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Never say never	By : singvogel Category: A through F > Forgotten Realms Views: 1893 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: The Forgotten Realms/recognisable characters appearing in this story are Wizards of the Coast, Inc., all rights reserved. No profit is being made by the author for writing this.

Chapter List
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#Present#

Finally Tos'un dares to look up, only to meet a hard green eyed stare.
“That's all I wanted to hear.”
With that Jaellien simply turns and starts back towards the village. Tos'un follows after hastily putting his appearance back in order. Apparently they are going to have that Dinner after all, because Jaellien actually stops after a while and throws him an expectant look, before he continues on his way.
“Please don't force me to lie to her”, Tos'un begs quietly when he finally catches up to the mage, wondering at how easy it is to demean himself like that, when their interactions have always been so vastly different in the past. He stops dead though, when Jaellien suddenly whirls around to face him, the rage back in his eyes, but with a quiet simmering quality this time, a sight that evokes the first tendrils of real fear in him. This is not over yet.
“Tell me: Do you really expect me to consider your wishes?”
Tos'un keeps himself still and swallows silently.
“When have you ever cared what I wanted?”
He knows he has not, but he also does not want his family to suffer for his mistakes.
“Please”, he begs again, his voice growing soft with desperation. “This is the only worthwhile thing I have managed in my life. Please don't make me betray her.”
The rage he faces does not diminish.
“But you have already been betraying her anyway by keeping a side of you from her, which she would be sure to despise! You are betraying them all, every day!”
“And you think forcing me to go on like that is the solution? That is just stupid!” Tos'un cries out in frustration. He is not prepared for the stinging slap that follows his outburst.
“You are so damnably selfish, I would really like to kill you right now!” Jaellien hisses, while the drow is still blinking in surprise, feeling his suddenly heating cheek. Despite his intellectual awareness of their altered stations it still comes as a surprise to him to receive actual violence from Jaellien's hands. “Have you ever considered that maybe I don't want everybody to know?” the elf continues still angry. “The scars you graced me with garner enough attention already. I really have no wish to spread the story of my humiliation and suffering publicly for each and everyone to hear!”
“Sinnafein is not everyone. You tell her then, if you don't want me to do it!” Tos'un demands stubbornly, wondering whether he might not be digging his own grave by doing this. For a moment the mage really looks like he might snap, but then he pulls himself together, his features smoothing out into a blank, polite mask, that Tos'un knows only too well. It is dangerous, because he has no idea what might be hiding behind it. That never used to matter, but he is surprised to find how much of a difference it makes now.
“I never said I wouldn't tell her”, Jaellien informs him with an unfeeling, truly sinister smile. “I merely meant that it is purely up to me to decide on the when and what. If you overstep your bounds in this you will suffer for it.”
After that verdict Tos'un can only look away in defeat. There is nothing left he could say right now that would make any difference at all.
As he silently follows Jaellien back towards his home he wonders about the mage's intentions. Jaellien could virtually destroy his whole existence with the information he has, but right now he does not seem to want to do that. Is it merely the wish for control over Tos'un's actions that compels him to act? Is it the wish for revenge? He could have had that any time over the last several years though. Why has he come only now? But more importantly what can Tos'un do to defend himself? He needs to think strategically. If it should come to the worst he will also need someone who would still support him. He must find out what it is that his former slave wants now. A few beatings he could take. They might leave scars, but he has enough of those anyway. There are other things though. What occurred today was not only about simple, straightforward retaliation he thinks. Not with the way Jaellien reacted, the close contact he initiated himself. There must be more, but Tos'un does not know just how twisted the other's feelings might really be, especially not with the way he himself still feels drawn to the blonde, the perverse, unsettling fascination that overcomes him when thinking about the other.
