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Cowardice	By : saucyminion Category: G through L > Lord of the Flies Views: 17460 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Flies, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Part 14 – A Letter II

    The car was new, which meant it was very, very quiet. The radio was off, the windows were rolled up, and neither of the men had spoken to each other since they left the house. Ralph knew he needed to say something, but he did not yet know what. He had considered sitting in the back seat, but chose to sit in the front passenger seat beside Jack. Resting his elbow against a groove on the door, his hand under his chin, he watched out the passenger window. The sun was dimming and the sky was thickening with heavy, grey clouds. The weather had been too beautiful for too long. London was due for a storm.
    “This changes things,” Jack said.
    Ralph tried to look at him but couldn’t. “Yeah,” he said. “I know.” Ralph needed to bring up the bookshop, in case Jack didn’t know how. “I won’t have trouble getting a new job, so don’t feel bad.” It was a lie. It was impossible to find a job. “You don’t have to sack me, I can just quit.”
    “I’ll write you a good letter of reference,” Jack assured.
    Ralph was, admittedly, a little startled by the prompt response. He leaned back in his seat and began watching out the front window.
    “I’m sorry,” Jack added sincerely.
    “It’s all right, I understand.”
    “Tomorrow I’ll give you the pay you’ve earned. I don’t have it on me now.”
    Ralph nodded. He didn’t want to accept it but he had to. “And don’t worry about a letter of reference, I know you can’t really say anything.”
    “I’ll do whatever helps.”
    “I don’t need a letter from you.”
    Jack sighed audibly and said nothing.
    Ralph didn’t care about the job. He couldn’t think about it. He was thinking about something Jack said earlier. It was still sticking with him. “Can I ask you something?”
    Jack sucked in a breath. He knew what it was about. “I won’t try to stop you.”
    “When you said… you said something about… it was easier than you’d expected?” Ralph felt his heart quicken slightly.
    Jack wrapped his fingers a little more tightly around the steering wheel. “What’s your question, Ralph?”
    Ralph wasn’t sure. “How long had you been planning to… do that?” He couldn’t say it.
    Jack watched the road intently. “I shouldn’t have said that. But I guess, since I did say it…” He thought for a moment. “Are you sure you don’t want me to pull over before we get into this? You may decide to leap from the vehicle.”
    Ralph sensed the desperate, humorous tone. He felt guilty for putting Jack in an uncomfortable situation, but he knew that Jack was equally guilty for putting himself there. “I think you’re making it out to be worse than it is,” Ralph said. “Can you just tell me?”
    It took a few moments before a response. “I think I decided that I would… try… around the time we started dinner.” Jack looked over at Ralph briefly. “But I didn’t think I would actually do it. I had no idea it would happen. If I hadn’t been drinking… if you weren’t… if you weren’t so…”
    Ralph could feel colour coming to his cheeks. “That’s why you let me drink so much.”
    When Jack responded, his voice low. “Yes. I know I shouldn’t have. I knew the whole time that it was wrong of me…”
    “It just seems to me an awful lot of trouble you went through just to… to put your mouth on my face.” Ralph was appalled by the awkwardness with which he spoke.
    Jack’s tone became frustrated. “Ralph, don’t you understand what happened?” He looked at Ralph for a moment in frustration before turning his gaze back to the road.
    Ralph mustered up all his courage to speak the words that followed. “We were drinking, and we kissed.” He tried to keep his voice even and unfaltered, but hearing himself speak those words was difficult. “That’s all that happened.” Ralph’s blood rushed instantly. “Right?”
    “Yes, that’s all. You say it like it’s nothing.” Jack paused, seeming to consider what Ralph had said. “It’s not as simple as that. It was my fault. Because I… I wanted it. And I let you drink. I allowed it to happen.”
    “And is that so terrible?” Ralph moved his hand to cover his mouth. He was talking like an idiot and he didn’t know what he hoped to prove by speaking that way. He looked down at his shoes and let his hands fall into his lap.
    “Of course it is!” He shot a glance at Ralph again. “Are you being serious? This is… it’s… the whole thing is so…” Jack breathed and briefly rubbed his forehead. “I have to pull over.”
    “Jack, I’m not going to jump out of the—“
    “No, I have to pull over. My head is killing me. I can’t see the road.”
