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Polar Night	By : belladonnacullen Category: Twilight Series > AU/AR > Het > Het Views: 8234 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
- 9
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- 11
In my dream, Edward was topless and spearing fish in the shallow water of the bay, throwing them at my feet after he caught them, one after the other. They were the same orange, black and neon yellow fish that I’d almost seen when we went snorkeling. They gasped for air on the beach, beautiful, marvelous and nearly dead. I stood up to gather them in my arms, a squirming, fishy bouquet, when I noticed that I was only wearing a tattered scrap of a nautical sail. I smiled as I watched sparkles of light reflecting off of Edward’s skin dance across the rough fabric. I turned to gaze at him, muscular, pale and crystalline, like a silhouette in the negative, white against the vivid aquamarine sky where enormous fluffy clouds were billowing in a celestial pillow fight.

The clouds kept coming, covering the sky like spilled milk, and the warm wind picked up, blowing my hair across my eyes. A storm was coming in. I pulled the sailcloth tighter around my body and held my hair behind my head so that I could see. The emerald green leaves of the palms whipped in the wind, fronds fell at my feet, but as I spun around, Edward was nowhere to be seen.

A small rowboat bumped against the shore. I climbed in and rowed out to sea, in search of my husband. The weather turned cold and freezing rain began pelting my bare skin. Gray ice floes crowded the boat, bumping against its sides with unexpected force, nearly knocking me overboard, and tearing the oars from my hands. Wind whipped around me, ice screeched against the tiny hull of the sailboat, and finally, a low gray landmass came into view.

I recognized this place. I’d been here before. I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew what was going to happen. I’d hear Edward’s voice, he’d tell me that it was going to be okay, and then a path would open in the ice. The sun would come out and I’d make my way to the shore.

I waited. The sleet tore at my tattered rags, until I was left standing naked in the cold, my arms wrapped around my body. Wood splintered as the ice tore at the hull. Edward’s voice didn’t come. Instead, the water came swirling into the bottom of the boat, quickly covering my feet, my ankles, and then my knees.

I leaped from the boat, running and jumping between thick slabs of ice, diving for the safety of the snow-covered shore. I didn’t stop when I reached land. I picked myself up, racing through swirling snow, wind and ice, past rows of red-caped figures, calling out for Edward. Praying that I would hear his voice.

Instead, I found the baby. The little boy I saw in my dream so many nights ago, with his golden curls, bright green eyes, and his arms thrown open when he caught sight of me. Mine. I picked him up off the cold ground and held him to me, bringing his mouth to my breast.

“Ouch!” He bit me.

“No, no,” I cooed, and wagged my finger at him.

The boy turned from my breast and gazed into the gale, his expression too wise for an infant. Tears sprung to his eyes, and he let out a high-pitched wail as he stared at something behind me, something terrifying. His cry touched something deep inside myself, and I felt myself growing strong, fierce, defensive. Nothing would hurt this little one. I spun around to face his fear. The line of red capes was advancing, and then, through the swirling gray snow and ice, I saw a long line of wolves, growling, snarling and baring their teeth.

“No!”

*****

I woke with a start, blinking into the golden eyes of my husband.

“Edward!” I gasped. He was here. With me. It was just a dream. I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Yes?” he smiled, his eyes sparkling in the bright light.

I was lying on the bed, in the blue room, on my honeymoon. Right. I looked down at my body, nearly naked in a see-through ivory negligee. I felt my face growing warm.

Edward’s cold fingers brushed my cheek.

“I will miss that,” he whispered, almost reverentially.

Wait, how did I get here?

“What happened?” I asked, still not completely recovered from my dream, and not yet anchored to reality. The last thing I remembered was… snuggling up to Edward in the den, watching… Blue Lagoon. How embarrassing! My cheeks burned hotter. It seemed so ridiculous in the light of the day.

“I thought you might be more comfortable sleeping in the bed. You fell asleep and saved me from having to finish that abominable film,” he laughed gently.

I felt my ears grow warm. Edward kindly changed the subject.

“Would you tell me what you were dreaming of? What had you so upset?” Again, he brushed my cheek with his fingertips. It was like he’d struck a match. I was suddenly on fire at the same time I struggled to contain fear that I felt bubbling to the surface. I knew Edward and I were working on being open with one another. But there was something about that particular dream that I felt I needed to protect. From Edward? I knew it made little sense, but I wasn’t ready to let go of this piece of my subconscious, yet.

“Why?” I asked, dreading what I may have let slip in my sleep. I snuck a look at Edward. He was still grinning at me, untroubled, but he had that look in his eyes that said he was trying to figure me out.

“You were tossing and turning and mumbling that… the fish were dying?” he answered, perplexed.

Ugh! I hid my face in my hands, completely embarrassed. That wasn’t the frightening part of the dream, but I wasn’t relieved either. I’d never confess that I had a subconscious fantasy where Edward was spearing fish a’la Christopher Atkins. Even worse, the thought of it had me tingling all over, and slightly damp between my legs.

“Oh. Just a dream about the fish we saw snorkeling,” I half-lied, crossing my legs.

Edward pressed his lips together. “I’ll have you know I didn’t kill one of those fish. And I hope I didn’t stoop to those depths in your dream. A fish, of all things…” But even as he joked, I could hear the change in his voice. His words had become clipped and his voice was deep and rough. He ran a cool finger along my thigh. He knew how I was feeling. I swallowed.

“You didn’t kill them with your teeth,” I admitted, looking out the window toward the water. In mind, I saw Edward out there, half-naked, a spear in hand and glittering in the sun. My body shuddered in response.

“Would you care to elaborate?” Edward asked, chuckling and turning my face to his. I saw the fierce need in his eyes, but his smile was genuine. It was too much, too overwhelming. I looked down at the blue satin sheets, embarrassed, happy, aroused.

“Bella?”

