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The Practice of Love	By : belladonnacullen Category: Twilight Series > AU/AR > Het > Het Views: 2642 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
- 14
BPOV
Ness was wound up like it was her birthday, or Christmas, or something big like that. As a result, it was taking twice as much effort as usual to get her to change into her PJ's, brush her teeth. And it wasn't helping matters that I felt the same way. Something big had happened for me too, bigger than Christmas and my birthday put together: I'd let go of something enormous, and I was floating, watching my life from somewhere near the ceiling. And at the same time, I was and giddy and embarrassed and confused, and hurt… and trying to act like a mom.

"Let's dance, mama!" Nessie said, jumping around the bathroom, waving her butterfly toothbrush like it was a conductor's wand, spraying me with droplets of toothpaste-y water.

"Brush your teeth, Ness," I halfheartedly admonished, as the memory of green eyes glittering in orange afternoon light flashed through my brain. He'd been so close.

I didn't use enough emphasis for Ness to catch on that I was serious. "I not wanna!" she laughed hysterically, trying to dance past me out the door. But I caught her, and placed her back on the stool in front of the sink.

She stomped her little foot. "I not wanna!"

"Ness, if you don't brush your teeth we're not going to the beach with Alice next weekend." Ness froze. Successful bribery shouldn't have felt so good, and I knew I was relying on it too much lately.

"Okay," she assented, giving me her best pouty face. "But I not wanna!"

Yep, Ness, and I don't want to monitor your dental hygiene at the moment, I'd rather lay down somewhere dark and quiet, to just be alone with my feelings. Sometimes you had to do things you didn't want to do. And sometimes it worked out for the best.

For instance: I hadn't wanted to admit to Edward what happened with James. I never talked about that time in my life with anyone: not Jake, not my mom, or my dad. Hell, Rose didn't even really know what had happened. Of course, I'd talked with officers and lawyers and therapists in Seattle, right afterwards. Those conversations were just part of the mess, one of the parts I wanted to forget. But today, I did it; I explained my darkest secrets and weakest moments to the biggest crush I'd had, ever.

And as I listened to the words come out of my mouth, I felt a weight that I didn't know I'd been carrying begin to dissolve. Because it was over. No matter that James was only fifty miles away all of the sudden; I was speaking to Edward about my past, a time that was long gone. I wasn't the same person anymore, and I wasn't just making it day-to-day anymore; I had a life. And alone with Edward in that little room in the shimmering dim light, I felt more alive, more excited, and more happily nervous than I could ever remember feeling. It meant what I'd said; it was never like that before with anyone.

But that's where it got confusing. Because even though it was my talk with Edward that had me feeling lighter than air, it was also embarrassing and hurtful. We'd sat in my office huddled on the floor, touching just a little, and he cared and he held me, and then he just left. I felt high and on fire and he couldn't even look at me, just when we seemed so close to something. Just when I thought, (and standing in the bathroom watching Ness brush her teeth I laughed a little out loud, because it was so stupid) but just when I thought he liked me, liked me.

I was an idiot. He was my lawyer. I tried to explain how I felt differently about him, and he brought up my case. He'd already told me he couldn't have a relationship, I knew he'd just broken up with that leggy blonde, and I was telling him my story so that he could keep Ness safe in court. And the fact that I sat in that chair in front of my laptop and got myself off each night to a video of him talking about vicarious liability was my problem, not his.

Now, hours later, alone in the house with Ness and Jake, I felt itchy and uncomfortable, like I'd shrunken a sweater in the wash, and was still trying to wear it afterwards. Something didn't fit. And I wanted to take off the sweater and lift the roof off the house, so I could float away on that feeling of being alive.

I followed Ness into her room and tried not to lose it as she began throwing her books out of the bookcase three at a time. "I wanna read this one, and this one, and a other one, and this one -"

"Five books, Ness," I managed, sounding somewhat authoritative.

She jumped up from the floor and kicked books aside as she sprinted across the room. "Okay! I not wanna read! I wanna listen to my pink music!" Ness went to snatch the iPod from the top of her dresser, but I picked it up just before she reached it.

"It's bedtime, Ness. No music."

"I wanna listen! It mine!" She stomped her foot again.

There had to be a good reason to say no… brain cancer, hearing loss, disturbed sleep patterns, but I was too emotionally spent to put up a much of a fight. I scrolled through the display and I felt a little lighter, and the sweater wasn't as itchy and tight. Edward was amazing, and thorough, and sweet. And he had a way of doing things that made it feel like my heart was being squeezed in a vice, even through an iPod. He had a soft spot for kids, and this mix proved that he could relate to them, in his own way. All the songs were a mix of him and Ness: what they'd like together. And he'd only met her once when he made this.

As I scrolled, I noticed that towards the end, the songs were all slow, lullabies in Edward's own indie-alterna-punk kind of way. Ness was still looking at me, finally silent, her eyes blinking concern as I held the little machine in my hands.

"Why you sad, mama?"

And for the millionth time in twenty-four hours, there were tears in my eyes.

I couldn't figure out how to answer Ness' question. Instead, I turned out her light and crawled into her bed, pulling her down with me. I smiled as I handed one of the ear buds to her, and wrapped an arm around her as I put the other into my own ear. She kissed me on the cheek and smiled a little too, finally calm, and closed her eyes.

