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The Practice of Love	By : belladonnacullen Category: Twilight Series > AU/AR > Het > Het Views: 2642 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
- 13
EPOV
Before I knew it, I was next to her on the couch, my arms around her as she sobbed, pressing her face against my chest, her warm tears bleeding into the thin cotton of my shirt. And then, like she was giving in, finally, she wrapped her arms around me, grabbed my shirt in her fists, and pressed her shaking body against mine.

I could feel each subtle movement of her body as she shuddered: her breasts against my chest, her thighs rocking against mine, her small knuckles pressing into my back, and her warm, damp breath against my neck. And I held her closer, not because of any sick ulterior motives, but because I knew. I just never would have guessed. I knew with the singular understanding of someone that’s watched his soul splatter on the fucking floor, that she could break. And I wanted to keep her from breaking like I had so many years ago, and holding her was the only way I knew how.

I’d heard stories like Bella’s more times than I cared to admit. It was my job. I took that information and used it and made things right. I was good at my fucking job. But in Bella’s presence, there was no way I could remain detached and simply do my job. Did that make me a bad fucking attorney? Probably. I didn’t give a shit.

She nuzzled her head against me, and the movement pulled her ponytail loose so that her dark brown hair cascaded over my hands, over her face. I pushed it back behind her ear and pressed my lips to the top of her head, rocking, like you would a child or a mother or a wife. And for the first time in as long as I could remember, I didn’t know exactly how much time passed; it could have been five minutes or an hour, but Bella’s sobs finally subsided, until she was simply breathing in my arms.

She folded her legs and her thighs laid over mine, and her fists unfurled so her palms were flat against my back. And as she stilled in my arms, I knew I had to put space between us, because my dick was beginning to realize that the crisis was over, and it had some fucked up ideas of its own.

But I didn’t want to let go. I’d thought I was home as I sat in her chair just hours ago. But this was fucking home: Bella and I together, and fuck if I ever wanted to leave.

A stray splash of afternoon sunlight glanced off of a picture frame hanging on the wall across from us, flashing in my eyes, distracting me for a second. A second was all it took, though. As I glanced up at those photos, my arms immediately began to loosen, almost of their own accord. She wasn’t mine, this wasn’t mine, I was in the house she shared with Jacob fucking Black, a nice guy that would probably give his left nut for her. A dark weight fell through my center, and I let her go.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she lifted her head from my chest and planted her feet on the ground. Her face was so close to mine that I could feel her breath against my lips. There was a pink splotch where she’d pressed her wet cheek against one of the buttons on my shirt. She was beautiful, and she wasn’t mine.

“Don’t apologize, you’ve done nothing wrong.”

Bella sighed and closed her eyes, bowing her head, and her chestnut hair tickled my nose. I had to bring back the fucking attorney, because otherwise I was just a piece of garbage taking advantage of a woman in a crisis.

“Do you need more time before we begin again? Some water would help, maybe?” My voice sounded wrong; it was too hard and clinical, considering her arms were still around me, and I was close enough to her mouth to know her breath smelled like cinnamon.

Bella’s head shot up, her wide eyes fixed on mine. I think she’d forgotten about the attorney too. I tried to ignore the pleasant burn I felt so close to her, and to ignore the way my own eyes felt suddenly damp and exposed, the way I felt naked in front of her. There were fresh tears trailing down Bella’s face. I cupped her cheeks in the palms of my hands and brushed my thumbs under her eyes, catching her tears, and we waited, suspended, breathless.

“You have poop on your head!” Nessie called from down the hall.

“And you have an Alice on your belly!” Alice laughed and Nessie playfully screamed.

“You have a sheep on your knee!”

“And you have a zerbert on your cheek!” A big, wet fart echoed through the hallway, followed by uncontrollable laughter.

Bella and I smiled at one another and she shimmied backwards on the small couch, until her back rested against the arm. My body missed hers immediately, leaving a gaping void where she’d been, leaving me incomplete and restless. Until that moment, I hadn’t realized that’s how I always felt, and how wrong it was. Fuck, up until a week ago, I hadn’t felt. Period.

“She’s having fun with Alice,” Bella said, looking towards the door. With her attention elsewhere, I was even more lost.

“She’s amazing, you know.” That was something undeniable and easy to say. Anything else would have been too enormous, too difficult.

“Sometimes I don’t know where she came from; she’s so outgoing and funny, she doesn’t hide anything.”

“Anyone with eyes would know she’s yours. She looks just like you, and the way she cares so openly about people, that’s the same, too.”

Another tear trickled down Bella’s cheek, and I resisted the urge to wipe it away again. I instinctively knew that time between us was over.

“I always dreamed that when I found out I was pregnant, it would be the happiest day of my life. That I’d run to my husband, whoever he was, with that silly plastic stick in my hand and a stupid smile on my face. And he’d kiss me, and I don’t know, we’d make love in the rain, or something, because it’s always raining back home.

