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.Movies	By : keithcompany Category: Titles in the Public Domain > Gulliver's Travels Views: 2234 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, based on Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift. Any resemblance to person(s) living or dead is purely coincidental.

Chapter List
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"That," I spat out.
"Yeah, no, that's not me anymore."
"What?"
"I changed. It's not me." Uriah looked sincere. I really wanted to believe him. I glanced down the street. Barasano wasn't visibly chasing us down yet, but it wouldn't be long. Once Mama could speak comprehensibly, he would have to at least investigate her charges. I pushed Uriah into an alley and down it a ways. Ironically, we ended up behind a dumpster.
"Talk," I said, respectfully shoving him up against the wall of a stereo store.
"Okay, well, that thing you threw in the truck. Was that squeezed by your suspect?"
"Yes," I said.
"Was it squeezed by a left or right hand?"
"Left," I said. "And don't pretend you're not left-handed. I caught the last Lefties Day Parade." All of the Royals are lefties. It's part of their genetic heritage and they're proud of that sign of their right to rule. Oh. Heh, 'right' to rule. Too bad the pun doesn't translate.
Anyway, that was one of the first things I checked for, but without telling Spooky or Mary that there was one more line of evidence against His Highness. For his part, he didn't argue. "I'm a leftie, sure. But eight months ago, I punched a table."
"Okay," I said. I glanced out at the street. No sign of pursuit passing the alley. Yet.
"I was gambling. And, um, I won."
"You won, so you threw a tantrum?"
"Yeah, four of the guys folded, so I didn't win as much as I should have. I had a really, really good collection. One that would have actually won, not something that forced a pity-win out of everyone else."
"Ah. That must have been frustrating," I said with a nod.
"Yeah, so I broke my hand on the poker table."
"That's too bad," I said with sympathy.
He waved it off. "That wasn't so bad. But then, that night, Lady Jusjess came with me as I walked along home."
"Um, oldest daughter of Baron Pffezzgut?" I tried to remember. He nodded.
"Yeah. She told me that she was pregnant."
"You've created an heir? I hadn't heard. Congratulations." It was a bit of a logical leap, but a safe one. She wouldn't have mentioned that she was an unwed mother to the jackass prince if it wasn't his.
"Thanks. But…we weren't married."
"The King's been whining about the dwindling bloodline for six hundred years, that's not going to stop the cheering," I said. I wondered where this was going. Was his defense going to be that he couldn't be a serial killer, his wife wouldn't LET him?
I could just imagine that psycho from the movie in such a situation. 'It puts the lotion on its… No, dear! I wasn't serial killing! I was… organizing the basement!'
Uriah went on. "Yeah, well, at that moment, all I could think of was that if she was preggers, I couldn't sleep with any more women until after the engagement, the marriage, the honeymoon and the formal selection of royal concubines."
"Now THAT must have been frustrating," I said.
"I thought so!" he whined. Then he shook his head. "So, I went to slap her." And then he stopped talking. He stared, waiting for my reaction. So I thought it out.
The Royals have free reign, as I've mentioned. Usually, they respect their duties and they don't abuse their privileges. But that's up to them. If there was one person on the Isle that could get away with slapping his wife, girlfriend around, it would be the Prince. Our whole system is set up to protect and defer to the Heir…
"Wait a minute," I muttered. "She was carrying the Heir's heir, wasn't she?"
"Yes," he said, looking at the ground.
"So, the same Royalty Loyalty that protects you, ALSO protects that baby. And protects the woman carrying it. And for the first time in your life, you were in a fight where the opponent wasn't conditioned to lose."
"She kicked my ass," he said in a small voice. "Starting by further breaking the hand I was about to slap her with."
"Cool," I said.
"It, uh… It woke me up. I mean, she knocked me to the ground and the Guard swarmed up and grabbed her. And I thought, now she'll get it. Then she said, 'I'm pregnant!' And the Corporal of The Body gasped, 'And it's HIS?' And she said, 'Yes.' And he waved off the troops. And took a bow. And waved a hand at me, like setting the hounds on a fox, you know?"
"I can see it clearly, Uriah," I said cheerfully.
"Yeah. And he said, 'Sorry to trouble you, madam.' And handed her his riding crop."
