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The Practice of Love	By : belladonnacullen Category: Twilight Series > AU/AR > Het > Het Views: 2642 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
EPOV
I didn’t know shit about beer. And the fact that I was wandering through the aisles of a Jersey beer distributor shopping for Jacob Black was the measure of something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Tourists and transplants always had shit to say about Pennsylvania’s liquor laws. But it wasn’t that fucking hard: walk to a corner store or find a pizza place, buy beer. Idiots. Bella had asked me to bring something you could only find out of state, but I hadn’t had a fucking drink in nineteen years, and back then I was drinking cans of piss. I repeat: I didn’t know shit about beer.

“This one!” Alice decided, shoving a six-pack of Deschutes Twilight Ale in my face. “It’s from the Northwest.”

“Is Jacob from the Northwest?”

“How would I know? But Bella is,” she said with a wink, turning on her heels and walking towards the register.

In that moment, I had one of those flashes where I wished I wasn’t broken. Jacob Black could sit outside on a summer night and have a beer with Bella like a normal boyfriend, and he could have an argument with her, and then he could make up with her and take her in his arms and kiss her. And then he could leave her sitting on the edge of a fountain without looking back, because he’d be seeing her later that night, and every night for the immediate future.

Asshole.

I’d like to think that I wouldn’t have left her like that.

“Edward, we’re going to be late.”

“I thought you said your lunch with Bella on Monday had nothing to do with me.”

“It didn’t,” Alice said without looking back.

“And you’re coming today, because?”

“Because Bella invited me. Please. Everything I do doesn’t revolve around you, big brother.”

“Keep telling yourself that, little sis.”

Of course, anyone that’s been through high school or college could figure out why Bella invited Alice: if you invite your friends along, then it’s not a date. Bella had already made herself perfectly clear. She’d said to my face that this lunch was a bad idea. Yet here I was, going anyway, and bringing beer for her boyfriend: more fucking proof of my vaginal balls.

“Will it make you feel better if I buy the beer?” Alice asked with a roll of her eyes, as I place the six-pack on the checkout counter.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Alice shrugged and went to pull her wallet out of her purse.

“I can get the goddamned beer, Alice.”

The guy at the register looked back and forth between Alice and me. “One of you’s gonna have to pay sixteen ninety-nine,” he huffed, eyeing the line forming behind us. I handed the man a twenty.

“Jacob’s going to love it. I know it.” Alice flashed a playful smile my way, and gave the guy at the register a little wave good-bye.

“Well, thank fucking Christ for that,” I muttered sarcastically.

“Play nice, big brother. This is a business meeting, for both of us. Be on your best behavior and all, or I’ll tell mom.”

“You’ll tell her that we were buying little boys beer in New fucking Jersey?”

“Seriously, watch your mouth today, Edward. Try being nice for a change. He’s your client’s boyfriend.”

I sighed and slid into the car. “You think I can just change to suit the situation? Bella hired me, and my mouth. And she’s my client, not him; I don’t owe the little boy anything.”

“You’ve already changed, you numbskull. And you’re wrong about the boyfriend. You owe him plenty.”

“Not enough to start using words like numbskull.”

“Example number one,” Alice continued, ignoring me. “When was the last time you showed up at a client’s home with beer?”

“She asked to meet at her house, and to bring beer.”

“Example number two: You’ve got a new, little pink iPod,” Alice giggled, picking up the iPod Nano from the dash and dangling it in my face.

“That’s not mine.” I couldn’t help laughing a little.

“Whose is it?” Alice asked scrolling through the playlist, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye.

“It’s for her daughter.”

“And you made this mix for her?”

“For Vanessa,” I clarified, too self-conscious to call her Little Bell in front of Alice. “There’s no swearing.”

“Uh huh, sure,” Alice said, scrolling through the display with more interest. “Are you going to bill Bella for this?”

“Goddamn it, Alice, if you think this lunch is unethical, just fucking come out and say it.”

“You’re nervous.”

“I’m getting angry.”

“You’re cute when you’re nervous.”

“You’re annoying,” I growled.

“I know.”

Alice popped Little Bell’s iPod into the dock, and we fell into silence listening to Classic Girl. Alice turned up the volume, and I rolled down the windows as we crossed the Delaware back into Philly, the tops of buildings obscured by a blanket of heavy summertime haze.

The streets narrowed the farther South we travelled, and the neat sidewalks were dotted with newly planted cherry and maple trees. A pack of kids road by on their bikes, couples walked dogs and pushed strollers holding cups of coffee, people milled outside of a café waiting to sit down for brunch.

“It’s young family-ish,” Alice observed.

“I haven’t been over here since I was a kid. It’s changed.”

“So has Em’s neighborhood. Is it strange living there, you know, since --?”

“I spent last Saturday in Clark Park. Instead of dealers, there was a farmer’s market.” I glanced over at Alice and she was looking at me with concern, biting the inside of her cheek.

“I’m fine. It doesn’t bother me. It was another lifetime ago.”

“How long are you going to stay there?”

“You probably know better than I do,” I laughed.

