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The Many Adventures of Adams-Apple-Gurl
By : Hnoss
Category: Fairy Tales, Fables, Folklore, Legends, and Myth > Fairy Tales
Views: 6266 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0Disclaimer: I do not own Snow White, and I'm not making any money here either. - Chapter List
The Many Adventures of Adams-Apple-Gurl
Flora_Winters
Disclaimer: I do not own Snow White, and I'm not making any money here either.
Summary: If you thought you knew Snow White and other fairytales Grimm, well, guess again. Cocaine has nothing on this crack. Language, MM, OC, Violence
Chapter One
The old king had kicked the bucket and the funeral was going along without a single glitch. Not even a dull witted zombie had shown up to bite off any of the grieving families puffy faces. And that right there was truly saying something. Everybody knows that tears are to a zombie like a single drop of blood is to a shark.
“No zombies then?” Asked the elf prince, looking over his broad shoulder.
“Nope.” Answered his dwarf friend.
The elf looked back around with a sigh. “Pity.”
His dwarf friend grunted, giving a small shrug of his burly shoulders. The last thing the royal family needed at the moment was for a bunch of zombies coming apart all over the damned palace.
“This is utter troll shit!” Shouted a loud voice, causing many heads to turn away from their supposed good grieving. “The old bastard didn’t leave me a single coin? A single fucking coin?”
“Oh, my goodness,” said the elf prince, looking up as he quickly elbowed the dwarf. “This is going to be big, I do believe.”
“So much for boredom, eh?” Grumbled the dwarf.
“Get up out of that coffin, you old fool!” Shouted the youngest of the king’s two human sons. “Someone send for the necromancer!”
“Outrageous!” A black elf hollered from the very back of the chamber, getting up. “Simply outrageous!”
The blond elf at the dwarf’s side rolled his sky-blue eyes. “No relation!” He shouted around. “No relation at all. Poor thing comes from the bad neck of the woods, you know.”
His dwarf friend snorted, biting into an apple. It looked like a crimson moon.
“Calm yourself, Highness,” one of the priests quickly said, doing his best to calm the young man down.
“Highness? Highness you say?” The young prince boomed. “At the moment, I can’t even afford snortweed to get high!”
The elf prince chuckled. “Snortweed? Did he say snortweed? Nobody’s doing that stuff anymore.”
“Wine?” Asked the dwarf at his side, holding up a bottle of amber goodness.
“Of course,” he smiled with dazzling white teeth. They were straight and his canines were rather long. A silver cup appeared in his hand.
“Wake him up!” Demanded the prince. “Drag him from Dis and prop his saggy ass up! I want…no…I command and explanation!”
“Oh do shut up already, you whiny little bitch,” a new voice spoke up. “I can’t even hear my own brain fart with you prattling on the way you are. Daddy came and went. Get over it.”
From her chair, the queen’s face went pink.
“Came and went?” Whispered the elf. “Indeed.”
“You idiot!” Yelled the young prince to what was assumed to be his older brother. “None of us can be king because Daddy has hidden the damn throne!”
“You made him!” Shouted the second prince. “And it’s your fault!”
“Screw you!”
“Too late!”
“Enough!” Shouted the High Priest, rising from his napping. “You both know the law as the king had made it. Whoever finds the throne gets to be king.”
“Gods damn it!”
“Oh, you would!”
“Shut up!”
“Die!”
“After you!”
“Give me strength,” muttered the High Priest.
“I do say,” the handsome elf prince smiled. “This has got to be the most entertaining funeral I’ve ever had the misfortune of being forced to attend.”
The dwarf agreed.
“Excuse me,” he said, rising to his booted feet. “I just want to make sure I heard you correctly, priest-gods-man.”
A hush fell.
“Is it true the throne must be found before a king can be crowned?”
The High Priest nodded his head, looking as if he were ready for another nappy.
“And what if I were to find it?” Asked the elf.
The High Priest snorted, but the other priests went as white as their spotless attire.
A murmur quickly spread throughout the audience.
“Or me?”
“Or I?”
“What about me?” Asked a beggar in the back, who was politely ran through with a sword. Poor people don’t get to be king.
Hundreds began to ask.
The two princes looked at the clergymen and their faces were the faces belonging to snarling demons.
The High Priest demanded silence.
He got it.
“Whosoever should discover the whereabouts of the king’s throne,” spoke the High Priest. “He or even she shall be…the one who gets to tell all of us what to do.”
“Ah,” said the elf, grabbing hold of his dwarf. “I need to go feed the meter then. Please, do excuse me and my mountain friend. He holds the money. Still doesn’t quite trust me yet.”
They both ran for the exit.
The room exploded with a frenzy. People running all over the place.
The handsome elf prince began to laugh very darkly as he led his friend from the palace.
“I’m going to be the one to find that throne,” he said, speaking in his own tongue. “And then I’m going to put these humans in their places.”
“Places?” Asked the dwarf.
“Their graves,” answered the elf.
The dwarf nodded. “We’re going to need lots of wine then.”
“I know just the place,” the elf said, whistling for his horse.
“Excuse me,” said a soft spoken voice, causing them both to turn around.
They both quickly put up their hands.
A person, slender and cloaked in forest green had a crossbow pointed at them both.
“I’m going to need that horse.”
“And who might you be?” Asked the elf prince, lifting his chin in some defiance.
The hood flew back from the cloaked figure’s stunning face.
“I am Adams-Apple-Gurl,” s/he spoke. “And I am on a quest to become a real girl again.”
The elf looked down at the dwarf, who was looking back up at him. The prince didn’t quite know what to make of this.
“But, you’re a boy,” he said.
Tears suddenly sprang to Adams-Apple-Gurl’s eyes. Oh, s/he looked so lovely.
“I know!” S/he cried, stomping hir foot. “It’s terrible! I hate it so much. I’d give anything to have my monthly cycle again. When I get my hands on that Godmother, I’m gonna…”
The elf just gaped.
“Now give me the horse,” s/he said, sniffing and shaking hir head.
“DRAGON!” A loud voice screamed. “DRAGON!”
The elf looked up and so did the dwarf.
Adams-Apple-Gurl spun around.
“By the gods!” A woman screamed, running by, knocking Adams-Apple-Gurl back against the tall elf. “Its Rapunzel’s-Princess! Run and flee! Flee and run!”
The elf quickly moved, jabbing Adams-Apple-Gurl in the neck, knocking hir out cold. The bow fell to the ground. He quickly took hold of hir, throwing hir over his horse.
“We shall take him with us,” said the elf, mounting behind.
The dwarf rolled his eyes. “You’re bringing along a curse.”
“You shouldn’t speak about yourself so,” the elf smiled, getting a curse from the dwarf.
“BURN THE BITCH DOWN!” Shouted a frilly pink nightmare. A curly blond terror of all curly blond terrors. “GO SHNOOKUMS!”
TBC…
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