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Cowardice	By : saucyminion Category: G through L > Lord of the Flies Views: 17461 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Flies, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Part 16 – Therapy II

    Jack crunched away at his salad contently, while Ralph could not bring himself to eat any of his. His stomach was still upset. The salad and sandwiches were generously portioned on his plate and he had a long way to go before he made a dent in the meal. He’d never been to that particular restaurant before, but it was very nice. Simple and classy. He didn’t catch the name.
    “Our spare room is very comfortable,” Jack explained before sipping his iced tea. “It has a washroom attached. You’ll have a lot of privacy.”
    Jack had offered his spare room as temporary lodging for Ralph until he found a job and an apartment. Ralph had little say in the matter. He couldn’t say he didn’t see it coming.
    “I still don’t know if it’s a good idea,” Ralph said, putting his fork down. “It doesn’t feel right.”
    Jack put down his fork, too, and patted his clean mouth with a napkin. “It’s no inconvenience.”
    Ralph tried to phrase his logic as tamely and politely as he could. “What about your fiancée? Is it an inconvenience to her?”
    Jack froze completely for a moment before responding. “I didn’t tell you, did I?”
    Ralph shook his head. “Tell me what?”
    Jack picked up his napkin, then put it down again, anxiously. “She… is staying with her cousin for a little while.”
    “I thought she came back,” Ralph said. “I thought you went to get her yesterday…”
    “That’s what I thought, too. But she only came back to get some things.” Jack drank more of his iced tea.
    Ralph shook his head. Jack was deliberately keeping something from him. He had a right to do so, of course, but Ralph wanted to know. Was his fiancée leaving him? Was that a horrible conclusion to draw to so immediately? “I don’t understand,” he said, searching for more explanation.
    Jack dropped his chin a little. “I suppose you ‘re going to hear about it sooner or later.” He lowered his voice do hide the conversation from the others at the surrounding tables. “Her cousin is a nurse,” he explained, balling up his napkin into his palm, not realizing he was doing so. “She… she had to visit her.” Jack became still.
    Ralph’s mind raced. “Is she ill?” he asked softly.
    “Not exactly,” Jack said. “She… had an abortion.”
    Ralph’s pulse quickened. “An abortion,” he repeated vaguely. “It was yours?” He wasn’t sure if “it” was the right word. He didn’t know how to feel or react to the news. It was none of his business. He shouldn’t have known this.
    Jack nodded. “Yes. Mine, and also my idea. Neither of us are ready or capable of raising a child. I know this. She just hasn’t realized it yet. It was the best decision.”
    “She didn’t want to do it?”
    Jack shook his head. “She’s beginning to understand, though. If she really didn’t want to, she wouldn’t have gone to have it taken care of. Her cousin did it for her. But… she’s having some problems… and she needs to stay with her cousin until she gets better.” His eyes darted up for a moment. “If she gets better.”
    Ralph didn’t know what to say. It was all such unexpected information. He would not have guessed. “What kinds of problems?” he asked.
    Jack sank down a little further and rubbed the back of his neck, looking into his salad. “Grief. And… there have been other things. Bleeding and things like that… I don’t know. She didn’t tell me much… but I got a letter from her cousin. She didn’t tell me much, either. But, between the three of us, we’ve decided that it’s best if Shannon and I live separately for a little while. She needs to spend more time around women who understand, I guess.”
    Ralph, oddly, found that his appetite had returned. Jack picked up his fork again, and Ralph did the same.
    “How long is she staying away?” Ralph asked. He lifted some dressed lettuce and carrots into his mouth.
    Jack shrugged. “A while. A month, maybe.” He seemed a little monotonous about the issue.
    Ralph nodded. “Hm.”
    Jack regarded Ralph for a moment. “Something you’d like to say?”
    Ralph took a deep breath before speaking, sure to keep his voice low enough. There were a lot of things he wanted to say. He had to choose. “Your fiancée has gone away for some time… and you’ve offered me your guest room.”
    Jack exhaled deeply. “Look, Ralph…”
    “You said that you wouldn’t pretend nothing happened,” Ralph whispered sternly.
    “I’m not pretending,” Jack insisted, almost stubbornly.
    “Then tell me what happened in your car yesterday.” Ralph’s face burned with frustration.
    Jack slowly straightened his posture. “You think I’m afraid to admit it.”
    Ralph nodded. “Yes, I do.”
    Jack’s eyes became stern, but he said nothing.
    A waitress was approaching their table to refill Ralph’s water glass, but sensing the tension, she tried to pass them by.
    “Miss, could you please give us a take-away box for the rest of this?” Jack called to her before she made it very far.
    She backed up. “Of course.” She took both their plates. “I’ll be right back with your cheque.” She was gone quickly.
    “I’m not the mouse you think I am, Ralph,” Jack said. He spoke very directly to Ralph for the first time since they’d sat down to eat.
    Ralph didn’t know how to reply. Suddenly very aware of the force between them, he felt something stir inside him. He wasn’t certain if he was intimidated or aroused. “You know, I wasn’t done my salad,” he said, unsure of what else to say.
