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Affairs of the Heart	By : CaptainParisStarr Category: G through L > The Infernal Devices (Series) > The Infernal Devices (Series) Views: 2984 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Infernal Devices franchise, any characters mentioned in this story, or make money, profit, or earn a living off the story.

Chapter List
- 1-Jem
- 2-Will
- 3-Colin
- 4-Jem
- 5-Will
- 6-Colin
- 7-Will
- 8-Jem
- 9-Will
- 10-Colin
- 11-Will
- 12-Jem
- 13-Will
- 14-Jem
- 11
- 12
- 13
The next morning, Jem woke up slowly, fighting against consciousness. When he finally opened his eyes, he found Will leaning over him.
“How are you feeling?” Will asked, concern clearly written all across his face.
Frowning slightly, Jem tried to figure out why Will would be so worried. His body ached in ways that told him he had gone through a withdrawal fit, but he could not remember much from the previous day.
“I...” He stopped, uncertain what to say, and he reached out for Will with his left hand, freezing when he saw the ring he was wearing. All his memories came rushing back, winding him, as he remembered that Colin was dead. “Will... tell me I was just dreaming...”
But Will said nothing, and Jem knew that Colin was truly gone. “So it is true... he really was murdered...”
“Yes, he was. Jem I...” Will broke off, glancing away, guilt replacing the concern.
“What did you do, Will, to look so guilty that you can't even meet my eye?” Jem asked, trying to tease, but the attempt failed. Will couldn't have had anything to do with Colin's death, could he? But what else could it be that Will was hiding?
“I told Charlotte about Colin...” Will whispered, and Jem actually laughed. The sound was odd, empty, devoid of humor, or bitterness, or any other human emotion, but it was still laughter nonetheless.
“Oh, is that all? I thought... never mind what I'd thought. How did she take the news that I prefer boys?”
“You're not mad at me? I broke your trust...” Will started, then broke off as it became clear that Jem did not care. “But I had to tell her... after you... I mean... Do you really want to die?” Will asked, his eyes downcast.
“Do I...” Jem suddenly remembered refusing the glass of yin fen that Will had prepared for him the previous night, and realized for the first time that Will had taken that refusal as a suicide attempt. He had to have the drug to live, and dying would be as simple as not taking it when he needed to...
But he hadn't been thinking about dying at the time, hadn't been thinking about anything really, other than stopping the pain he felt. He had just wanted the pain to go away, and something inside him had screamed that the drug would only make the pain worse.
“Did... you told Charlotte that I'm suicidal didn't you?” Jem asked numbly.
“I... not conclusively. Only that you'd refused the medicine and why. Are you?”
“I don't want to die... I didn't want to die last night, I just wanted the pain to stop...” Jem whispered. “And it has. I don't feel pain inside anymore... I don't feel anything...” Blindly scanning the room, searching for someone who wasn't there, who couldn't be there, his eyes landed on the dagger lying on his dresser. It would be so easy for him to sink the blade into his heart... He shook his head violently to clear such thoughts from his mind. Colin wouldn't want them to be reunited like that... and it wouldn't work anyway. Suicides took longer to be reborn, so odds were that they would miss each other in the next life if he jumped the gun and killed himself here and now.
Then there was Will. Jem had a sinking feeling that if he died Will would follow him, and Jem did not want to be responsible for Will's death in any way. But he knew that he could not tell Will much of what had just passed through his mind.
“I'm fine... okay, maybe not fine, but I... I know that Colin would rather have me live and be happy with someone else than take my own life to be with him.” Taking a deep breath, Jem felt some of the unnatural calm he felt crack, and he relished the pain that replaced it. Pain meant that he was still alive, no matter how hard living was. “You never did answer my question...”
“She didn't actually say anything about that part, Jem. Just expressed concern over how you were handling Colin's... death.” Jem knew that Will had meant to say 'murder' but had changed his mind at the last moment.
“She also said that she was not going to report you for courting a male mundane.” Will added a moment later.
Jem nodded, knowing he should be relieved, or grateful, or something other than the numbness he still felt inside.
At that moment there was a brief knock on the door, and Thomas entered carrying a tray loaded with bread, soup, and tea.
“Charlotte wishes to speak to you.” He told Will softly, as he placed the tray in front of Jem.
Nodding, Will left the room, but not before discretely removing the dagger from the dresser. Jem realized that Will must have seen him look at it earlier, and sighed. The fact that Will did not trust him not to do anything stupid neither surprised nor bothered him; had their positions been reversed, Jem was certain that he would do the same.
After Will left, Thomas made certain that Jem was comfortable, then he also left to attend to other duties, and Jem found himself alone for the first time since finding out about Colin's death. The image of his body haunted him, and he found himself eating without tasting anything as silent tears trailed down his cheeks.
When he was done eating, Jem tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't, so he slid out of bed and padded over to the window, after retrieving his violin. Though Colin had expressed an interest in hearing Jem play, he never had. Since Colin could not enter the institute, nor could Jem take his violin with him without arousing suspicion, there had never been an opportunity for him to share this part of himself with his lover.
