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Thou Art Enough	By : Nik Category: A through F > Chronicles of Narnia Views: 7837 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Chronicles of Narnia nor do I make any profit off of this product of imagination.

Chapter List
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All previous disclaimers apply.
Author’s Note: Sorry this took so long to update! I have a problem with that. But, please know that unless I mark the story complete or take it down completely it will be updated eventually! Thanks so much to all who reviewed. I really appreciate it! Please drop a review if you have time. And when things get OOC, please forgive. T.H.

It should have been much harder than it was. Susan was not so oblivious that she believed her circumstance was normal in any way. She smiled gently as she rubbed her swollen belly, trying to soothe the moving child that was growing within her. Aside from the obvious differences in her pregnancy from any other, namely the father of her child being from another world, she knew that there was almost no other family that would have been as accepting as her own.
“We are very lucky, baby,” She whispered, rubbing still, “Very lucky and very loved.”
From the moment she had realized she was pregnant Susan knew that she would not hide. She would not be ashamed of the life she and Caspian had created in their one beautiful night together. Their child was a gift. Before she told anyone else, however, she knew she had to tell her mother. She had gone to her headmistress and requested a weekend pass so that she might visit her mother in London. As the war had ended just a few weeks before and travel was no longer restricted to and within the cities many of the students got homesick at one time or another, and as Susan Pevensie was one of her favorites, quiet, a good student, and mature beyond her years, the headmistress had granted the pass, even going as far as asking her if she wanted to take her young sister along with her. Lucy Pevensie was the opposite of her sister in many ways. She was sunny, talkative, and laughed a lot. But, she was the same in many ways, a good student with a maturity about her that couldn’t quite be explained. She was also one of the headmistress’s favorites. But, she had simply nodded and smiled when Susan had told her that she would be making the trip alone, that perhaps Lucy would join her next time.
“Why don’t you want me going with you?” Lucy had asked as she sat on Susan’s bed as she was packing a small weekend bag, “I’d like to see Mum, too, you know.”
“Yes, I know,” Susan had smiled at her gently, “But, please, Lucy, let me do this alone. I need to. Next time, I promise.”
The tone in Susan’s voice had proved to Lucy that Susan was telling the truth, that she needed to speak to their mother alone, and would tell her what was happening as soon as she was able. So, Lucy had just smiled, nodded, and helped Susan finish packing. From the moment she had arrived at home, Helen Pevensie had known that there was something off about her eldest daughter. She was tense in a way she hadn’t been tense since the children’s father had come home from the war and she would not meet her eye. If there was one thing Susan always did, it was look others in the eye when she was speaking to them. Helen had prepared tea without a word and sat with her daughter in their small sitting room, waiting for Susan to tell her what was on her mind.
“Mum,” Susan’s voice had been soft when she finally began, “I’ve done something that I cannot regret. I can’t be ashamed, Mum, I won’t, because I loved him very much and you always told me that love can never be wrong. But, I never thought… And now I’m so afraid that you’ll be disappointed in me. It’s the last thing I want, Mum! I…” Susan had been slowly growing hysterical until her mother cut her off.
“Susan!” Helen had taken her daughter’s face in her hands, looked into her eyes, then pulled her into her arms, “Oh, my Susan. So much like me. He was a soldier, my love?”
“Yes,” Susan had whispered. After all, Caspian was a warrior and there was no use confusing her mother by trying to express the differences, “And I’ll never see him again!” For the first time since they had returned home, Susan allowed herself to feel the pain of her loss and sobbed against her mother like a child.
Helen had simply held her daughter and rocked slowly, making soothing noises from the back of her throat, even singing the lullaby she had used to put all of her children to sleep over and over until her daughter had calmed. In Helen’s mind, Susan had met and fallen deeply in love with a soldier. Before he had been deployed she had wanted to give him something to remember her with. The only thing she could never give anyone else. And she had just discovered the result of that love was a child growing within her. The grief that Susan was expelling now could only mean one thing. Her soldier had been killed in this God awful war. Helen had always worried that she and the children would have to deal with the death of their father, but she had hoped that none of her children would have to go through something like this. Love was never wrong. Helen believed this within the very depths of her soul and she knew her husband did as well. And obviously her Susan had loved her soldier very much. She would love this baby. And so would the family, if that was what Susan wanted.
