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Ascent to Power	By : Hot4Gerry Category: M through R > The Phantom of the Opera > Het Views: 5436 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Phantom of the Opera, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
- 13
A/N During my research I came across the information that in 1862 a Union soldier named Thomas Nast created a Santa costume out of an American flag to boost moral. Later in 1880 he was asked to recreate the Santa character for a New York magazine. He didn't create the myth of Santa he only used his German heritage to expand and create an image of hope for the people of the disheartened North.. He chose to give him a gentler more calming look with a red and white suit that was trimmed with white fur for his new look. He also chose the North Pole as Santa's permanent home. This character is what our Santa of today is based on.
On another note I had thought no one was interested in this. I received not one review. Ithought people were clicking in then back out. I finally got one review so I will start to post once more. Here is the next chapter. Enjoy, but more importantly, to me at least, review.

Chapter Eleven

Guilt and Forgiveness

Again they stood together looking at a receding coastline leaving behind troubles and a certain amount of regret for actions taken in haste and anger. The heaviness of guilt weighed on Erik as his thoughts were on Susan and his part in her death. A child. His child. He or she had not even had a chance to live. Erik had never really thought to have children. With his deformity and the things he had suffered because of it he had not wanted to bring a child into this world. God how he would have loved that tiny bit of life. No matter what the child's physical appearance he would have loved it.
Because of his selfishness two lives were lost. No one held any blame other than him. His monstrous nature ended a small flicker of life before it truly began. For that alone he should burn in hell.
Erik locked himself in his cabin. He could not face the accusations in the eyes of his companions. His own castigation to himself left him feeling that nothing he could do would ever erase this from his heart or mind. The death of his unborn child would forever be a blot on his soul greater than any of the sins he had commited in his life. This was one sin he could not forgive. He deserved nothing from God or anyone other than rejection.
The guilt began to eat into his black soul. Even though he felt Susan had forgiven him it did not lesson his feelings of remorse and regret. Left alone to brood he soon sank back into the darkness of despair that always seemed ready to consume him. A darkness he had fought all his life. This time the black hole of despair seemed bottomless.
From Susan his mind naturally went to Christine. Pain as fresh as the first day inflicted ripped into him almost bringing him to his knees. He could not love anyone like a normal man. Anyone he loved suffered. He would be doing the world a service if he could do as Susan did and end his life. He should be the one who died not her or his child. They were the innocent victims of his monstrous nature.
He sought peace in his old friend morphine. Nadir discovered him in his cabin on the third night out. The needle and cord to tie off his veins on the bed beside him. Two vials of that poisonous liquid lay beside Erik. Silent testimony to the deed committed earlier.
Nadir knew that one was too much. Two would more than likely be deadly. Nadir opened one of Erik's eyelids. The pupils were starting to clear but his breathing was labored. Nadir checked his pulse. It was weak and irregular. With disgust Nadir threw Erik's wrist to the bed beside him. Erik had taken an overdose of that dreadful morphine. In times of stress Erik gave into the mind numbing arms of the drug he found in Persia. He used it to forget what he could not or would not face. In times of deep sorrow he often would take more than needed hoping to end his life. Erik swore it was not a conscious decision but Nadir had his doubts. Nadir would not let him do this cowardly deed.
Damn you Erik. What devil is eating you now as if I did not know? The same plague of a woman that always eats at you and nips your at your heels in your dreams or more likely nightmares. Christine. The same disease of the heart you have suffered for the last year. Hundreds of miles separate you and still she has her fist tightly wrapped around your heart. If she has done this to you I wonder what state that young man is in, for I have a suspicion he will not find his young fiancée, or I should say bride now, as sweet and malleable as she seemed all these years.
Your tragic association with Susan was another catalyst. Learning of the child pushed you over the edge. I should have forced you to talk to me. I should have known not to leave you alone. Whenever your spirits seem uplifted after some disaster I know how you are. You hide behind your dignity. You shield your true thoughts and feelings. Soon you become morose with self-loathing. I should have foreseen this.
A deep sigh left Nadir's lips. He removed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Going into the bathroom he got a bowl of water and a washcloth. After removing Erik's mask and shirt Nadir proceeded to wipe him down with the lukewarm water. Well at least it would give his face a chance to air out. Nadir carefully cleaned the irritated skin. He knew it was quite painful at times, especially in the heat of the summer months. Nadir had tried on many occasions to get Erik to at least leave the mask off when he was alone but his insecurities would not allow him that luxury. Nadir continued to wipe down Erik's sweating flesh. This was the most he could do until Erik returned to consciousness.
Erik returned to consciousness a little changed in his attitude. It would seem some remorseful feelings had caught up to him. His guilt finally overtaking his self denial of blame for Susan as well as the child.
"Erik..." Erik interrupted before Nadir could say more.
"Not now Nadir. Perhaps not ever. Please. If you have any generousity in you for me please leave this alone. For now. Someday I may be able to speak of it but not now. The pain and guilt are too fresh."
Giving into Erik's wishes Nadir tried for a lighter tone of conversation."Well Erik you have sidestepped the grim reaper once again. By now you should be on a first name basis with that Angel of Death."
"Oh, I am Nadir. His name is Frederick." Nadir looked at Erik's face for a sign of insincerity. All but his eyes held no expression. A humorous light glowed behind the stoic face lighting his eyes with a hint of humor. If it were not for that hint of humor Nadir would have started to rethink the possibility that Erik perhaps did have a smidgeon of vampire blood running in his veins or was in fact like that poor man stitched together in the story. It would stand to reason that the walking dead or someone who was once dead then returned to the living would know The Angel of Death personally.
Nadir witnessed an unusual occurrence. Erik's mouth twitched then a full smile emerged. The deep chuckle coming up from his belly and out his mouth stunned Nadir. Erik never laughed. He smirked. He bared his teeth in a threatening manner. He growled menacingly but never had Nadir seen his face show a smile or heard his laughter.
