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Neighbours	By : That-Girl-Han Category: Twilight Series > AU/AR > Het > Het Views: 2455 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
- 19
In one spilt second a major incident can occur and everything can change. Sometimes these incidents can be can be a blessing in disguise and sometimes, just sometimes, they can be what triggers of events that inevitability causes the end.
It has also been said that, it is those events in life that define in who we are.
That may be true. However, when you feel the loss of a child - whether it’s born or not – are bets are off. Maybe it’s the protective streak in human nature to protect their own or the fact that something, so tiny, can completely change a person’s life for the better but when the tragic event happens….well, it’s only natural for a mother to feel like their child has been snatched from their arms too quickly. No one should go through that.
Of course, life doesn’t consider individuals feelings.
If it did – It’d know that I felt as if my life was completely over.

//

My hand flew down on the railing on the hospital mattress. “Check again!” I roared, my voice barely understandable through the hysterical cries.
“I have. Several times.” The on call doctor didn’t look at me in the eyes. “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”
“NO!” I violently shook my head. “CHECK AGAIN!”
“Miss…” The doctor looked helplessly at Jacob, who was standing next to me running his hand through his messy hair.
“Don’t look at him!! Check. It. Again!” I spat through gritted teeth. The physical pain was nothing compared to the hole in my chest. If it was possible, it felt like my heart was going to explode.
The young doctor gave a hesitant nod before he picked up the scan and began to run it along my stomach. The silence was painful as we all watched the monitor intently. No familiar noise rang out like it did this morning. No pleasant smile of the Doctors face. Nothing.
“I’m sorry…there’s still nothing here.” His voice was quiet and reserved.
“No!” I refused to accept it. It had been less than twenty four hours since Heather said everything was OK! He was wrong. He is wrong! “You’re what? Twelve! Go and get me a real doctor!! You don’t know what you’re doing!!!”
“Miss..please-“
Jacob dropped his hand from his head. “Look, I get this is your job but this is our fucking life!” His voice had risen slightly and by the time the last word escaped from his mouth, his was borderline shouting. He composed himself and blew out a breath. “Please find someone else.”
The young doctor gave us a look before agreeing. “Of course. Excuse me.” He gave a polite nod and pushed the curtain out of his way as he left.
My head flopped back of the bed. If this was a dream, it was a sick one. If this was reality, then it was absolutely horrible. I no longer noticed the constant pains in my stomach. All that consumed my mind was the fact that our baby was no longer…alive. It was dead. But I refused to believe it! Apart of me, deep down, knew what was actually happening while the other wanted to pretend that everything was OK because this can’t possibly be happening to me. Despite my better judgment, I convinced myself to think with the latter.
I glanced over at Jacob. He was now sitting down in a chair, his arms resting on his legs, holding his head low. Although, I couldn’t see his face, I didn’t need to. I knew what he was feeling. His hair was scruffy from where his hands ran nervously through it every time a doctor spoke to us.
“Miss Cullen and Mr. Black.”
We both looked up at the pleasant voice. A middle aged woman waltzed in, oozing confidence. Even though she held a smile, it wasn’t a happy one. It was simply for business.
“I am Doctor Anderson. I’m the head of department. Now then, Doctor Hugh tells me you’ve requested a doctor change.” She gave a tight smile. “He’s told me what you’ve-“
“He’s wrong. The baby was absolutely fine this morning. No, it than better than fine. It was good!” I protested angrily wiping my eyes at the same point. No one seemed to be understanding what I was saying.
Doctor Anderson inclined her head. “I’m sure it was. However, Miss Cullen, these things do happen. Not often but nevertheless.”
“No,” I shook my head. “I mean it has to be fine. It has to be. It has to be.” My mumbles soon became softer and quieter until I was only whispering to myself.
She cleared her throat. “Ahem. To be one hundred percent sure, we’ll do another ultra sound, OK?” She looked between us both.
I nodded, afraid that she’d confirmed my worst fears. It didn’t take Doctor Anderson long to get started. She was soon moving the sensor along my stomach. Again, no sounds. Nothing.
"Miss Cullen,” she squinted at the monitor, “I'm afraid that my colleague was correct. There is no longer a heartbeat or any sign activity."
"What?” I squeaked in total horror. “No....but I didn't have any signs or anything! It just can't happen." I looked at Jacob with glassy eyes. He rubbed his cheek and shut his eyes.
