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Cowardice	By : saucyminion Category: G through L > Lord of the Flies Views: 17461 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Flies, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 18
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- 20
Thanks for waiting :) This takes place the evening following the last chapter. It's awkward. Sorry. I love you for reading it anyway.
Part 19 – Insomnia Interlude II

Ralph sat rigidly on the couch feeling very nervous. He tried to distract himself with the book in his lap – a mystery – while really he knew that he was fooling nobody with his false concentration. He gazed without focus at the words on the pages while his attention was completely in Jack’s telephone conversation. He was talking to a pilot. Apparently it was a friend of Jack’s, though perhaps he would be a friend no longer after the unannounced and urgent midnight telephone call he was receiving.
“Mhmm.” Jack paused, telephone poised at his ear.
Ralph’s eyes darted up to catch Jack’s expression at the pause he heard. He listened to himself flip a page of the book as his eyes remained on Jack.
“I understand that. Of course.” Jack’s tone was too even to read. “Yes, I see, but you must know that your schedule means nothing to me, nor should it to you, for that matter, because…
Yes, I can compensate you for your time.”
Ralph gnashed his teeth unconsciously. He wanted to tell Jack it was a bad idea to go back to the place where they’d both tried to leave all their pain behind, but he wouldn’t say it again. The reason that Jack was trying to find a pilot for the island was to eventually gain closure and forgiveness. But Ralph felt that if there was still forgiveness and closure to be had after the night they had shared before then he was lost.
class=GramE>“Fine. That’s fine. I can triple it.” His eyes flickered up to Ralph for a moment before he turned around and began pacing with the phone again, cradle in one hand and receiver in the other.
Ralph felt it in his chest when Jack broke the moment’s gaze with him. Shutting the book on the table, he rose and went to Jack, placing his hands delicately at Jack’s shoulders, wishing he would stop pacing… wondering if it was alright to touch him.
Jack stopped immediately at the touch but did not turn to look at Ralph.
“That’s fine,” Jack said. He then exhaled, his shoulders relaxing. “Thank you. Yes, absolutely. I’ll get back to you tomorrow. Have a good night.” He hung up the telephone onto the cradle in his hand and turned to look at Ralph. Ralph’s hands fell away.
Ralph wanted to say something. He parted his lips and he expected something to come out but nothing did.
“It’s settled,” Jack said with a sad note of triumph, as if he’d just bought a coffin on sale. He glanced down at the phone in his hand and moved to place it on a nearby table.
“Jack, I…” Ralph began.
Jack stood looking at him expectantly, while at the same time, just looked at him.
“Are we ready to do this?” he asked cautiously. “Tomorrow? It just all seems so sudden.”
Jack sighed and walked toward Ralph while the clock on the mantelpiece ticked audibly. It was ten minutes past midnight.
“It’s not sudden. You think too much.” Jack rubbed Ralph’s shoulder encouragingly.
“And I’ve been thinking about your wife,” Ralph said, feeling Jack’s hand freeze against his arm momentarily.
“Oh?” Jack raised his eyebrows. “She isn’t my wife, Ralph.”
Ralph nodded, swallowing his inhibitions and trying to hide his jealousy. A fiancée was intended to be a wife eventually. “I just don’t know what exactly she is to you. And what I am to you.”
“We’re separating,” Jack said, placing his hand at Ralph’s face.
class=GramE>“Who?” Ralph responded urgently, backing away a step. style='mso-spacerun:yes'>
Jack only slipped his hand behind Ralph’s head and kissed him on the lips, pulling his body back in. The kiss was modest but sure, hot and light. When they parted, Ralph bit his lower lip, gazing longingly into Jack’s eyes.
“I want to be with you. Don’t you know that?” Jack rubbed his thumb across Ralph’s cheek.
The clock on the mantelpiece continued to tick. It seemed much louder now.