    Ralph nodded. Jack had a hangover too, and Ralph hadn’t seen him take any Aspirin.
    Jack pulled over to the side of the road. They were just outside the residential limits, next to a park and a deserted walking path. Tiny droplets of rain began to fall against the windows of the car, and the walking path outside the window began to darken with moisture. The dark sky and thin wet streams that were crawling down the windows cast shadowy streaks inside the car. The two men sat for several minutes in silence, protected and warm – though not feeling so – inside the frame of the vehicle as the wind swept in more clouds and more rain.
    Ralph looked over to Jack, but he had his head turned away. He was looking out the window into the park. His finely-cropped red hair looked almost mauve in the light of the stormy sky.
  “Jack,” Ralph said softly, gently alerting him that there was a conversation that was supposed to be taking place between the two of them.
    There was no response but the increasing drum of rain against the hood of the car. Ralph knew that Jack was having difficulty speaking to him and, unfortunately, Ralph could think of no other resort than to play the guilt card.
    “Jack, the least you can do is answer me after what you did.”
    As predicted, Jack sat up straighter in his seat and turned to face Ralph. “I told you I’m sorry!” he protested desperately. “And you said that it was nothing… serious. Didn’t you?”
    Ralph nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.” He hoped the other would understand.
    Jack regarded him sceptically for a moment before relaxing against his seat again.
    “There’s something I need to say to you,” Ralph said. Strangely, Jack’s reluctance to speak gave him the courage to do so himself. Perhaps he could set an example.
    Jack opened his mouth to respond but closed it again, seeming to reconsider. “There’s something I need to tell you, too. But now I don’t think I can.” He was struggling to maintain eye contact.
    Ralph felt like a child going about it all the way he was. I’ll tell you a secret if you tell me a secret. But he was glad that Jack was willing to share. Ralph would have to go first. “I… don’t know what I hope to accomplish by telling you this,” Ralph admitted. He knew exactly what he wanted to accomplish by telling him, but he didn’t expect to achieve any of it.
    Jack was watching him patiently. Maybe a little uneasily.
    Ralph continued. “I…” The words teetered on the tip of the tongue. He rubbed his cheek and looked out the window, past Jack. “I thought this would be easier. But every time I say it something horrible seems to happen.”
    “Nothing bad will happen,” Jack told him. “It’s only me.”
    Ralph was confused by the statement for a moment but felt immediately at ease. He chose not to wait any longer and willed himself to look Jack in the eyes. “I’m gay.”
    Jack’s face was expressionless; unreadable. After a moment Ralph saw Jack’s eyes discretely scan him head to toe, but only for a moment. Eventually the dark-haired man sank back into his seat and looked out the front window again.
    Ralph didn’t realize how frustrated he was until he heard his own breaths puffing out of his nose. “Say what you want. I’ve heard it all, I really have. My mother, my therapist, my friends… I’ve heard every offence there is, so say anything… just don’t say nothing.” He took a breath. “Please.”
    Jack took a breath. “That’s why your mother disowned you.” He was gazing into the steering wheel. “It had nothing to do with the island. She disowned you because… while you were in therapy… for all that trauma. That’s when it all came out. And she found out.” He looked at Ralph with a calm face. “And she left you with nothing.”
    Ralph could hardly believe the amount of truth he was hearing from Jack. It was not the response he’d imagined, but of all the things he might have said or done, Ralph was glad to hear his words. “How did you know that?” he asked honestly, a little amazed.
    “You already told me.” He took his hands off the steering wheel and faced Ralph more surely. “At tea. About how your therapist told your mother you were sick. I was thinking about what you said that day and now it makes sense. But I wouldn’t have… what you said, just now… I never would have…”
    “Ok.” Ralph knew what he was trying to say. “If you’re uncomfortable… I know that most people…”
    “I don’t mind. I really, really don’t,” Jack told him. “I feel glad that you told me.”
    “You do?”
    Jack nodded. “Yes.”
    “Why?” He wished he didn’t sound so hopeful.
    Jack looked at him like the answer was obvious. “You trust me enough to say it.”
    Ralph was touched that Jack thought so, but he wasn’t sure exactly how true it was. “I only told you,” Ralph explained slowly, “because of what happened between us last night. It only seems appropriate that you know.”
    Jack’s face whitened a little. “Oh.”
    Just as Ralph realized how close Jack was leaning in to him, the paled man straightened and leaned back into his seat.