“You can stay with me too, you know. I’ve already got your piano, and the rest of your stuff. I’m just a girl, living all alone in this big city. I could use the protection of a big, strong man.”

I was the one to roll my eyes this time. Alice had been living on her own since she was eighteen.

“I’m just saying, you’re welcome at my place too.”

“Thanks, but I don’t want come between you and T.”

“She hasn’t even called, at least not since that first night. I guess she didn’t like what I had to say about things.”

I bit my lip, and stared out the window hard. Alice and Tanya were friends, and friends talked when their relationships ended. I’d expected them to talk. But I didn’t want to think that Alice had said anything in my defense, because there was no defense for what I’d done.

“Don’t fuck up your friendship over me, Alice, just because we’re family. I was wrong on this one.”

“She thinks it isn’t over, because she says its not,” Alice said very quietly.

“Fuck,” I mumbled.

“It’s good that you ended it, Edward. You know that, right?”

I didn’t reply. Tanya and I hadn’t been happy together. But I’d just thrown what I’d been calling my life out the fucking window, and these days, from what I’d heard, Tanya was living on Kate’s couch, not bothering to shower. Was our old pretend life worse than having no life at all?

And here I was having a pretend date and quasi business lunch with a client, at their house, and bringing their daughter a gift. It went against basic ethical guidelines, but I was doing it anyway. In fact, there was little that could have kept me away. How was I supposed to answer Alice’s question?

“It’ll get better. You guys were together a long time. It’s hard at first,” Alice said. I could feel her eyes boring into the side of my head.

“And how would you fucking know?”

“Just because I’ve never had a serious relationship, doesn’t mean I haven’t seen other people have them. I don’t live in isolation, like some people I know.”

“Alice --”

“I think it’s a very good thing that you’re hanging out with an actual group of people on a Saturday, and that most of them aren’t your clients. I like that you have a tiny pink iPod, and that you’re going to steal Nessie’s little heart when you give it to her. It’s sweet. I always knew you were sweet.”

“Shut up, Alice.” But I couldn’t muster much animosity. I was thinking about Bella and how I’d told her at the barbecue that I could do something sweet. I hadn’t necessarily been thinking about getting an iPod and making a mix for Little Bell when I’d said that. This was definitely a more PG version of my comment.

“And, another way you’ve changed: You smile more,” Alice commented.

I hadn’t realized I’d been smiling.

Bella’s house was a neat and narrow three-story brick row house, with flower boxes in the windows and a bright stained glass panel over the front door. It was pretty and unassuming, like her. Alice ran ahead of me to knock at the door, and then waited on the sidewalk, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “This is so exciting,” she said under her breath.

It’s embarrassing, but the fact of the matter was that is was exciting. It had been five long days, and I couldn’t wait to see Bella’s face again. I fiddled with the iPod and the little folded piece of paper in my back pocket, as I tried to ignore the pleasant sense of unease in my gut. Heavy footsteps echoed inside the house, but instead of Jacob Black, a tall guy with spiky blonde hair and a beer belly pulled open the door.

“Phillies or Mariners?” he asked, pointing between Alice and me, with a big grin on his face.

“Phillies?” Alice answered, more like a question than a conviction.

“All right!” He bounded down the steps and onto the sidewalk to give Alice a high five. “I’m Mike, and you,” he said, pointing at Alice, “you can come in!”

Alice giggled and raised her eyebrows in my direction. She knew I didn’t give a shit about baseball, and I’m sure she couldn’t wait to see if I’d say anything. I didn’t.

“I’m Alice, and that’s Edward,” Alice said to fill the silence.

“Nice to meet ya’, buddy,” Mike said, holding out his freckled hand for me to shake. “Bella works with you guys, or something, right?”

“Almost,” Alice answered. “My dad.”

“Oh. Anyway, come on in. Bella’s getting Jonah and Nessie settled with a movie downstairs, and Jake’s out back startin’ up the grill.”

I couldn’t wait to get a look at Bella’s home, but a slim blonde popped into the entryway as soon as Alice and I walked up the steps. She had on a Phillies T-shirt and tight jeans that rode too high on her waist, and her hair was tied back from her face in a messy knot.

“Hi!” she said brightly, giving an awkward little wave. “I guess you’re Alice and Edward. I’m Jess. Mike and I live next door.”

I glanced around her, taking in the neat lines and comfortable furniture, the gray-blue walls, the deep green area rug over dark hardwood flooring, and the little toys strewn around the room haphazardly.

“Every year Jess and I battle it out with Jacob and Bella. You know, Phillies versus Mariners,” Mike explained.

Every year. How long had Bella and Jacob lived here, together, for fuck’s sake?

“Right,” I managed. “Nice to meet you.” I shook Jess’ hand and her cheeks blushed pink. I felt lost as I walked inside. I had a folder of legal paperwork in a messenger bag slung over my shoulder, a six-pack of beer in my hand that no one had offered to take, a small pink iPod and a prescription for happiness in my back pocket, and Bella’s neighbors were trying to make small talk about baseball. Alice rubbed my shoulder in a gesture of comfort.