“So, is there anything else you would like to do today?” I asked, doing a poor Edward impersonation, and trying to beat him to the punch.

He laughed out loud and playfully, and very gently pushed me back down on the bed. All of the sudden it wasn’t so playful. Edward’s eyes burned into mine, his lips parted just enough for the sunlight to glance off of his teeth. His one hand grasped the headboard above me and his other hand grabbed a fistful of my nightgown. He held himself above me, and the thought that he might devour me lodged itself in my mind.

I was frightened and aroused all at once. I wanted to move, to do something, but it was as if his eyes had me pinned to the bed. If I could just shimmy a little, his grip would tear the silk, and then maybe, maybe…

But then Edward’s eyes softened and he broke into a smile. “Well, you said you’d like to see the tide pools.”

I laughed nervously, and he joined in, lowering himself to the bed next to me, caressing my arm.

“I think I rather enjoy this emotional schizophrenia,” he murmured, turning to his side. “Is it better for you, seeing more of how I feel, like you suggested yesterday?”

“I appreciate it. It seems more honest.”

“But it appears as though I scared you,” he said, gently stroking my cheek, a look of complete concern taking over his facial features.

“You looked a little like you wanted to eat me,” I admitted, hesitantly.

His eyes smoldered. “Not in the way you’re referring to.”

I gulped. “What would you like to do today, Edward?”

“Lay here with you,” he whispered.

“I think we could arrange that,” I murmured, rolling onto my side to face Edward, trying to act bold. I hoped that I wasn’t actually shaking with fear and desire. I definitely felt like I was.

Edward sighed and rolled to his back. “I’m afraid that’s out of the question. For now.” His voice was soft, and a little sad.

“Twenty-three days?” I asked, looking at the sheets.

“Yes.” Edward covered his eyes with his arm.

“Right.”

Silence fell over the room, heavy and stifling. I could hear my own heart beating. I rolled onto my back. We lay quietly, side by side, and I counted my breaths, something I knew Edward did from time to time. It was strangely comforting. After three hundred breaths, Edward clasped my hand in his and I could feel his eyes on me. I turned toward him, meeting his golden gaze, and he squeezed my hand.

“I’d like to make you dinner, properly. Something special.”

I smiled. “You really can cook?”

“A bit,” he admitted, trying not to grin.

“I know you. I know what ‘a bit’ means,” I giggled.

“Perhaps,” Edward allowed. “So first, tide pools, then dinner.”

*****

I wasn’t sure what happened this morning when Bella awoke, but I decided to accept it without agonizing. After the intensity of our discussion last night, after Bella falling asleep watching two nearly naked teenagers run around on a tropical island, I was ready for her to wake angry and frustrated. I wasn’t prepared for Bella to be troubled, aroused, and dreaming of fish.

As we set out for the tide pools on the northern shore of the island, I hoped the walk would distract me from the burning need I felt in Bella’s presence. The word ‘need’ didn’t do the feeling justice; it was a weak approximation of the all-consuming hunger I felt for my wife. With each passing hour, each time I avoided Bella physically, the feeling grew exponentially.

Part of my mind tried to convince myself that I could relieve our mounting tension by allowing intimacy to a limit, like we had before the wedding. But I didn’t trust myself, especially now, to draw a line and prevent it from becoming injurious. I wanted intercourse too badly, and I was dangerous and selfish. It was all I could do to keep Bella at arm’s length, most of the time. Over the past two days I’d taken liberties and had gotten too close. One of these times I was bound to slip and give in, and then what? Then the days I’d fought for Bella to hold on to would disappear in my embrace.

So, today I was careful to keep space between us while we walked. I didn’t hold Bella’s hand; I didn’t brush her hair behind her ear when she spoke to me. I didn’t push her up against the trunk of a tree and tear off her clothes. But I thought about it. With nearly every trunk we passed.

On the way, we talked more about plans for Bella’s transformation. She asked about Denali, the house there. It was the grandest house anyone in the family owned, with four large wings, and a large central living area where the family could gather. Although the whole family used the home freely, it was technically Rosalie and Emmett’s house; it had been since 1937. Esme gifted it to the couple when Carlisle, Esme and I rather indiscreetly sent them away to work off their newly mated passion.

“Rosalie’s house?” Bella sounded aghast. “I didn’t know.”

“We all use it. Rosalie won’t have a problem with it,” I assured Bella. One week ago I wouldn’t have been quite so certain, but I wasn’t willing to explain that to Bella just yet. Not with twenty-three days on the line.

“Are you sure? Maybe there’s somewhere else remote we could go. Maybe here?” she asked.

“The island doesn’t have all the advantages that Denali has. There’s no large game here. In order to feed, we’d have to take you to the mainland and avoid the city. It wouldn’t be nearly as convenient, for you.”

“Oh, right,” she mumbled, looking at her feet.

“Bella, the house is Emmett’s too. You know he wouldn’t object at all. We’ll ask them together. If either you or Rosalie feels uncomfortable with the idea, we’ll come up with another plan.”

“Alright,” Bella conceded warily. “And how long does it take to get there from Forks?”

“Just a day, if we drive quickly.”

Bella raised her eyebrows and cleared her throat. “Quickly?”

I shook my head in frustration. Her fear of speed wasn’t something I would miss. “The way you drive, Bella, it would take three days to get there. Why don’t we compromise and say two days,” I offered very generously.

I watched as Bella counted down the days in her head. “Less than three weeks,” she murmured, a bit shocked. “Edward, I want to leave enough time to go back and say goodbye to Charlie. To spend some time with him.”

“Of course. We could leave tomorrow, or even today if you’d like,” I offered. I tried not to let the reluctance show through to my face, honesty or no honesty. Bella deserved as much time with her human father as I could give her.