Music, to auditory tolerance

One more little one
I'll go down, stay down
Sleep the rest of the day
Dream new music to calm down
Stay down and keep evil away
I can hear you asleep
Changing your shape
Dissolved in some dream
As a new one appears

Ness snuggled into my side and sighed in sudden half sleep, and I held her closer, letting my tears fall into her curling hair, letting her little body weight me down and keep me from floating away. The sweater was gone, the itch was soothed; I was empty and happy and lighter than air, full of the heartbreak and static and pain of being alive. And I had hope that this wasn't it; that there was more to life than I ever thought there could be; and that I'd only had a glimpse.

As I faded into warm sleep, thinking of dimly lit rooms and long limbs and the scruff of a jaw so close to my lips, a shadow fell across my eyelids, and I knew that Jake was standing in the door of Ness' room. I didn't open my eyes and I held my breath, wondering if he saw the iPod or earbuds, silently hoping he'd just walk away. And he did. The hall light went out, and I heard footsteps softly padding up to the third floor. I sighed and the smell of Ness' blueberry toothpaste-breath mixed with the smell of sunshine and musk and I was back in his arms, pressed against his chest. I held Ness closer to make sure she weighed down my body while Edward swept my consciousness away.

xXxXx

"Bells, it's Rose." Jacob's voice was rough with sleep, and he stuffed my cell into my half opened fist as I pried my eyelids open. His hair was standing at odd angles, his eyes nearly closed as he held the headboard on Ness' bed for balance as he pulled himself back to his feet.

"You left it in the bedroom. She's called twice. I figure she's just gonna keep trying," he explained, as he turned to go back to our room and back to sleep.

"Thanks," I mumbled, trying to lift myself out of the bed without waking Ness.

"Rose?"

"Sorry I bailed on you Friday, Bell."

"What time is it?" There was no clock in Ness' room.

"Oh, shit. It's just about seven. I didn't even notice."

"I'm going back to bed," I groaned.

"No, this is good! Sneak away, come get brunch."

"Brunch? It's hardly breakfast." But half-formed memories of arms and legs and shining copper hair in orange sunlight floated up from my subconscious, and a little pink iPod lay next to Ness' pillow. I needed to talk to someone, badly. "Okay. But you come to me."

"That place by your house? Fifteen minutes?" Rosalie chirped. Her excitement was almost palpable, and I was curious.

"Make it twenty," I whined a bit melodramatically. But as I hurried to get dressed in something clean and comfortable, I knew I'd be there quicker than that. Finally, I'd be able to talk this all out.

I left the house and the morning was bright and dewy; the sun was still too low on the horizon to heat the air around me, and the damp breeze was cool enough to raise goose bumps on my skin. It was a sure sign that summer was finally waning. The streets were empty, houses still closed up, porch lights still lit. The bar at the little café where I was meeting Rose was dotted with older men reading their Sunday papers, sipping their coffee. A few dazed and slightly dirty servers hung onto the walls, still half-asleep and hung over from the night before.

Rosalie sat at a table near the wall, every shining gold hair in place, wearing a pressed linen top and a little flowered skirt. When she spotted me, she smiled brightly and nearly jumped to her feet. I saw one of the waiters startle at her quick movement and I almost giggled. Rosalie might as well have been a peacock for all that she fit in here.

"You're looking chipper, Rose."

Rosalie shrugged her shoulders and tried her damndest not to smile. It came off more as a half smile, and you can imagine who that reminded me of. I'm guessing the memory of his lips did something to my own expression.

"You're looking kid of pleased, yourself." She grinned, her eyebrows raised.

I shrugged right back. I didn't know where to begin. So I decided to start with Rose.

"Emmett?" I asked, and at the sound of his name, Rosalie immediately stopped trying not to smile. Her straight white teeth shined in the light coming in from the storefront, her blue eyes twinkled.

"We talked for hours last night," she gushed as I took my seat.

"The last time you and I spoke, you hated his guts."

"Well, it's been a while."

"It's been four days," I corrected.

A waiter came by and filled my mug with coffee without even asking and dropped a menu on the table in front of me. I shoved it aside; I didn't need it.

"When I got off my shift Friday morning, he was there," Rose explained, starting right in. "Emmett was waiting by the entrance with coffee from the Wawa across the street, a Tasty Kake Koffee Kake and a chocolate foil-covered rose on a plastic stem."

"The guy's quite a charmer," I mumbled, adding cream and sugar to my coffee, praying that it didn't taste like dirt.

"Exactly, right? But he said that guys were probably hitting on me every day, and that after all of those people trying to impress me, he just wanted to do something that showed that he'd been thinking. That he thought I was different. And he thought that after working all night, I could probably use some coffee and some breakfast. And the rose just reminded him of me."

"Overly sweet and artificial?" I quipped. He'd practically used my own words, line for line. Unfortunately, I knew her well, and Rose had apparently bought it, hook, line and sinker. If I could have kicked myself, I would have.

"Hey! It was thoughtful. I have no idea how he knew when my shift was over, though. Maybe someone new in reception." That was my fault too. I was about to say something, but Rose kept right on talking.

"I always walk home mornings, but he offered me a ride, to make up for the last one, he said. His Jeep still stunk like tortoise piss, and he said he hadn't gotten the pee smell out because it reminded him of me."

I had to give it to Emmett, he'd paid close attention to our conversation. He must have seen how I reacted when he said that stuff about his Jeep smelling like Rose. He was good; a little too good. It made me nervous for her.

"And he asked if we could stop at his place, because he had something he wanted me to give to Nessie." And he was using Ness. The asshole.