"It's rare but it does happen.” She explained finishing up with the equipment. “Sometimes women, like yourself, experience a miscarriage with no symptoms or any indications. It’s known as a silent miscarriage."
Jacob’s voice was raw and raspy. “What happens now?”
"Well, there are two options.” She looked at him then me before sitting herself down at the end of the bed. “You can either let nature take its course and remove the fetus itself or we can perform a procedure."
"Let nature take its course...what does that mean?" I asked, not entirely wanting to know. I didn’t want to have this conversation. In fact, I didn’t want any kind of conversation. I just wanted to crawl under my bed covers and cry.
"Inessentially, your body will cleanse itself of the fetus by bleeding it out, so to speak." The way she said it made it sound so easy and simple like breathing.
A sob caught in my throat. “B-Bleed it out?” I gulped and looked down at my shaking hands. They haven’t stopped since I woke up. “I will bleed my baby out? Is that w-what you’re saying?” I clasped my hands together to try and stop the shaking. It only made it worse.
"Yes."
A flip seemed to switch inside my head. "No fucking way! Sorry but I am not going to bleed out my baby! Not happening!" I violently shook my head. Was this fucking lady crazy?! It was one thing to lose a child but to have to bleed it out….that was something I couldn’t handle.
"No, that's understandable.” Doctor Anderson pursed her lips in a tight line. “In that case, then I suggest you under-go ERPC. Of course, it's like any surgical procedure and run its own risks. If that’s something that interests you then I can come back later with all the necessary information, the paper work and so on.”
I kept my head down. My eyes locked on my hands. I sniffled but let the tears roll down my cheeks. This was all too much to take in. Far too much to think about. I wanted to be left alone. Fuck, I wanted my baby alive again.
Then I felt a hand on my back. “Is it alright if we talk it over?” Jacob’s voice was hushed.
“Absolutely.” Doctor Anderson got up from the bed. “I’m going to admit you for tonight Miss Cullen so we can monitor you and check how things go.” She hooked me up to some monitor along with an IV drip to keep me hydrated but not before she turned to Jacob and asked him to leave for a moment when she fitted me in a hospital grown along with a nappy like thing for the bleeding. I didn’t mention that it made me feel even worse. I got back in to bed as Jacob was allowed back in.
Doctor Anderson gave a friendly smile to Jacob. “If you like I can send a family bed for you, Mr. Black. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate. I’ll be around for the whole night. I’ll pop in and see you later. Goodbye.”
“Thank you.” Jacob said softly. “Bye.”
Once Doctor Anderson had left Jacob slid on the bed next to me. I rolled over and let my head rest on his chest. His arms were strong around my body, as if it was somehow holding me together. Before I even knew it, I was choking on sobs. Each harsher than the last. My throat was tight and my eyes stung but at this moment, I couldn’t care less. I felt numb all over yet everything hurt. My fingertips hurt; my head hurt even my toes. But the worse pain…that was in my chest. It was tight and constant – like I couldn’t breathe and at any minute going to faint. No matter how hard I tried to catch a breath – I couldn’t. It was alike all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room.
Jacob’s hand was rubbing my back while he mumbled soft things in my ear. “Ness,” he whispered “it’s going to be OK.” He gently pushed some hair from my wet hot sticky face.
“N-n-no it is n-not.” I sobbed in to his body. “I-I-I’m sorry, J-J-Jacob. It’s all m-my fault.”
Jacob kissed the top of my head. “No, it is not. It couldn’t have been helped.”
I pulled away and tried to wipe my tears but my face was completely soaked and hot. I ended up just spreading it around my face. “I-it is! I wasn’t l-looking after m-myself properly!” I looked at his face. His eyes were bloodshot and worn out. He had a crease in between his brows as he looked at me. Slowly, he reached up and wiped under my eyes with his thumbs. “J-Jacob. I…..k-k-killed our b-baby! It’s all my f-fault!”
Jacob blinked quickly as he’s brow furrowed. “Don’t you dare say that!” His voice was hard as he crushed me against his chest again. “It’s was not your fault. Nothing you did caused this.” His arms slid around me as he held me close. “Please…promise me you’ll stop thinking like that. Please…” His voice no longer held a sudden sharpness about it; it was now weak and shallow. “This wasn’t your f-fault.” He swallowed.
I gripped his t-shirt tightly in my hand, my knuckles turning white and my fingers starting to ache. But I didn’t let go. How could I? If I did, it felt like the pain would over-whelm me and pull me under. I still couldn’t believe it.