“No! Please!” Bella clutched my hand, her eyes suddenly anxious, pleading. “I’m not ready to go. I don’t want this to end, yet.” Just the feel of her small, hot hand in mine, and my mind spun out of control. I scanned the ground for a place to lay Bella down; I looked for something soft I could place under her head. I pulled her body against mine and gazed into her deep brown eyes.

“I don’t either, Bella,” I replied huskily. But then I caught myself, smiled awkwardly, and took a step backwards.

“All right, then,” Bella sighed with relief. She held my hand tightly and we continued on our way.

*****

We found the tide pools clustered on the edge of the forest canopy amid a rough volcanic outcropping that trapped and warmed the golden-hued water left behind at low tide. The pools were enormous, and if they weren’t so shallow, a human could easily swim laps across them lengthwise. Colorful anemones, red and purple starfish and prickly sea urchins clung to the rocks in clusters.

“Wow, it’s beautiful,” Bella said, walking between two large pools. I only nodded, staring at Bella instead of the scenery.

“They’re so much bigger than the ones at first beach in La Push. Do you think we could sit in them? The bottom looks really smooth and the water’s so clear. Would it disturb anything?”

I knew from Carlisle and Esme’s thoughts that bathing in the pools was definitely possible. But I was torn about whether or not to admit it.

“We didn’t bring swim suits,” I offered, in an attempt to indirectly dissuade Bella.

“Who needs a swim suit?” She asked, feigning innocence. I should have known better. I only raised my eyebrows in response.

Bella rolled her eyes. “We’re wearing underwear. At least I am. And even if you’re not, I don’t mind if you’re nude.”

I was frozen with indecision, completely conflicted about what I should do or say. I knew I should stop her, but it was the last thing I wanted to do. I reasoned with myself that I’d managed to spend the night with her while she wore nothing but a see-through nightgown. I could sit in a damned pool.

Bella stood before me blushing, her hands on the bottom edge of her tank top. “What do you say?”

I said nothing.

“Uh huh, I see,” she giggled nervously. “I’m going in. Make your choice, Mr. Cullen.”

With that she pulled her tank top over her head revealing a pastel pink lace push-up bra with a bow and a pearl at the clasp between her breasts. With her hands over her head I could see the top edge of each rosy areola. I balled my hands into fists and dug my toes into the rock under my feet. Bella shimmied out of her shorts, and her matching low-slung pink lace panties barely covered anything. Bella raised her eyes to meet mine, checking to see that I was looking, and then very slowly and very deliberately folded her clothing in front of me.

I held my breath and closed my eyes and waited, listening as she sighed and then tiptoed into the nearest pool.

“It’s really warm,” she said encouragingly. I heard her splashing a little as she walked to the far end of the pool.

“You’re really not coming in?” Bella pouted. “Please?”

With my eyes closed I shrugged out of my T-shirt, pulled off my shorts and submerged myself in the water all faster than Bella could follow with her eyes.

“Thanks,” Bella murmured from the other end of the pool, obviously nonplussed.

I turned my head heavenward and opened my eyes. The sky was bright turquoise and filled with large, white cumulus clouds. I felt my body warming to the temperature of the water, and a warm breeze blew through my hair. It was very pleasant. I looked across the pool at Bella, pink, wet, smiling seductively, the rise of her breasts level with the water. It was much more than pleasant.

“Esme.”
“Carlisle.”
“Esme.”

The voices came from the trees behind us, shattering our silence. I spun around and scanned the forest. I hadn’t heard any thoughts accompanying the voices.

“What was that?” Bella asked. I saw her trying to cover herself out of the corner of my eye. Good luck.

“Oh, Esme! Ack!”
“Oh, Carlisle! Ack!”

I spotted a flash of blue and red, and heard rapid heartbeats and beating wings. A company of eight large parrots burst through the top of the tree canopy, alighting to the uppermost branches. Bella’s laughter rang through the forest.

“Parrots?” she choked.

“Oh, Esme.”
“Oh, Carlisle.”
“Yes, yes. Ack!”

I couldn’t keep the smile from my face. I turned to see Bella bent double with laughter.

“They have been coming here for twenty-five years,” I reasoned aloud. “And these birds can live to be almost one hundred. They must be… acquainted with my parents.”

“Oh Esme.”
“Oh, Carlisle.”
“Ack.”

My laughter joined Bella’s, finally breaking the tension.

“I guess my ideas aren’t that original,” Bella managed between laughs. “I almost feel like we should leave.” She looked around her, as if she were surveying the site for evidence of my parents’ activities.

“Funny, now I’m more willing to stay,” I mused.

In just a couple hours we managed to teach the parrots a few other choice phrases, including, “Not tonight, Carlisle,“ and “Oh no, you didn’t“. We also taught them to say Bella and Edward for good measure. By that time the wind had picked up and gray clouds covered the sky. I felt the air pressure dropping and calculated that we had little more than an hour before a storm front passed over the island.

By human standards we hurried back to the little house. I was very aware that Bella’s wet bra and panties were slung over her shoulder and I tried not to sneak glances at her trembling breasts and the way her nipples rubbed against her cotton tank top. Nevertheless, I held her hand to help her along so that we could beat the storm. I hoped we could make it back without having to carry her. I likewise hoped we were caught in the rain. I was an emotional mess. Bella glanced up at me and squeezed my hand, her lips pressed together in a reassuring smile.

“Don’t worry, I won’t try anything. I promise,” she assured me.

“It’s not you I’m worried about, Bella.”

We made it back to the house with the first drops of rain.

*****

I actually requested that Bella take a shower when we returned, and asked her to take her time getting ready. I wanted dinner to be a surprise. As I pulled the ingredients from the refrigerator, I idly wondered if she was taking another cold shower, and smiled at the prospect. I hoped so. I hoped she thought of me as much as I did her when her body was naked and wet under the stream of water. How I wanted to push her up against the cool tiles, soaping her body… every inch of her body.