    “I know that,” said Jack. “Eat when we get home. I have to show you something.”
    Ralph was utterly confused and his heart was racing.
    The waitress soon returned with two small boxes and a check. “Here,” she said, and left quickly.
    Jack placed a couple ten-pound notes on the cheque. He took the boxes of food in hand and stood.
    Ralph rose as well. As soon as he was on his feet, Jack’s arm was around his waist
before he was even sure of what was happening or why. Jack pulled their bodies tightly together in a stern embrace as he pressed his open mouth to Ralph’s. Ralph knew they were in a public place and he didn’t care at that moment. He pushed his hips against Jack’s and buried his fingers in the man’s fiery red hair, opening himself utterly to the unexpected affection. He wanted more.
    Jack moved away gently, reluctantly, and looked into Ralph’s dizzy eyes. “We should leave now,” he suggested.
    Ralph didn’t have time to agree or disagree. He was being led by the hand out of the restaurant. He couldn’t bear to look anywhere but ahead, afraid to see the expressions on anyone’s faces. Jack pulled him out to the car parked on the curb and they both climbed in. Ralph felt oddly like they were fleeing the scene of some crime and, in a way, they were. His body was still hot from the excitement of the kiss.
    Both men were still breathing rather heavily once the car was on the road again.
    “You don’t have to stay in the guest room,” Jack said abruptly. His voice was low.
    Ralph didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure how.
    The rest of the ride was silent up until Jack pulled the car into the drive way and turned off the engine. Then it was too quiet to say nothing. They had just done something very unconventional at that restaurant and now they had to deal with it. But in that tense silence, it was when something important occurred to Ralph.
    “You were going to tell me something,” he said abruptly, forcing himself to bring up the issue before he forgot it again. “Yesterday… you said you had something to tell… or ask me. You said we would talk about it today over lunch… and I don’t think we did. What was it?”
    Jack seemed to know exactly what Ralph meant the moment he spoke of it. “That,” he said monotonously. “Well… I think maybe we should move your things inside first.”
    Ralph shook his head. “Tell me now. Or tell me while we take the boxes in. Don’t put it off, Jack, you said yourself not fifteen minutes that you’re not a coward. So please don’t stall.” Ralph wanted him to prove that he wasn’t afraid. He wanted to know what the question was. Whatever the question might have been, Ralph was nearly certain the answer was going to be yes.
    Jack looked like he was about to object to something Ralph had said, but remained pensive for a moment. “Sure,” he finally agreed.
    They both stepped out of the car and moved to the trunk. Jack opened it up and they both began to unpack the few boxes inside. Jack wasn’t saying anything during all of this, but Ralph didn’t push for answers either. He was tired of asking questions. Being silent was becoming more comfortable.
    “I know it’s not the best time to bring this up,” Jack finally said as he placed the last box on the ground and slammed the trunk closed. “Not that any time would be good, of course…” He placed their leftover food in an open box and picked it up along with one other, as Ralph picked up the other two.
    “This is bad, isn’t it,” Ralph realized dismally.
    Jack regarded him thoughtfully for a moment before turning and heading up the sidewalk to the house. Ralph followed him through the rock garden and hedges.
    “It’s not bad news, exactly. You just might think it’s a little crazy. You see, I had this idea…” They climbed the steps to the front door. “Well, not an idea so much as a want. A curious desire, really. Hold these a moment.” He carefully stacked his boxes on top on Ralph’s as he fumbled with his keys at the door.
    Ralph saw only the brown cardboard that he knew Jack was hiding on the other side of. He finally heard the door unlock and Jack took the boxes back.
    “A desire for what?” Ralph asked as they stepped into the house. He kicked off his shoes, but Jack kept his on.
    He licked his lips before turning away again. Ralph followed.
    “Do you dream much, Ralph?” Jack asked.
    “Yes.” Ralph wondered if it was going to be an anecdote. He prayed that Jack wasn’t going to ask him to attend group therapy. That was the first thing that came to Ralph’s mind, but it didn’t seem like something Jack would want.
    “About… everything, I mean. All the things that happened.”
    Ralph nodded even though he was standing behind Jack, who couldn’t see him. “I knew that’s what you meant.”
    They came to the sitting room they’d been in the morning before. It looked different this time, though. The sun was on the other side of the house and there was very little light coming through the windows.
    “Lets just put these here for now,” Jack said. “I don’t know where you want them.” He placed the luggage on the floor by the coffee table. Ralph did the same. Unsure of where to move from there, they both sat on the couch.
    “Sometimes,” Jack continued softly, “It’s like… when I dream about all of that… it’s just been so long that it’s easy to think it was all just a dream.”
    Ralph nodded. His head ached vaguely. This was the conversation they were supposed to have. It was what they kept meeting for. It was what they had connecting them… and it was finally coming out.
    “And it’s hard to remember what actually happened. It’s hard to tell what I remember from dreams from what I remember really doing. Really seeing. Do you know what I mean?” His words and eyes made him appear so exposed. And the question wasn’t an absent one. He really wanted to know if Ralph could relate.