"Allah save us for I am sure the world is coming to an end and indeed hell has frozen over. That was a laugh Erik. A real sound of merriment. Not a diabolical cackle."
"Do you suggest Nadir that I am without humor? I think I am a quite jovial man. There are any number of things which spark my humorous side."
"Erik in the past the only thing you found slightly amusing was the terror and fear you inflicted on the poor souls in your old haunt. You must forgive me if I find this a momentous occasion."
"Nadir I am not so sensitive that you must avoid saying the name of my former home. The Paris Opera House was after all was my home for twenty years. I will not soon forget the joy as well as the sadness of my time there. For all the dank, dark, molding atmosphere it had been my sanctuary. The one place I could hide from the world and be at peace."
"Nadir why must I always leave a path of destruction behind me wherever I go? I seem to destroy everything I love in this world. As hard as I try my darker nature seems to creep back taking over. The darkness seeps slowly back into my mind and heart removing all the light from my soul. I do not wish to continue to be this haunted ghost, the murderous Phantom. I want to leave that darkness behind me. How can I keep it at bay Nadir when it calls to me in every waking moment? The darkness is a much easier mistress to please. Goodness and light are somewhat elusive. Each time I reach out to grasp that elusive light it disappears like mist on the moors of England. Am I to be forever in the darkness without one ray of light Nadir?"
The serious and solemn question deserved a well thought out answer. Nadir tried to find words that would comfort and give encouragement to Erik. He feared that if someone did not come and rescue his friend's soul he would be lost forever. Erik was in desperate need of someone he could share his life with. Someone to shower him with the love he had been denied his whole life and in return give boundless love to that one person who would bring his soul back into the light and complete him, becoming his other half.
"Erik all men struggle between the darkness in their soul and the light of goodness.
Since the beginning of time darkness has always tried to overshadow light. The choice is made by each person. In order for you to put your darkness behind you I feel you must face your past as painful as I know that will be. I know you hold the pain of the deaths you caused in Persia hidden and locked away in your heart. As awful as those were you only compounded your sins with the murders and deaths you caused in Paris. I do not say these things to hurt you. You must unlock that door and face what happened only then can you begin to forgive yourself. I have known for a long time your sorrow and regret for your part in those tragedies. Your God has forgiven you long ago. As soon as your regret seeped into your heart the forgiveness from that higher power was waiting to enter your heart. With each admission of guilt and feeling of regret you lesson the burden on your heart. As that hurt leaves you the love and forgiveness of the one your Christian soul has denied for so long sends his love and fills the emptied places left by the release of the sorrow you hold for your sinful acts. Now you must find a way to forgive yourself. Your ghosts and demons must be brought out to let the light shine on them. Recognizing evil in oneself is a step toward driving it out."
"Do I deserve forgiveness Nadir? Even...even after what I did to Susan and the...the child? A child that would have been mine?"
"Who among men can truly judge another? Each man knows his own conscience. I leave the task of judgment to a power higher than myself. I can only use man's laws to judge men's deeds but the soul should be judged only by whatever god you believe in. I know you always deny God but try to remember every time when your life was in peril who's name you called for guidance and assistance even if it was a silent request. When death seemed imminent was there a prayer in your heart? Did you ask for his mercy? Even the most vile man can call upon his God and receive mercy and forgiveness. All you have to do Erik is ask and it shall be given."
Near breaking into tears himself Nadir said no more but simply left after placing a comforting hand on Erik's shoulder for a brief moment. No more needed to be said. Erik needed time to think about the path he would take. Nadir did not expect an instant change but he knew Erik would find his way. There were many ups and downs. The Phantom could not be put to death in a moment of regret and sorrow. It would take many battles within Erik to lay his alter ego aside for good. He did have regret for all the sins he had committed. That was the first step. That was the hardest step. The admittance of quilt and asking for forgiveness.
Erik knew he had much to be forgiven. As he sat with his head bowed leaning into his hands for the first time in his life that he could remember, Erik prayed. He prayed for God to give him strength to choose the right path. He knew the darkness of the Devil would always be tempting him whispering seductively in his ear but he gave his promise to try to put it behind him. Knowing his nature all too well he begged God to be lenient when he strayed from the path. Erik's whole life had been a struggle just to survive.
The means he had used to survive did not always mean the honest or righteous way. From early childhood he had been conditioned to fight and take what he wanted by any means just to be able to have a small portion of the things others take for granted. Before Erik ended his silent communion with the creator he wanted him to know one thing. For whatever reason God had seen fit to bestow this face on him he wanted the heavenly father to know he forgave him for the curse. Nadir told him long ago that not all things were equal in this world and less was understood. It was not necessary for a person to know the why's of God's will it was only necessary to accept and do the best one could with the things one had in life.
For the first time in his life Erik did not feel cheated. He could not honestly say he felt blessed but he did not feel his life lacked anything. Erik searched his mind to try to think of a word to describe how he felt. Many came to mind but none seemed appropriate. With sudden clarity he knew what this new feeling was. Peace. Erik felt at peace with himself and with God. He no longer felt as if he were at war with the Supreme Being.
That night Erik fell into a dreamless sleep. If he dreamed he did not remember them. For most of his life he had nightmares of past tortures. Consequently he rarely slept more than a few hours each night. That night Erik slept the whole night in peace. His eyes did not open until the sun streaked over the ship. Light filtered through the small porthole in Erik's room. Erik had always been an early riser as sleep held little appeal. Sleeping usually meant nightmares.
- 11
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- 13
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Ascent to Power