"Rose -"

"And his house! Oh my god, Bell, it's beautiful! It's this completely restored Victorian duplex. And he practically lives right in my neighborhood!" I knew it was over the minute she saw the house. "So, I asked for a tour, and he offered to make some good coffee, cause the Wawa shit tasted like, well, shit," she explained, giggling. "We sat on the porch swing – he has a porch swing, just like I always wanted. What kind of single guy has a porch swing?"

"Emmett?" I offered and Rose smiled.

The kind of guy that wants to land a girl, at any cost.

"We talked, just talked, forever. For hours. And well, you know football is his life, and you know how I feel about the Eagles. But he's also into cars, just like me, and -"

"Since when are you into cars?" I interrupted.

"Hey, I am!"

I snorted and took a sip of my coffee. It wasn't bad. The waiter came by and took our orders. Of course, since he was a man, he drooled a little over Rose, but she didn't notice enough to even purposefully ignore him.

"And he wants a girl," she continued after the waiter left with his tail between his legs. "Like, one girl, or woman, or whatever. 'The one', he said. He's looking for the one!"

I tried to remember mentioning to Emmett that Rose was in it for that one guy, but I didn't remember saying anything along those lines. It made him all the more diabolical and dangerous. He could really hurt her. This was going too far.

"Rosalie, he doesn't want the one, he wants every one: me, you, that other girl he was seeing on Sunday, hell, probably Ness when she's of age."

"That's a shit thing to say, Bell," Rosalie growled, pushing her chair back from the table.

"Okay, I take back Ness, but I stand by everyone else."

"Do you even want to hear the rest?" she huffed, folding her arms across her chest.

"There's more?"

"Please don't hate him, Bell. This could be serious. And you're my best friend."

"I just worry that he's playing you, Rose. After Royce -"

"Emmett is nothing like that scumbag!"

I chose not to comment. Sure, there was something about the way Emmett spoke about Rose at his parents' house that made me want to help him, for a minute. But the minute was over, and I worried that Emmett was just after Rose because she was the only woman that had ever turned him down. Except me. Right. Hmm.

"We were talking and I was getting tired, and the mug slipped from my hands, and I spilled hot coffee all over myself. I was a mess. He offered to wash my scrubs."

"Oh, Rose, no!"

"It wasn't like that. I changed into one of his old Eagles Jerseys."

"I don't know if I want to hear this."

"He's renovated his third floor into one big master suite, with a fireplace and exposed brick and a bathroom with one of those enormous sunken tubs, and a glass enclosed shower, and a deck off the back. And a huge bed, of course."

"La, la, la," I chanted, and the waiter gave me a stupid look as he brought our breakfast.

"It wasn't like that. He let me take a nap while he washed my things. I just napped."

"You know how many women have probably enjoyed those accommodations?"

She ignored me. "And when I woke up, I was a little confused, at first. He'd just left me up there, with a glass of water and the shades closed and a little nightlight on, of all things. And it was sweet. Really sweet. I found him in the living room, and that's when he really looked at me, and it was a little more than sweet. One thing led to another…"

"You didn't!"

"Well, no. His asshole cousin walked in the front door and laughed at us."

"His cousin?" I choked.

"Yeah. Some pretty-boy in an expensive suit, grinning and chuckling like he'd frikkin' won the lottery."

"He caught you… doing it?"

"Jesus, Bell, what kind of a slut do you think I am? We were, whatever, we weren't doing that. Yet."

"Rose!"

"The jerk apologized, but I'll never forget that crooked little smirk. What the hell? We're all adults, right?"

"So that's how you met Edward."

"How do you know his cousin's name?" she asked, looking up from her eggs Benedict.

"Umm -"

"The guy's such a dead beat," she continued, not giving me a chance to answer. "He's, like, a grown man and he's living in his cousin's study. And get this: Edward's ex-girlfriend and her sister set up this whole big fundraiser for his firm, or something. His ex has an event planning business, I think. Anyway, she did all this work on his thingy, and then he went and told her and her mother not to come."

I spent a couple of seconds trying to connect the dots: the fundraiser, Tanya, Katie, the mom with the accent, until something struck me. "Wait, how do you know all this?"

"His ex's sister, Katie, came by to talk to Edward about it. To try to get him to change his mind."

"And all four of you chatted about it?" I may have just met Edward, but I knew him a little better than that. He'd never air his dirty laundry with Rose, probably not even with Emmett.

Rose looked sheepish. "He was talking about it with Katie on the back porch, and I was checking on my scrubs in the laundry room. It was all so Days of Our Lives, I got pulled in, and I listened a little longer than I should have." But Rose's sheepishness was quickly replaced with something more tough and self-righteous. "But, can you imagine the balls that asshole must have?"

I coughed and took a sip of water. Balls, indeed.

"He spent five years with some chick, then walked out on her, then told her not to come to the thing she put together, for him! Some men, huh?"

"Huh." It was all I could find the will to say. I felt awful for Edward, and surprisingly jealous, and I was trying hard not to jump down Rose's throat. This was not the way I wanted to bring up my feelings with her.

"How do you know him?" she asked innocently, between bites of her runny eggs. "Was he at the barbecue?"

"Yeah," I agreed, tucking into my omelet.

"You're pretty quiet all of the sudden. Am I forgiven for finally liking a guy?"

"Uh huh." I took another sip of coffee.

"Bell, what is it?"

"Nothing," I sighed.

