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The Newborn
By : belladonnacullen
Category: Twilight Series > Het
Views: 3452 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.
Chapter List
- 10
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- 12
EPOV
We closed up the house and set out for an undecided location to the north as quickly as possible. Esme and Carlisle had been in Bronxville for eight years, and could waste no time in moving on. If anything happened to them due to my absence I wouldn't be able to live with myself. As it was, living with myself was proving to be a daily challenge.
But it was a challenge I pushed to the back of my mind. My own mental health was something that in all likelihood couldn't be fixed, no matter what the emerging psychoanalysts of the day might say. The more pressing issue was what I had wrought on my family; the only beings in the world that cared to love me. I couldn't live without their love, and I was in their debt for taking me back. I certainly didn't deserve their acceptance. I wouldn't hurt them anymore.
So I concentrated on my family foremost. Esme longed to see me happy. I remembered how happy looked, and forced myself to smile. I did my best to stop myself from flinching when she touched me or looked into my eyes. Facing her was the most difficult thing I forced myself to do, because I wasn't certain how well I could hide the evil in my eyes. It wasn't only their color that gave me away. I hadn't looked at myself in well over a year, and there was a reason for that. They gave me away.
Every day Esme warmed me with her love, and I bore it with pain. It was wrong to let her love me, a monster in their midst. But as the days wore into weeks I saw Esme grow brighter with my presence. I had to constantly stop myself from telling her that she was wrong. I was nothing to celebrate.
Carlisle's pride in my return left me ashamed. I knew myself too well to believe there was anything within me worthy of that man's good will. I didn't want to Carlisle to feel he was wrong when he decided to take me thirteen years ago, but I had my doubts. I could never aspire to be like him.
Simply put, I knew that I needed Carlisle and Esme, and that against all odds, my presence brought them a measure of peace. I was determined to make it as right for them as possible.
*
We followed the Hudson north to the Mohawk River, and then moved into the Finger Lakes region. We had no plans. Carlisle had no job lined up. We were looking for something elusive, a fresh start.
One night a month into our trip, Carlisle and Esme left me on the banks of Conesus Lake to hunt. They ran into the night, following the Genesee River north. I wouldn't join them in search of prey. In the weeks following my return, I hunted in fear of myself. The darkness was only barely held at bay, the bloodlust within me had multiplied exponentially. It was a measure of what had been lost, and I wouldn't let them witness it if I failed.
Autumn came early at this latitude, and brown leaves fell about me as I sat on the bank of the river. I fell into vampiric stillness and let the 'happy' fall from my face. I let go of all pretenses and was glad for the reprieve. I let the night pass over and around me. Leaves drifted downward and littered my legs and fell in my hair. A chill breeze blew across my face and found its way through the fabric of my clothing. I could smell a small herd of white tailed deer to the northwest. The scent made my stomach turn uneasily and elicited only a small trickle of venom. My mind conjured pictures of humans before me and then the venom flowed.
I buried my head in my hands and tried to block it out. I heard two sets of whisper soft footsteps approaching silently. I heard their thoughts before I could pick up their scent.
"Edward!" Esme called silently. "You must come. We've found it."
I was on my feet. They were back too soon. Esme ran to me and grabbed my hand, smiling. Her eyes were still black; she hadn't fed. Carlisle waited for us on a rise.
"Found what?"
"Come see Rochester."
Even after nightfall, Rochester was a bustling little city. It was nestled between the Erie Canal and Lake Ontario. Carlisle explained that The University of Rochester had recently expanded its campus, and had added a music school, a dental school and a medical school. The Eastmans were city benefactors, paving the way for new libraries and theaters. Despite the depression that held many cities in its grip, his largess helped Rochester's local newspapers, flourmills, and breweries keep their doors open and many in their employ.
I bore the sights of the city stoically. I wasn't sure that I could live among humans. Esme's eyes were on me, and I attempted a smile. My throat burned as the rich scent of human blood coursed through the bodies of the innocents around me.
"This isn't the best part, Edward," Esme explained patiently. Again she took my hand, and we walked at a human's pace, heading north through the city streets. I kept my eyes on the ground, swallowing venom with each step. The downtown faded behind us, and finally the grasp of the city with its coal smoke and hot human blood loosened its grip as well. Dawn's light brightened the air as we walked on.
I could hear it before I saw it: the sound of small waves lapping at a flat shore, and the scrape of course sand. The trees grew small and sparse, and the grass bent to the ground under the force of a damp wind. Our feet made little noise treading over the fallen leaves. And then before us was a gray-blue expanse of water that met the horizon. Lake Ontario. Something stirred deep within myself. A quick blurry picture appeared in my mind's eye. A small bronze headed boy gazed out at sailboats on an endless gray-blue lake. Fluffy white clouds rolled through the turquoise sky, and a cool gust of wind blew a cap off the boy's head. The cap tumbled through the air, along with twirling orange autumn leaves. A pair of strong, slender hands caught the cap, and the boy raised his head to see the smiling face of his-
The image was gone in the space of a second. I closed my eyes tight and breathed the cool damp air. I felt Esme's eyes on me.
