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Prelude	By : belladonnacullen Category: Twilight Series > Het > Bella/Edward Views: 5838 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
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I said I would try. Bella lay sleeping on her bed, twisted sheets at her feet. There was no time better than now to start. She was right. This was something I had to do before the wedding. I didn't know if it would give me faith like Bella suggested, but it would make me deserve her a little more.
I took the list from my pocket. One hundred and eight names on faded yellow paper. I never looked at it; I didn't need to, but I carried it with me nonetheless. My mind kept track better than a piece of paper ever could. Tonight I forced myself to read the names one by one, remembering each face. Robert Bessler, Frank Finley, Raymond Greenwald . . . I always found their names in wallets, newspapers, morgues.
I turned on Bella's computer and it rumbled to life like her truck. I would have to do something on both of those accounts. I tapped my fingers impatiently on her desk as I waiting far too long to connect to the Internet. She would need a modem as well. Otherwise I would never finish in time.
As I waited, glimpses of that winter flashed through my head. The deserted vacation community, the whitewashed windswept cottage, gray waves, gray sky, and sand. Our lives were coated with sand, in our mouths, in the fabric of our clothes. I would lie on my bed and count the grains of sand on the floor, and then count them as they blew in through the cracks in the window frame. Finally I was connected to the Internet. Robert Bessler. Tracing his lineage was easy enough, but tonight it would take more patience than skill. Tomorrow a new computer and modem would speed the process. I waited, and forced my mind back to that night: The Cotton Club, Duke Ellington's orchestra, my boredom, restlessness, the need to strike out on my own, and the small trickle of blood that sent me running for a back exit. That's when I met him.
He had a single grandchild, Nadine. No other surviving relatives. A credit card number was all it would take to find her address.
The worst part of that memory though, wasn't Robert Bessler; it was the girl's eyes. She offered no thanks, no shrieking, no sobbing, just quiet horror and revulsion registered on her face, mirrored back at me in her wide brown eyes. And almost eighty years later it happened again, that look that acknowledged that there was a monster in the room. The look Bella gave me that confirmed nothing had changed. It was the look that kept me away.
Nadine Bessler,
Enclosed please find this settlement for the wrongful death of your grandfather, Robert Bessler, in New York City, 1927. I deeply regret your loss.
Lusus Thriber Credit Agricole Suisse, Geneve
I emailed the letter with instructions to my accountant in Switzerland.
I looked at Bella sleeping soundly and my body ached with longing. Every movement of the life within her drew me in: the rise and fall of her chest, the quiet thumping of her heart, and the way her neck and wrists shook with the rhythm of blood through her veins. I was at her side, brushing my fingertips softly along the skin of her arm. Even with the most delicate touch her body would respond to my caress. The soft downy hairs on her arm would stand erect, as tiny goose bumps shivered, electrified.
Blood rushed to the point of my touch, as if trying to mock me. But it didn't work. What had been so unendurable only a short time ago had changed for me, gradually. She would always smell the same to me, a scent more potent and more important than my own existence. But instead of inciting bloodlust, my body hungered for new desires.
This change didn't register at first. Now, here, next to my Bella asleep on her bed, an alter in so many ways, there was just the smallest trickle of venom in my mouth. While my body was consumed with fire, it was not the burning that used to consume me from my throat down. This fire rose from the core of my being, threatening to engulf us both in its flames.
I had pushed this realization away. I had spent most of my existence mistrusting my impulses, believing them to be a subterfuge for the monster inside. Any physical reaction my body had in response to Bella's presence was suspect in my mind. I had enough reason not to trust myself. That first time, when I told myself I longed to save the girl. She knew better. I stepped toward her and she screamed. I never intended to help her. To justify myself I said that I had protected her. But the next day I found out that I hadn't done that, either.
One by one at night while Bella slept, I traced families, found surviving relatives. One by one letters were sent, simple. Each night, many of these notes were written. I regret your loss, with a donation, something to help them through this lifetime at least. Large sums of money were liquidated. For the names with no living relatives, a foundation was established in their honor, one that would fund a halfway house for rehabilitation. If a monster like myself could be rehabilitated, then certainly any changeable human could.
One by one I made my way to Bella. With each letter written another piece of the monster was behind me. With each name, with each vile death, I put space between myself and that other creature. Because those were the instincts of someone else, one that had the misguided arrogance to judge who should live and die. How little I understood then. For if anything deserved death, wasn't it me? Instead the universe had seen fit that I should find Bella. That was a grace I was only beginning to contemplate, and that might take me an eternity to fully appreciate.
One by one, the days before our wedding passed sweetly. There was new ease between us now that our darkest fears had been confessed openly. There was nothing to hide from one another. And it was a relief. It was easier to smile, and the force of my laughter surprised me. It was easier to touch Bella calmly. She was the only celestial body in my world, and I was able to circle in her orbit effortlessly. She didn't bring up the conversation on the cliff again. But the change must have been evident to her as well. I thought maybe this was why she had been so amenable to the replacement I provided her with when her truck finally expired, taking it in stride.
And each evening I came face to face with my desire. Bella held back, not pushing, as she was wont to do. Again, she was letting me find my way; find my faith perhaps. I couldn't let her know what had changed. I couldn't trust myself if she had that knowledge. Restraining myself with Bella was still the most difficult thing I had ever attempted; only now it was a different restraint.
And although this time with Bella terrified me, it was the most beautiful time I had ever spent on this earth. I loved her human body. I studied the subtle changes in the texture of her skin, her scent, and her taste as we carefully embraced. The rise of her nipples under my fingertips, the warmth and moisture between her legs, calling to me, singing just like her blood.
I wrapped myself in Bella's body; I wanted to be enveloped in her scent. I wanted to take it with me when we were apart. Instead of bringing out a monster, it was my companion in the early morning hours in front of the computer screen, keeping me focused. To bring myself closer to the creature she deserved.
But I held back, of course. There was always the possibility that I might accidentally hurt her. I held her delicately, gently, always on guard, always calculating how much a human could handle. And for that reason, there were certain urges that I denied myself. That one moment without thought was something that I desired completely, and the thing that I feared the most. For while I was driven mad with desire, and desired it more than anything, it was something I was deathly afraid of in Bella's presence. For then all my careful calculations, all of my caution could disappear. And so each night I pulled away, I held us back. But stopping like this just made it harder for the both of us.
And then one night, a week before our wedding, the list was completed. I burned it to ashes. While those names would be etched in my mind for eternity, I felt lighter, for I no longer carried them with me. I didn't know if there was a god, and if there was any absolution for something like myself, but I had finally made my penance. Was I good, like Bella believed? No, I could never concede to that. But maybe I deserved her a little bit more.
Every night I was there in her room. Every night I struggled not to smother her in my embrace. Tonight though, the list behind me as much as it could ever be, tonight felt different.
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- 13
- 14
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Prelude