I took a few breaths to calm myself. I turned my thoughts to the sound of the rain against the roof tiles and the task ahead of me. Cooking didn’t come naturally and it was going to take some concentration. It was actually one of the hardest things I’d tried to master as a vampire. I found the smell and the taste of human food revolting, so I was left to sight, measurement, and Seth Clearwater. I doubted the boy had the most discriminating taste, but he was, after all, at least half human, and he had an insatiable appetite. Seth had sampled this meal on six separate occasions.

Bella knocked on the kitchen wall just as I was lighting the candles. I turned and took a deep, involuntary breath. She was wearing a navy strapless sundress that brushed against her thighs and had her brown hair was piled on her head, showing off her shoulders and her long neck. A few loose tendrils framed her face. Her lips glistened, her eyelashes stood out against her pale skin. She smiled shyly and her stomach rumbled. My beautiful human wife.

“It smells amazing,” she gushed, taking a deep breath.

I smiled as I took Bella’s hand and led her into the kitchen. I’d set the kitchen table with good china and crystal. Bella glanced at the bowl of breadsticks, the two glasses of Coca Cola, and the plate of ravioli, and then looked quizzically back at me.

“You made this?” she asked, taking the seat I held out for her.

“From scratch,” I admitted, sitting across from Bella, waiting for her to put something in her mouth. I could watch Bella eat for hours.

Bella took a bite. “Oh my god. How did you do this? It’s perfect.”

“I’m afraid I did a little dazzling in order to acquire the recipe from the chef at Bella Italia.”

“How much dazzling, exactly?” Bella asked coyly.

“It was all very innocent. I promise,” I smirked. I had no interest in middle-aged men.

“I couldn’t believe I was sitting there with you that night,” Bella said in a hushed voice, her eyes clouded over, lost in her memories.

“I’d seen many beautiful women before, Bella, but up until that night, no one had ever effected me like you did.”

Bella smiled and looked down at her plate. “Really?”

“Of course.”

“I couldn’t tell. I thought you were angry.”

“Not at you.”

“I’m so glad you’re more willing to tell me how you feel these days,” she said, popping ravioli into her mouth. I watched, mesmerized.

“Mm hmm,” I murmured, waiting for her to take another bite.

“Like, if I asked, would you tell me how you were feeling when we were having sex? Why it scares you so much.”

I sighed impatiently. It was as if everything came back to sex.

“Bella, it’s because I don’t want to hurt you. You know that. We’ve been over it many times.”

“Right, I understand that. But, I mean, how you felt.”

I paused and tried to gather my thoughts, attempting to translate everything from that experience into a coherent stream of words.

“I was working so hard to be careful, and to do things… well. To keep track of the list in my head, but I couldn’t. At a point, no matter how I tried to hold on, my mind let go and my body took over. There were just feelings, overwhelming, amazing feelings.”

Bella cocked her head to the side. “The list?”

The list. I hesitated a moment too long.

“What list?” Bella asked in a firmer voice.

“Not a list, exactly. Just advice, things to remember to keep you safe.”

“From who? Carlisle?”

“No, umm… Tanya pulled me aside before we left the reception.”

Bella’s eyes went wide and she put her fork down. “You talked to Tanya about having sex with me?”

“I didn’t say a thing, Bella. Tanya surprised me. She knew I’d never approach her. She was just trying to help.”

“Why would she try to help? She can’t stand me.”

“She didn’t know how I felt about you, Bella. Marriage means nothing to Tanya, and she couldn’t understand that I’d feel this way for a human. She never has.”

“What way, exactly?”

“Bella, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that you are my mate.”

“When?”

“While you were dancing with Jacob Black.”

“Oh.” Bella paused, things suddenly a little less black and white with Jacob in the picture. “So you were thinking about Tanya’s list while we were having sex?”

“No! Not Tanya’s list. Bella, I was doing everything I could to keep you safe, while I tried to keep our bargain, and to make things… enjoyable for you. Tanya knows I couldn’t live with myself if anything had happened to you; how it would feel if I let anything happen to my mate.”

“And she wouldn’t want to see you hurt like that, if anything happened to me?”

“Right,” I agreed.

“Right. Hmm.”

Bella was quiet for the rest of the evening. She wasn’t exactly angry, but more contemplative. After dinner, she excused herself to get ready for bed. I sat on the bed and wondered what her silence meant. I decided to come out and ask her, we were being honest with one another, after all. If she was upset about Tanya it was best to get things out in the open.

*****

As usual, I was completely unprepared for Bella’s reaction to our dinner conversation. She walked boldly into the bedroom wearing a black teddy that left nothing to the imagination. I was shocked, floored, enamored and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. It was not what I expected at all.

“What do you think?” she asked, staring me in the eye.

“You look beautiful. You always do,” I managed. My words sounded strangled. My eyes didn’t leave Bella for a second as she walked over to me and sat down next to me on the bed.

“I thought you were angry,” I almost stammered.

“I realized something, Edward, when we were talking at dinner.” Bella grazed her fingers along my arm and I nearly jumped out of my skin. It took all of my willpower to keep my hands off of her.

“It’s really so simple. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier.”

“What?”

“But, I’m just learning about all of this, really. What it’s like to really be with you.”

“What Bella? Please, you’re… driving me crazy.”

“I personally think Tanya would like nothing more than to see me dead and buried, sooner rather than later.”

“Bella, that’s --”

“Please, let me finish. But even though she can’t stand me, she couldn’t live seeing the pain that caused you. She couldn’t let you get hurt that way.”

I saw where she was going with this, or I thought I did. But, why the lingerie? I was lost. “Bella, I didn’t know. She never said, never even thought as much around me. She’s never really cared for any man. I didn’t imagine --”

“Edward, I’m not angry that Tanya cares for you… so much. All right, maybe a little. It would be worse if I didn’t know how you felt about me. How we feel about one another. I am completely attached to you, Edward. Like I’m part of you. It’s like I can’t stay away from you. I can’t stop myself from acting like a fool and trying to get you into bed. We’re bound, right?”