“But I wasn’t happy about Ness,” Bella murmured as Nessie’s infectious laughter echoed through the second floor. Bella paused to wipe her eyes, and I held onto the back of the couch to keep myself from moving closer to her, trying to fathom the weight of the what she’d been carrying with her.

“It felt so wrong, and it hurt so much to feel that way. Here I was educated, married, with a home and food and, I don’t know, medical insurance, and I didn’t want it at all. I felt like it was the worst thing that could have happened. I didn’t love her at first, because she was part his.”

Bella’s eyes met mine, pleading. I knew this had shit to do with the case, but we were beyond that. “You’re not bad.”

Bella wiped her eyes again and folded her legs underneath her, shaking her head.

“Maybe I do need a break. Do you mind?”

A break? I’d give her whatever she asked for, and I understood that in a way I hadn’t before we’d entered this room together. I’d give her all the time she needed. I’d be happy to stay with her in that little room forever. Fuck, I’d stay on the couch with her forever; we didn’t need the whole room. On second thought, the couch and the desk, that would cover it. We could cover it. Bella was looking at me expectantly. Thank fucking god I hadn’t been speaking out loud.

“No, I don’t mind.”

Bella stood up and stretched, then walked across the room and started moving some books on the shelf, uncovering a small stereo. After she pressed some buttons, soft twangy music filled the air, and she quickly turned down the volume.

Music, to auditory tolerance

“Is this okay?” she asked, turning and smiling weakly, playing the part of hostess, and… friend?

“Did you really just put on alt country? And here I thought we saw eye to eye on music,” I chuckled. Bella’s smile widened, her shoulders relaxed, and I felt ridiculously proud. I’d hoped my statement would lighten the mood, and it had.

“Hey, it’s a good song. You don’t like Wilco?”

“Do I look like the kind of guy that goes around Philly wearing plaid shirts with ironic snaps, big belt buckles and cowboy boots?”

Bella raised her eyebrows and her smile turned playful. “I like this song. Does that mean I’m that kind of girl?” I’d probably pay good money to see Bella dressed like that, but I simply shrugged instead of sharing that particular information with her.

“I saw them at Bumbershoot in Seattle, in the stadium at night,” she said, leaning back against the bookshelf. “I was laying on a blanket with a beer in my hand, watching the purple clouds drifting across the sky, and the stars broke through just as they started playing California Stars. It’s one of my favorite memories.”

“Just tell me you weren’t dressed like some alt hipster cowgirl.” Or tell me that you were. I’d like you either way. Bella’s eyes glittered like she could tell what I was thinking, and I was immediately ashamed.

“Nope, just chaps and a cowboy hat.”

The shock of that particular image must have shown on my face, and Bella sank to the ground giggling. “You men are too easy.”

“That might be the first time anyone’s labeled me as easy,” I choked out, each word sticking in my throat, half laughing, and half coughing.

“Please. You’re just a normal, American man. Of course you’re easy. No one’s pointed that out? Ever?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, because I was pretty sure no one had ever called me normal before, either. Maybe Bella’s presence made it easier for me to act normal, except that I was never actually acting around her. I needed time to think about that, and to think about Bella, chaps and a cowboy hat. Fuck. I was truly at a loss, and as I glanced across the little room at Bella, I could see that she knew we’d gone too far. Again.

“No, never,” I sputtered, finding it impossible to look at her anymore. I focused on the pictures on the wall, instead. In my peripheral vision I could see Bella follow my gaze.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t --”

“Shh,” she said, silencing me. “I’m nervous, and I say stupid things when I’m nervous. Everything I said in the past three minutes was completely inappropriate. Can we just pretend like it never happened?”

I tried to force myself to say yes, to agree and to just go on. “No. As a normal man, I’m completely incapable of forgetting that particular image. But we can try to pick up where you left off, and leave it at that.”

Bella’s cheeks changed from pink to deep crimson as the reality of what she said settled in with the knowledge that I’d remember it, and I was glad. She’d flirted with me, and I wouldn’t forget. I wanted her to know that, and I’d risk her discomfort for it. I wondered how I could be so selfish, only a heartbeat after I wanted to help her. I didn’t have an answer.

“I’m nervous because I know I have to tell you the rest, but, for some reason, it matters to me what you think.” Bella’s eyes locked with mine and I was pretty sure she knew the reason. But I wouldn’t push. I had no right, and I couldn’t think about her reason, yet. Not here, not now. I had other things to think about.

“I’ll tell you what I think, Bella. I think your husband was an asshole, and I’m being polite when I say that, for your benefit. And I think that if I knew you then, I’d have beaten him within an inch of his life.”

She smiled a little and shook her head, finally looking away towards the window and the pinking late-afternoon light. “You don’t even know.”

“I think it’s time you told me.”

Bella leaned back against the bookshelves and stretched her legs out in front of her. The room was narrow enough that her toes almost touched my feet.

“Right. Well… after I found out about… that, I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood.” Bella stared at me hard, challenging, almost fierce. But if she was looking for disapproval, she wasn’t going to get it from me. I understood. I’d known my dad well; some people didn’t deserve kids.