“What the hell is that?” Mike asked, pointing to the beer in my hands.

I held it out for him to see. “Beer?”

“Twilight?” he laughed. “What the hell kind of beer is Twilight?”

“It’s from Oregon,” Bella answered.

I looked past Jess to see Bella at the top of the basement stairs. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, but a few tendrils hung loose, framing her face. She was wearing a pair of cut-off khakis and an olive green tank top that accentuated her golden tan. Her bra straps were navy blue.

“That was thoughtful. Thanks,” she said in a soft voice, smiling at me. I had to remind myself that I wasn’t here to fuck her; I was here as her lawyer.

I shook my head a little. “No, it was --”

“All Edward’s idea,” Alice broke in. “I love your home, Bella. It’s perfect.”

“You’ve hardly seen it,” she laughed.

“I can already tell.”

“I could take those from you,” Bella offered, glancing at my hand and the beer I was holding. She walked towards me almost tentatively, like she was scared, and I couldn’t help thinking that her instincts were right on the money. She should have been frightened. Because standing across from Bella, my eyes darting over her bare arms and legs, her bare feet, watching her walk towards me, holy fucking shit, my intentions were murky, even to myself.

But she simply took the beer from my hands, and turned to walk towards the kitchen.

“Do you want one?” she asked, looking over her shoulder at me.

“I don’t drink.”

“Oh. Can I get you something else then?” she called from the kitchen. “We have lemonade and um, orange juice and milk, I think.”

“Water?”

“Sure.”

Alice gave me an inconspicuous shove towards the kitchen and I resisted the urge to kick her in the shin. I wandered past a sideboard full of individual pieces of pottery, and a big butcher-block style dining room table. Over the table was a painting of evergreens done in shades of white, black and gray. They towered luminously over a dark, watery landscape. But for some reason, my eyes were drawn to one of the corners of the canvas. I moved in closer to the painting, and noticed that there was a tiny little person in the corner, with their head bent over a book.

“It’s good, isn’t it?” Bella asked, coming to stand besides me.

“I didn’t even see the kid, my eyes were drawn there before I knew what I was looking at,” I said, glancing at her quickly, catching a glimpse of the curve of her ear, the slope of her shoulder, before looking back at the painting.

“It’s me.”

“What?”

“Jake had his friend Leah paint it for my birthday. It’s from a picture of me out behind my dad’s house, in Washington.”

“That was your backyard?” It was the kind of information that made you wonder why the hell people moved to Philadelphia in the first place.

“Kind of. Just the woods out back. I was reading. I was always reading. She’s good, isn’t she?”

“Who?”

“The artist, Leah Clearwater. She moved out here a couple years ago to go to art school. Sometimes she babysits for Ness.” Bella took a couple steps closer to the painting, so that her back was to me. Her shorts hung on her hips and I could almost hear their frayed edges brushing against her thighs as she shifted her weight from one leg to the other. She was all long lines and subtle curves, her limbs thin yet toned, her movements assured but graceful.

“I think Jake asked her to paint this so that my old life in Washington was always here with me, but instead, it almost helped turn it into a fairytale. How could something like this have been real?” I didn’t know how to answer, so I took a step closer to Bella and the painting, close enough so that I could just smell the flowers in her hair, on her skin.

“This might sound weird,” she continued, “but sometimes it’s even hard to think of this life in Philadelphia as real. Like I’m pretending to be an adult and a mom and to own a home; that my real life will start any second now.”

Bella turned around abruptly and gasped, she hadn’t heard me come closer, I guess. She held out a glass of water to me, wet with condensation. In my mind, I played out my own little fairytale: I ran my finger over the damp glass, collecting its moisture, before brushing my fingertip along Bella’s collarbone, then down her arm, over her hand, ending on her thigh; watching the water bead, watching goose bumps form. From there I could reach under the edge of her shorts…

Instead, I settled on brushing my fingers against hers as I took the glass from her, surprised to feel a jolt of electricity the moment we touched. If it were winter, I would have blamed the feeling on static, but on a hot August afternoon it could have only been the way my body reacted to hers every time we touched.

Bella jumped and pulled away, and the glass almost fell, but I grabbed it with my other hand.

“Those reflexes,” she mumbled, looking up into my eyes. “Always catching me.”

I felt obligated to take a sip of water, but I didn’t want to take my eyes off her. I knew what she meant about life not seeming real. It turns out I’d pretended at a relationship for five years. And even though being here in her house meant that I was pretending again with Bella, it felt more real than anything I’d done since I was a kid.

Bella smiled a little and looked around, tapping her fingers against her hip.

“Mariners fan?” I asked, trying desperately for small talk.

“By default.” She shrugged and nodded towards the backyard, where I presumed Jacob was at the grill. “And my dad and his friend Billy have watched or listened to every game, ever, I think. I never had a chance.”