I nodded my head.

“And you feel this too?”

I nodded again.

“Then make love to me, Edward. Please.”

“Bella, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t ask me to be more myself with you emotionally, but then ask me to sleep with you, putting you in more danger because of what I really am.“

“But that’s it, Edward. It’s because of who you are. You can’t hurt me, because you’re a vampire. Because I’m your mate. No matter what, you cannot hurt me. It’s so silly. I always knew that. I’ve always said you couldn’t hurt me, and you can’t. You can’t because we belong to each other.”

“But Bella, I did. Just look at your bruises.”

“Edward, stop being such a perfectionist. I’m human. Having sex with me is different than a math problem, or a difficult piece of music.” Bella stopped abruptly and sighed, shaking her head.

“Don’t you see, Bella? I tried so hard to do things right and it didn’t work.”

“Don’t try then. It’s when you weren’t trying anymore, that’s what I really loved about that night. I loved you, when you were being you.”

“I can’t, Bella. Not if it means you could get hurt.”

“Edward, think about me. Tanya doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s never had a human… mate, right? Don’t think of a silly list. Think about me, your wife. Just think about me. I love you, Edward Cullen. You and I are going to be together forever. Because I am yours. You know it. I am yours. I am your mate.”

“But --”

“Sshh.” Bella put her finger to my lips. The woman I loved. The forceful and brave woman I married, so nearly naked, confident, warm.

She let her finger trace the outline of my mouth, and then trailed it down my neck and over my chest. I didn’t stop her. Then she brought her lips to mine. My body shook, my hands found her shoulders and I struggled not to crush them with the force of what I was feeling. I felt her breasts heaving against my chest through the flimsy lace. She pressed her body against me, pulling at my shirt. I let her pull it off; I let her run her hands across my chest, down over my abdomen.

“I love you, Edward. Not some pretend human. You. And you’re the one that’s going to protect me.”

I felt her little hands at the button of my pants. I was so hard that my erection was getting in the way, making it difficult for her. But Bella’s voice and her hands didn’t falter.

“I love your eyes, the way they flicker when you’re excited. Like they are right now. I love your hands. Your fingers, what they do to a piano, what they do to me. They’re so long, so refined, and so strong at the same time.”

Bella had my pants undone, her hot hand searching, reaching, caressing, until I felt myself naked and in her grip. A voice in the back of my head commanded me to put an end to this, immediately. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to. I buried my fists in the bedding. I moved my lips to Bella’s ear, and then to her neck, freeing her lips and allowing her words to caress me.

“And I love how cold you are when you want me. How cold you were inside of me. I don’t want anything but this. I don’t want to pretend you’re human. I…”

I looked at Bella, barely covered in black lace, and then at me, topless, my pants undone and my erection bulging. I shouldn’t have let it get this far. Even if what she was saying made some sense. I couldn’t.

“Bella, I’m sorry. But, please, listen to your own words. I can’t hurt you. I can’t let us do… this.”

With those words, the spell was broken and Bella pulled abruptly away. “Will you listen to me for once, please? I’m making sense. And I want this. I want you. And I know you want me. Can we please try again?”

“No.” I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and held my head in my hands. “No,” I whispered into my hands. My brain was continuing where my body had left off. I was ripping the lace from Bella’s body, she was sitting in my lap and I had her impaled on my penis, her breast in my mouth. “No,” I whispered.

“I got it. No,” Bella said, resigned. “I’ll go change. This was stupid.”

“No, Bella, please. It wasn’t stupid. You just have too much faith in me. I’m dangerous. You don’t know what I want to do.”

“Bite me?”

And pound her, and grab her and… I didn’t answer.

“I’ll go change.”

“You don’t have to, Bella.”

“I don’t have to?”

“I don’t want you to.”

“Why?”

I pulled my pants up, and leaned against the wooden headboard.

Bella hesitantly swung her legs onto the bed and rolled to her side, her hands under her head. Her hair tumbled over her shoulder, her breasts were pressed together, her hip jutted into the air, and swept down to her tiny waist.

Hold her. Pull her to you.

“You know I’ve never wanted anyone else, Bella. I didn’t understand this in some ways, especially in the beginning, when I was young. I saw what Esme brought to Carlisle, how their love changed him. I wanted that for myself, but it was like my body wasn’t interested. Everyone else around me, human and vampire alike, dated. But I couldn’t. At the same time I thought it might help temper my nature, I had no desire.

“I could have laid in bed with a beautiful woman in lace lingerie many times over my existence, Bella. But I never did. I didn’t want it. And over the years I began to think that was just who I was. I was complete in myself. I’d mastered abstinence as far as drinking from humans, and this other abstinence was natural. I would live unobtrusively, walking through the world like I wasn’t there, leaving it untouched.

“But now, Bella… My body waited for you, for this moment. I want you with me, in this bed, nearly naked. I want it completely, utterly. I know you don’t want me setting the boundaries. I know that maybe it’s not fair. But do me the honor of lying here with me, knowing that I really want that garment lying in pieces on the ground and myself buried deep inside of you.”

“There were other women that wanted you?”

“That’s what you heard? Bella, there has never been anyone but you. Not even close.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t want to pretend, Bella. Out of everything you’ve asked of me, it’s the one thing I can actually do. I want my wife in bed with me. I can’t pretend I don’t want it, I don’t want to anymore.”

I hazarded a glance at Bella. She was now sitting, shaking, biting her bottom lip, her hands around her waist. Her head darted up as I turned to her and her eyes caught mine. I didn’t need to read her mind to see the pain, the desire, and the need, each fighting one another for dominance. She looked how I felt, how we both felt. I had to stop discounting the depth of her feelings because of her humanity.