After a moment with no reaction from me, she looked away. Her voice got quieter and her shoulders collapsed. “And I don’t know how he found out, but he did. The day before the appointment, he cornered me in the kitchen when I got home from school. He slapped me and pulled my hair, and he called me a murderer, and asked how I could kill my own baby, and I didn’t know…”

She paused. I didn’t move; I can’t say I was even breathing.

“I just knew I was trying to save myself and I felt like I was losing. I curled up on the floor and cried, and he sat on the kitchen table so I couldn’t leave, saying, “I got you pregnant. I got you pregnant.”

Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofabitch.

The sounds of Alice and Nessie shouting along to a Fugazi song carried down the hall and made a strange counterpoint to the country twang and despair and breathlessness in the office. Bella’s eyes were on her photos hanging around the door. I’d been wrong earlier; her whole life wasn’t laid out there. There were no pictures of him. The wall was what her life should have been.

When she continued, her voice was barely a whisper. “That’s when I knew he did something to the diaphragm. It was like a light went off in my head, and I jumped up and tried to run to the bathroom, but he grabbed my wrist and hurt me and held me there and said something like, ‘You won’t be needing it now, so what does it matter if it works?’”

Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofabitch.

Still staring at the wall, Bella folded her arms across her chest, her eyes defiant and her jaw clenched, acting strong. Don’t get me wrong, I knew she was strong, but in that moment she was mentally facing off against someone, pretending this shit didn’t touch her. I knew the attitude too well, and I wanted to tell her that I got it, and that she could relax. She didn’t have to prove anything to anyone, anymore.

I didn’t have the words, though. And I don’t know if I could have spoken if I did. There was something supportive in the immediate, countrified silence around us that I didn’t want to fuck with. So, I moved my foot just slightly, until the rubber sole of my track shoe brushed her toe. She shuddered a little and she dropped her hands to her sides, and Bella was back.

“Idiot,” she murmured, smirking in a way that made me want to climb down beside her and take her in my arms, again. I settled for sliding onto the floor. She crossed her legs to make room.

“Agreed,” I replied, silently vowing not to touch her again. I tried my best to look professional, or clinical, or whatever, but it was difficult with my knees pulled to my chin, sitting on the floor, listing to the stereo like we were twelve, or something.

Bella cleared her throat, and started picking at the little area rug on the floor. “I didn’t go to my appointment, and after that, it was like something kind of broke inside me. I was like a ghost; just a shadow of myself trapped someplace I didn’t want to be, something, or someone growing inside of me, and it made me sick. Not just like pregnancy sick, but nauseous, because it was like he was growing inside of me, when all I’d wanted was to put space between us. I didn’t love her, and I hated him.”

And I felt sick and I wanted to punch something and I couldn’t wait to nail this asshole’s balls to the wall. And I was supposed to be paying attention, not listing my own impulses. I was a fucking awful ass attorney. And I broke my vow. My feet slid out and touched her legs. She pressed back almost imperceptibly. But it was there. We were connected. She smiled. She felt better. And when she started talking again, there was more life in her voice.

“But, you know, while my life was all a pile of crap, I went to school and went to my shifts at the hospital, and I was good there. It was the place where I knew what I was doing, where I helped people because I couldn’t help myself. I really, finally threw myself into it all and I went from proficient to really, really good. I studied hard and I learned to trust my instincts about my patients, probably so I wouldn’t have to think about myself.”

I tried not to stare at Bella’s mouth as she spoke; I tried to listen with my ears, but instead, her words chipped away at my heart.

“He’s too thin. He has no coat.”

“His grades are excellent. And his attendance is perfect.”

“He’s the only one here every day.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a student taking his studies seriously. Even here, in this school. I wish more children would show his initiative.”

“Something isn’t right.”

I sat and pretended I didn’t hear them. Stupid bitches, I was five feet away. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that school was seven hours where I didn’t have to think about my father, or the pain in my gut, or where I was going to sleep that night, or what I was going to have to do for money after I spent the fifty-two cents in my pocket. After that, I stole a coat and skipped class once every three weeks. I was never reported that year. I was thirteen.

I know you, Bella Swan. You know me.

“But, at home, he’d started hitting me for little things: when I said something wrong, when I got home late. He never left marks, at first. But then, one day, I came back after he was already home from work. I’d been at the library, and I wouldn’t tell him where I was. I thought I was taking a stand,” she laughed bitterly. Her hand played with the rubber of my track shoe.

“Afterwards, I had this big black eye and I had to take off from school. But I’d get up every day anyway, and I’d go to this coffee shop in West Seattle where no one I knew would see me, and I’d study. I was scared, but I was manic about studying; I couldn’t let myself stop to think about my pregnancy, or about my… my husband.”

She growled the last word, and clenched her hands into tight fists and pounded them against the floorboards on either side of her. “He was my fucking husband! It still makes me so angry. I get why Jacob wants him dead, I really do.”

It was the first truly good thing I’d heard about the kid. And I tried not to think that she was lucky to have him. She was, though.