He was playing when Will returned; hauntingly sad notes pouring out in no clear rhythm that Will could identify, and yet the sound was still harmonious. Will realized that Jem was playing the song of his love and loss, and just hoped that being able to express himself through music would help him heal.
After a few moments, the music slowed, then stopped entirely. “What did Charlotte want?” Jem asked casually as he returned the instrument to its case, before sitting next to Will on the bed.
“She wanted to know how you were doing. If you were still acting... suicidal. I told her no, that you're in pain, emotionally, but that your desire is to live.”
Jem nodded, glad that Will was believing him, or at least wanting to.
“Do you have any books that do not contain romance?” Jem asked a few moments later, and Will nodded. “Can you read to me? I need something to think about other than...” Jem trailed off.
“I'll be right back. Jem... Things will get better, I know they will. You will find someone else who will make you happy.” Will whispered, as he rose and crossed the room, hesitating only when he reached the door, as a strange feeling came over him. A feeling that Jem's happiness would come only at the loss of his own. Shaking it off, he left to fetch whichever book he had chosen.
When he returned he had a copy of Oliver Twist tucked under his arm. Though he had debating grabbing Alice's Adventures in Wonderland he had chosen the Dickens novel for two reasons; it had a richer story line than Carroll's work, and also because he sensed that Jem was not looking for amusement. Just distraction, and a reminder of what life truly was. The serious tone of Oliver Twist matched that need better than the frivolous adventures of Alice and her Rabbit Hole.
By this point, Jem was curled up on the bed, and Will slipped silently in beside him, and, without another word, opened the book and began reading.
Some time later, Charlotte quietly entered the room to see for herself that Jem was going to be okay. Neither boy noticed her presence at first, and she was able to observe them in a way she never had before.
Will was sitting with his back against the headboard, one leg raised to prop up the book he was reading out loud from, the other stretched out. Curled up beside him was Jem, who was using Will's knee as a pillow, his arms looped around Will's calf. His eyes were closed, and it wasn't immediately clear if he was truly listening to what Will was reading, or just enjoying the sound of his voice rising and falling rhythmically.
Then she noticed that whenever Will had a free hand, he was stroking Jem's neck and back, the same way you would pet a cat or dog. The scene seemed odd, and it took Charlotte a moment to realize why; that it was because they looked more like lovers than anything else.
Pushing the thought away, she cleared her throat, and Will glanced towards the door.
“Charlotte... I didn't hear you.” He grinned sheepishly, embarrassed that she had been able to sneak up on him, but made no attempt to push Jem away.
“I wish to speak with Jem, alone.” She spoke softly, ignoring the feeling that there was something the boys were not telling her.
Nodding, Will slid from the bed and left the room, but Charlotte knew that he wasn't going far.
“I'm sorry that you felt the need to hide the fact that you had a lover from me.” Charlotte continued, as soon as the door had closed. “I had known that something was up, that you were lying about just needing air and...” She broke off, struggling to find the right words.
“If you knew that I was lying, why didn't you say anything sooner?” Jem whispered.
Crossing the room, Charlotte sat down in the chair beside the bed. “Because I did not wish to pry. I thought that you would tell me the truth eventually if I just gave you enough space. What sort of a man was Colin?” She added, curiosity getting the better of her.
But Jem just shook his head, the pain he felt still too raw to allow him to casually talk about Colin.
Accepting Jem's silence, Charlotte decided to breach the actual reason she was there. “I need to ask you an extremely personal question. Were you and Colin sexually involved with each other?”
“Why do you need to know something like that?” Jem felt his cheeks blaze with heat, and he was unable to look her in the eye.
“Because there are certain... illnesses that can only be transmitted in that manner, and...” She broke off, also blushing.
“Oh, those. I am fully aware of that. Yes, I did have a relationship of that nature with Colin, but there was never any danger of either of us getting sick since we'd both entered into it as virgins.” Jem had to force the words out.
“Was it only Colin who you were intimate with?”
“No, there was t- one other. A boy named Andy, and after being with him I got myself checked, as did Colin. Neither of us caught anything.” Jem had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from adding the name of his third lover. Charlotte could never know about him and Will, it would break her heart and she'd have no choice but to report them.
“Are you certain?” Jem nodded though he wasn't sure if she meant his health or the number of lovers he'd had.
“I still would appreciate it if you would get yourself checked again, just to be certain. Some of those illnesses can be devastating.”
“Of course.” Jem readily agreed just to please Charlotte. As she turned to leave, he recalled something. “Wait. Yesterday, before... I found something that could be of importance to the case.” He fished into his pocket and pulled out the crumpled note that had been lying on the ground of the alley.
Taking the piece of paper, Charlotte read the brief message, which was addressed simply to The Magister. “'Abductions going as planned. Soon we will have enough to tempt him into joining our cause.' Who is this Magister?” She mused out loud, not expecting a reply. Then the symbol on the bottom of the page caught her eye, a double ouroboros.
“Thank you I believe that this will prove useful.” She did leave then, not the least surprised to find Will leaning against the wall across from Jem's door. As he passed her to reenter Jem's room, she was tempted to ask if he was Jem's lover, but decided that she didn't want to know.
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Affairs of the Heart