Eventually, I had calmed down slightly. I was no longer crying uncontrollably but I was still drawing in a shaky breaths.
“Ness,” Jacob’s voice burst my thoughts. “I’m going to ring my dad. Is that alright?”
I nodded, not trusting my voice. Of course it would be alright. I should call my Mum and Dad but I couldn’t. Not yet. I knew that I’d break down at the sound of my mother’s ‘Ness, my darling, are you OK?’. How could I tell them what had happened? I wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. Maybe, deep down I knew if I told them then it must be true. I was still holding on to that one stray of hope that everything was not happening…
Jacob eased his grip around me and sulked off the bed. Jacob quickly bent down and gave me a peck on the cheek before slowly treading away to the ward reception which was literally not ten feet away. I could hear every word.
“Hey, um where can I use a phone?” Jacob asked his tone completely dead and emotionless.
The nurse smiled and lifted up a phone and set it on the desk “You can use this one.” She smiled before turning her back and working at a computer, no doubt wanting to give Jacob a little privacy.
With burning eyes, I watched him dialed a number, heave a heavy sigh before lifting the phone up to his ear. His other hand was tracing the desk in front of him.
“Hello Sue?” His voice was low.
His head dropped down. “No. Look, sorry to be ringing “- he glanced up at a wall clock -“at two in the morning but…uh…um…something’s…happened.” His other hand was no longer tracing the desk; he brought it up to his face and covered his eyes. “No, it’s not me….yes…the baby – it’s…” His shoulders slumped forward. “Sue, she’s lost the baby.” His voice hitched up at the last word. I so desperately wanted to reach out to him as I watched his big frame slightly tremble and shake. It was enough to set me off again with my own tears. “No…No, not yet….Could I? Thanks, Sue…….Hi, Dad.” He seemed to have composed himself slightly. “….Uh, I know….Not good, not good at all…..No, but dad-“He looked around at me with a grim stare before turning back around. I couldn’t catch the rest of the conversation because he was whispering.
He was obviously talking about me. But it didn’t bother me. Not today. Under normal circumstances, I’d be slightly paranoid but not today. I rolled over – my back to Jacob- and tucked my arms and legs in. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to focus on breathing instead on the pain. Absentmindedly, my hand travelled down to my stomach, slowly running my fingers along my skin. Tears trickled down my cheeks. “Sorry,” I whispered to stomach, as if Squishy actually could hear me. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.” I gulped away the tears in my voice and started again. “Even though I won’t get to hold you in my arms Squishy, I’ll always hold you in my heart.” My voice was hushed and shaky. My breathing soon become slow and peaceful – something that I wasn’t expecting.
After a while, the mattress dipped under Jacob’s weight as he laid himself back next to me, his arm slid over my hip as he pressed himself against my back.
“Dad and Sue send their love.” Jacob whispered before softly kissing my shoulder. “They wanted to come but I said no.”
“Good.” My voice croaked, my eyes still shut.
We didn’t speak for a while after that. Maybe a couple of hours, maybe a couple of minutes – time seemed like it completely escaped my grasp. His breathing was still jagged against my head. I didn’t like being here. I wasn’t even sure what was meant to be happening. How long would this go on? If I decide that I don’t want that procedure, how long will I continue to bleed it out? Will it hurt? Emotionally, yes. But physically? Do I even want to let my body do it itself?
No. No, I don’t. That I knew straight away. I couldn’t live like this, knowing that when I see the blood I’m really seeing…. No. I want this to be over already. I want everything to go away.
“I can’t do it, Jacob.” I sniffed. “I can’t just…bleed it out. I don’t want to.”
I felt Jacob squeeze my arm; he had seemed to understand my random outburst. “That’s fine. You don’t have too.” Then he leaned forward, his mouth only a few inches away from my ear. “I love you.” He murmured.
“I…I…I know.” I wanted to say it back. I wanted to but I couldn’t get the words out. They were stuck in my throat.
Then the curtain suddenly whipped back and Doctor Anderson entered. “Hi, guys.” Doctor Anderson said gently. “I hope you’ve both been able to a get a little sleep.”
Jacob pushed himself up and let ogo of me. “Not at all.” He replied.
“Hmm, that’s to be expected with a loss like this…I’ve brought some reading material on the procedure. Have you made a decision about what route you wish to take?”
“Yes.” I opened my eyes for the first time in what felt like forever. “I want that procedure.”