Bella clenched and unclenched her fists, and rubbed her knuckles against the wood floor. She pulled her hair back and glanced around the room. I handed her the hair tie that had fallen into my lap when she was in my arms. I didn’t like letting it go, and it stretched a little as she pulled it from my fingers.

“After a few days of studying at the coffee shop, I came home and he was there. He should have been at work. And he asked why I was leaving the house if I wasn’t at school. He hit me, he punched me… in my stomach, and he --”

Bella’s hands stalled in her hair as her words stalled in her mouth. She finally gave up, letting her hair fall back around her shoulders as she closed her eyes and held her breath. She held out her arm to me, her palm facing up, and on her wrist I could see the faint silvery lines of a crescent shaped scar.

“What the --?” I grasped her wrist delicately, and traced the outline of the scar with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

“He bit me, like an animal or something, and then he left.” She lowered her arm, and her hand rested on my bent knee. I should have told her to move. I didn’t. I covered her hand with my own, rubbing little circles, relaxing into the feel of her finger pads over the denim of my jeans, so close to my thigh.

“I knew I should go to the hospital, but it was the last place I wanted to go. People would talk. Hell, I should have at least left the apartment, but I don’t know, I guess I’d given up by then. That’s when Jake came.”

“Jacob?”

Motherfucker. My hand stopped moving and Bella startled and smiled, her eyes glassy and grateful.

“I know. Instead of a white knight on horseback, we joke that I got a skinny kid in a beat up Rabbit.”

“He’s not skinny.” What the fuck did I just say?

Bella looked a little hurt by my comment and her hand twitched on my knee, but she didn’t pull it away. “He started lifting weights, afterwards.”

“Oh.”

She arched her eyebrows, maybe waiting for another question. I was her lawyer, and the first thing I asked about was her boyfriend’s muscle mass? I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and Bella sighed, probably wondering why she’d hired me.

“When I opened the door and I saw how he looked at me, horrified and speechless, it was like having cold water poured over my head. I saw how far I’d fallen, how much I’d changed, what I’d let him do. Jake took me to the police station, and held my hand while I got the restraining order.”

“And, after all that stress, I guess, Ness came early. I wasn’t even close to ready. I don’t know if I ever really thought about giving birth to an actual baby. Jake took me to the hospital, and he was there with me the whole time. He was so young then, but so strong for me, when I couldn’t be.”

“You were always strong.”

Bella smiled a little, but her expression was flat and I could tell she didn’t accept the sentiment. But seriously, only four years after this nightmare, she had a normal life. Give me thirteen fucking years after hitting my own personal bottom, and I was still hopeless.

“After that, we called my mom and she came to help, and Jake went back to Forks. But, the same day my mom left, he came back. James. We’d changed the locks, but he broke down the door.”

Bella’s hand was still clutching my knee, but she was gone. Her eyes were flat and dry; dull, like the ground without rain. My chest ached, full of rage and desire and the need to hold her and protect her; to fucking do something. But they were all the wrong emotions; they belonged to Jacob. I fucking got it, now.

I needed the lawyer back, immediately. But as much as I tried, I couldn’t let go of the feelings threatening to burst through my skin. I couldn’t let go. Up until a week ago, I couldn’t find my emotions, and now I couldn’t fucking let go.

All I could do was press my hand over Bella’s, and listen.

“He was screaming nonsense about me cheating on him with Jake. I guess he’d been watching me, or us, or whatever. And he grabbed me by the hair, and pulled, and I held onto Ness, and she was crying, and after all that shit about me being a murderer, he pushed me… down the stairs… with Ness in my arms.”

Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofabitch. Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofabitch.
Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofa…

“You know how they say you fall in love with your baby the moment you see it?” Bella asked, turning her hand over, so we were palm to palm. And we were warmth and static and fiery hope standing in the face of something frightening beyond belief.

“For me, it was when the ground fell out from under me, and I saw the stairs coming for us. That’s the moment I chose her, and I knew I would do anything to protect her; that was when I claimed her as mine, not his. That’s the first time I ever called her Ness. I screamed it, and I held myself around her, and I did it; I kept her safe, she wasn’t even bruised.”

And Bella held onto my hand urgently, like I imagined her holding onto Nessie. I squeezed back as if it might help in retrospect, like I was helping to save her, and like maybe, she might save me too.

“But that meant that I didn’t do anything to break my own fall.”

Bella looked suddenly uncomfortable across from me. She started to uncross her legs, but there was no room for her to straighten them. I was in her way. I started to rise to my feet, but she clasped my hand tighter, pulling me closer. I ignored my first impulse, and my second, in fact, I put aside all of my impulses. Instead, I swiveled around so I was sitting next to her, my back against the bookcase. Bella leaned her head on my shoulder and stretched her legs out straight. She waited, and I studied her legs, from the edge of her shorts, past her knees, until I saw it: the faint outline of a long white scar over the front of her left calf.

“Compound fracture. He ran down the steps after us, and I thought he felt bad. I thought he’d help, because it hurt like hell and Ness was screaming and he’d seemed to care about her existence for a lot longer than I had. But he was running to get to me before the neighbors did. So he could stomp on my leg and finish it. That’s all I remember.”