“Think like a rational person for one moment,” Ralph asked him, melting against the soft touch of the hand cupping his cheek. “Is this possible between us?” He swallowed hard, trying to keep his voice and demeanour steady. “I want to be with you, too. I can’t even believe how good you are to me – style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>for me.” With some exceptions, naturally… “But what do we have? Do you want to continue to sleep with me, or live with me, or …”
Jack regarded him carefully with anticipation.
“What does it mean to you when you say you want to be with me?” Ralph asked.
Jack slid his hands down to curl his fingers around Ralph’s, being the first one to break eye contact. “I don’t know,” he said. “I mean, I think I know, but…”
class=GramE>“But what?” Ralph asked, curling his fingers hard inside of Jack’s, taking one step back.
Jack stepped after him immediately. “God, Ralph, it’s so late right now…”
It didn’t matter. They’d slept in until 4:00 in the afternoon that day. They weren’t tired.
Jack searched for words when Ralph didn’t budge. “My only real relationship has been purely social. I don’t know how to do this with you. It can’t be the same. It’s just… not possible.”
Ralph pulled away, their hands releasing. His heart stung as much as his ravaged body did. “Well then why did we—?” Ralph couldn’t say it. He clasped his hand over his mouth and turned away. He was betrayed. They had made love again when they woke up that afternoon and it felt better than anything Ralph had ever experienced. But afterwards, things were strange. Jack had seemed to avoid him for the rest of the night with things like the garden or the telephone to keep him occupied instead. It made Ralph feel small. He continued to shrink with every step he took toward the doorway.
“Ralph!” Jack went after him.
Ralph felt arms around his waist, pulling him back and he fought against them without understanding why. “Let go,” he demanded airily. His eyes were closed as he allowed himself to be pulled down onto the carpet in the fruitless struggle.
They found themselves sitting on the floor in each other’s arms in a matter of seconds. Ralph’s face was pressed into Jack’s neck. His eyes were wet. He realized that he really was tired in some ways. It was easier to relax into the arms around him than he’d anticipated.
“I wasn’t trying to say that I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. I do want to be with you, like I said…” Jack kissed Ralph’s head.
“Why did you ignore me tonight?” Ralph asked. The afternoon and evening seemed to him like a blur of failed attempts at affection and nothing more. He’d spent the past six hours looking for contact and finding the opposite… until now. He slid his arms around Jack. “You were so cold to me.”
“I didn’t know what you wanted,” Jack admitted. “I thought that maybe I was too…”
“Why would I want to be ignored?” Ralph retorted.
“I’m falling in love with you. And I’m scared as hell about the trip tomorrow. I just needed to think, alone. I was selfish. I’m sorry.”
Ralph’s breath was caught in his throat. He was glad that Jack couldn’t see the expression on his face.
“And I never said I couldn’t have a relationship with you, I just mean to say that I don’t know how. I can’t imagine it. I mean… I can. And I do. But I just don’t know what I have to give you or how to go about it all.” Jack was, ever so slightly, rocking Ralph in his arms.
“And you are separating from your fiancé?” Ralph clarified again. “Does she know this?”
“We haven’t talked about it, but I’m certain she does.” Jack ran his fingers through Ralph’s hair. “We’ve just been playing house… dress-up… it never meant anything.”
Ralph thought about the abortion. He pushed his thoughts elsewhere.
Jack pulled away from Ralph enough to see into his eyes. “Tomorrow we should be going on the jet I’m renting sometime in the late afternoon. Are you still coming?”
Ralph nodded. He briefly wondered if he should ask if it was rude to ask Jack how he was fitting it all into his schedule. “I still don’t entirely see the point… after everything that we’ve…”
“It isn’t just about the two of us.”
The words cut a little. Ralph felt selfish. “I know.”
They sat in silence for a short while, feeling no pressure to rise to their feet. They had nowhere to go that was any more important than where they already were.
The clock on the mantle ticked.
Jack kissed Ralph gently on the lips. “Tell me what happened to your back,” he asked quietly against Ralph’s lips. He kissed him again, trying to woo the answer out of him.
Ralph ducked his head, avoiding the kiss after hearing the question. He thought it was dismissed – forgotten.
