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Ice and Steel	By : Skullbearer Category: A through F > Dragonlance Views: 3083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own the book(s) that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
- 14
Showing that repressed pain can be the worst of all...not to mention the most explosive...

Present and Past
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for touching you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do, yes I do, yes I do.
-Just for, Nickleback
Finding Dalamar was turning out to be harder that Raistlin had first thought. The Dark elf had vanished. Raistlin had searched their house, then climbed back down to ground level.
He spent a good half hour looking everywhere for Dalamar, until one of the guardsmen told him he had last seen the Dark elf beside Crystalmir lake.
Caramon's declaration had clearly been utterly humiliating for Dalamar, so it was not surprising really that the Dark elf was avoiding everyone.
And what, in the Abyss could you expect? Raistlin thought to himself savagely, still burning with anger. If he had been Dalamar, if it had been his best-forgotten secret blared out for all of Solace to hear, wouldn't he want to pretend he didn't exist? Wouldn't he want to hide?
Raistlin felt dreadful. Gods, he was going to throttle his brother when he saw him next.
He found Dalamar sitting motionless beside the lake, hood drawn. He didn't move, although he no doubt had heard Raistlin approach.
Raistlin stepped closer; Dalamar was hunched over, legs drawn up, and arms hugging his knees close.
"Dalamar?"
"Go away." The Dark elf's voice was hoarse.
Well, that was expected, he'd want to be alone too. Raistlin sighed, he'd have left Dalamar to calm down but he wanted to apologize for Caramon's actions. He felt awful.
Raistlin dropped down on his haunches behind the Dark elf. "I'm really sorry for what happened there, I never thought even Caramon could be so stupid."
Dalamar didn't speak.
Raistlin brushed his hair back, stifling another sigh. He was never going to forgive Caramon for this. "Dalamar, please. I'm really, truly sorry. I haven't a clue how they found out but I swear I didn't tell them. Please Dalamar, I swear on the Magic I didn't tell them."
Dalamar still remained silent, although Raistlin caught the twitch of movement arrested.
"Dalamar?" He reached out and touched the Dark elf's shoulder.
And finally, Dalamar turned to face him.
The Dark elf's face was streaked with tears.
Raistlin stared. He had never seen Dalamar cry, not once in the year they had been together had the the Dark elf so much as shed a single tear.
The young mage hadn't the least idea what to do, so did the first thing that came into his mind. He slid closer, sat beside Dalamar, and put his arms around the Dark elf.
Dalamar made a stifled choking noise, then his own arms came up and embraced Raistlin in turn, burying his face in the mage's white robes.
Raistlin closed his eyes and rested his chin on Dalamar's head, feeling the elf's shoulder's shake under his fingers, shaking from suppressed sobs.
"Dalamar, I'm so sorry."
Dalamar lifted his head, his eyes were red rimmed and Raistlin's shoulder was damp.
"It's hardly your fault, I don't believe for a moment you told that idiot." Dalamar's voice was harsh and, despite the tears running down his face, grimly ironic.
"I swear I didn't."
"That's good enough for me." Dalamar rested his cheek against Raistlin's chest and closed his eyes, hands knotting into Raistlin's robes.
It was dawning on Raistlin that what had happened to Dalamar in Tarsis had not been dealt with even remotely as well as the Dark elf had wanted him to believe. All those times, Raistlin thought, all those nights Dalamar had woken in a cold sweat, those times that Dalamar's behavior had not tied into the perception he had of the strong Dark elf. Every time he had asked what was wrong and Dalamar had rebuffed him or changed the subject.
And why was he surprised? Would he have dealt better with it had he been in Dalamar's place? Would he be in any better state if he had been the one forced to sell himself in order not to starve to death?
No.
So why hadn't he seen this? Raistlin thought, feeling Dalamar hold him as if the Dark elf thought he would drown if he were to let got. Why hadn't he seen though Dalamar's flimsy evasions and guessed? Why did it wait until Caramon trampled all over the subject and he was left to put the pieces back together?
Because he hadn't wanted to know. Because he didn't want to even think of Dalamar being driven to do such a thing. Dalamar! Dalamar, who Raistlin loved like he had loved no other.
It had hurt to face the subject then- it did hurt to face the subject now!- so he hadn't pressed the point. And look where it had gotten them!
"I'm so sorry." This time Raistlin's apology had nothing to do with his brother's actions.
A muffled snort came from Dalamar and the Dark elf sat back, using the edge of his robes to wipe his face clean. He reached out and took hold of Raistlin's hand with his own.
Raistlin looked at Dalamar, surprised at how much smaller the Dark elf seemed, vulnerable, aching and hurt. Raistlin could all too clearly imagine the pain Dalamar was going through; could almost feel the pain himself, it was so palpable. The grip on his hand was more needful than comforting and Dalamar's eyes, normally glinting silver, were a dull slate gray; like rain washed stone.
'I have given you all that I am,' They seemed to say, 'Now please, help me.'
Raistlin felt his mouth twitch into a small, sad smile. He leant forwards and pressed his lips against Dalamar's, kissing the Dark elf gently.