Bella didn’t need an attorney. She needed a hit man.

“I woke up in the hospital with a social worker and a police officer and they asked me who they should call. My mom was in an airplane somewhere, on her way back to Florida, and I was pretty sure my dad would murder James instead of help me. So, I told them to call Jake.

“Jacob?” Fucking Christ.

“He came back. He stayed,” she said with a shrug, turning her head so her chin rested on my shoulder and she could look at me. I watched her pale pink lips part; they were aligned with my jaw. Her eyes were deep and dark and her leg rubbed against mine, just slightly. Enough. I swallowed. I closed my eyes.

“It wasn’t like this,” she murmured. And I didn’t know if she was talking about Jacob or about me.

“He was just a friend. A good friend.”

“It’s not my business.”

“It is. James said in court that I’d been sleeping with Jake all along. I wasn’t.”

Right. You’re her lawyer, Masen. You’re just her lawyer. And Jacob is the man you wish you could be. “I believe you,” I said, looking toward the shaded window.

Bella let go of my hand and scrambled to her feet, suddenly flustered. She stepped over me to get to the desk. “There’s more. There’s court papers and transcripts, and I don’t know what else,” she said, grabbing an accordion file filled with documents.

“But, Edward?”

“Yes?” It was the first time she’d said my name since we’d been alone, and I didn’t know what to do with the feeling that crept up my spine and down to my center. I was lost, but I was home, and she was beautiful, but she wasn’t mine.

“Can we be done with this for now?”

For once, I managed to say the right thing. If she wanted the attorney, I’d bring back the attorney. Jacob was the man I wanted to be, and I was her lawyer. I had to start acting like one. “Not quite.”

She looked like she’d been slapped. I stood and reached past her, grabbing my bag off the desk. My accordion file wasn’t as thick as hers, but unfortunately, there wasn’t much for Jenks to find.

I leaned against the desk and Bella, noticing the change in my demeanor, took a few steps backwards. “You said he hasn’t paid child support, but there’s an order.”

“I don’t want his money.”

“He’s been employed, Bella, and he owes over fifteen thousand dollars.”

“I don’t need his money.”

“It’s not a question of want or need.” I took a step closer to Bella and she retreated again, until her legs bumped into the couch. “Owing child support wouldn’t preclude Mr. Hunter from seeing Little Bell, if it came to that. But, if we go after him for this, he could be charged with civil contempt, sent away for six months, he could loose his driver’s license. And those spots on his record will work in our favor, if we needed them.”

“Doesn’t he already have some big spots on his record? Don’t I have some spots, on my own body, that would keep him away?”

“Yes, but --”

“There’s a but?” Bella asked, her voice rising. She sat on the couch and I pulled out the desk chair. Somehow, we’d gone full circle in this little room.

“He’s been to a year’s worth of anger management classes, and he’s had a clean record ever since… the incident, four years ago. And… he’s re-married, Bella. He has a child. Little Bell has a sibling: a little girl. Her name is Bree; she just turned two.”

“A wife?”

“Mary.”

“A…nother daughter?” Her face fell into her hands, but it was quick, like a hiccup, and she pulled herself up and took a deep breath.

“That woman, Mary… has he --”

“Hospital records are confidential, even for Jenks. But nothing’s been filed with the authorities. They live together, or they did, until they left Seattle this past week.”

“Do you have pictures in that file?”

“Would you want to see them if I did?”

I could see Bella thinking. “No. I wouldn’t.”

I placed the file behind me, on her desk. She watched my hand carefully.

“We should lay the groundwork to show that he’s still an unstable, irresponsible asshole. We need to petition for back child support.”

“What could he ask for with Li--, with Ness? What could he get?”

“We don’t know if he wants anything. But if he petitions the court for a change in custody, the most he could hope for would be bi-weekly, four-hour supervised visits. It would be an unlikely ruling.”

“There’s no way I can let that happen.”

Was she kidding? There was no way in hell that fucktard would come within a thousand yards of Little Bell or her mother, ever again. “Then we let Washington and New Jersey know where he stands on child support. Hit him first.”

“Fine,” she whispered.

“Fine?”

“Fine.”

Bella tried to smile and clasped her hands in her lap. I rested my elbows on my knees, and my chin on my hands. The music had long since ended and there was no sound from Nessie’s room down the hall. Seconds ticked by. It was the most formal we’d been with one another since the first time we’d met.

I’d fallen back into the role of attorney. It was a part I could play well, and it was what I was here for. It was the part of me that would help Bella, rather than pull her under. And that weight, and that sinking, and that restlessness, and the endless wresting with what I wanted versus what I should want – I’d have to live with it. Maybe I couldn’t lose the feeling anymore, but I’d have to try to ignore it.

I sighed. I wondered what Bella wanted. I had no idea.

“I want to help you.” It was the most unexpected and miraculous thing she could have said.

“What?”