"Carlisle, Edward has decided it. We'll stay here. Let's find a house outside of Rochester on Lake Ontario."
*
This time of year it was relatively simple to find an unwanted vacation home in the wilds of Irondequoit near the lake. Esme's eyes sparkled as she dreamed of grand alterations for the old place. Carlisle slipped into a position at Strong Memorial Hospital, and Esme even began taking free architectural classes offered in the evenings by the Rochester Athenaeum and Mechanics Institute. I agreed to enroll at the University of Rochester, but the spring semester was over two months off. I spent many hours at the lakeshore, in an attempt to recover more memories from my fleeting humanity. I replayed the memory of Lake Michigan in the fall over and over again, hoping to hold on long enough to see Elizabeth Masen's face. My mother. What would she think if she knew me now? Would she shrink away in fear?
While the memory of her face was a fleeting shadow, the values she imparted in me had been woven into the fabric of who I was. But I'd pretended to ignore them. Even before I left Carlisle and Esme, I had plunged myself into a world full of darkness and immorality. I had been vain. I enjoyed seeing the looks of humans as they snuck glances of Tanya and I as we were seated. I enjoyed their thoughts as they coveted one or the other of us. I could see where I'd gone wrong.
On the banks of Lake Ontario I vowed anew to try to live up to my human mother's sense of right and wrong. I'd be the gentleman that she raised me to be, albeit one that thirsted for the blood of humans, and that committed one hundred and eight murders over the course of four and a half years. I had much to atone for. I had a long time to get it right.
I was lost in thought and hidden among a cluster of white cedars when Carlisle broke my reverie.
"So this is where you disappear to?" There was no need for me to answer. "Do you mind if I join you?"
"No." I looked away. It was still difficult to be alone with Carlisle. We'd spent the better part of three years together, but I couldn't bear how much I'd let him down. It was easier to escape, or to hide behind Esme's presence.
"I want you to know that you can come to me with anything."
"Thank you," I replied, knowing full well that I wouldn't do any such thing.
"You pass a great deal of time out here, alone."
"Yes."
"Son, what can we do for you?"
"You've done too much already. Anything else would hurt more than help."
"Edward, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Do you understand that?"
"No, I don't understand. After everything that I put you through, after the way I hurt and betrayed you, considering what I've done."
"It means more to me that you wanted to return. I have more respect for that than if you went along with my ideals against your better judgment."
"But have I returned? I don't think you know what turned up on your doorstep, Carlisle."
"I do. It was my son, Edward. The same intelligent boy that brought me out of isolation and brightened my days for the first time in over two hundred years."
"Carlisle, you saved that boy for as long as you could, but I made quick work of ruining him."
"Edward, it takes time. All of us need time. I hope that this place can heal us. The lake here is special to you, I can see that. You and Esme both spent human years along a northern lake. This may be good for your soul. This city offers each of us something, work, music, school. We can be a family again, be made whole."
"I appreciate your effort more than you know, father. But I'm afraid that if there was any chance of my having a soul, I've irrevocably destroyed it. This lifestyle kept something human alive in me. But I lost that, I had to, when I killed those humans. In order to hold on to sanity I had to release my humanity. How does one re-learn being human? It would be a charade."
Carlisle's intense golden eyes pierced the misty December air. His lips were pursed, his hands folded in front of him.
"It wasn't my intention to worry you. I'm sorry, Carlisle. I didn't return to bring you more pain. I'll work harder at this. I'll make you proud."
Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder. I trembled only slightly at his touch and counted this as a victory of sorts.
"Perhaps you need to get out more. All of this time alone with yourself. I know you boy. You can drive yourself mad with your own thoughts."
I grinned despite myself.
"You see? Some things don't change." Carlisle smiled back at me. "The hospital is holding a fund raising gala for the winter holidays. As the newest senior staff member, they would like my family to be in attendance. As you can imagine, they are very curious. It would be a great help to me if you would be there. You may enjoy it, I hear there will be music."
I felt chilled to the bone. I knew I'd do this for Carlisle, but I feared for the people at this event, and for Carlisle's future if my willpower didn't hold. "Of course, Carlisle. If you want me there, I'll certainly attend." I attempted to smile in his direction. It felt hollow on my face.
*
I'd never been to the hospital before. It was a very grand structure, only five years old. It was commissioned under the auspices of bringing the most modern medical sciences to the common man. Carlisle, with his twin passions in afterlife being modern medical science and the common man, was quite in love with his work there.