    Jack put his hands back on the wheel and looked to the front window, though nothing was visible through the thick coat of rain. “Just because of what I did, you know… it doesn’t make me… I’m not… like you. And if you think I am, you’re wrong.”
    Ralph wanted to be able to accept it. “What did you expect me to think then?”
    “I don’t even know what to think!” He glared at Ralph, but there was a pathetic desperation in his face that took away any threatening tone in his voice. “How can I feel anything for you? How is it possible? There are so many reasons why we shouldn’t be…” He cut himself off and squeezed shook his head. “…And there’s not one reason for me to be attracted to you.”
    Ralph’s breathing quickened. His heart thudded violently. “And yet?”
    Jack swallowed. “You know what I’m saying; you know exactly.”
    “Not exactly,” Ralph admitted. “Just tell me, straight foreword, what we are discussing. Just say it.”
    Jack let out an exasperated breath and shifted in his seat. “I never thought you’d remember… I thought I would just get away with it. Not that I know exactly what I was thinking at the time, because I was as drunk as you were when it happened. I’m very attracted to you. I think you know that. And I shouldn’t be. And I just can’t understand anything that is going on in my life right now. You’re not helping, either, because you’re making it very easy for me to continue to be attracted to you. But there’s no reason for it. And there’s every reason against it.”
    Ralph told his brain and his body not to overload yet. Jack was saying he was attracted to him. This was something that Ralph was already safely sure of. There was clear evidence of it. But he didn’t know how to deal with the fact that Jack didn’t want to be attracted to him. And where was the attraction coming from anyways? Was it physical? Emotional? Both?
    Jack let out another deep sigh and crossed his arms over the steering wheel, pressing his face into his arms. “Oh, god…” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.” His voice was muffled by his sleeves.
    “You’re… you’re not feeling very well,” Ralph offered. He almost lifted a hand to rub his back, but that was probably going too far. “You’ve got a headache and it’s hard for you to think right now. But I think that maybe you should just… stop thinking about it all for now. Don’t try to name it or put a label on any of it.”
    Jack didn’t move or speak.
    “I don’t know what to do,” Ralph admitted softly. “Just tell me what to do. Tell me how to help.”
    Jack slowly pushed back from the steering wheel. “If I wanted to be smart, I would tell you not to speak to me anymore after this.”
    Ralph desperately hoped that there was another answer in store.
    “I think maybe… when we’re not hung-over… we could talk about this sometime. Maybe tomorrow?” He looked at Ralph hopefully. “Over lunch? I need to sleep on this. But I think we need to talk about it. Just not now. Not here.”
    Ralph nodded. “Ok.” He had not expected to sound so breathless.
    After a moment, Jack put the car into gear and they were back on the road. The soundless windshield wipers paved the view ahead.
    “I hope your fiancé isn’t caught in the rain,” Ralph thought out loud. He hadn’t intended the awkward timing at the mention of her name.
    “She’s fine,” Jack assured softly; mechanically.
    In the next few minutes, they were both wordless. There were so many thoughts buzzing around in Ralph’s head that he wanted so badly to verbalize, but was afraid. He didn’t want to say anything that would distract Jack from the road. He decided there was one thing he needed to ask. “Jack… what was it you wanted to tell me before?”
    Jack bit his lip. “It’s complicated,” he said.
    “More complicated than us?”
    Jack almost grinned. “I love that you try to sum up our entire situation just by saying one word. Us. You make everything seem so easy.”
    Ralph shrugged. “Maybe it is easy.”
    “That would be nice.” He didn’t seem to have much faith in the suggestion. “And yes. There is something I want to tell you. But now it’s something… to ask you. It’s hard. Please… let it wait until tomorrow.”
    Ralph nodded reluctantly. “All right.”
    Jack turned onto a narrower road. “This is your street, isn’t it?”
    It took Ralph a moment to remember that he’d written his address on his application form, and that was why Jack knew it. “Yes. Just at the end, on the left.”
    Jack nodded.
    When they finally arrived outside Ralph’s building, Jack pulled over beside the sidewalk.
    “Thank you for the ride. I really appreciate it.”
    “You’re welcome.”
    “…Lunch tomorrow?”
    “Yes. I’ll pick you up here at noon.”