“In that case,” Doctor Anderson began, “let me explain to you what an ERPC is. I will give you some medicine to soften up your cervix. Then before we begin, you’ll be given general anaesthetic. Your cervix will then be opened with a small tube, known as a dilator, and the tissue will be removed using a suction device. I know it sounds ghastly, but assure you, it’s not as bad as it sounds.” She reached out and took one of my shaking hands. “Do you have any questions?” She asked her eyes kind and her smile gentle.
I nodded slowly. “Will it take long?”
“Not at all,” She shook her head. “It will last about twenty minutes itself, and then the recovery time can last anytime between thirty minutes to an hour. The anaesthetic would have kicked in by then, so you’ll be a little hazy in the actual procedure.”
“And what about after?”
“Well, after recovery time, it’s likely that you’ll experience some bleeding or cramps which can last between a few days to two weeks. You’ll be given antibiotics and pain relief.”
I blew out a jittery breath. “That doesn’t sound too bad.”
“No, it’s not.” Doctor Anderson looked between me and Jacob with warm smile. “However, you need to be aware of the risks. About two in every hundred women have a complication. Now that can range from heaving bleeding or an infection. A perforation or puncture of the uterus is unlikely but a possible risk. It could also cause a slight rip or in some cases weaken or scar the cervix.”
“Oh.” I sucked in a sharp breath. “Actually…that, erm, sounds scary.”
“I understand your nerves. But as I said, it’s very rare. Now you know everything, do you still want to think it over or are you sure?”
“I still want the procedure.” I replied without missing a beat. “I want it as soon as possible.”
Doctor Anderson blinked. “Right. In that case, I think we could probably fit you in this morning since you’re here. Is that OK?”
We both nodded.
“Excellent.” She let go of my hand and stood up. “I’ll go check the schedule. If we can fit you in today, I’ll give you the medicine that’ll soften up your cervix and you’ll be ready to go.” She folded her arms and looked down at her shoes before she gave me a very serious look. “I do have a question…” she looked between us both. “Of course, you have right up until we take you in the operating room to discuss it and whatnot but, would you like a memorial for the child?”
The air was caught in my throat. That questioned caught me off guard. I mean, I haven’t even thought about that! And then, without needing to ponder it for long, I gave my answer.
“No.”
“Yes.”
And so did Jacob.
Doctor Anderson pursed her lips. “OK, that’s fine. Talk about it and come to a final decision before the procedure. I’ll be back soon.” She didn’t bother to hang round.
As soon as the curtain fell back in to place, Jacob was off the bed and stalking around in the enclosed area. “No?” He said, his hand tugging his hair while the other was being waved about in front of him.
“No.” I replied quietly dropping my head low and looking at my hands. “I don’t want one.”
The Jacob stood still and looked at me. “Why not?” His voice was quiet and soft.
I gave something like a shrug. “I don’t want….”I took a breath. “Every time I’ll look at it…” My voice was wobbly and I stopped myself as more tears escaped my eyes.
Jacob rushed over to the bed and wrapped his arms around me as I began to nosily cry and sob. His hand brushed away my hair as he sprinkles light kisses on my forehead.
A little while after that, Doctor Anderson came back to give me the medicine. It was another drip. Once I signed all the paper work and read all the necessary things, it was time for me to go up. The nerves were worse than ever which showed in my hands. It was no longer just them shaking; my whole arms didn’t want to stay still. I didn’t tell Jacob how scared I was – I held that part in. Once we went beyond white line, Jacob could no longer follow. I felt incredibly alone as I watched him get smaller and smaller as they pulled me further away from him. I silently cried to myself as I could no longer watch him disappear.
I want to say that I remember much from it….but I don’t. I don’t remember any of the Doctor’s faces, only the shapes and burs of colour. Then my eyes shut and I felt nothing. No pain. No emotions. My thoughts weren’t in coherent.
Before I knew it, I was being wheeled in to another ward. This time I remember looking around and seeing white everywhere before slowly losing conscious.
Groggily, my eyes blinked open. It took me a while to realise that what I was actually looking at was the sky from the window. Deep blue filled the window, with only one small white fluffy blob along with birds flying and chirping. The sun was beaming and it looked like a lovely day…then everything came rushing back.
It wasn’t a lovely day, at all. I had spent the entire night here in a hospital bed, crippled over by pain knowing that I was no longer going to be a Mother.