Now that the ghosts of the past have been woken Tos'un finds himself remembering things he had thought buried and forgotten for years. It frightens him to discover how tempting it still is, how much sharp, clear cut excitement he feels at the thought of doing the things Jaellien described to him today. After everything he has learned living here, should he not feel differently? He understands about morals now after all. Or at least he has thought so until today. That was something which did not come easily to him. He understands enough to know that he should not feel this way. Has he been lying to himself all those years? The drow knows that, by the standards he has worked so hard to adhere to Jaellien would have every right to demand compensation for the things that were done to him. He knows that is what he should offer and he will most probably do it too, if he gets the chance, but is it not useless without remorse to accompany everything? Tos'un is still wondering about it as they reach the end of the treeline.
Maybe it is because Jaellien is still so closely connected to a past when he felt that nothing of what he did was actually wrong. Would he still be capable to behaving and feeling the same way today, when presented with a different slave to torment? Tos'un knows that he does not wish to go back to the life he lived then, but the question remains and his inability to answer it with any kind of certainty troubles him nonetheless. He is very sure that he is incapable of hurting his own daughter intentionally, but maybe his care does not extend so much farther after all.
In the end Jaellien shows at least some small bit of mercy, after they both arrive at Tos'un's home and it becomes obvious that the superficially cordial conversation is too stilted and filled with strange little moments of silence. He explains curtly that, the two of them have had a tense discussion today which ended in disagreement. He refuses to say anything else despite Sinnafein's careful, well meaning questions. They try to keep things friendly for Doumi's benefit, but it becomes more and more painful as the evening progresses and Jaellien does not stay long past their meal.
Tos'un watches his departure with equal parts of relief and dread, because he knows there will be no way to escape his wife's questions now.
She does not start to interrogate him immediately though. No, she waits, thinking it all over until the moment when it is time for them to undress and finally slip into bed. Sinnafein is already pulling the covers over herself, giving him an expectant look, when Tos'un remembers how his shoulder must look now. Another question he won't be able to answer. He hesitates in pulling the shirt over his head, unconsciously looking towards the door thinking about a way to leave and put this off for a little while longer.
“Tos'un!” his wife interrupts him decisively, knowing full well the course his thoughts are taking. “You are not getting out of this room until we have talked.”
She seems unimpressed by the look of dismay he gives her. At least her preoccupation means he gets to leave the shirt on for now, merely going over to sit on top of the bedcovers next to her. Maybe she will not find it to be too unusual if he keeps it on later, even though the nights are not cold yet.
“Tonight did not at all go as I expected”, she says softly, the implied questions hanging heavy in the air between them.
“No”, Tos'un sighs. “My apologies. I did not intend to spoil the evening like that.”
How he wishes he could just hold her close now, bury his nose in her hair and make all these conflicting feelings go away for a while, smother them with the comforting warmth and care he knows he will find with her. His life was so much easier before Jaellien turned up again an made him question his convictions.
“So, you are not going to tell me what that was all about?” Sinnafein asks after a while when he does not continue. Helplessly Tos'un looks away, clinging to the feeling of comfort which wells up in him as two determined arms encircle him from behind. “I don't like seeing you so troubled”, she says quietly behind him. Her chin is resting on the very same shoulder Jaellien had gripped so harshly not long ago. The resulting dull ache makes him bite his lip. He leans back despite himself, soaking up the comforting warmth of her presence at his back. “I cannot quite place it, but this looks more serious to me than a simple disagreement.”
“I... I cannot tell you.”
How pitiful that sounds, even though it is the truth. He can sense her frown at the unsatisfactory answer.
“Cannot?”
“I mustn't.”
That finally makes her sit up straighter.
“What happened between the two of you?”
Worry has crept into her voice now.
“You must ask him yourself.”
Sinnafein takes hold of his uninjured shoulder to make him turn towards her and regards him with a searching look. Only now is she realizing the full depth of her husband's apprehension and her frown becomes ever deeper. Since he knows her so well Tos'un can sense that she is considering to go and start a confrontation with Jaellien right now. Normally that kind of unyielding determination to get to the bottom of things before making a judgement is one of the things he loves most about her, but at the moment he is quite sure that a confrontation would only make matters worse.
“Tomorrow?” he adds, half questioning half pleading.
Sinnafein is clearly not satisfied, but relents eventually, trusting his judgement.