"You obviously haven't enrolled in those lying classes yet." She laughed a little and it smarted. I had another sudden flash of jealousy. How come Rose could just jump into something with some idiot that was probably playing games just to get into her pants? And where did she get off talking that way about Edward?

I felt my jaw clenching as I swallowed my food, and waves of irrational anger began pouring out of me, threatening to pull me under. I gripped my utensils for dear life, feeling certain that this must be how Ness felt right before she threw a tantrum.

"Bell, talk to me." Rose leaned over the table and tried to grab my hand, but I pulled it away. Unfortunately, I pulled the fork with it, and was rewarded with a grease stain on my lap.

"Eh-dward." I hopelessly rubbed at the stain with a napkin. My skirt was probably ruined. My anger was threatening to turn to tears. And I didn't want to cry again.

At first Rose didn't understand. "Wha -?" But I watched as the realization dawned and her eyes widened. "Holy fucking shit!" The waiter across the room jumped again, the old men at the bar peered over their papers. "Get the fuck out! Eh-dward? Edward. Fuck! Of course."

I took a sip of my water.

"Well, that makes your little problem a lot easier, don't you think? He's a dick, Bell. Fantasy over – right?"

"He's not a dick, Rose."

"Did you hear what I just told you?"

"You don't know the whole story." I tried to stay calm.

"Oh, but he explained it all while you palmed his balls?"

"No." I sighed again, and tried to find the right place to start. "I met his ex, and her mom. They can't be at his fundraiser. They'd ruin everything. He's put his life into this organization." Edward hadn't told me that part, I knew it from his interview with the Inquirer. Stupid Google search.

"Wait. I'm a little lost here. What have you been keeping from me, Bell?"

"Edward is my patient, and he was at the barbecue. Ness and I gave him a ride home when you and Emmett stranded him at the barbecue. And… he's my lawyer."

"You're serious?"

"Jake found him. I didn't even know he was a lawyer. But he's the best family law attorney in the city."

A knowing smile spread over Rosalie's face. "And that would make you Erin Brokovich, wouldn't it? Here you are, preaching to me, and you're going after your patient, and your lawyer, all rolled into one."

"It's not like that. He just got out of a relationship, and I have a boyfriend!" Seriously, someone had to start thinking about Jake. "And he's not a dick. He probably laughed when he saw you guys because we had this bet about you and Emmett. We thought I won, but when he walked in on you, well, really he won the bet after all. And he didn't even say anything to me. See, he really is nice."

I took a few deep breaths after my little speech. I thought it should have changed everything, but when I looked back at Rose, she was pissed, to say the least.

"Isabella Swan! First of all, I'm going to momentarily forget that you were betting with one of your patients about my sex life. But don't worry; I'll get back to that gem a little later. Secondly: Do you hear yourself? This has got to be one of the most convoluted doctor patient relationships that I've ever heard about. This isn't you, Bell. You don't do shit like this. What would an ethics panel say about this? Any of it?"

She was right. Forget that happy little bubble from before that I'd been floating around in. My feet hit the ground. I'd been fooling myself.

"Rosalie, this guy's different."

"But you're not, Bell. I don't want to see you screw everything up for a fantasy. You should find a new lawyer."

"I don't want to."

"You know what that means, then. Doctor/patient, attorney/client. Listen, I made this mistake before. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm just saying that you should learn from what I've done wrong. You've got too much on the line here."

And Rose was right, and Edward was right. He walked away. I'd made a fool of myself.

Rose paused and tried to grab my hand again. This time I let her. "So, girl's night?" she asked, trying to act all carefree in an attempt to change the subject.

"I can't this week. Jake's going fishing with my dad and Billy. I've got to watch Ness."

"But Alice has everything planned!"

"Alice?"

"Emmett's sister. I know you guys have met. She practically talks about you and Nessie nonstop. It's almost like she's in love with you two."

Somehow, I wasn't surprised that Alice was also over Emmett's house Friday night.

"What exactly does Alice have planned?"

"A spa night. She even has Vanessa booked for a mani-pedi and a haircut. She worked it out so we all kind of cycle through watching Nessie, while the rest of us get all primped for the beach."

"The beach?"

"You know: next weekend, Cape May?"

"You're going, Rose?"

"Emmett asked me."

"Right. Of course." I tried not to let that information make me bitter. I should be happy for her. Maybe Emmett was sincere. Maybe. But something was off about the timing for all of this. I was trying to figure out when Alice had made these plans, when my phone buzzed.

It was a text from Jake asking me to bring him home some coffee; a subtle hint that maybe I should get going. I was quiet as we settled the bill and I picked up a coffee to go at the counter.

"Bell, we're okay, right?" Rose asked, as we stepped out onto the hot sidewalk. I'd only been inside the café a little over an hour and the morning was already sizzling. August in the city was getting annoying. It would be nice to get to the shore, and it would be great to have all that hands on help with Ness. With Alice and Esme around, it would almost be like a vacation. And I'd have the chance to see Rose and Emmett in action, to see if he could keep his eyes and hands from roving.

"Sure, Rose. Some things are just hard to hear."

"We look out for each other, right?"

"We do," I said, as I hugged her good bye. I had a crazy week coming up, and I knew I wouldn't have much time to talk with Rose until Friday. Dr. Cullen had agreed to look into electronic charting, on the condition that I was the one to spearhead the entire process. And I hadn't even started getting Ness ready for pre-school. With the beach taking up three weekend days, that shopping was going to have to get done before Labor Day.