“You. The kids, I mean. Alice told me about the work you do, your organization. She brings socks and underwear. I could help. I want to help. I’m a doctor…”

“What?” And there was so much more behind that question. What had Alice said to Bella? What more did Bella know about me? What the hell was she offering?

“I worked a shift at a shelter for homeless teens in Seattle. It was called Mary’s Place.”

“Really?”

“I liked them, the kids; I liked the work. The autonomy those kids had made them different: proactive and dedicated. They were there because they wanted to help themselves. I’m not trying to say their situation was anything but awful, but a visit with one of them was different than seeing some kid with their parents in the hospital. It was hard… but, I don’t know… I saw some of them even after I left that shift.”

I was staggered. “Medical care? Really?”

“I guess?”

“You guess?”

“Are you pissed, or something?” she asked, pulling herself to the edge of the little couch.

“It’s not in our charter,” I sputtered.

“Are socks and underwear in the charter?”

“Alice is family,” I said, looking again at the pictures of her family all around us.

“Oh,” she mumbled, deflated.

“You’re serious?”

“Why would I ask if I wasn’t serious?”

Because I have no idea what you want. Because you’re all I want. Because I won’t fuck with those kids; they’ve been fucked with enough.

I couldn’t say any of that out loud.

“Then come to our fundraiser on the fourth.”

“What?”

“Meet the board. Feel people out. See if you’re still interested after you get to know everyone. It’s a first step.”

“For band-aids?”

“We’re not set up for medical care. It’s something we would have to consider carefully.”

“A fundraiser, though?” Bella looked ill at ease, and I had the feeling she liked those events just about as much as I did.

“It’s just your typical pay for a plate kind of thing. Alice could get you a gown, if you need one. If you want to help, just come… with Jacob, of course,” I added.

“Of course,” she sighed. “Jacob. He’d need… a tux?”

I sighed right back. The idea of hobnobbing with the kid made me ill. Especially, now that I knew what kind of saint he was. “Alice --”

“… could get him one?” she said, finishing my thought.

“She probably already has,” I huffed.

“What?”

“You’ll know plenty of people there: Alice, Esme, Carlisle, Emmett.”

Bella made a face when I mentioned Emmett and I couldn’t help but smile remembering how many times she’d rebuffed him at my aunt and uncle’s house. “You really don’t like Emmett, do you?”

She shrugged and raised her eyebrows. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“All women like him. Your friend seems to like him enough.”

“Who? Rosalie?” I nodded, smiling a little despite myself. It was my amusement that got me into trouble with Rosalie in the first place. Rosalie’s snooping got me into trouble the second time around.

“Rose can’t stand Emmett,” Bella clarified.

“I beg to differ.” I couldn’t help laughing a little as I stood to my feet and began adding Bella’s documents to my bag.

“What are you talking about?” Bella stood too, and folded her arms across her chest. She looked truly perplexed and slightly offended, and I found it cute as hell.

“You should talk to your friend. I’ve said too much already. I don’t need her any more pissed off at me than she already is.”

“She’s angry with you, and she likes Emmett?”

“Yeah, you two are like opposites, I guess.” Bella pursed her lips together and I watched the pink of her cheeks spread to her ears, before she let her hair fall over her face. Fuck. She was embarrassed, and she was even cuter than she’d been just a minute ago. I didn’t know what I’d said, unless she was embarrassed because I implied that she liked me.

“Bella, I didn’t mean it like that,” I said with an irrepressible smile plastered across my face. It made me feel like a kid, or like I should have felt with girls when I was a kid. The next thing you knew I’d be making a mix tape. But then I thought about little Bell’s iPod, and I realized I already had. Fuck.

“I know,” she murmured, her eyes on the ground. “Sorry. I don’t know why I’m acting like I’m in high school, or something.”

My thoughts, exactly.

“Maybe we both are?”

“You make Jacob act like he’s twelve, too… or maybe fourteen. He was fourteen when he beat up my boyfriend, Quil.”

“He was the kid, then. The kid that pushed you because he liked you?”

“No,” she almost laughed, and I was glad. “It was never like that with us. He was little. He’s two and a half years younger than me. That means nothing now, but back then, he was like a baby. He would never have tried anything.”

I couldn’t help smiling, and I watched Bella peeking at my face, between the shining strands of her hair. “But still, he liked you, liked you?” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm, taking a step in her direction.

“Shut up, Edward,” Bella replied. She pushed her hair out of her face and smirked right back at me. Her shorts were hanging a little unevenly on her hips again. Her hands followed my eyes and she righted them.

“Well, he does now, at least,” I said, forcing me eyes back to her face, away from her hips, her waist, her tits. “He likes you, likes you. Anyone could see it.”

Bella shrugged, still smiling, watching me carefully. “The feeling’s mutual. He says the same thing. He thinks you do, too.”

“I do.”

Bella stopped, everything stopped: my heart, the breath in my lungs, and time for all I fucking knew. Bella cocked her head to the side, her eyes bright, the corners of her mouth hinting at a smile.

“You like me, like me?”

“Jesus Christ, forget I said anything.” I felt my own cheeks growing warm, and I turned around to grab my bag.