“If you think that's best”, she says, still doubtful, but willing to acquiesce to his request for now.
She does not ask Tos'un why he pulls her close to hold her with something akin to desperation once they are both lying down, instead she just continues to worry silently.
After spending a restless night fraught with worry and thoughts which went in unending circles Sinnafein has no patience left to wait until they have finished breakfast. As soon as she determines that the day has progressed enough to make a very early call she quietly slips out of bed, pulls on yesterdays garments and makes her way over to the guest huts.
The bleary eyed dwarf engineer who opens the door is only too glad to be able to go back to sleep after he drags an apprehensive Jaellien out of bed and deposits him into her care.
“I would talk to you Li”, she says bluntly. “Let us go for a walk.”
Her friend nods silently and motions for her to lead the way. Neither of them speaks during the time it takes them to get out of the village's immediate hearing range. Once they have reached a small clearing Jaellien stops and turns to face her. Sinnafein notes that he does not look as if he has slept at all that night. An observation that does nothing to alleviate her concerns.
“I'm sorry”, Jaellien blurts out, before she can say a single word. “It was a bad idea to come here.”
Now that does not explain anything really. Even though it makes her think that there must have been some kind of plan behind this whole journey, something she has apparently missed completely so far.
“What happened yesterday?” Sinnafein asks as gently as she can manage under the circumstances, with all the worries still crowding in her mind. “Tos'un refused to tell me anything at all.”
She is surprised when Jaellien's instant and only reaction to that is to bury his face in his hands.
“He said he was forbidden to talk about it?” Sinnafein ventures tentatively.
“I thought I was ready. After all this time I thought I was finally ready”, Jaellien speaks into his hands, which makes his already cryptic words almost incomprehensible. “But somehow it all got out of hand so quickly and I just wasn't prepared. I didn't expect that it would overwhelm me so, that I would still be so furious. That I... I'm so sorry. I never wanted to upset you.”
He draws in a deep shuddering breath and when he finally lets his hands fall to his side Sinnafein can clearly see the tears glinting in the corners of his green eyes. Torn between the wish to find out more and the urge to comfort her friend she opts for trying both and draws the trembling Jaellien into her arms while saying: “Ready for what? What are you talking about Li?”
“T-tell Tos'un he may tell you whatever he wants. I will leave now”, Jaellien says and promptly starts to disentangle himself. It is all Sinnafein can do to follow him as he practically races back towards the hut.
“Wait! Li, wait!” she cries, but the mage seems not to hear her. Cursing she can only watch as he storms inside, grabs his already packed bag. Has he been planning this? Just when she starts to implore him to cease this ridiculous behavior he gets back out again. With a last unbearably sad look Jaellien twists a simple golden ring on his left hand and vanishes. Sinnafein curses even more loudly. This did not go like she had imagined. Not at all. If it wasn't so childish she would be stomping her foot now out of sheer frustration. Why will these stupid men not tell her anything?!
Fuming she marches back to her own home, where she finds Tos'un sitting at their table, staring at her with something she can only interpret as fear in his eyes. That is the last straw.
“You will tell me right now, what in all nine hells happened yesterday or I swear I will find a way to make you!” she snaps sharply. As a threat that should be laughable to him, because she is sure Tos'un has heard some things in his life that were far worse, but nonetheless she sees her husband flinch as if she had hit him. A sobering sight which almost breaks her heart, for she knows there were times in his life when the tone she has just graced him with could indeed have heralded serious violence or torture.
With a deep calming breath Sinnafein sits down at the table that is already set for breakfast and grips the cup in front of her with both hands. Maybe she can steady herself that way.
“I'm sorry”, she says, staring into the steaming tea. “I should not have snapped at you so. This has been a very vexing morning for me. Li wouldn't say anything I could actually comprehend... well he did say a few things, but they made no sense to me and then he just started crying and teleported away. Just like that.”
“He cried?!”
This time when she looks up sharply Tos'un does not draw back, but that might be due to a conscious effort on his part. He is still very tense.