'Do not fear, I will help you.'
Dalamar slid back into Raistlin's arms and kissed him back, one hand gently stroking along the side of the young mage's head before reaching down to caress a lock of auburn hair.
Raistlin pulled away this time, though only far enough to separate their lips before touching his forehead to Dalamar's.
"Why didn't you tell me it still hurt you?"
"Why did you not ask me why I hurt?" Dalamar's answer was as before, hoarse and ironic.
Raistlin closed his eyes. "I was afraid of the answer you would give."
"And you have answered your question."
Blue eyes snapped open, "What?" He breathed.
Dalamar sat back, his smile empty of all humor or anything else save an edge of absolute shattered despair, a bleak echo from Tarsis.
Raistlin stared. After everything, after an entire year spent together. After Kitiara, Haven, Caramon, everything. All that, and still back where they started that wet spring afternoon near Qualinesti.
Raistlin was certain he had used up his allotted amount of anger with Caramon, but he was wrong.
"A year, Dalamar. An entire year and still you don't trust me! A year in which I have never betrayed you, lied to you or even remotely misled you and still you cannot believe I will not hurt you!"
Dalamar lifted his head, and tried to speak, but Raistlin ignored him, ploughing on; "A year I spent trusting you, Dalamar Nightson. One whole year spent-"
Dalamar cut him off, snarling; no longer vulnerable, he was furious.
"Fifty years spent in Silvanesti hiding who I am from everyone around me, who would betray me in a heartbeat! Fifty years risking everything in order to have something which should have been given to me in the beginning! Fifty years lying, cheating and misleading in order to escape exile or death!"
"Two years spent in the filthiest part of Tarsis since the guards wouldn't let me into the city proper! Two years among cutthroats and murderers who would kill me for a bent copper piece!"
Dalamar grimaced, his face becoming twisted and ugly, he reached out and snagged the collar of Raistlin's robes, dragging him forward until they were face to face.
"Two years spent selling my body to those who would not only gladly leave me to bleed to death in the gutter but who would have happily wielded the knife themselves!" Dalamar hissed, face inches from Raistlin's, "Two years spent abasing myself in the foulest of ways to the foulest of peoples for a handful of coppers! Two years of rutting like a filthy animal with humanity's dregs so as not to starve! How dare you criticize me for not trusting you, Raistlin Majere! How dare you!"
Dalamar released him, breathing hard, silver eyes bright with unshed tears.
Raistlin hadn't moved, watching Dalamar with a calm that was false to the core, and he had no doubt Dalamar saw through it in a moment.
Hard to be calm when he felt as though an iron hand was twisting and crushing his heart.
Dalamar closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and, for the first time since Caramon had approached them under the Inn of the Last Home, he seemed to regain some semblance of peace.
"Now do you understand why I find it so hard to trust you?" Dalamar's voice was unsteady, but calm.
Raistlin nodded, his body felt as rigid as an iron bar and it was a wonder his neck didn't snap from the motion.
"I want to trust you, I know I can trust you. But what can one year, even spent here with you, do against decades of built in belief that nobody can be trusted?"
Raistlin closed his eyes, the hand around his heart had transformed into a claw, which was now tearing him to pieces on the inside. He blinked back tears.
Dalamar lifted a hand and rubbed his forehead, the violent emotions were no doubt retreating and they must have left a horrible migraine in their wake.
"I love you Raistlin Majere, that hasn't changed and probably will never change, but it will take a long time for me to trust you like you want me to. I'm sorry."
Raistlin nodded again, despite the warm spring air his bones ached with cold.
Dalamar leant forward and brushed the unshed tears from Raistlin's eyes, then pressed a kiss to his cheekbone.
Raistlin sighed and felt the iron tension drain out of him at the touch, the iron claw releasing his heart and melting into Dalamar's quicksilver eyes.
Raistlin raised his own hand jerkily and caught Dalamar's. The Dark elf glanced down at their joined hands, then met Raistlin's gaze, the edges of his mouth twitching into the smallest of smiles.
The two mages looked at each other, smiling sadly, exhausted by the emotional rack they had been nearly broken on.
It wasn't over, Raistlin knew. They still had the long walk back to their house to look forward to now that night had fallen, not to mention that when they got home there was Caramon and the others to take into account.
But that could wait, Raistlin thought, shifting backwards to lean against a tree stump.
That would be taken care of after they had rested and regained their composure. They were going to need it.
"And so you catch me in the end." Dalamar's murmur was so soft Raistlin could have fooled himself the elf hadn't spoken if not for the breath tickling his ear.
"What?"
"Never mind." Dalamar shook his head, smiling to himself.
The two mages sat together, hand in hand, and watched the moons rise above the Crystalmir.

Not quite the end yet, but getting there (what am I talking about? I've still got to cover 'Chronicles', 'Legends' and 'Summer Flame').

Skull Bearer.
- 12
- 13
- 14
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Ice and Steel