"You appear to have healed up nicely," I said.
"Oh, outside, yeah. But inside… They just STOOD there, Peter! They wouldn't lift a hand against me, but they sure as hell didn't stop her."
"No, they wouldn't."
"Then… Then… Then when she was done, they formed up and marched HER to the Castle. I was left alone. To limp home. Or bleed to death. Or jump off of a bridge into the Quiol." I stood silently. I couldn't wait to find out which had happened. "I was alone with my thoughts," he said and stared across the alley for a moment.
"That must have been the most frightening part," I guessed. He nodded.
He was rubbing his left hand. "The, uh, the wounds never really healed. Not the hand, not the ego. I changed, Peter. I mean it, really. I apologized to her in front of the full Court, then to the Crown, then to the entire Court.
"I set about adopting my real duties, understanding them, and showing people that I could meet them." He waved around us. "I want to get a good grip on our presence here. I have to go home for the wedding in a few weeks, and I want to be there, you know? For her. For the kid. So I want to understand this, so I can be useful even as far away as home."
I stared. After a moment or two, I asked, "How does a riding crop feel?"
"It's flexible," he said instantly. "So it doesn't break any bones that aren't already broken, but the end rolls around your bones. So it'll slap more of your skin than you're expecting, and leave long bruises."
"Okay," I said. "I really want to believe you. If you couldn't do it, then you didn't do it. But… But we'll have to convince everyone."
"Even the little old axe lady?" he asked, flinching. I flinched, too.
"No, if you're innocent, she's reacting to something different. And it means that the fuckwit in my fortune is someone else. No, we'll figure that out, once we get everyone else on your side. Come on."
"What?" he asked. I was striding out of the alley, headed for home. He skipped a couple of steps to catch me up.
"Compurgation," I said. He stopped with a gasp.
"Can't I just have trial by combat?" he called. I didn't reply and he ran to catch up. "And where will we find my equal?"
----------
Mary was in the Dorm, watching TV when we walked in. "Where're the elves?" I asked.
"They got some call from Spooky. She needed an emergency lift home because someone's harboring a felon," she said, staring at Uriah. I made the introductions.
"I can see where you would think that I'm a felon," he replied. "But I'm innocent."
Mary glanced at me. I made sure to stand between her and the Prince. Not that I thought she was in danger, I just wanted her not to feel threatened. I knelt by the bed and gestured for His Highness to do the same. "Mary, we need your help," I said. "I want you do judge Uriah in a Trial by Compurgation."
"A what?"
"We have a traditional defense for people who are accused of certain crimes. Crimes without evidence."
"Like abduction, murder, that sort of thing?" she asked with a certain tone.
"No, those have evidence, of course, but we don't have any evidence we can use right now, and we can't make any progress unless we get this straight. So I'd like to try it. With your permission."
"Okay," she shrugged. "For you, anyway. What do I do?"
"Compurgation is when the accused convinces a jury of his innocence."
"Sounds like a trial," she pointed out.
"But, rather than impanel witnesses, or have lawyer speeches or car chases-"
"Um, those aren't typically part of a trial," she said. I looked at her doubtfully. "Oh, yeah, well, every human trial YOU'VE seen, I guess."
"Anyway, we just have the accused-"
"Me," Uriah said.
"And the jury."
"Don't we need eleven more people?"
"No. We go by a system of graduated peers. If a farmer is accused, he has to convince 1 farmer, or a jury of 10 tenant farmers, or 100 slaves."
"He's not a farmer," she said, pointing at Uriah.
"No, for higher castes, such as a Royal, then he would convince one other Royal, or five nobles, or ten knights, or 100 guards…"
"So…" She paced a bit closer across the blankets, looking up into my eyes. "How many humans does it take to equal a giant prince?"
I waved that away. "No, no. See, I told you what he was like before."
"You did?" Uriah asked. "What did you say about me?"
"Asshole," Mary said. "Fuckwit, if I recall correctly."
"Ah," he accepted.
"Well, he says he nearly slapped the woman who carried his child and the results of that event turned his life around." Her eyes went to tiny slits, though the fire that flashed in them was still clear. "I figure if an abused wife buys his story, you'll satisfy our legal system. "Then we just have to convince the Lilliputians, and any humans that get involved. But at least there won't be any doubt on the Brobdingrags' side."