We fell into silence again, and I tried not to look at her chest. Not her tits, but the gently sloping space above then, where I’d be able to lay my forehead against the sweep of her collarbone and listen to her heart. My eyes were kind of desperately drawn there, but I knew it would look like I was checking out her tits. I looked back at the picture instead, trying to fill in the colors, to bring the image back into real life.

“You should put your bag down,” Bella suggested.

“I have paperwork in here, for you.”

“Oh, right. I wasn’t thinking about work, at all.” There was a flash of something in Bella’s eyes; panic, I think. “Should we get started right now? Jake could finish up the food. You’re probably busy. I don’t want to take up all of your time or anything.”

“No, I, uh… was just wondering if there was somewhere out of the way I could put it down. Somewhere Nessie won’t get into it? I don’t have anything else to do,” I lied, trying to forget the mountain of paperwork that I needed to sign off on for PLAHT’s upcoming fundraiser. “There’s nothing else I’d rather do,” I quickly corrected myself. I was tired of lying.

Bella smiled at her toes before glancing back in my general direction. “The office, upstairs, maybe? No one will be in there.” She began walking towards the stairs. “I could --”

“Hey, Bells?” Jacob called from the backyard. “Could you bring out whatever that crap is you wanted me to grill?” Bella stopped and we both looked out towards the back door, but only a thin gray charcoal cloud was visible.

“I’ll be right there,” Bella answered. “I’m sorry, Edward. Could you bring it up yourself? It’s on the second floor, at the front of the house.”

“Sure.”

At the top of the stairs, I peeked into Nessie’s room. It was all purplish-pink, and cluttered with a hodge-podge of Disney characters, baby dolls, a toy tool kit, a rickety-looking bookshelf, and a big bug beanbag. It was messy and there was no rhyme or reason to the decoration, and I’m sure my aunt Esme would have had a heart attack had she seen it. But it fit Nessie’s personality perfectly, and I caught a glimmer of what Alice was going for with her new kid’s line.

The middle room was a bathroom. It had old-fashioned fixtures and a claw-footed tub, but it looked somehow modern, all white tiled and bright and clean, with green leafy plants and pale yellow hand towels. After sharing a bathroom with Tyler and Eric for a week, I appreciated the way it sparkled.

The first thing I noticed when I pushed open the office door were the books. Two entire walls were lined with dark shelves full of medical reference books, books about food, nutrition and history. It didn’t seem like there was an order to any of it, and I had to hold myself back from moving things around. Novels were stashed arbitrarily throughout the collection: everything from Jane Austin to James Baldwin, to the Autobiography of Malcolm X, to Barbara Kingsolver, to a collection of… vampire erotica? Holy shit. I impulsively reached for the small volume, but thought better of it at the last second. I didn’t need anyone catching me with that shit in my hands.

I needed to put some space between myself and the sex book, so I walked across the room and put my bag down on Bella’s desk. That’s when I noticed it: my chair. Well, okay, it wasn’t mine, but it was the chair. This one was smaller, made for Bella’s proportions. Fuck. I hadn’t sat in my chair for over a week now. Without another thought, I pulled it out and took a seat. It gave support in all the wrong places, but I didn’t care. I was fucking home.

I glanced at her silver laptop on the desk, it’s little blue light fading off and on like a heartbeat, and resisted the urge to open it and look inside, if only to see the desktop wallpaper. Was it Little Bell, or Jacob, or someone else altogether? But I had no right to that knowledge, so I settled for checking out the little shit strewn all over the desk. There was a seashell, a plastic purple toy pony with a sparkly pink mane, a few pens, a tiny pair of baby shoes, and three rocks, lined up from biggest to smallest, all the same shade of pale purple as the rock Bella had brought to the barbecue last weekend.

I pulled the chair closer to the desk to pick up the smallest stone. The way the chair glided and swiveled, it was an engineering marvel. I considered paying my own chair a visit over at Alice’s place as I spun the around in circles a couple of times. I stopped facing the doorway, and as I looked up, I realized I didn’t need to snoop on her computer, because Bella’s heart was written all over the wall.

The wall around the doorway was covered with an array of photos, and my breath caught in my throat, overwhelmed that she’d even let me in here, to see her life in photos. Ness was everywhere, of course: from an infant that looked much too small, to a picture of Ness and Jacob at a Phillies game that couldn’t have been more than a couple months old.

But, while Ness was sweet, my eyes were drawn to Bella: as a skinny little girl with a man that could only have been her father, standing in the shadows of an enormous evergreen. He was basking in her presence like she was the sun. Their eyes matched and she looked so happy and secure in his arms. There were others: of a small and sullen Bella in a little boat while her dad fished, Bella dipping her toe tentatively in the water at some beach with huge mountainous outcroppings looming off the shore, and Bella as a slim, doe-eyed teen in a bikini with a woman that that looked too young to be her mother, but too old to be a sister.

My favorite though, was the picture of her looking pissed off in the fishing boat. You could tell that she loved her dad and that she wanted to be there, despite the look on her face. And the way her dad was looking at her, I’m pretty sure he knew it too. And as I looked closer, I saw a little black-haired boy in the shot too. He looked familiar.

It was Jacob fucking Black, in the boat with Bella and her dad.