“No,” came Bella’s reply. “As a normal woman, it would be impossible.”

I had to get out of that little room. I was screwing everything up. I hung my bag over my shoulder, and began walking towards the door. I knew Bella’s eyes were on me, but I couldn’t look at her. And just as I reached the door, I felt the feather light touch of her hand on my shoulder. It might as well have been a lead weight. It stopped me in my tracks.

“Edward?”

Her hand trembled, and those emotions I couldn’t suppress anymore tried to fucking jump through my chest, again. I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes and prayed she’d let me go.

“Edward, stop. We should talk.”

Tiny footsteps charged down the hallway towards the office.

“Please, just turn around. This is stupid. We’re being stupid.”

Frantic little knocks banged against the office door at knee height. “Mama!” I grabbed the doorknob.

“Edward, we have to talk.”

“Mama!” Nessie shouted. “You got to write on papers for me! I go’ed to work! You got to sign papers!”

“Edward?” Bella’s voice was growing frantic, and she tried tugging on my shoulder to get me to turn around.

I opened the door, and Little Bell fell into my legs. “Ewoord!”

“Hey there,” I smiled, kneeling down so I could look straight into her big brown eyes.

“Mama’s got to sign papers for Alice cause I go’ed to work!”

“Is Alice being a good boss?” I asked with a smile.

Ness nodded her head dramatically.

“Cause if she gives you any trouble, if she works you too hard, you tell me and I’ll talk to her for you,” I said poking Little Bell in her tummy. “Alice doesn’t scare me.”

“Not me eiver. Alice is funny,” she giggled.

“I should go now, Little Bell.”

“Edward?” Bella tried again as I got to my feet.

“I should probably let myself out,” I said, studying the floorboards. “You have paperwork to sign.”

Jacob was a fucking saint, and she wasn’t mine. I fucked over everyone I loved, and I wouldn’t do it again. Not to Bella. I edged past Little Bell, and she skipped into the office with her fistful of tax forms.

“Fuck the paperwork,” Bella hissed under her breath.

“Can you write on the papers for me, mama?”

“Vanessa, not now.”

“Pa-lease, mama!”

“Vanessa, I said, not now.”

“Mama, hold me, please, mama. Alice says you have to,” Ness began to sob a little.

“Good night, Bella. We’ll be in touch,” I said loud enough so she could hear me, walking swiftly down the hall. I was well aware that she might fire me, that I might never see her again. But what the hell was I supposed to do? I was in the home she shared with her saintly fucking boyfriend, and he was downstairs, for fuck’s sake.

What the fuck did she want me to do?

But as I neared the stairwell, I paused to try to collect myself. I could hear Alice and Jacob talking below, and I didn’t want to make a scene.

“So you’re not going to go?” Alice was asking.

“I don’t know. Probably not. There’s too much going on here.”

“Work?”

“No. Here, like, in this house, here.”

“What couldn’t wait four days? You were just saying how much you missed things out west. I’m sure Bella would understand.”

“Actually, Bella wants me to go. But, right now I worry about leaving her and Ness here, alone. There’s a lot of shit going on with her ex.”

“That’s simple. They can stay with me for the weekend!”

“You? Alice, no offense, but --”

“The rest of my family will be there too. We go to Cape May every Labor Day. Emmett will be there. You’ve met Emmett, right?”

“Alice, I don’t know.”

“Listen, I’ll talk to Bella. I know Esme would love to have them. She can’t stop talking about Nessie. And then you could go fishing with a clear conscience.”

“What about him?”

“Who?”

“Him.”

“Edward? What about him?”

“Will he be there?”

“This is the first Saturday Edward’s taken off since, well, okay, since last Saturday. But before that, it’s been years. He never comes with us for Labor Day.”

I looked back towards the office and saw Bella sitting at her desk with Ness on her lap, leafing through tax documents. I knew I should probably go back and face her, but it would all just get more convoluted. Seeing her, touching her, telling her I fucking ‘liked her, liked her’. It was self-indulgent, and it would just fuck with her head, when she already had more than enough to deal with.

I couldn’t stand on the landing all fucking night though, so I walked down the stairs to face the saint of a man that knew me for the scumbag I was. After all, I agreed with the fucker. I didn’t trust myself either, which was precisely why I was leaving.

“Edward!” Alice squeaked as she saw me coming down the stairs.

“We should go, Alice.”

“I can’t leave without saying bye to Bella.”

“She’s upstairs.”

Alice rolled her eyes. Obviously, Bella was upstairs. Where else would she be? Suddenly, I thought I was the authority on Bella’s whereabouts. I was an ass.

Alice looked between Jacob and me. He was not so subtly staring me down, and I clenched my jaw and fought the impulse to say something underhanded.

“I’ll be right back?” Alice said, clearly asking my permission. Little Bell chose that moment to start stomping down the stairs.

“You goin’, Ewoord?” she called as she labored down the steps as quickly as her little legs could carry her.

“I’ve overstayed my welcome, Little Bell. I hope you like the music.”