"She was….?" Uriah started to ask. Her head spun around towards him like a hunter who hears a twig snap. "I, uh… Well. I guess. Yes. Yes, I think the King himself would take her judgment in this matter." He bowed down a bit, trying to look Mary in the eye. He flinched at what he saw there, but didn't look away. "Well, a few months ago, I was gambling-"
"First," Mary ordered, "tell me how you met the mother of your child."
"Oh, yes of course," he said. "Well, Mummsy has been trying to marry me off for the last ninety years…"
He told her much the same story I'd heard. More details about his fiancé came out, and he spoke more about their reconciliation. Lots of details on how his thoughts ran, the realizations, the understanding, the suicide thoughts. Mary listened without much of a reaction. "And that's it," he finished. "I swear, I did not sneak around and take or hurt anyone. I couldn't have crushed that dumpster if I wanted to. But more importantly, that's exactly the behavior I'm trying to live down before my kid's born.
"If there's a giant kidnapper or killer out there, it's not me." Then he waited patiently.
"I'll consider your testimony," Mary said. Then she just stood there, staring at him. Uriah swallowed loudly and rose to walk out of the room. He was surprised to find a crowd of elves in the hallway ready to escort him to the living room. Spooky came in, hopping up onto the bed and shrinking to land lightly beside Mary.
"I want to believe him," the jury said. "But I'd want some confirmation from back in your kingdom. Can we do that?"
"No," I said. "The whole thing depends on whether you believe him or not."
"That's SO weird," Spooky snorted. "Back home, we'd have put him through a trial by ordeal."
I smiled and picked both women up in my hands. "What do you think I just DID?"
-------
They'd been filming the whole thing, of course. Even the little conversation when we'd been 'alone' in the alley. The walls really do have tiny ears. They also filmed Mary formally accepting Uriah's claims of innocence, and Spooky's recommendation that Lilliput abide by the results of the Compurgation. She didn't even roll her eyes when she referred to it.
Copies of all films were sent home to Lilliput and couriered over to my own headquarters.
Uriah was cleared on all charges. Despite the legal niceties, though, the Crown would continue to investigate, just to be sure. Compurgation was still on the books as a legal trial, but the Watch, the Guard and the Queen were becoming rather fond of evidence they could put in a box. Rumor also had it that the Queen was rather smitten by a certain CSI technician she'd seen on DVD's smuggled out of human lands.
"But now, the question is, why did the axe lady want to murder me?"
"Yes. I suggest we go find out without you," I said.
"I'm remarkably okay with that," he said. So I walked back down to Winnie's to ask Mama about Uriah's fortune and what made her go nuclear on him.
Spooky tagged along again, this time at her full size. "Isn't that going to make you more of a target?" I asked.
"No. If the axe comes out again, I want to be able to take BIG steps as I run out the door."
"Yeah!" someone shouted. I looked close. Mary waved from Spooky's shirt pocket.
"What are you doing, here?"
"I wanted to see-" Mary started to explain.
"I figured, she has Uriah's life in her hands," Spooky said. "If we learn anything that might change her mind, she has a right to know."
"The trial's OVER," I said. "She can't go back and change her mind."
"Not legally," Spooky said. "But if she DOES say that she thinks Uriah's a freak, creep or skazz, he'll have to leave the country at least."
"A point," I nodded. Then we were there.
We stepped inside. Things were calmer. Mama sat in a chair between Barasano, who stood with a hand on her shoulder, and Winnie, who knelt by her. We walked over. "Hey," I said with a little wave. Winnie turned, Bill nodded. "Anyone figure out what the commotion was?"
Mama's head came up and she looked at my face. "There's another one!" she screeched. She spun and reached for Bill's gun in the holster. Bill slapped her hands away from his gun, Winnie screamed and tried to tug Mama away from her boyfriend. Spooky turned and ran.
Sometimes, I really wish we could hear the musical score, right? It'd really help to know if they're playing violins or slide-whistles in the background. I sighed. "I hadn't realized that we were doing farce tonight."
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