"Friday then?" I asked.

"I'll see you Friday, Bell."

I breathed a sigh of relief as I left Rose climbing into her car. (Yeah, right, she was all about cars. She drove a black BMW, and I'd never heard her whisper a word about it.) I had a ten-minute walk back to the house, and I needed the time to think.

On some level, I knew that what Rose was saying was true. That was no lawyer client interview yesterday. I'd been through those before with my first attorney. I hadn't held Lydia's hand and rested my head on her shoulder, I didn't tell her how I felt about being pregnant, and I never alluded to myself role-playing in an X-rated cowgirl fantasy. And I never felt as safe with her as I did with Edward.

Truthfully, I didn't know what the hell had happened in my office. It was comfortable and peaceful, and completely stimulating, all at once. And it ended with my lawyer telling me he 'liked me, liked me,' and walking out on me. It ended with him kneeling on the ground and talking to my baby like she was the most precious thing in the world, but not even being able to look at me. It ended with my prescription falling out of his back pocket.

He'd been carrying it with him.

The little paper was folded and re-folded and a little worn around the edges, and I picked it up off the floor and sent Ness downstairs. I sat down in the chair he'd sat in, the chair I'd been sitting in each night, and I opened my laptop, and clicked on the folder where I kept his video. I knew more about the application of civil law and vicarious liability to custody cases than any layperson should. I unfolded the little paper, and I glanced at the frozen image of Edward on the screen, his large hands grasping the lectern – the same large hands that had just been holding me as he let me let go of my past. You could see the hint of his biceps even through his suit jacket, and all I wanted was to crawl into those arms and lay there. Give me days; I'd take days.

And I wanted to let him know what he'd done: he'd made me happy. So, I'd added another bullet to his list:

Letting go (thank you for that)

But I guess he'd known what I wasn't willing to admit; that all of those feelings were misplaced. And now I was afraid of what his walking out like that meant, afraid he'd fire me, afraid I'd never see him again. He'd asked to be my friend, he told me there could never be more than that, even before he was my lawyer. Rose and Emmett had given me an in, and I intended to take the one opportunity I had to let him know that I got it. Friends. Right.

Friends. Keep telling yourself that, Bella. Friends.

xXxXx

"Bella, we need to talk."

My stomach sank into my toes. Jake was sitting in the living room, waiting with a half eaten bagel in his hands. I didn't want to talk. I'd already been through too much with Rose. "Where's Ness?"

"Where else? Tormenting Jess and Jonah. Jess is taking them to a movie."

I flopped down on the couch and curled my legs underneath myself, handing Jake his coffee without another word. I looked down at my bloated belly, full of omelet, thick cut turkey bacon, orange juice and discord. Even though Rose's straight talk had my feet replanted firmly on solid ground, my head was still floating a little. I wanted to lie down.

"I've kind of been an ass," Jake said, as I felt his black eyes trying to meet mine.

"What?"

"I'm jealous that he gets to help, and I don't."

I smiled a little. That was easy. How I felt, deep inside; that was the hard part, the part that embarrassed me, the part I wasn't ready to let Jake know. "You help every day. You helped more than I could ever repay."

"I didn't help you for a hand-out, Bella. I never asked to be paid back."

And it struck me hard and fast, like lightening. All these years, had I been paying him back?

"And that's a good thing. With everything you've done for Ness and me, you'd cost about ten times what I'm paying my lawyer. I couldn't afford that shit."

"Your lawyer," he laughed bitterly.

"Don't start in with Edward, Jake. He's done nothing wrong. He just wants to help."

"Why?" he growled. I finally glanced up and saw the hostile challenge in my boyfriend's eyes.

"It's not what you think." He walked away from me. "I helped him." He couldn't even look at me. "And it's his job." I'd made a fool of myself.

"Is that really what you think?"

I nodded my head, afraid my voice would break if I admitted out loud that Edward didn't want me that way, afraid my internal voice would get mixed up with the things I'd spoken out loud.

Jake smirked. "Sometimes you're naïve, Bells, you know that? How come you don't think men want you? How come you don't know how sexy and beautiful you are?"
I shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his dark eyes.

"Listen, Bells, I understand that all of this crap with James is going to mess with both our heads. But I don't want James to come between us. Things haven't been the same ever since Victoria stopped by your work, and I get it, but it doesn't have to be like that. We're facing this situation together."

Jake had scooted closer on the couch, and he rested his large hand on my thigh. I felt what he wanted in the tension of his limbs and the pressure of his fingertips. It had been over a week, a long time, even for us.

"The movie's not over until three," he murmured, his lips brushing the top of my head.

"Jake…"

"Bells…" He brushed my hair to the side, and I felt his lips against my neck, and his hand inched higher up my leg, his other hand knotted in my hair. All I could think about was how stupid I'd been. Because even now, I wanted Edward, even after he'd walked out on me. I wanted him so badly, and it was so wrong.

Jake misread the way my breathing changed and moved his hand to my breast. He untangled his hand from my hair, and wrapped his arm around me, holding me close, pushing me down. And I felt warm, and secure, and safe. Until yesterday, I'd never felt safer with anyone. One afternoon shouldn't have changed things so completely. But it did. And I took Rose's advice, and I pretended: that they were his arms, his lips, his hands, the subtle zip of his fly, and I pressed my eyes closed, and pressed my body against his.