    Ralph felt like there was something else that needed to be said. He moved to reach for the door handle but stopped himself. “Was I any good?” he asked curiously, trying to lighten the situation however he could. He didn’t look at Jack.
    Jack didn’t need further specification. He knew what he was being asked. “You were drunk. So was I. Sloppy… but not bad.”
    Ralph was relieved to hear a tone of playfulness in Jack’s voice. “Is it true what they say about first impressions?” Ralph asked. He might have been pushing it. He still did not look at Jack.
    Jack thought for a moment. “That they can be remedied by second impressions?” he offered.
    Ralph hoped it was an invitation. He had never consciously kissed anyone before. He looked down at his hand. It was resting on the seat only about a foot from where Jack’s hand was. As if reading his mind, Jack’s hand moved to cover his, even as Ralph watched in vague disbelief. Every inch of his body warmed under the weight of the smooth, manicured fingers on his hand. He still could not face Jack directly.
    “Ralph… I know it’s complicated.” Jack laced his fingers between Ralph’s.
    Ralph licked his lips and basked in the physical attention. “Yeah.”
    “And… I know that I’m probably the one complicating it, especially by doing this…”
    Ralph tried to breathe. He could see Jack shifting closer to him.
    “But I want it to happen.” Jack’s voice was soft; just above a whisper.
    Ralph was dizzy. His hand tingled where Jack was stroking it with his thumb. He wondered if it was real. “I want it too,” Ralph responded quietly. “But you can’t do this… if tomorrow you’re going to pretend it didn’t happen.”
    “I won’t…”
    “If you could just…”
    “Stop talking…”
    “Just tell me if it’s possible…”
    “Shh…”
    Abruptly, Ralph felt the grip on his hand loosen, and then Jack was sitting back in his seat, hands on the wheel. He suddenly looked uninterested, and Ralph wondered if he had imagined the whole episode. Was he absolutely insane? Was his imagination getting the better of him? His head was still throbbing. Looking out the window he saw, to his relief, that he was not as insane as he had briefly suspected. A mother with her two children were bustling down the sidewalk under a large, black umbrella.
    Ralph saw Jack reach for something, and with a click the windshield wipers had been turned off. The front window was slowly washed over with a deep coat of water again.
    Ralph couldn’t see the people on the sidewalk anymore. Which meant they couldn’t see him. He knew Jack had pulled away because he didn’t want to be seen. But now that they’d lost touch of whatever had come over them, Ralph didn’t know how to get it back. He sighed and gripped the door handle again, but he felt his wrist back in Jack’s grip.
    “Ralph,” Jack said, pulling Ralph to face him. “I only want to know if we want the same thing.”
    Ralph knew that they were both equally terrified to do the wrong thing. He quickly decided that kissing Jack was undoubtedly the right thing to do and he took the responsibility to what they both needed. Carefully placing his hand on Jack’s forearm, trying not to let himself shake or falter, he leaned in to the other man and pressed their lips together. Almost instantly, he felt Jack move his lips against his and the fingers that were suddenly pressing against the back of his neck pulled him in closer. The kiss deepened. All Ralph could hear was the hard thud of rain all around them and the deep huffs rasping out of their noses after a few seconds of silently holding their breaths. Ralph’s hand traveled up Jack’s arm to grip his shoulder. He wanted so badly to crawl on top of the other man and press their bodies together. He wanted something deeper. But the heat of Jack’s mouth and hand became overwhelming and he knew that he had to stop it before it got out of their hands.
    When Ralph brought his lips away from Jack’s with a soft, wet sound, he took the opportunity to look at Jack. His lips and cheeks were nearly scarlet. He looked not at all like the composed businessman he’d seen up until then. But with a few blinks and a deep breath Jack seemed to come back to himself.
    Ralph realized his hand was still on Jack’s shoulder, holding them close. He reluctantly let go and leaned away.
    “I think we do,” Jack said softly.
    Ralph nodded, though he wouldn’t even remember the question until after he’d returned to his flat.
    When he let himself out of the car, he did not offer a “goodbye” or a wave, nor did he watch Jack’s car as he heard it hum down the road, cutting through the fresh puddles. He just stood facing his building, licking his lips before the rain could wash away the taste that he believed Jack left there. Standing there, hot and cold and wet, Ralph had never felt such a strong sense of joy and dread in his whole life.
- 13
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Cowardice