“My darling,” When Susan was calm enough once more, Helen had kissed her forehead and taken her hands, “I could never be disappointed in you. Love is never wrong. What would you like to do, my Susan?”
Susan did not have to think to answer. She set her hand to her womb, “I loved him, Mum. And this baby is the only part of him I will be able to keep. I could never… I would never…”
“And we would never force you. But, Susan, this will be a very difficult life you have chosen, you understand?”
“Yes, Mum, I do.”
Susan hadn’t gone back to school. Her mother and father had contacted the school and claimed poor health would prevent her from returning. Under that guise, they brought all of their children home for a visit. They explained what was happening and could never have been prouder of their children than when they had all come together. Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie had suspected for nearly a year that something had happened to their children while they were away that changed them all. They were closer, gentler with each other, seemed more grown up. For a while Peter had been angry, much like Edmund before they’d left, but he was back to normal now and their children were closer than ever. There was something otherworldly about them at times, however. Sometimes they just seemed like they didn’t belong in the London fog, but in someplace airy and bright, not in wool, but in silk. When they sat in a circle, arms around each other, and foreheads together like they did that day, Helen felt it even more and felt, for an absurd moment, that somehow she could lose them very soon.
The next few months went by faster than Susan had expected. She spent her time helping her mother around the house and taking long walks during which she thought about Caspian, Narnia, and Aslan. She prayed daily that somehow Aslan would make sure that Caspian knew how much she loved him. She cried every night when the loneliness, the heartache, caught up to her. She wanted Caspian with her, wanted him to know the joy she felt at feeling their child grow. She wished she could see the wonder in his eyes she could only imagine at the ways her body was changing to accommodate their baby. She did love him, and she wanted to be with him more than anything, even if it meant leaving her family and her world behind, but she knew it was impossible. She made sure her tears were gone every morning with the sun, even though she suspected that her mother knew, from the looks she gave her.
Christmas had come before she knew it, and she was more grateful than she could say when Peter, Edmund, and Lucy came home. The holiday had been wonderful and her walks had seemed even more calming when Edmund was with her, arm linked with hers. They never had to speak. They knew what the other was thinking. Susan loved Peter and Lucy, but recently there had been more of a connection with Edmund. A kindred spirit, she thought. It might have been that both of them knew that the positions they were in would have been much more acceptable when they were in Narnia. They both knew that they would be happier in Narnia, and had accepted that it would never be.
“What a pair we make, hmm?” Edmund had asked her on their last walk together before he had gone back to school.
She had not been surprised even though they had never really spoken on their walks. She had known he had wanted to voice it for weeks now and she was the one he felt most comfortable with. She had looked up at him and realized just how much he had grown, physically and mentally, in the five months since they had been home.
“Yes,” she had smiled and tightened her grip on his arm.
“You, pregnant and unmarried. Me…” He had paused, biting his lip.
“You can say it, Ed,” Susan had prompted gently, “You know I won’t judge.”
“It was just…so much easier in Narnia where love was simply love no matter whom you loved. Peter had his princesses. You had that chap from Telmar…”
“Ugh,” Susan had made a face, “Don’t remind me.”
He had laughed and continued, “Lucy had so many suitors and I always felt like she loved them all. In some way, at least.”
“That’s our Lu,” Susan had smiled, “I don’t think she could have bourn it if she had ever hurt any of them. She did end up finding wives for most of them, in her defense.”
Edmund had nodded in agreement, “It’s just that, in Narnia, when I loved my captain of the guard from Archenland, it was just as acceptable as any of your romances. Here I could be killed for simply looking at another man the wrong way.”
“So, what will you do?”
“I’ll do what I have to,” Edmund looked down at her, “I’ll hide what needs to be hidden. I’ll smile and be as happy as I can.”
“Will you marry?”
“No. I’ll never put a woman through that. Eventually she would find out that I could never love her like I should. I’ll never put myself through that.”
“Hmm… maybe you have a brain after all, Ed.”
“Shut up,” he murmured and blushed. And they continued their walk in silence.