I shielded the harsh sunlight from my eyes with my hand and turned my head towards the other side. In the next bed over was a lady. It looked like she had every piece of equipment plugged in to her as she slept. I found it oddly sad to look at her. I didn’t know who she was but I couldn’t take my eyes from her. Her face looked peaceful and relaxed but I couldn’t shake a sense of loneliness from her.
“Ah, you’re awake!”
I heard the voice before I saw a face. A young nurse came up to me and smiled before looking at a chip board in her hands. “Miss Cullen, is it?”
“Yes.” My throat was dry and crackly.
“How do you feel?” She asked.
It took me a moment to think of the words. Frightened. Alone. Scared. Angry. Guilty. Crushed. “Tired.”
“Hmm, yes.” She nodded before setting the clip board down and checking something on the IV. “You’ve been asleep for forty minutes; I was worried you wouldn’t wake up!” She joked.
I gave an attempted of a pathetic smile as I thought to myself that I wished I didn’t.
“Everything looks good. So I’m sure Doctor…”She picked up the clip board and looked at it. “Anderson will give you a once over and send you home in a little bit.”
“Thanks.” I mumbled as I examined my hand and the little tube from the IV buried in to my skin with what looked like sello-tape over it.
The perky nurse left me alone again and I sulked back in the bed. How long would I have to stay here? I wanted to go home now. I wanted to be with Jacob.
Then it dawned on me – my Mum and Dad. I still haven’t told them. Not that I know what I’m going to say anyway.
Or Jennifer. I’m not entirely sure what to say to Jen either. But I know she’ll understand. She went through this with Grace…
But now I think about it, I mean really think about it. Maybe, it was worse for Jennifer. She had named her baby and actually held her before they took her away…and I didn’t understand what she was going through even though I said I did. I tried to be a good friend but now I look back…I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand her sudden outbreaks or the way she could no longer look at a baby without feeling angry.
But now…now I completely get it.
“Hello, Renesmee.” I looked up and Doctor Anderson was standing beside my bed. “The procedure went very smoothly. There were no complications. Here are your prescription of pain relief and antibiotics.” She gently placed a white paper bag on the bed along with my clothes from earlier. “Your stats all look very good. Someone should be along with your discharge papers very shortly and you’ll be free to leave. I’ve also put a leaflet in the bag about things to expect now and some information. You’ll have to come to a follow up appointment in a weeks’ time, just to check that everything is OK. I did jot down my number on the end, so if you have any worries or questions, please be sure to call.”
“Thanks so much.” I breathed. “Uh, do you know where, um, Jacob is?”
“Yes, he is in the waiting room.” She warmly smiled. “I’ll send him in for you. Take care. Goodbye.” She waved before she turned around and left.
I pushed myself up – and winced at the sharp pain that shot through my stomach – to reach the paper bag. I carefully opened it and peaked inside. There were two little boxes along with various different colour papers. I put the paper bag back and took a deep breath as I shut my eyes. I felt utterly exhausted and drained.
“Ness,” came a familiar voice. “You alright, babe?”
I slowly opened my eyes to find Jacob standing beside me with that crease between his brows. He was also wearing a different change of clothes – that seemed to throw me a little. But his hair was still messy.
“Did you go home?” I squinted at him as he picked up the clothes and paper bag, set them on his lap as he took their space on the bed.
He nodded a little. “Yeah. The Doctor said I’d be waiting around for an hour or so. So, I thought to myself I might as well go home for the car. Then I just got in and changed my clothes…” He pulled his mouth in to a tight line. “Lisa came up to me as well.”
“Oh, what for?”
He shrugged one shoulder. “She saw the ambulance last night and wanted to make sure we were both OK.” He explained, eyeing the items in his lap.
“That’s nice of her.” I mumbled, starting to play with the little tube leading in to my hand.
“Yeah, it was. She sends her condolences.” He said looking up. “How do you feel?”
“Fine,” I lied. “A little tired.”
“Yeah, your eyes look sore.”
I looked up at his face. “So do yours.”
“Yeah.” He sniffed. “They are.”
After I was discharged, the car ride back was silent. When the radio came on, I snapped my hand out to turn it off. I didn’t want that kind of noise. I wanted peace and quiet. I looked out of the window and the weather had completely changed - It was no longer sunny. Dark grey clouds filled the sky as it began to rain. My eyes followed raindrops against the window as they slid down the glass.
“I don’t know what I’m going to say to people.” I mumbled, not looking away from the rain spattered glass.
Jacob cleared his throat. “It’s difficult.”
“And I have no idea how I’m going to tell my parents. Or Jen.” I sighed.
