JC: I know I know, get to work freeing you from Anita’s power. We’re working on it.
Auggie: You need to wait until I have some back up here because I’m still planning on taking over your pride one way or another.
Anita: Not happening.
Auggie: It will if you choose one of my lions. What’s theirs is mine.
Anita: Not if I kill him.
Auggie: Threat?
Anita: Not yet.
Auggie: I’m not trying to take what belongs to JC. The local pride is up for grabs.
Anita: You’re still a pain in my ass.
Jason: You can always fix this by hooking up with a strong local lion Anita. What’s yours is JC’s.
Anita: It’s up to me to save the day again.
Jason: Flat on your back at a hundred miles an hour baby.
Anita: Sigh. You know, I’m starting to miss saving the world with my pants on.
Laurell: We need more positive life affirmation in this book.
Jason: Clearly it’s her bottom half that’s the ‘life affirming’ part.
Micah: * musing * Using that logic, this would mean we can quit taking up so much page space talking to her…
Nathaniel: *whisper * shush.
Jason: So I have a report to make.
JC: And…?
Jason: Sex with mermaids leaves piranha bites. When you finally get around to having sex with the mermen, you might want to muzzle them.
Anita: There are mermaids in this book…?
Jason: Remember? Back at the beginning of the book…?
Anita: Oh..! Oh right…!
Auggie: You’re gonna pick one of my lions.
Anita: It’s my power and I’ll do what I want to.
Auggie: You haven’t yet.
JC: She’s controlling her powers more and more.
Auggie: Only her vampire powers. Her shifter powers do their own thing.
Anita: Killjoy.

Chapter 45:
Jason: And now for something completely different.
JC: Dress Up.
Anita:. Insert painfully detailed costume description here.
JC: Theatre.
Anita: Insert painfully detailed building description here.
JC: Performance.
Anita: Just watch the last 60 seconds of the “Call Me When You’re Sober” video.
JC: This whole book is as random as a music video anyway.
Damien: Did we ever determine if Anita were safe in public?
Micah: Eh. *shrug *
Everyone: *shrug *
Anita: Speaking of everyone, we have every superpower out in force right now don’t we?
The Entire St. Louis Cast: Yep! Just call us if you need us.
Anita: Surely we won’t need everyone here.
Jason: Did the earth just shift?
Ballet Troop: *Whammy *
Anita: Hey, we’re all being hypnotized by the ballet troop. Where did that come from?
Most of the St Louis Cast: Ih-mo-tep. Ih-mo-tep.
Anita: That tears it. No fairy vampires can come floating into my town and control everyone without my permission!
Ballet Boy: Just relax and enjoy the show already. We do this all the time because we’re so powerful we can cloud the memories of even the most powerful of vampire masters.
Anita: Uh-oh.

Chapter 46:
Ballet Boy and Crew: And now, for your viewing pleasure, the magic of David Copperfield!
Human Audience: Woooooooo.
Werewolf Audience: Ahhhhhhhh.
Vampire Audience: Mmmmmmmmm!
Anita: David Copperfield is a vampire?
Ballet Boy and Crew: He certainly sucks the life out of the audience doesn’t he?
Vampire Audience: Quit messing with our minds.
Ballet Boy and Crew: How about a little Stephen Sondheim?
Vampire Audience: Anything but Bernadette Peters!
Anita: Hey guys, they’re trying to take us all over here…
Ballet Boy and Crew: Rogers and Hammerstein?
Damian: singing: The stage is alive with the sound of mus…
Anita: It’s time to fight back here! Power up our cats!
JC: Activate interlocks! Dyna-therms connected. Infra-cells up; mega-thrusters are go!
Wereleopards: Let’s go Voltron Force!
Anita: Smart-asses.
JC: That’s what you get for lame dialogue.
Anita: Grrr. I’ll just singlehandedly pull the rest of our were-animals out of the trance. That’ll show you.
All Animals (save hyenas) : Hey! What happened?
Anita: I freed all of you.
Ballet Boy: But can you free yourself? *whammy *
Anita: Durh…
JC: Say “please” and I’ll save you Ms. Cockybritches.
Anita: Blrhh?
JC: Close enough.
Ballet Boy: Curses!

Chapter 47:
Ballet Boy and Crew: And now, for your viewing pleasure, the magic of Doug Henning!
Everyone: TIE-DYE!!! EEEEEEEEE!!!
JC: Grumble. They never tried to whammy the vampires in other shows before…
Anita: Why try it now?
Claudia: Who cares! They’re doing it now!
Anita: Oh yeah? *Flicks bird at Ballet Boy
Ballet Boy and Crew: Speaking of…how about Alfred Hitchcock?
Anita: Hey…is anyone else hearing birds or is it just me?
Auggie: That’s Merlin, leader of the troop. He calls birds.
Anita: Agggh! Birds!
Auggie: Allow me to help. Use my power and we’ll give them the Power of Three!
Anita Auggie and JC: * Reverse Whammy *
Merlin: Pause…
Anita: Hey, I think we won…
Merlin: WHAMMO
JC: Eek! He’s spanking us!
Anita: think..think..think…what new power to pull out of my butt…Oh yeah! Obsidian Butterfly!
Merlin: I shall own you all…!
Anita: I shall summon the big black mouth of doom!
Merlin: Was that a gun metaphor?
Anita: I don’t need guns anymore! Ya-a-a-w-n!
Merlin: Oh my god! The gaping hole! It’s huge! Can’t stay out…!
JC: Well, duhhh: Ubersnatch.
Merlin: She’s not human! She’s never BEEN human!
Mother o’ Dark: Oh! Oh! Me! Pick me! I know what she is!
Anita: And that would be?
Mother o’ Dark: Mine! Moo-hoo-haaa-haaaaaaa!
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Danse Macabre in a Nutshell