Afterwards, my cheeks were damp, and Jake's arms were still around me, his hands digging uncomfortably into my back as we lay sprawled over the couch. I could feel each hot breath against my neck, as he kept his face buried in my hair next to my head.

"Did you always 'like me, like me'?" I whispered.

"What?" he chuckled breathlessly.

"Did you… sorry, forget it."

Jake picked his head up to look into my eyes, holding my face in his hands. "Bells, I've always loved you. Like breathing, I just did it; it was instinctual. And I always admired you, looked up to you. From the way you kicked out your feet to swing by yourself when I was in kindergarten, to the way you'd jump off those cliffs into the strait in high school, more gutsy than any of those other dudes you were hanging out with. You were strong and fearless and I couldn't get enough."

"I wasn't fearless when you found me in Seattle."

"You were still fearless, and thickheaded," he laughed, tracing the outline of my cheek with his fingertip. "You always thought you could do it on your own. And sometimes, you can't."

I looked over Jake's shoulder, feeling tired and trapped and used. There was no tingle, there was no fire, and my happiness had faded to a jangly dream-like memory. Jake was saying all the right things, but it didn't have the same effect those two little words had on me the night before.

All Edward had said was, "I do." And how did the possibility that Edward might 'like me, like me,' mean more to me than a lifetime of love? And the weight of how wrong I was pressed on top of me along with Jake, until I was struggling for breath. I was wrong. But I needed my lawyer, and I needed to tell him I was sorry, and I needed to try being right.

xXxXx

I was sitting in my office, in the chair. Ness was asleep, and Jake was downstairs. I held a business card in my hand. He'd said I could call anytime, but I couldn't trust my voice. I could just hear the way I would babble and I'd probably say something equally as dumb as last night.

B: You won the bet. Emmett is diabolical.

I sat still, waiting, my foot tapping impatiently against the floorboards. Cars passed by outside the window, a couple strolled down the street pushing a baby carriage. I noticed that it was time I dusted the bookshelves.

E: Thank fucking christ you don't use text speak.

I jumped a little in my seat and my heart began pounding, like getting a text was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. My fingers shook just a little as I texted him back. Four words:

B: You owe me lunch.

My heart kept up its unlikely rhythm as I held my breath, waiting.

E: I can't.

And my heart stopped and my stomach dropped. Those two words meant a million times more than my four. Everything I did was inappropriate, and he knew it. I was a hair's breadth away from losing my lawyer.

B: We should talk.

Time stood still.

E: About your case?

I tried not to get angry, I tried not to let anything Rose said about Edward influence my emotions. He wasn't exactly being an ass. He was just trying to be professional, while I was making it impossible for him. But I wanted to make myself clear.

B: Remember what you said about our un-date when I dropped you off at Emmett's?

There was a longer pause this time. The seconds ticked by and I considered calling him. I rubbed my hands over my thighs and rehearsed what I would say. But my phone buzzed, and I didn't have to call.

E: Yes.

B: Ditto, then. I know what I'm capable of.

E: And you like my company, a lot?

He remembered the conversation, all right. He remembered word for word. And I sighed and relaxed in the chair. Maybe this would work.

B: :) I do.

E: Text speak creeping in. Watch yourself.

B: A :) is not text speak.

E: Same difference.

B: Anyway, right now, I'm fucked.

It was the last reason he'd given for not asking me out on a date. I was using his words right back at him. There was another long pause, and I wondered if he got it. I felt the same way he did, I think. I couldn't deny how I felt when I was with him, but I knew there was no way we could have a relationship. Hell, forget a relationship, we couldn't even have a date.

E: I wish I'd heard you say that.

That reply was … surprising.

B: Have lunch with me.

E: You forgot the last part of my closing argument.

B: ?

E: And Jake's a lucky man.

Edward was so good, better than I was. Jake and Edward deserved one another. Too bad they weren't gay. They were both better than I was.

B: So, not a date?

E: In court most of the week. Thursday?

B: I only have 30 min. for lunch.

E: I'll pick you up at noon.

B: ttyl

I giggled, waiting.

E: Don't ruin it now, B.

B: Night, E.

E: Night.

xXxXx

The door was already open by the time I walked around to the passenger side of the car. He was wearing sunglasses, and I shuddered at the sight of his long limbs and broad shoulders in a suit, the way his chest subtly strained against his shirt, the way his hair was always a beautiful mess. It took some serious courage to climb into his car.

Edward smiled. God, he was gorgeous. "Thirty minutes?" His voice was full of regret, I was sure of it.

"That's all I've got. Sorry."

"Not a problem." He drove away too fast, only slowing for stops signs, racing to beat yellow lights. His smile was irrepressible, and I watched with wonder as he easily shifted gears. His hand gripped the gearshift, so close to my knee, and I ached, and I wondered if I could make this right.

"I thought you'd have a sports car," I mumbled as he pulled onto Kelly Drive.

"Why?" He looked almost like a little boy, proudly breaking the rules.

Because you drive one in my dreams. I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it would be out of character."

"Not entirely," he laughed a little self-consciously, revving the engine and peeling out as a stoplight light turned green. "It's an undercover sports car," he laughed, and I couldn't remember ever seeing him this carefree, this happy.

He turned on the stereo, and the music was shouty and loud and it was perfect.

fire is motion.
work is repetition.
this is my document.
we are all all we've done.
we are all all we've done.
we are all all defenses.
fire is motion.

In three minutes we were on the edge of Fairmount park, parked by the river and the bike path and flowers and geese. College kids on the crew team were rowing past, and businessmen were eating sandwiches and talking on their cells.