“You know,” Jacob began carefully. “When we get back home, go have a little sleep and when you wake up, and then start to worry about them. Just…” He blew out a long breath. “Just focus on yourself for now.”

Walking to the house felt strange. It was like something was different. In an odd way, it was almost like I saw it differently.
I slowly trudged up the steps with Jacob behind me. Even though, my body was yelling out in pain – I didn’t notice. I was numb and a part of me somehow liked it. I liked that I was no longer hurting. But then I felt guilty. I shouldn’t not be feeling anything. I should feel…something.
I froze at the doorway of our bedroom. From here I could still see the sheets. Blood soaked.
“Jacob…the sheets.” I breathed, shutting my eyes and stepping away. I couldn’t look at it. I couldn’t even think about it. The thought made my stomach turn as the memories flashed back. My fingers hot in the blood. Urch.
“Shit.” Jacob muttered as he charged in the bedroom and began to whip off the ships and peel the bed covers.
I let out a breath as I slowly strolled down the hallway. My eyes caught on something that made me instantly angry and completely shattered at the same time.
The baby crib.
Without thinking, I stormed in the room and gripped the side, my fingers stinging as I held on too tight. I pulled it towards me then smashed the crib against the wall. Then I did it again and again. I’m not entirely sure what I was thinking, if anything, but I couldn’t stop myself.
As I continued to physically batter the crib, I began to cry. This time, though, it was a bit of hysterically crying and guttural screams of anger. I wanted to pull it apart. Piece by piece. But I wasn’t strong enough, although that didn’t stop me giving it a try. I was yanking on the side, trying it rip it off the crib and at the same time, constantly shoving it against the wall.
“Ness!”
I felt Jacob’s strong arms reach around me as he placed his big hands over mine, ceasing me from destroying the wooden furniture.
“What are you doing?” He asked, his voice low and worried.
I wiggled my hands from the crib and brought them to my face. I spun around and looked at him through watery eyes. “It’s not fair!” I wailed as I took it a jittery breath.
Suddenly, my legs gave out and I was on the floor, frantically trying to catch a breath though the waves of tears. One on my hands flew to my chest as the other pushed my hair away from my face. Jacob sat down with me, his hands on my thighs as he looked at me with sad eyes.
“It’s n-not fair!” I cried, my voice giving out on me and just releasing a high pitched noise.
“I know,” he said softly, taking the hand from my chest and holding it in his. “I know.” He kissed in once before releasing it and kneeling up. “C’mon, let’s go have a lay down.” His arm wrapped around my back as he pulled me up to my feet before swinging me up and carrying me in his arms. I held on tightly, my head buried in the nook on his neck and shoulder. I wept silently and I felt myself shaking against him.
As we entered the bedroom, he walked up to the bed and lowered me down. I gripped on to his t-shirt as I gently hit the mattress. Sure enough, it wasn’t the white ones. It was a blue flowery set from my old place.
When Jacob tried to pull away from me, I yanked on his t-shirt and let out a little cry.
“Don’t go. Please stay…please.” I pleaded with him.
Jacob lay beside me and wrapped an arm around my body and pulled me close. “I’m not going anywhere.” He breathed.
I woke up in a panic. My breathing was labored and my skin felt clammy. The room was terribly dark and I scrambled to turn on a lamp. The light flooded the room and I felt myself relax. I glanced over and the bed was empty. I let out a shaky breath as I flopped back on the bed. I tried to calm myself down but I just couldn’t. My chest rose and fell at a pace that, quite frankly, scared me shitless. I pushed myself up and headed for downstairs, deciding that the presence of Jacob would make me feel a whole lot better. But then I got to the hallway I heard voices. I paused and gripped on to the banister to listen. I couldn’t quite hear everything as it was muffled but I managed to get bits.
“I’m not…..upstairs…..sleeping……worn out……mess….no doubt….”
“Wish….me…..I’m….Christ sake!.....poor….needs….looking….”
Those voices...it wasn’t Jacob speaking. My parents were down stairs. I began to slowly trace my steps back in to the bedroom. I loved my parents but I couldn’t handle that yet. Everything was still so raw. I laid on the bed, pulled the covers over me and buried myself in the bed.
No matter how hard I tired, I could shake what I had said to Jacob earlier – I had killed our baby. And I had, I was supposed to be looking after Squishy and I didn’t. That’s no one’s fault but my own. And I’d had to live with that for the rest of my life.
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