Motherfucker.

“Fuck.”

“You said a bad word,” came a tiny, breathless voice from down the hall. I couldn’t help but smile. I’d stopped Little Bell in her tracks with my use of the word fuck. Her curly hair was in messy pigtails, and she was carrying a stuffed sheep that had seen better days.

“I did,” I admitted.

“You not say it to mama, okay, Ewoord? She’ll get mad because you say’ed it and give you a time out.”

I knelt down so we were at eye level. “Thanks for the warning.”

And with that, Nessie came charging down the hall, and threw her arms around my neck. “I see’ed you when you were little and you had funny hair. But now it regalar.”

“What?”

“When you were little and Essmee wanted you to be her little boy, and your friend haved a doggie!”

I was lost, trying to discern what she was babbling about. It all had the ring of truth, but her four-year old descriptions made what she was saying sound like a surreal version of some distant life: like the fairytale Bella mentioned downstairs. There was a lot of that going on today.

“I missed-ed you, Ewoord.”

“I missed you too, Little Bell.”

“Why you call me L’il Bell?”

“Cause you remind me of your mommy.”

“But she big.”

“I brought you something.”

“A present?” she asked, finally letting go of my neck. She smiled and seemed to shake with excitement. Bella’s daughter was so outgoing and trusting; it made me nervous at the same time that I was in awe of her.

“I brought you music.”

Her eyes lit up and she danced a little in place. “With bad words in it?”

“No. No bad words this time.”

“Oh.” I couldn’t help but love that she was disappointed about that. I pulled the iPod out of my back pocket and held it out to her.

“You have pink music? Pink is my favorite!”

“You have pink music, Little Bell. It’s yours.”

“It mine? For me?” The inflections in her voice were all exaggerated, as she tried to mimic how an adult would react. But her delight was genuine, and she grabbed the iPod from my hand.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it! Mama!” Nessie called, running towards the top of the stairs. “Mama! Quick! Hurry up! It’s a amergency!”

I heard quick footsteps at the bottom of the stairs. “I found Ewoord like you tole me to, and he gived me pink music!” she shouted, holding the little iPod up for Bella to see. I held my breath as Bella mounted the stairs.

“Wow,” she murmured, glancing from the iPod to Ness, and then to me. Shit. She didn’t look pleased. There was a little wrinkle between her eyebrows and her lips were pressed together. “That’s a big gift.”

“I should have asked, maybe,” I said apologetically, standing to my feet.

“Can I listen to it, mama? Pa-lease!” Nessie begged, dancing with urgency.

“We have guests, Ness, and they’re watching the game.” Bella shook her head. I pulled Little Bell’s new ear buds out of my pocket.

“She doesn’t have to bother anyone.”

“Edward,” Bella grumbled, but I caught her checking out the playlist with interest.

“You asked me to bring her some music.”

“And you know what I meant,” Bella murmured still looking through the songs I’d downloaded, then glancing at Little Bell’s eager face. “Fine,” she relented, shaking her head in a gesture of surrender. “Did you say thank you, Ness?”

“Thank you, mama!” Nessie cheered and ran back over to me to pull the ear buds out of my hands. She immediately plopped down on the floor and began struggling to get the jack into the tiny port. The tip of her tongue peeked out of the corner of her mouth.

“Not to me, to Edward.”

“Thank you, Ewoord,” Ness mumbled without looking up. I couldn’t help laughing a little, happy that she liked it. And honestly, I couldn’t wait to see if she liked the music. I’d had some of the kids at Wednesday’s clinic help, and the rest were songs I thought she’d want to dance to, and that reminded me of her.

“The music on there?” Bella asked threateningly.

“It was picked out carefully, with Little Bell in mind.”

I’m not sure what I said, but Bella finally smiled, almost against her will, I think.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to. She has good taste in music. And I saw this doctor recently that told me music could bring a person joy.”

“Stupid doctor, overstepping their bounds.”

“Brilliant doctor, pointing out the obvious and trying to make a difference in a person’s life.”

Bella was about to say something, but she stopped herself and shrugged. “Come on down, lunch is just about ready.”

I glanced at Nessie, fiddling with the iPod at our feet.

“Ness and Jonah already ate. It’s okay, she’ll find us if she gets too hungry or too frustrated.”

Bella reached for my hand, and I knew I should pull it away from her, that touching her was … electrifying and unprofessional. But, as my fingers closed around hers, and I watched the smile widen on her face, and the way her eyes glittered, and the way her long eyelashes brushed against her cheeks as she slowly blinked, I didn’t give a fuck anymore. Somehow, this was perfect, and my body fucking hummed.

“Hey, Bells, where’d you go?” Jacob called from downstairs.

“We should go,” Bella murmured.

Nessie smiled at us from the floor, where she was struggling to get the ear buds in her ears.

“Jess might kill you, you know. Jonah’s going to want one now,” Bella said, her small hand grasping mine tighter, her thumb tentatively caressing my fingers. Sure, she said we should go, but her hand was saying something different. A few strands of hair had fallen across her face, and she looked like she wanted to ask me a question again, and she looked like she wanted to run away.