“He also said he was sorry and that you were free to tell me anything you liked”, Sinnafein says pointedly and watches the conflicting emotions flitting over the dark, handsome face of her husband. The initial surprise is quickly but briefly followed by relief and then by new fear and a flicker of what she would swear is guilt.
“Very well. You are not going to like it.”
Obviously it is Tos'un's turn now to avoid her gaze and stare into his teacup.
“Believe me, I have already surmised as much.”
“Can we go somewhere else?” he asks quietly. “I don't want Doumi to hear.”
So it is that bad she thinks, but nods. A sinking feeling slowly starts to spread in her stomach.
This time they walk a lot farther into the woods than she had done with Jaellien. Maybe Tos'un needs the time to collect his thoughts, but it grates on her even though she tries not to let it show.
When Tos'un does stop and turns towards her he looks indeed as if he is expecting some kind of imminent doom. It is not a look he wears often and it makes her want to shake him, do anything so that he will just finally start talking. And then he does.
“We have met before, Jaellien and I.”
Sinnafein only nods, unwilling to interrupt now that it appears as if Tos'un will at last tell her what has left the two of them so distraught. She still cannot quite shake the impression that she is missing something vital.
“It was quite some time ago, when I first joined Kaer'lic and the other two. Years before Obould even. Jaellien had already been with them for some time by then, so I don't know how he came to be there originally, but he was still quite young.”
The sinking feeling in Sinnafein's stomach is quickly turning into something else, something that expands swiftly and bubbles up her spine to lodge inside her throat until she thinks she will never be able to breathe again.
“You can probably imagine that we did not treat him very well. He was a slave, a mere plaything for us.”
Yes, she can imagine that. It is not something she really wants to think about though.
“He escaped?” Sinnafein dares to ask when nothing follows, somehow pressing the words past the terrible lump in her throat. The uncomfortably grimace that appears on Tos'un's face tells her without words that that has not been the case.
“Not really.”
It takes another long moment until he continues, staring away from her into the greenish shadows beneath the thick foliage.
“Donnia surprised us all when she pushed him off a cliff into a raging river one day. After that we simply assumed that he had died.”
“She... what?”
“Maybe she was annoyed because Ad'non had been bedding him once too often. I don't know. She wouldn't tell us afterwards.”
The words sound horribly callous coming out of Tos'un's mouth with barely any inflection at all. Had Sinnafein not seen with her own eyes that there is indeed a vulnerable, caring side to the man in front of her she would not be able to believe it right now. He holds himself so calmly, all reaction perfectly controlled until she can barely notice his emotions any longer. Breathe, she tells herself. Breathe. She has always known of course that her husband has not lead an exemplary life before he joined her people. They have talked about it often enough. She had also thought that she had accepted this fact and moved past it, but right now it feels as if she is falling, unable to react in any reasonable way.
“It is different when it is someone you know, isn't it?”
The pain that has suddenly reappeared in Tos'un's voice somehow helps to ground her again. At least enough to find her voice and show some kind of reaction.
“I think I need to sit down”, she mumbles, still trying to comprehend the enormity of what she has just been told, and then proceeds to do just that. Her body just sort of tumbles down into an ungraceful heap onto the patchy grass beneath her. What she has just been told is not something she could have seen coming.
“He knew, didn't he?”
That is really the first thing Sinnafein manages to grasp after staring ahead for a long while, trying desperately to bring some order into her roiling emotions.
“That I was living here with you? I think so, yes.”
Tos'un, kneeling across from her, regards her warily as if she was a tower made of the frailest glass which might topple or splinter at any given moment if he so much as breathes too hard. In a way she feels it is almost unfair of her, to break down so after telling him time and time again that she understood, that she accepted his past. But this is about a good friend, someone who she cares about and never wants to see in pain and the conflicting emotions tear at her from all sides.
“I've invited him several times to come and visit us, but he always found an excuse”, Sinnafein remembers but then fights to focus on the present again. What she knows now is all in the past, nothing she can change. Hopefully there will be a way to salvage this, something she can do to help both of them, for she wants to lose neither.
“What happened yesterday?” she finally wants to know, wondering at the same time whether she is going to regret asking.