    “Yes,” Ralph said leaning in and nodding. “Yes, I know exactly what you mean.” It was an odd sensation. He’d only ever heard himself try to explain the way it went. The way it felt. Hearing the same words coming from someone else was a great relief. “And sometimes I’ll wake up after a dream… a good dream… and I’ll think that the rest of it was all a nightmare.”
    Jack let out a deep breath and shuffled closer to Ralph. “That’s just what I was going to say.” He looked at Ralph for a long time.
    If it had been anyone else, the heavy gaze would have made him uncomfortable. But he wasn’t at all. He knew that Jack was getting to the point.
    Jack opened his mouth and seemed to bravely send his words crawling out into the open, vulnerable and helpless, before he could tuck them away again. “I’m taking a trip.”
    Ralph’s face paled. “A trip.”
    Jack nodded. “Not a vacation. Not a holiday. A trip. I know a flying school who rents helicopters – and pilots of course – and I’m taking a trip.”
    Ralph tried to get up before he heard anymore. It didn’t take long for him to understand what was going to be asked of him. He couldn’t move, though, because Jack took his arm and pulled him back onto the couch.
    “I just have to see!” Jack said, like he had never so badly needed to be heard. “I just have to see, Ralph. I have to go back. It’s been years and I just need to know what was real.”
    “That’s so ridiculous!” Ralph exclaimed. He shook his arm free of Jack’s hand but didn’t move away. “What do you hope to accomplish by doing that?"
    Jack took his arm again but this time without a purpose. “I need to feel it. I thought you would understand. I just need to find out what was real and what wasn’t. I don’t know! I really don’t! It’s all a mesh of memories and inventions and lies…”
    Ralph shook his head. He felt a faint tremor in his chest. “All that’s on that island is pain and death. You won’t gain anything.”
    “I need something tangible to help me remember.” He was becoming desperate. “My memories don’t work the way they should and I have to set myself straight. I need something I can feel – something real. Something physical.”
    “Me!” Ralph cried in frustration. He grasped the hand that was around his forearm and held it tightly in both hands. It was neither threatening nor endearing. “I’m physical! I’m here. I have memories.” He took a breath to calm himself and reached out to take Jack’s other hand. “You can use me. I’m here. You don’t have to go back there.”
    Jack was a little stunned, but he curled his fingers around Ralph’s. “I wish there was some way of explaining this in to you so that you would understand,” he said solemnly. “It’s like therapy.”
    Ralph shook his head. “It’s like pouring salt on a wound.”
    Jack didn’t respond.
    Ralph hung his head. To his surprise he felt smooth fingers brushing the hair from his forehead. He did not look up.
    “I’m sorry that you don’t understand,” Jack said. “But I’m going. And I don’t know how to do it alone. Don’t you think it scares me, too?”
    The fingers moved away from his hair, and Ralph felt both his hands being wrapped gently in Jack’s. He closed his eyes. He couldn’t keep them open. Jack was casting a black spell on him.
    “Please, Ralph.” Jack slid a little closer to him and rubbed his hands over Ralph’s. He was clearly doing everything he could to coax an agreement out of him. “I need your help,” he admitted shyly; very quickly. “I won’t ask you for anything else. Just do this one thing with me. For me. ” There was a long pause. “I’ll do anything you want.”
    Ralph shuddered, but he was sure he hid it. “Does it mean that much to you?” He tried to think about city streets, Chinese kitchens and steaming sewers. He tried to think of drinking fountains and suburban houses. Not bonfires. Not the ocean. Not meat. “Because I want to help you,” he said cutting himself off mentally. “But I’m afraid of what might happen.” He hated Jack for talking him into it, and he knew that’s what was happening. He hated Jack for touching his hands and his face the way he was. He hated Jack for inviting him into his home and his private life. He hated it so much that he wanted to press his lips to Jack’s neck and throat, and push him down against the arm of the couch… “I want to do this for you. I do.”
    “You’ll be doing it for you, too. It’s taken me a long time to come to this conclusion. I didn’t think of it overnight. It’s a difficult decision. If we go together… we can keep each other sane.”
    Ralph couldn’t see how that would work. They had already driven each other insane. But at least they had that in common. Experimentally, Ralph drew a hand out of Jack’s grasp and placed his fingers to the back of his neck. The hairs there were soft. Jack did nothing.
    “Please say you’ll go with me. It’s so important.” Jack’s voice was hardly above a whisper.
    Ralph nodded slightly. “I know. I know it’s important to you. And… I’ll go if you need me to. I think we have to be able to count on each other.”
    Jack exhaled in relief and mirrored his arm to Ralph’s, placing it around the other’s shoulder. “Thank you.”
    Ralph hadn’t heard anyone sincerely thank him for anything in a long time. It felt good. “You’re welcome,” he said, a little off-guard. His fingers stroked the back of Jack’s neck as he savoured the pressure around his shoulders. “But you owe me.”
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