“Before we go,” I whispered, bending my face closer to hers.

Bella’s breath caught in her throat for a second. “What?” she breathed.

“This,” I said simply, brushing a wisp of hair behind her ear. My finger traced the curve of her ear, then ghosted down her long neck. Just that little touch and my dick wanted more.

“I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I met you.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Bells?” Jacob called again, and the spell was broken.

“After lunch… we should talk about my case. We can talk in the office.”

Right. Business. I pulled my hand away, and shoved it in my back pocket, where it closed around her prescription. Stay the fuck away, Masen, I reminded myself. She needed more than an iPod, more than a fuck, more than I was capable of giving.

Jacob watched closely as Bella and I walked down the stairs into the dining area. Everyone else was chatting as they piled their plates with food. Alice eyed me beseechingly, in what I could only imagine was a silent plea to behave myself, before turning back to her conversation with Jess. A little boy with wavy blonde hair and a dirty shirt was running laps from the kitchen to the front of the house and back. Jacob didn’t bother to smile, and I was at a loss for what to say.

“I want to fuck your girlfriend, but it looks like you’ve figured that out already.”

Or there was the standard, “Let’s take this outside, asshole.”

“I found him,” Bella said to her boyfriend so that I didn’t have to say anything.

“Great.”

“You have a beautiful home,” I tried. And a beautiful girlfriend. I was just holding her hand, again.

“Jealous?”

“Jake!” Bella hissed.

“Actually, I’m living out of a box at the moment. Jealous seems about right.”

Jacob smiled a little at that. “That must suck.”

“It does,” I shrugged.

Jacob turned his back to me, grabbing a beer from the refrigerator, and I could swear that I heard him say ‘good’ under his breath.

“Help yourself,” Bella offered, putting a plate in my empty hands. The dining room table was covered with a variety of salads, grilled vegetables, barbecued shrimp, baked beans, and what I think was marinated tofu with cold sesame noodles.

“It’s not Quizzno’s, that’s for sure,” Mike laughed as he sidled up next to me.

“Nope,” I agreed, my mouth watering for the first time in recent memory.

“Looks like Bella’s really trying to impress your cousin,” he said under his breath, conspiratorially.

“You think?”

“That’s all I can figure. But I’m not complaining. Well, a burger would have been nice. Hey there, it’s the lady responsible for all this,” Mike chuckled as Alice walked over to the both of us.

“No way, it wasn’t me,” Alice said with a smile. “At least, not this time.”

“Bells has been on this health food kick, or something,” Jacob offered by way explanation. “She’s been cooking every night this week. It’s been awesome.”

“Uh oh,” Mike said with a whistle.

“What?” Alice asked.

Jess giggled a little. “That’s what my sister did each time she got pregnant. And me too, before I knew about Jonah. After all that time in the kitchen, I swear I haven’t cooked anything since.”

Mike waggled his eyebrows at Bella suggestively, and all the color drained from her face. “I don’t think that’s it,” she mumbled, suddenly very uncomfortable. “Excuse me for a minute, I think I forgot something.” She quickly retreated to the kitchen. Mike gave Jacob a meaningful look, but Jacob shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.

“What about when she was pregnant with Ness?” Mike asked.

“I don’t know,” Jacob said between clenched teeth, suddenly bitchy. He stalked off to take a seat in front of the T.V.

“Nice move,” Jess hissed to her husband. “Way to clear the room, Mike.”

“I always forget.”

An awkward silence fell over everyone, and we smiled nervously at one another and ate our food where we stood. Eventually, Mike and Jess went to sit in front of the T.V. with Jacob, and Alice excused herself to go talk to Bella in the kitchen. I was left standing in the dining room, ridiculously angry, as that little dirty kid ran past me every couple minutes. I know it was stupid, but the idea of Bella pregnant with that man-boy’s baby made me want to vomit, or to hit something. Bella in his bed, in his arms - in my mind he was sweaty and unskilled and selfish in the sack. At the same time, I knew he loved her, I could see it every time he looked at her, and I wanted better than that for Bella. But I wasn’t big enough to hope he loved her well, like I fucking could.

“Jonah! Jonah! I getted music!” Ness came bopping down the stairs to a silent beat, holding her iPod in one hand and that raggedy old stuffed sheep in another. Jonah screeched to a halt in front of Ness. Yes, he literally screeched; he made a loud screeching noise that would put any eighteen-wheeler to shame.

“Listen,” Ness commanded, taking out one of her ear buds, and pressing it up to his ear. “I know’ed this one. It’s mama’s music too!” The two little kids stood with their heads bent together. Ness’ eyes were closed and her head moved to the beat. Jonah’s eyes were wide open, though, staring at Ness.

“Aw,” Alice cooed under her breath as she and Bella came in from the kitchen. “She has a boyfriend, Bella. That’s too cute.”

“Actually, Ness is holding out. She says she won’t marry Jonah unless he stops hitting her.”

“That’s sound. She’s a smart little girl.”