The lobby was stately by hospital standards. It had high ceilings lit with chandeliers, mahogany walls, a large fireplace, and floor to ceiling windows that let in what little light there was in December this far to the north. It had been decorated with red and green baubles, holly was wrapped around banisters and anything remotely cylindrical, and candles twinkled on a large fir tree in the corner of the room. A small male played bland music on a stand up piano in the corner.
All of Rochester society was obviously squeezed into the room. The humans held themselves with importance. The hospital counted on donors to keep its doors open, and those assembled here clearly thought themselves superior for the part they played in it. Women were draped in rich velvets and lace, and the men wore suits in dark rich fabrics that showed that there was no need for them to scrimp on cloth. Mr. Eastman held court in the corner, huddled uncomfortably in a wheelchair, with an expression on his face that was equal part pride and pain. Carlisle had mentioned to me that he'd been treating the man for a malady of the spinal column.
I kept myself close to Esme and Carlisle and we stood intentionally on the sidelines. I pressed my back and hands against the cool wall, my eyes toward the ground. However, the hospital's CMO seemed to think that a look at the new cosmopolitan doctor from New York City might secure more funding from his donors. He saw fit to send a phalanx of Rochester's wealthiest women our way, and they towed their husbands along behind them. I kept my breathing shallow as humans crowded in on us. They kept a few feet of cautious distance, all the while gazing at us in a somewhat stunned and curious manner.
The thoughts of these humans were all of a similar vein. I was more concerned with holding myself in place, and smiling and nodding at the appropriate moments.
"My, that new doctor and his family are stunning."
"His wife and her brother aren't seen much about town. I'll invite them to the country club. And maybe I'll get them a seat in the adjoining box at the opera."
"If everyone in New York City looks like that, I'm telling Lucian that we must move immediately."
"I'm changing doctors. I want mine to look like him."
"I hear the doctor works nights. I wonder if I could keep his wife occupied?"
"How old do you think that boy is? Is the doctor's brother-in-law a bachelor?"
I stood amidst the din of thoughts and the murmur of voices with my jaw clenched and my hands balled behind my back. With each shallow breath, fire consumed my throat and venom coated my mouth. But among the clatter of thoughts, I must say that there was one voice that stood out from the rest and distracted me from myself.
"I hate them. Each is more perfect than the rest. I'm just going to pretend that I never saw them. They don't come out much, thank God. People would forget about me if they did." I couldn't keep the smirk from my face and cast my eyes about to see whom that voice might come from. It didn't take me long to find the owner of the thoughts.
"Royce, I said no," The voice hissed out loud. Only a vampire would have heard the whispered entreaty.
"But Rose darling, I want to show you off. I'm sure there is no one finer than you in the entirety of New York City."
"Please, I don't want to meet them." Then she continued silently, "Because they're the only people I've ever seen that put me to shame."
"Darling, you're coming with me. Now be good." A pale man with thin blond hair towed a tall blonde woman in our direction, his hand holding her elbow in a vice-like grip. "Dr. Cullen, Mrs. Cullen, it's so lovely to finally make your acquaintance. My name is Royce King the third. You might know my father from the board of directors."
Carlisle nodded politely. "How do you do, Mr. King?"
"I'd like to present to you my fiance, Rosalie Hale." The man pushed his fiancee forward like he was showing off a prized possession.
Rosalie stared at the three of us defiantly as her fiance and Carlisle exchanged pleasantries. When her blue eyes fell on me she smiled, shook her long blonde hair and stood a little taller. "Take that," she thought. I didn't know what exactly she wanted me to take. I managed a weak grin in her direction.
My reaction appeared to make her angry. "He thinks he's too good for me? I'm Rosalie Hale, and this is my fiance."
But even as she said this, she threw her chest out and batted her eyelashes in my direction. I was mildly disturbed by the couple and checked my watch. There was at least another hour of this to go.
Rose tugged at Royce's elbow. "Dear, there are many other hospital employees that we should visit with."
"These people are intolerable. I hope to never see them again."
"What a beautiful girl." Esme murmured to Carlisle. I couldn't help but chuckle.
****************************************************************************************** A/N: It's always difficult on this site writing from EPOV. I can't italicize the type for some reason. So it may get confusing about what dialogue is thought, and what is spoken out loud. My apologies. Thank you, thank you to Luthien for the very best review of my very short writing "career". It made my week! I read your honeymoon fic and thought it was awesome btw. I left a review. And thank you to Gaps of Misery and Zynda for reading as well. Often no sex = no readers, and I appreciate your support. If anyone else out there reads my stuff, please let me know! Even if you think it's awful. It can be lonely with no reviews. Marie
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The Newborn	By : belladonnacullen Category: Twilight Series > Het Views: 3452 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

The Newborn