She missed Ed terribly when he went back at school. She missed them all. But, she poured herself into preparing for the birth of her child. She and her mother had a grand time rearranging her room perfectly so that the bassinet that all Pevensie children had used for three generations would fit and there would be space for a nursery area in the small room. They giggled together over the tiny clothing that had been put into storage for the first grandchild as they set it to Susan’s growing belly, trying to imagine what the baby would look like inside of the clothing. That had gotten them into a conversation about Caspian that Susan had not really wanted to have, but hadn’t thought she could avoid any longer. When her mother had asked what the father of her first grandchild had been like, Susan had told her.
“Well, he had caramel colored skin, black hair, and the deepest brown eyes. He was beautiful in a way I’ve never seen. But, he was so much more than that. He was kind, Mum. The kindest man I’d ever met. He’d been hurt in his life and yet he still cared more for people than anyone else I’d ever met. And he was so gentle with me. He could be so fierce when he was speaking of the war or defending those he cared about, but when it came to me, he was the gentlest man. When he held me in his arms he made me feel as if we were the only two left in the world. There were a lot of things placed on him all at once, but he still had this air of innocence about him. He was good, Mum, down to his very core. He loved me. And I loved him. So much. I miss him and I want him back!”
The tears that had started when she had begun to describe Caspian had turned to sobs by then, and her mother had held her, rocking her like a child until she had calmed. They had spent the rest of the afternoon and evening finishing rearranging the room quietly. Her father had come in to help them just after dinner and had put his arms around his wife and daughter when it was finally done.
“It’ll be a fine nursery for the baby,” he declared.
“I think I’ll go cut us some cake in celebration,” Helen had kissed both her husband and her daughter and gone down the stairs to give them some time alone.
“Dad,” Susan had taken her father’s hand and pressed it to her growing belly, “The baby’s kicking. Feel.”
“Going to be strong,” her father’s voice had been rough with emotion, “We haven’t talked about it, Susan, but I want you to know that I understand why you did what you did. I love you very much, little girl. That will never change.”
“I love you, Dad.” Her father had held her as close as her belly would allow, “Now and forever. I think I’ll take my walk now.”
“Would you like me to join you, love?” He seemed to worry now that she was so close to her time.
“No. You go have cake with Mum. I’ll be back soon.”
Her father had gone down the stairs and she found herself rubbing her belly, trying to soothe her baby, doing acrobats she thought. They had it so easy, she knew.
“We are very lucky, baby. Very lucky and very loved.”
It was an unseasonably warm spring night as she put on a light jacket and headed toward the park, calling out to her parents that she’d return soon. The park that she often walked through had been largely destroyed in the bombings during the war, but the lake was still intact and beautiful when she walked around it. There was a fairly large grove of trees near the west end of the lake that she liked to walk through as well. It reminded her of the Great Western Woods, which she had always loved, though not quite as much as Edmund, so she walked through it often.
It felt somehow different this evening, she had to admit. There was just something in the air. Something exciting, something wonderful. She knew it was magic and couldn’t help but feel giddy and light. She was going back. She sent up a prayer of thanks to Aslan that he was allowing her to go back. Automatically, she sent up another prayer that she would not have missed so much time that Caspian was still interested in her. What would happen if he had married, forgotten all about her, had his own children? What if the child she was carrying in her womb had become illegitimate while she was away? She wrapped her arms around her belly as if trying to embrace the child within as she turned to look at the entrance of the grove. She could still go back. She knew she could. But, could she afford not to take the chance? No, she couldn’t. If there was still a chance that Caspian could be by her side, then she had to take it. She needed to at least see him. She had to know. For her sake and her child’s sake. Their child. She had always thought of the baby as their baby. She would not change that thinking now.
She offered one last prayer that her family would understand what had happened to her and why she’d had to do what she had chosen. She prayed her siblings would explain everything to their parents. With her final prayer she turned to the grove again. At first she was excited when the air turned cooler and her feet began to crunch in the snow, so much like her first time in Narnia. It wasn’t until she began to feel the cold seep through her light coat, until her fingers began to numb, and she began cough that she began to fear. The fear became real as she felt her limbs grow heavy and her eyes want to close. But, she knew she couldn’t sleep. To sleep would be to die. And, for the sake of their child, she couldn’t let that happen. At least, not until she had seen Caspian once more and had seen to it that their child was safely delivered. Once that was accomplished, her life was no longer important. She just had to get to Caspian.
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Thou Art Enough