“She is,” Bella agreed, her voice flat.

“He fucking hits her?” I was floored. Had they talked to him, punished him? Did they need someone to hit him back?

“Edward!” Alice warned.

“Sometimes when he gets too excited, he pushes Ness down because he likes her,” Bella explained, not looking at me. “I’m sure there must have been a little girl you teased when you were little. Someone that talked about marrying you, a girl you stared at like that.”

I thought about Tanya, and didn’t have the will to answer.

“Was there a boy that pushed you when he got excited?” I asked Bella instead. “I bet there was an army beating down your door.”

Bella didn’t answer either. She shook her head, and added more food to her plate.

“Wooh!” Jess and Mike cheered from the living room.

“In your face, Black!” Mike taunted. Jacob groaned and took a long chug from his beer.

“The bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb,” Ness sang out loud in her tiny soprano. Jonah laughed at her and jumped up and down.

Bella glanced in my direction, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the smile on her face. “A Smiths?” she mouthed, using Nessie’s language for the band.

“A Smiths,” I silently repeated back.

“Ask me, ask me, ask me!” Ness continued singing, dancing where she stood, shaking her head and shaking her booty and holding Jonah’s hand.

“Come on, you two, let’s eat and watch the game,” Alice said. And that’s what we did.

xXxXx

Baseball is a fucking long-ass game. I can’t say I’d ever sat down and watched a game from beginning to end before. I hoped I never fucking had to again. I can’t say I paid much attention, trying to keep an eye on Little Bell to make sure that dirty little kid didn’t hit her, and trying not to watch Jacob and Bella sitting next to one another, just three fucking feet away from me.

I told you, I’ve got instincts about people, and I saw that Jacob was good for Bella, and I saw how she fell into him, like she was glad to have him. She was relaxed next to him, and he fucking loved it; he loved her. And because it was all playing out in front of me, I saw what an ass I’d been to Tanya all over again. In five fucking years I don’t think we’d ever sat together like that: so comfortable and relaxed.

I wondered what Tanya was doing, if she’d gotten off of Kate’s couch this weekend. I knew I shouldn’t call, but I’d be fucking lying if I said I didn’t think about it, that I wasn’t resisting the urge to try things again, to make them right. Because I wanted to be as right as this goddamned kid in front of me was, and when I watched Bella lean over to pick up her beer off the floor, as I tried not to glance at the blue bra covering her tits, I knew I was scum.

The Phillies won, seven five. Mike and Jess left with Jonah, their little scumbag that liked to hit girls. He’d better hope I didn’t see him in court in twenty years. Alice brought Little Bell upstairs to color and play dress up, and I couldn’t decide which one looked more excited about it.

Jacob and Bella were hanging out at the front door with Mike and Jess. I stood up, but I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I started picking beer bottles up off the floor and I could hear them making babysitting arrangements.

Babysitting. It shouldn’t have been such a shock to my system. I saw clients that had kids every fucking day; I worked with kids for fuck’s sake. But this was different; it was normal. There was no ire, no divorce, they weren’t homeless – they were just a man and a woman making babysitting plans. I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself again that they weren’t married, that he was just a boyfriend, and that he wasn’t Ness’ father. But after spending hours in their house, it didn’t seem to matter as much anymore.

I took the bottles to the kitchen sink, where I started rinsing them out, before chucking them in the recycling bin.

“You didn’t have to do that.” I turned to see Bella standing in the doorway, one foot rubbing the other. Her shorts hung unevenly on her hips, and I could see the smallest sliver of skin between her tank top and her shorts on one side. I closed my eyes and bit my lip.

“It’s the least I could do. The food was great.”

“Better than the cheese steak, then?” she laughed a little.

“There isn’t much in this world that’s worse than a cheese steak. But this was really fuc-… really, good. Where’d you learn to cook like that?”

“I lived with my dad, mostly. If I wanted anything besides pizza and spaghetti, it was up to me. I liked cooking though, so it worked out for both of us.”

Shouts of laughter floated down the stairs from Nessie’s room. I was pretty sure I heard Nessie yelling ‘poop’. “It sounds like they’re having fun.”

“I guess we should get to work too,” Bella suggested. I noticed her hands clench into fists, before she hid them behind her back.

“Sure.”

“Jake will clean up.” I didn’t give a shit what Jake fucking did.

Bella walked ahead of me up the stairs, and I stared at my feet instead of her ass. As we walked past Nessie’s room, she was standing on her bed, modeling a shiny pink skirt and a lacy, navy pull over. Her new iPod was clutched in her hands.

“You can say no to Alice,” I offered.

“We’ll see. As long as it’s a game to Ness, I don’t mind. I think. For now.”

As we walked into the office, the sun was slanting directly through the window, and Bella crossed the room to lower the blinds. She turned towards me, and we both stalled, staring at one another across the cramped little space. The bright sunlight glimmered around the shade and around her silhouette, so that her skin glowed golden white. Fuck, I wanted to touch her. But there was no one here to push me into Bella this time, so I stood, staring, hoping that she’d close the space between us. And she did move; she dropped herself into the little loveseat against the wall.