“Edward, I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“Stay away from you. Maybe twenty-three days is too long. Maybe we should just call this what it is. A failed experiment, like you said. Go home, go to Denali. Maybe there’s no reason to wait.”

“What? No! I won’t change you for sex.”

“It’s for you, Edward. Because, now, I need all of you. If there’s no other way, then let’s stop torturing ourselves.”

“No.”

“Why not? What difference does twenty-three days make?”

“As much as I want you forever, Bella, I value your humanity too. This is the end of your life, and it’s too soon. Please, give yourself the time. Give me the time.”

“Think about it, Edward. Let’s just go, get it over with. This island is beautiful, and I love spending this time with you, but we can come back again, when we can enjoy it completely.”

“Bella, please. Please don’t push me to end your life any sooner that I have to.”

Bella turned away from me and looked at the floor.

“You’ve always wanted more than I can give, Bella. I’m trying so hard to do this right. For you, and for me.”

“You should stop trying so hard. Just let it happen.”

“Please don’t push me to change you sooner. We can leave; we can go wherever you want. But please, twenty-three days. I don’t want to lose this time with you.”

Bella sighed. “Okay, we’ll leave. That sounds fair. It will give me time to say my goodbyes, to get ready for Denali.” She looked up at me, resigned, hopeful, and disconsolate. I’d failed her. I felt my eyes burning, and blinked to ease the pain.

“Would you let me hold you?” I asked, desperate to make up for the pain I’d caused her. Part of me wondered which was worse, the physical damage I’d done, or the emotional turmoil I’d been causing ever since.

Bella’s eyes were glassy, glistening in the moonlight, deep pools of chocolate. “I love you, Edward,” she whispered, her voice cracking. She moved closer to me and nuzzled her head against my chest. “I don’t want to make this hard for you.”

“I’m sorry, Bella. I want to give you everything, but I can’t.”

There was nothing left to say and we fell into silence, listening to the waves crash against the shore, listening to raindrops patter against the roof. Within minutes, her body fell into mine, her head grew warm and heavy, and her breathing became steady and deep.

I looked down at Bella, and my body shuddered. To say that I wanted her was a gross understatement. My body needed her, my hands went to stroke her, but I pulled them back. I shifted my body so my erection didn’t touch her, but I was on fire at every point of contact where her skin met mine. I felt my own breath coming faster and I slipped my body out from underneath hers, not trusting myself to hold her the entire night. I moved to the edge of the bed, and fell into stillness as I watched Bella breathe. We were leaving. It was done. We tried. I couldn’t be trusted.

After an hour I noticed a glimmer of sweat on Bella’s brow. Of course, she’d be too warm if we weren’t touching. I was quickly up and out of the bed, turned up the air conditioning, and returned to the bedroom. I knew something was different as soon as I entered the room. Bella’s scent. There was a bold, musky undertone to her floral scent. She was aroused.

“Bella?”

The only answer was her deep and steady breathing. I perched on her side of the bed, drawn to her, desperate to be near her. She rolled from her side to her back, and I could see all of her lying before me, just a thin veil of lace between her and I. I watched her rub her thighs together in her sleep, watched her nipples harden on their own.

“Ooh,” she sighed.

I reached out to touch her waist, but drew my hand back. Even her subconscious was tempting me.

“Yes,” she murmured.

I held my breath and closed my eyes. It wasn’t good enough. Her hot breath found its way to my skin and my body vibrated with the beat of her heart. Bella moaned softly and each of my hairs stood on end. I knew that I needed to leave the bedroom, but I HAD to hold her; I had to press myself against her. Instead of either action, I sat frozen, on the edge of the bed. Close enough to feel Bella’s heat, far enough to cause me pain.

After three quiet minutes, I allowed myself to open my eyes to look at Bella’s face. Just her face. It was the wrong decision. Her skin was flushed and dewy with perspiration, her lips were full and glistening, parted almost as in an invitation. I had to touch my wife.

I trailed my fingertip along the gentle curve of Bella’s naked thigh, to her knee and back. She sighed in her sleep and rubbed her legs together again. My finger traced the same path, but continued past her knee, over her calf, then to her ankle and back. The gentle, graceful curve of her silhouette had me in awe. I let my eyes wander over the rest of Bella’s body. Her rosy nipples, her breasts full and flat as she lay on her back, her taut abdomen shaking with her pulse, and the soft curling hair of her sex, quivering as Bella’s hand drifted between her legs in her sleep.

“Yes,” she moaned, louder this time.

It would take nothing to rip the lace away.

“You can’t hurt me, because you’re a vampire. Because I’m your mate.”

Part of me said that Bella didn’t know what she was talking about. She couldn’t understand what it took to keep myself from breaking her beneath me, from ending her human life naked, in my arms. Hadn’t she heard when I said I couldn’t concentrate, that I couldn’t hold on to my mind?

“Don’t think about those things. Just think about me.”

Just think about Bella: beautiful, trusting, brave, good, mine. She was mine. Completely. Forever. Almost without thinking about it, my pants were undone and I was rubbing myself, thinking about Bella. Our first kiss, our second, the first time I’d touched her breasts, the first time I let her feel me, the first time I’d let myself come in front of her, the first time I let her touch me. And more than that, not just our bodies, everything. She was mine to confide in, and I was hers to teach openness, honesty, and acceptance.

“Just think of me.”

My breathing grew heavier, my hand moved faster. I thought of Bella. All of the things I’d like to do with Bella in the future. All the ways I’d hoped to love her, all the ways I could after she was turned.

Bella sighed, moaned a little, and made little muffled noises. I kissed the soft, fragrant spot behind her ear.