It was cooler here, even though it was just a few minutes from downtown. Edward rolled the windows down and a breeze blew through the car, and he passed me a plastic bag.

"Lunch." There was a hint of amusement in his voice.

I opened the bag, and unwrapped something in wax paper. It was enormous: a whole wheat roll full of shredded gray-brown stuff, covered with yellow-orange melted goop. "What's this?"

"A vegan cheese steak. It seemed fitting seeing as how I ate a real one for you." Edward's voice practically hummed with satisfaction. He was grinning from ear to ear.

"I never asked you to eat a cheese steak," I protested.

Edward shrugged and looked out his window towards the boathouses that dotted the riverbank. I shook my head and took a bite of the sandwich. It tasted like vegetable oil and yeast and onions. The fake meat was disarmingly chewy, and the fake cheese was slimy. It was awful.

I choked a little and he chuckled, and handed me a bottle of unsweetened tea.

"Were you a vegetarian when you ate that hoagie at my office?"

He shrugged his shoulders again, and turned to look at me, taking off his glasses. My heart fluttered as the sun caught the golden flecks in his green eyes.

Remember that you're not capable either, Bella. This is not the right time.

"Not in so many words. But, for all intents and purposes, I guess I was. Or am. I don't know." He pulled a salad out of another bag, and started stabbing at it with a plastic fork.

"So you don't eat meat? Is it for ethical reasons?"

"It's complicated, maybe. Or not at all. I don't know." He chewed fast, and I felt like he was making sure not to look at me. Or maybe that's what I wanted to think.

"Would you tell me?"

He put his fork down. "You want to hear that shit?"

"I just want to understand you… as a friend and a lawyer," I quickly added.

"It might take longer than," he checked his watch, "than twenty-two minutes." And the sight of his wrist as he tugged up the edge of his shirtsleeve made my mouth water and made me dream of tugging that shirt too, right out of his pants.

"I'll take what I can get."

Edward smiled, and he looked like he did in my office when we were acting like kids: shy and excited. But the glimmer of happiness dimmed almost immediately, and I worried about what I'd asked. I held onto the sandwich in my lap, instead of his hands. But it didn't stop me from looking at those long fingers and well-manicured nails.

"Changing my diet was a way to control something, to put some order in my life. But, as a physician, I'm sure you know that already."

"I guess."

"After my mom died, my dad started drinking, again. He… let things go." And there were the words I'd written on his prescription, thrown back in my face. And the sinking feeling in my stomach grew worse. "Everything, he let everything go, I guess. That's when I started caring what I ate, what my room looked like. My nails. My grades had to be perfect."

"You were so young."

"I was seven. It made me feel better. Things made more sense that way."

"You've been that meticulous about your diet since you were seven?" I didn't mean to sound accusatory; I was just overwhelmed for him.

"Not entirely. There were a couple of years after my dad died where I didn't give a shit about anything. It was like I had no reason for any of that shit anymore. But my OCD tendency was the only thing that had kept me together. I would have eaten anything, I was too fucked up to care."

"What changed?"

"Alice found me. After walking out on Carlisle and Esme, they took care of me and took me back. Tanya held my hand and told me she didn't want me to die. Alice brought me stuff she knew I'd like, all the time. So, I went back to what I knew. It kept me alive the first time. So, the second time around, I gave up more… everything. I worked to keep myself healthy, to stay alive, to deserve my family. I went back to school. I tried to be perfect for them, and it almost worked."

"Almost?"

He'd been staring at the river as he spoke. But, with my question, he turned his body toward mine. He looked calm, and he smiled and it was warm. And I felt my body begin to come to life. "I found a doctor that told me I wasn't happy. And she was right."

"No one told you that before?"

"I never wanted to listen. I'd never felt good enough to think I could be… happy. I never felt close enough to it, and I never saw a reason to want it."

I knew that if there ever was a time to speak, this was it. This could go one way of the other, and I was here to make this right.

"Edward, I wanted to see you, because I want to be clear. Some of the things I said on Saturday were wrong. You… you, well… I'm so grateful to you, for the attention you've given to my case. And, Ness loves you to death. We have a connection, but I'm trying not to confuse things. Please, don't hold it against me. I'm sorry."

Edward's smile became strained, and he glanced at his watch. "I need to get you back to the office."

That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. Somehow, I'd done it wrong again.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath. I watched as Edward's hands tightly gripped the steering wheel and he closed his eyes.

"What?" I asked, nervously.

"With you here, I suddenly feel the fucking need to impose rules in my car as well, otherwise there's no telling what might fucking happen."

I knew he was talking about swearing, but I didn't quite get it. Unless he was flirting again, after everything I'd just said. But it seemed much more intense than that.

"So, I can't bring anything in here that might stick to the seats?"

Edward looked across the car at me, and his eyes glittered mischievously, and the space between us sizzled to life, and I knew he was thinking about syrup and swearing, all at once. And so was I. I laughed, at first nervously, and so did he, and his laughter was deep and musical and sexy. His body shook and his hair fell into his face. We laughed side by side until my sides hurt, and a glop of slimy fake cheese fell out of what was left of my sandwich, and onto the leather seat of Edward's car.

The artificial orange stood in sharp contrast to the black seat. We both moved to wipe it away with our fingers, but I got there first. His fingers were a close second, and they closed over mine. He stopped laughing, but the smile was still there as he grasped my cheesy fingertips. I saw his Adam's apple bob as he quickly brought my fingers to his lips. So soft and wet, and he slipped his lips around the tip of my finger, all warmth and suction, and lightening erupted under my skin, and between my legs.