I chose the desk chair, and Bella’s eyes widened, looking between me and the desk and back again.

“I have the same chair,” I explained, as I wheeled myself a little closer to the couch.

“You’re kidding.”

“It’s the best, isn’t it? I do everything in it.”

“Me too,” she swallowed, looking me over, before her eyes fell on the desk again. It gave me the feeling I was doing something very wrong.

“Do you mind?”

Bella shook her head, her eyes pinned to the desk. It took almost everything I had not to look over my shoulder to see what was so interesting. “No, it’s just funny to see you sitting there.”

“Why?”

“Where do we start?” she asked, instead of answering my question.

Business. Right. “With James Hunter.”

Bella nodded her head and pulled at the edge of her shorts. She didn’t look at me as she started telling her story.

“We met when I was an undergrad. I was… innocent back then. I was kind of shy, and I didn’t date a lot. And I was really focused. I knew I wanted to go to med school, and I worked hard to get the grades I needed, and I had to have enough extra-curricular activities, you know? And I had a job, since my parents didn’t have the money to send me to school.

“So, I worked in a bookstore in Olympia. He… James kept coming in, and he’d look at me, and I didn’t know what to think. He was older, and … attractive, and I was just this girl from the middle of nowhere. He bought mysteries, mostly.”

Bella paused to check in with me, her eyes glancing from me to the goddamned desk. I nodded in encouragement, trying my best to stay in control with my emotions, to hear this story like I would if it were any other client.

“He asked me out, and I said yes, of course. He was formal and sweet; he’d open the door for me, and bring me flowers, and he bought me gifts: old-fashioned, romantic kind of stuff. He was from Seattle, but he started coming down every weekend. My friends thought he was like one of those mysterious and worldly heroes in Victorian romances.

“But I was going to go to med school after graduation; nothing was going to stop me. James knew that and he didn’t like it. And, well,” Bella looked up at me, “I was… I was a virgin,” she said really fast. “He liked that just fine, at first, anyway. When I think about it now, I was naïve. I mean, he was probably about your age.”

The sleazy fucking son of a bitch. I’d have him by the balls in court.

“What did your parents think?” It came out calm, but I was seething inside.

“My dad didn’t know. He’d have shot him. Dad’s a sheriff.”

“I think I love your dad.”

“And my mom, she’s, well… people call her a free spirit, when they’re being nice. She thought that having an older man sweep me off my feet was romantic.

“So, we eloped. I went to med school in Seattle and I slept with him. It should have fixed everything, right? But things changed a lot after that summer. We moved into his tiny little apartment, and he wasn’t mysterious and he wasn’t romantic. He wanted to keep track of me, to know where I was and who I was with.

“And, when he’d get mad, he’d say things. Nasty things. It was all so gradual, I guess. So, instead of getting angry, maybe I started to believe some of it. I didn’t have anyone in Seattle, there were some friends in Olympia, but they stopped calling. I was too embarrassed to say anything.”

Bella paused and looked like she was studying the bookshelf across the room, and I tried my best not to let my anger show. I could feel her anxiety beginning to fill the room around us.

“Do you need a break?”

“This is just hard to say, Edward. Because, I never wanted to think I was so weak, so stupid. But when I look back, I want to slap that girl and tell her to run, to transfer out of the city, to go to her mom, or her dad, or… I never wanted to be the victim. I wasn’t raised that way, and… and looking at you sitting over there, I don’t want to be her now.”

I leaned over and held her hand. It wasn’t my attraction to her that made me do it; it was the support I’d lend to any of my clients. She didn’t look at me; she just shook her head and took short little breaths. Nessie and Alice’s voices carried through the closed door, cutting through the tension in the air.

“I’m not good,” Bella whispered.

“Don’t say that.”

“You don’t know.” That’s when she looked at me, her big brown eyes deep and sad, trying to tell me her story without words.

“Tell me.”

“I had long shifts at the hospital, nights. He’d drop in and try to find me. People talked. When I told him to stay away, he accused me of cheating on him. I didn’t. I didn’t even know anyone anymore; I certainly wasn’t sleeping with anyone. And I was so burnt by the end: from the stress of school and from… James. I knew he’d never leave Seattle, so I applied to residencies as far from there as I could. I planned on leaving him after graduation, or after boards, just as soon as I got a minute to breathe.”

Bella pulled her hand from mine. She leaned her body away from me, and resting against the arm of the couch, instead. “And then I got pregnant. I was using a diaphragm, but, I got pregnant anyway, and… and I felt like, like I was trapped… and I was… I was…I --”

“Shh.”

Before I knew it, I was next to her on the couch, my arms around her as she sobbed, pressing her face against my chest, her warm tears bleeding into the thin cotton of my shirt. And then, like she was giving in, finally, she wrapped her arms around me, grabbed my shirt in her fists, and pressed her shaking body against mine.

To be continued….

A/N: The lyrics to Ask are by The Smiths, not me. And Twilight Ale does actually exist! M
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The Practice of Love