With my touch Bella’s eyes shot open. “OH!” She blinked, startled. “Oh.” She looked around her and her eyes fell on me. “Oh.” With that look, her expression changed from one of surprise to one of sadness. “Oh,” she sighed.

“Bella?” I choked, burning with need. “What’s wrong?”

Her eyes welled with tears; she blinked hard and looked away from me. “Ooh.” I saw her wipe her eyes. “It was only a dream.” She sounded desperately disappointed.

I brushed her cheek and I was on fire. My throat closed up; I was choking on her scent. “It’s all right, love. You’re here in bed with me,” I managed to rasp hoarsely.

“I know. That’s what’s wrong. I’m here. I’m in bed with you. I was just sleeping,” she replied through tears, still not looking at me.

She was despondent because she was in bed with me? “Bella, please, what can I do?”

Without another word, she spun around and her lips met mine. My hands responded instantly, cradling the back of her head, still warm and damp with sleep, carefully pressing her to me.

“I’ll agree to the syringe, I’ll go to college, anything, please,” Bella words were rushed. She breathed them into my mouth through kisses.

“Sshh,” I forced my mouth more completely over hers, silencing her with my kiss. My hands were between her breasts, and with a quick move the top of her lingerie was torn, her breasts were in my hands, and Bella gasped against my mouth.

“Isabella,” I growled under my breath.

She made a little noise, a whimper, and I felt its vibration in every cell of my body, like I was attuned to her. I pulled Bella onto my lap, sliding one hand between her legs.

“Ahh!” she hissed.

She was impossibly warm, already wet, and with another pass of my hand I’d torn the bottom of the lace lingerie in two. My finger ran along her folds, soft, warmer and wetter with every stroke. She responded, moving against my hand, pressing harder, searching out my erection. With that subtle move, my finger was inside her, her walls encasing me in fiery silk. I heard myself moan into her mouth. Bella rolled her hips again, and finger was deeper within her. She moved rhythmically on top of me.

“Edward, I’ll do anything, I’ll stay h --”

“Shh.” I didn’t want a bargain, I didn’t want promises. I wasn’t doing this for any other reason than because I should. I wanted to. She shouldn’t be upset to share my bed. Bella was …

“MINE.” It came out louder and rougher than I’d intended.

“Yes,” she agreed, her face buried against my shoulder. Her body vibrated, her muscles clenched at my finger, and warm silken wetness flowed around my finger and coated my hand. Yes, she was mine.

I tossed Bella on her back a little harder than I’d intended. I was on top of her, my clothing on the floor. Her nipple was between my thumb and forefinger, still wet with her arousal. Bella moaned and arched her back. I pressed myself against her and went in for a kiss. Bella placed her hands on either side of my face, catching my eyes, stopping me.

“Edward,” she said evenly. It wasn’t a plea, not a question. It was a statement.

I wound my arm around Bella’s waist and pulled her body against me.

“Just look at me. I’m Bella. I’m yours. I’m human. I’m yours, now do what you wa-”

With Bella’s hands on my face, her eyes piercing into mine, claiming me, reminding me of what was important, I took a leap of faith and let go. In one swift move I was inside of her, fire, flames, my body was taken over, my mind was lost.

“Yes!” I growled.

“Edward.” Bella’s hands were on my face. “Look at me, yours, your mate.”

“Bella,” I growled, holding her gaze. I could see my eyes reflected in Bella’s, they were glowing yellow orbs of fire. “Bella,” I begged, my mind suddenly fighting its way back to the surface. Could I do this? Would I hurt her again?

Bella looked at me, determined and strong, and held my face so close to hers. “You won’t hurt me. I am yours. Now take me.”

She rolled her hips underneath me, rocking me inside of her. I growled, and then I saw Bella’s eyes light up. And that was it, Bella was my world and I lost myself in her. Moving against one another, with one another, deep swift strokes, filling her, pressing my body flush with hers, reaching my hand under her thigh, my eyes on hers, Bella, my mate, one hand around the back of her head, holding her face in front of mine. My love, my life, I was hers; I’d keep her safe, human.

“Mine,” she whispered urgently, softly, and sweetly. My body ignited with cold fire, burning from deep within. I twisted my hands in her hair. “Isabella,” I rasped, “don’t worry, my love.”

“Mine,” she said firmer, louder.

*****

Edward’s growl tore through the air, it tore through me, exposing me and making me feel raw. In one swift and graceful move, his hand went from behind my head and he reached for something behind and above me. His other arm held my body to his, his cold skin rubbing against mine, as he drove himself into me over and over. I clutched his back, his backside, and I worked against him, moving my hips in time with his. The rumble in Edward’s chest shook my body, shook the bed. My eyes never left his, and I saw golden sunbursts, flicker, glow, and burst over and over. I was shaking, the bed was shaking, wood was cracking, and the world went yellow.

“Edward!”

I was carried over the edge on a wave of grunts and growls, my body cold and on fire all at once, pushing my hips into Edward’s, pushing him impossibly deeper with every wave of heat that coursed through my body. And then I was so cold, from the inside out, from my core, then my sex, then my inner thighs. It was over. I was still shaking. Edward was gasping, his head lying next to mine.

“Wow,” I breathed.

I heard a quiet chuckle. Edward pulled my body flush with his as he rolled to his side to face me. His eyes glimmered softly, his nose brushed against mine, a smile played at the corners of his lips. He was breathtaking. Edward ran his hand languidly through my hair.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed.

“Shh! Do not apologize.”

“That was … rough. Too quick. I’ve wanted you so badly.”

He kissed me tenderly, gently, full on the lips. I felt my body turning to liquid. Edward’s hand trailed from my face, to my shoulder, to my breast.

“Ahh!” I gasped into the kiss. Edward pulled away from me so he could look into my eyes. He let go of my nipple so he could rub my cheek with his thumb.

“That’s not how I intended to make love to you… yet.”

“How did you intend?” I asked, surprising myself with my low and sultry voice.