Jack sighed and leaned back, feeling embarrassed and frustrated for bringing it up. He watched Ralph carefully, anticipating some response, but saw only the top of the other man’s head, ducked in avoidance.
“May I have a look, then?” Jack asked patiently.
Ralph glanced up. “I thought you had ample opportunity to examine my back side this morning.”
Jack’s cheeks reddened, but he was certain it wouldn’t show in the dim light of the one lamp that sat across the room. “It was afternoon,” he remarked defiantly.
“You don’t have scars,” Ralph interjected, ignoring Jack’s statement. It was something that he had been aware of for some time. He half expected Jack to say something sentimental like, not on the outside, but Jack said nothing.
“Just tell me, Ralph, I think we’ve shared enough at this point that it shouldn’t be difficult. I will share anything with you.”
“Falling,” Ralph responded briskly. “I fell. Down some rocks… a lot of rocks in the hill. I slid down on my back. I never even knew it happened until a nurse brought it up when I got back to Britain.” He rubbed his hand across his face. “I don’t like to think about it too much.”
Jack swallowed. He began scanning over the images he had of the island in his memory looking for rocky hills. “When did it happen?”
“Running from –“ He looked up at Jack and scratched his neck. “From the fire,” he mumbled.
Jack was still. “From me.”
Ralph choked up for a second but forced himself to recover quickly. He clasped his hands firmly around one of his knees. “Mostly. Mostly.” He looked up at Jack’s concerned face and was surprised to find comfort there. “But it doesn’t matter. You’re not who you were.”
“Neither are you.”
Ralph was a little stunned by the quick retort. He would think about it later.
Jack looked up at the clock. It was nearly one. “I’ve kept you awake,” he said to Ralph, standing. He went to Ralph and took his hand, pretending to help him up.
“You know you always have,” Ralph said softly. It was true, but very different now. He shook his head. “I’m not tired.” Only his eyes felt tired, and his mind a little weak.
“Come to bed,” Jack said. He began to leave.
“But I said that I’m not tired,” Ralph said. Was Jack listening to him?
Jack turned and took Ralph’s hand between his, pulling him gently along. “Good. I never suggested that we sleep.”
Happy with the change of tone and the digression from the subject of his scars, Ralph leaned in and kissed Jack deeply on the mouth. “Don’t ignore me again,” Ralph said softly, already unbuttoning his shirt. “That was all I asked. It’s still all I ask.” Again he kissed Jack, whose hands were already working to release Ralph’s shoulders of his shirt.
Jack was kissing Ralph’s face, pulling the shirt down off his trembling arms “If you truly want me, then…”
“I do.” Ralph’s head fell back. He clutched helplessly at Jack’s sleeves, wanting to be completely devoured by their passion again. style='mso-spacerun:yes'>
“Even though it turns out that I’m still as mad as ever?” Jack ran his fingers through Ralph’s hair, pulling his head back while sliding his tongue down the narrow throat.
“Well…” Ralph relished in the attention he was receiving. “Among other things, you did get drunk, kill a cat and try to rape me the other night. That was quite mad, I suppose…” It all seemed like such a long time ago. It didn’t matter anymore. “But I happen to be falling in love with you, too.”
Jack kissed Ralph deeply on the mouth at that. “I think that makes you as mad as I am,” he whispered, half-jokingly.
Ralph nodded, pressing a thigh gently between Jack’s legs. “We deserve each other.” He pushed Jack away enough to lift the shirt over his head, pulling him again in for another kiss when their naked torsos were unrestricted.
They forgot what they had been talking about. The conversation had concluded.
The two of them spent the rest of the night on the couch – not the bed – pleasuring in each others’ bodies in a way that was becoming too familiar to abandon. Their moans and whimpers of gratification and occasional moments of expected and welcomed pain seemed to silence the ticking of the clock until they lay wrapped naked in a blanket and remained sleepless. Then the clicking of the second hand counted rhythmically with the beats of their pulsing hearts as they held tightly to each other in exhausted, humid love.
Insomnia had never been so enjoyable.
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Cowardice