“I love it! I miss you, Ewoord,” she said, running over to me and hugging my knees.

“I’ll be in touch, sweetie.”

“Okay, sweetie,” she cooed before giving me a lightening quick kiss on the kneecap and running away to the kitchen, giggling.

“Poor Jonah,” Alice laughed. “Nessie’s got it bad.” I glared at her. “Fine, Edward, I’ll be right down. Don’t leave without me.” Alice rushed up the stairs.

“I can wait outside,” I offered.

“I can walk you out.”

Fucking great. We actually were taking it outside. Seriously, I was kidding earlier. I was in no mood for his male posturing. I understood; it’s why I was leaving.

I opened the front door and stepped outside, nearly choking on the hot August air. I walked down the steps, and turned to see Jacob closing the door securely behind him. I pushed my hands into my pockets, searching for my most recent talisman against shit like this, but the paper was gone. Fuck.

“Why the hell are you in my home?” Jacob starting in, as he made his way down the front steps.

I sighed. “Bella invited me here.”

“You should have said no.” Jacob stopped about a foot away from me and crossed his arms. No, he definitely wasn’t skinny anymore, but I felt confident I could take him, if it came to that. I fucking hoped it didn’t come to that. It would be the cherry on the top of my night.

“You’re probably right,” I agreed.

“Do you make a habit of insinuating yourself into clients lives like this?”

“Get a fucking hold of yourself, kid. When I represent a friend, I most certainly meet them at their home.”

“She is not your friend,” he said through clenched teeth, pointing towards the second floor window. “She’s your doctor.”

“If you don’t want me representing Bella, then you should discuss that with her.”

I could see by the look on his face that he already had.

I couldn’t keep the smirk off my face. “I see you’ve gotten your answer.”

“She wants you because you’re a good lawyer. Don’t forget that. She has friends. She has a boyfriend, and a family.”

I sighed and shifted my weight where I stood. “What exactly are you trying to say, Jacob?”

“Just keep your hands off her, okay asshole? Anyone with eyes could see the way you leer at her. She’s been through enough.”

I tried not to smile. But I desperately wanted to tell him how Bella and I first met, how she palmed my nuts and blushed when she made me hard. He’d probably explode. He was standing there, trying to look so tough, and my heart warmed just a little.

“Listen kid, she told me how much you did for her after all that shit with James. I’m leaving. Get it?”

“And you give me this look like I did it all for you, or something,” he muttered, shaking his head, glaring at me.”

“I’m glad she has… someone like you in her life. She said you wanted to kill him. I can appreciate that.”

“I’d try, if she’d let me.”

“See, against my will, you make me like you more.”

“I almost lost them both. I won’t let anyone take them from me again.”

I didn’t know who he was talking about: James or me. I chose James. Bella wasn’t mine to take. “That motherfucker’s never going to come near Bella or Nessie. You don’t have to worry about that shit.”

Jake almost stopped grimacing. “Thanks,” he replied, but I could tell it was painful for him to say it.

Alice pushed open the front door and made her way down the steps. “You ready, big bro?”

“Sure,” I replied, turning towards my car without another word. I tried not to listen to the two of them exchange fucking pleasantries as I opened the door, started the engine, and waited for my cheery-ass cousin.

“What the hell, Edward?” Alice asked as she slid into her seat and closed the door behind her. Okay, maybe she wasn’t always cheery.

“Would you mind your business for once?” I asked, turning up the stereo too loud.

Alice immediately turned the volume back down. “What the hell happened up there?” She turned in her seat to stare at me. Why the fuck was she always staring at me?

“I guess your answer is ‘no’? You won’t mind your fucking business?”

“She’s my friend, Edward. She was practically in tears. What the hell did you do?”

“Fuck.”

I left it at that. I drove too fast and Alice shut up for once in her life. It only took about ten minutes to get to her place in Northern Liberties. I pulled up to the curb and let the car idle. I wasn’t getting out, I wasn’t going up. Fuck the goddamned perfect chair.

Alice got out of the car without a word, but hesitated before shutting the door behind her. I saw her clench her hand and she mumbled ‘idiot’ under her breath, before turning around and sitting back down.

“Listen, I get it, Edward. At least I think I do. I mean, you won’t say anything, but I still get it. But she doesn’t know you like I do. Maybe she can’t see inside your head, yet. You should talk to her; you should explain yourself.”

“I just talked to her for close to two hours.”

“Damn it. Take a minute to put your own self-inflicted torture aside, and try to imagine how hard this is for her.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Alice put her hand on my knee, and all of those irrepressible fucking feelings filled my chest again, and I felt heavy and happy and incomplete and restless and fucked.

“Don’t sabotage yourself, big brother. Give yourself a chance to be happy.”

Alice handed me a well-worn piece of paper as she stepped out of the car. “This fell out of your pocket when you were leaving her office. Bella asked me to make sure you got it back. She said it was important.

“I’ve got to go. I’ve got to call mom and tell her there’s going to be two more at the house next weekend, and I have to find a tux for the boyfriend. Night, big brother.”
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The Practice of Love