Edward’s eyes looked deep into mine with that same fiery and all-consuming burn. His words were a hushed deep rumble. “Very slowly, and very intentionally.” His hand left my face to caress my breast again, and then moved it to my hip. He looked over my body slowly, intently, and I ached, filled with desire all over again.

“Are you hurt?” he whispered, almost reluctantly.

I shook my head, but Edward’s eyes weren’t on my face. “No,” I managed, as he surveyed every inch of me.

“You’re sure?” Edward actually squeezed my arms, my hips. I played along gamely, flexing my arms and legs.

“Edward, I feel… great, really. That was… a lot, but you weren’t rough.”

Edward looked back at my face. He looked practically giddy, overjoyed.

“Then it worked?” I asked.

“It was different this time,” he conceded, gazing into my eyes. “Are you… sore?” he asked, his eyes changing right in front of me. Growing hotter by the second.

“I… I don’t know?” Edward pushed the length of himself against me, and I could hear a purr deep in his chest.

“Again?” I asked, disbelieving. One of Edward’s hands was on my lower back, pushing my body into his cold, granite erection; his other hand stroked my cheek as his eyes blazed brighter than the sun.

Edward brought my leg over his hip so that I was pressed against the length of him. His stroked the tender spot behind my ear. He gazed into my eyes, and spoke very slowly and deliberately, to make sure that my human ears could hear, I think. “The feel of you against me, around me, Bella… words can’t do it justice. It’s like I’ve been set on fire, like I was made for this …for you. And if you’re not hurt, and you’re not sore or tired, I will make love to you for as long as you will let me.”

I struggled to remain coherent, to concentrate, to look into his eyes in order to keep him focused on me like I did just before. But, what his hands were doing to my bottom, and his words, his words! I was drowning.

“Let me show you how I wanted to make love to you the second time.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

Before I could see what he’d done, Edward tore the lace of the negligee completely from my breasts, straps and all. He held my breasts in his hands, and kissed them tenderly, reverentially, circling each areola, before moving in to my nipples, licking and sucking so slowly that I moaned with impatience and arched my back into his mouth. But Edward smiled up at me, and gently pressed me back down to the bed. “Patience, love,” he purred.

And slowly this time, so that I could see it, he gently tore the negligee down the midline, just a centimeter. His mouth followed the tear, and he kissed and licked and sucked at the skin between my breasts, glancing up at me every so often to make sure I was watching. And then centimeter by centimeter, he continued to tear at the lace, his mouth following his hands, over my abdomen, pausing to flick his tongue over and around my navel, continuing until the garment was torn in two down the front and Edward’s mouth was there.

He took his time with my clit, slowly kissing his way around it before he even touched me there. And when he did, he didn’t want to leave it alone. I squirmed and rocked my hips, breathing like I couldn’t get enough air, biting my finger, mumbling something, I think. Edward pulled my legs over his shoulders, wound one hand under my bottom and grasped my hip, holding me to the bed. And then, without warning I felt an ice-cold finger deep inside me at the same time he flicked my clitoris with his freezing tongue. I whimpered and moaned and Edward moved his finger and his mouth in time.

I looked down and his glowing eyes met mine. “Come for me, Bella,” he rasped at the same time he found my sweet spot with his fingers. His breath washed over me, and the world exploded around me, over and over.

I’d clenched my eyes shut, lost in sensation, in this feeling I’d needed for days, forever. It was like my body was singing, my mind was empty, I was pure pleasure.

And then icy hands were underneath me, on my back, the world spun and I was sitting on Edward’s lap, straddling him. I opened my eyes, and he was right in front of me leaning against the headboard, his white skin nearly glowing in the moonlight, his eyes triumphant like I hadn’t seen since the wedding.

I smiled uncontrollably. Finally. Happy.

Edward pulled what was left of the lace away and I pressed my naked body against his. I would never have the time to get enough of this. His hands were all over me, gently touching, caressing, exciting, and too quick for it really to register.

And then his hands were on my backside, and he pushed me into him, against him and I felt his chest vibrating. It was like the time in the meadow all over again, except this time we were naked and we were going to have sex. Right now. I felt myself getting lightheaded, and I clung to Edward’s shoulders for support. The look in Edward’s eyes changed to one of concern, and he brushed my cheek with his fingers.

“I’m okay,” I whispered.

He kissed me very gently, taking my bottom lip between his, lightly sucking, and holding the back of my head with one hand.

“I love you, Isabella,” he whispered back.

I found my bearings, opened my eyes, and moved my hips. Edward growled in response. We both moved a little awkwardly, wriggled, angled. I sat up and found him with my hand and pushed myself against him. My body shook with Edward’s groan, and his hands quickly left my body. One clutched the mattress and the other the headboard behind him. What happened to the headboard? It was nearly torn in two.

I shook my head a little and looked back at Edward. His eyes were flashing, but they weren’t consumed like they’d been before. I could see both sides of him somehow, like the human Edward was underneath those golden eyes. He was both. He was everything. I knew my eyes were tearing a little, but how often do you get everything all at once?

Edward wiped the tear from the corner of my eye, and I brought his finger to my lips and licked it off of him. He pulled my head to his and kissed me again, a long hard kiss, and I gradually settled down, until he was inside of me. We rocked against each other slowly, working so that I could gradually find my pace and figure out what felt right. He moved his hand to my bottom again, moving me in time with him. I held my arms around him, held his face in front of mine. His eyes glistened and glowed, his one hand gouged the headboard, and too soon, I felt a slow burn building inside of me. I moved faster, my breath came harder, and I tried to keep my eyes open to keep Edward focused. Edward must have seen something in my face. “It’s alright, Isabella, just let go,” he growled. And I did.

*****
A/N: Hope you all had a happy holiday, and have a safe & happy New Year! m
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Polar Night