Before I knew it, it was over. Edward was pressing my hand into the leather of the car seat. It was almost like it didn't happen, except the cheese was gone, and my fingertip was damp, and that's not the only thing that was damp. I pressed my thighs together, and Edward shifted his weight where he sat, let my hand go, and turned on the ignition without another word. We drove the three minutes back to the office in crackling electric silence, me staring at my hand the entire time, trying to memorize the feel of his lips, the tip of his tongue.

He'd hardly touched me, but he'd touched every inch of my body all at the same time. I still felt it. And having Jake's lips touch me everywhere had never felt like that. And, in that moment, I knew they never would. I knew that as amazing and selfless as Jake had been, I'd never felt with him the way I felt sitting in this car with Edward. Sure, he was my lawyer, and neither of us was in the position to date, but that wasn't the point.

I understood what I had to do. I didn't know how I'd get the words out, but I had to. It was only fair. I'd made a decision I didn't even know I was contemplating. I had to break up with Jake.

"Thanks for lunch," I offered, as Edward pulled up alongside the curb in front of his uncle's office. My eyes were still on my hands, but they drifted to my lap, then to his lap, and I could feel myself blushing. I knew I had to get out of that car quickly.

But Edward placed his hand over my arm, and there was no way I could have moved.

"My entire family has been relentless about getting me to the shore this weekend," he said. He seemed to be talking to the steering wheel. He wasn't looking at me. "They always are, of course, but this is the first year I feel bound to turn them down."

"Don't," I breathed.

We finally looked at one another, and my soul started singing. It was one of those moments where nothing else mattered except his hand on my arm, his eyes looking into mine.

"No?" he asked, and his voice trembled in the air, reaching for me, running over me. "You can do this, then? Friends? Clients? Whatever?"

"I have no choice, do I?"

"You always have a choice." And it may have been the first time that ever occurred to me.

"Edward?"

And he reached for me with his eyes again; they held me, they brought my body to life, made it sing. And I would have been content to sit there with him, just looking. But there was something I needed to say before I left. "I don't know if he let everything go. Your father, I mean. He held on too tight, don't you think?"

Edward's smile disappeared, but his green eyes grew more intense. "You're right again, doctor."

"I'll see you this weekend?"

"Get back to work, Dr. Swan. I wouldn't want to get you in trouble with your boss."

xXxXx

When I returned to the office, Shelly handed me a message from Jake. Jess would watch Nessie until I got home from work. He had dinner plans with Paul. He'd see me when he got home.

When he got home.

So I waited. I put Ness to bed and waited with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I waited on the same spot Jake and I last had sex. It served as a reminder that what I was doing was right. I tried to tell myself that maybe there was no one to blame. Maybe it wasn't my fault. Maybe this would have been the natural end of things.

But as the minutes wore on, I found it harder and harder to convince myself. Because if I'd never felt Edward's lips on my finger, I don't think I would have been waiting here on the spot where Jake's touch had done nothing but make me cry. Just thinking about Edward, it all came to life again: the need to touch him, the immediate spark when I did, the smiles, his smile and mine, and I knew it was me.

And as the minutes turned to hours, I became certain that Jake knew it too. After everything that happened this past week he was out later than I could ever remember him being.

But I waited, because it was time. Even though he'd be fishing with my dad and Billy tomorrow, even though they'd probably think I was awful and selfish. Even though everyone back in Forks would probably whisper about how I brought Jake so far from home, only to push him away. Still, I waited. I told myself that it was because I was being selfless. Now that I'd made my decision, I wanted him to be the first to know. I owed him that much.

But midnight passed, and then one, and then two. I fell asleep sometime just before three a.m. And I was woken up by a beer-smelling kiss on my forehead at five. I blinked, and Jake looked like shit. "The airport van is here," he said, slurring a little.

"Jake, what the hell?" He'd never done anything like this before.

"Do you love me, Bells?"

"Of course." Those words were true. They were easy.

"That's what I needed to here. Stay safe. I'll be back in a few days. I hate leaving you like this. Sorry about last night."

And a car horn honked outside, and I didn't have the time to break up with him. Four years would take more than four seconds to unwind. And Jake pressed his beer-y lips against mine. His lips were chapped and rough, and it wasn't the same at all. It wasn't even close. And I felt hollow and guilty, and wanted to tell him to stay and take another flight. But I didn't. I was a coward. And with a hug, Jake was gone.

xXxXx

Edward's Evolving Prescription:

Isabella M. Swan, M.D.
Fairmount Family Medicine
2428 Fairmount Avenue
Philadelphia, PA 19130
Phone: (215) 555-5595 Fax: (215) 444-4494

Rx:
Joy:
Indulgent food, in moderation,
Music, to auditory tolerance,
Family, as needed,
Procreation (or the practice thereof), always using proper precautions.
Comfortable and durable footwear.
Letting go (thank you for that)

*******************************************************************************************************************

A/N: Little One is by Elliot Smith, the lyrics aren't mine… Likewise, Oh Messy Life is by Cap 'n Jazz, also not mine.

Ugh. I know. Who ever thought I'd write about Jake and Bella having sex? My beta's got the week off, so sorry if there were typos everywhere... Thank you so much for each and every review! Until next week, M
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The Practice of Love