“We... after I... when Doumi introduced us he seemed so cool and in control. For a moment I was even afraid that he might be planning to hurt her. Or you. It was terrible, I could only stand there and feel helpless. He clearly remembered me but made no move to... “ Tos'un helplessly wraps his arms around himself as if that could steady him. “I could not figure out what he might want now, so I after I got Doumi back to you I gave in to my panic and ran to hide in the wood, where he found me later”, he finishes and lets his hands drop down again.
Sinnafein watches in silence as her husband restlessly clutches at the grass and gnaws on his lip while trying to find the right words. Somehow this seems to affect him much more than the horrible story of years long gone that he has told her before. In a way it is a relief to see him so unsure and off balance. It reassures her that she has not been living a lie, that Tos'un is indeed the caring person she remembers him to be and that her whole life might not be lying in shards a second from now.
“I spent some hours agonizing over how to tell you about the unforgivable things I did to that person you considered a good friend, all the time wondering why he had come now, after knowing I was here for several years. I thought he had some kind of sinister plan.”
“Did he?”
The tears and jumbled words from Jaellien this morning make her suspect that, even if there has been a plan it clearly has not worked like it was supposed to. Tos'un's shrug comes along with a deep, heartfelt sigh.
“In hindsight I must say that he probably didn't. I did not know that at the time though, so I was extremely wary when he came to confront me away from everybody else. He became very angry when I said that I would not lie to you about the past and told him that I had changed and was not like the master he had once known.”
When Tos'un falls silent and looks away after that Sinnafein knows there is more to come. She waits patiently. It takes a lot of patience sometimes to get him to speak plainly, but so far she has always found it was worth the time she had invested. This is something she needs to know.
“He asked me whether I would still... if I was sure that there would be no repercussions, whether I would still... take... rape him like I used to.”
Sinnafein bites her lips hard, knowing that if she interrupts him now there might never be another chance to get this admission out of her husband. The way he is already squirming makes it more than clear that this is something he does not want to talk about at all. He understands though, that to not tell her would be unforgivable in her eyes.
“When I did not answer he stuckhishanddownmytrousersandforcedmetoadmitit.”
“What?”
Tos'un cringes visibly.
“He pushed me up against a tree, held me there and made me come with his hand”, he spits out not quite as fast as before but still as quickly as possible, as if the words are to hot to keep them in his mouth for long. He watches tensely as Sinnafein eyes widen before she starts to frown.
“But why would he do that?”
Tos'un's surprised and pained expression tells her that he thinks it is rather obvious and would rather do anything else than explain it right now. But seeing that she is not berating him yet he seems to find the courage to go on.
“To prove that I have really not changed at all”, he finally admits with an amount of bitterness that Sinnafein finds rather startling.
“But you have”, she replies, honestly surprised that Tos'un would doubt it. “You slept in your shirt last night”, she suddenly remembers while considering what she has just learned and how Tos'un sometimes likes to leave out little details when he tells her things. “Take it off now please.”
He stares at first, unable to follow such a quick and seemingly random change of topic, but then he complies reluctantly, revealing the slender, toned body she has come to know so well over the years. Well enough to notice the slight swelling around his shoulder that is not supposed to be there and also the large, deep bruise, mostly hidden by the dark colour of his skin, only to be revealed upon close inspection. It must have taken a lot of force to produce something like that.
“Did Jaellien hurt you?”
“That is nothing. It doesn't matter”, Tos'un tries to evade immediately, but Sinnafein is already very familiar with that tactic of his.
“I think it does”, she only counters evenly. “Did he?”
“As I said, he pushed me against a tree and held me there.”
“And you think you deserved it.”
“Well, it was humiliating, to be sure, but in a way I almost liked it. It made me feel alive, as if I was standing on a thin ridge balancing over a chasm, even though it was painful it was also... exciting”, Tos'un forces out, still very unwilling to talk about this. “I probably did deserve it too. The pain.”
“You never told me you like that kind of thing.”
“You never showed any interest”, comes the clipped almost defensive reply. “Besides after trying it once with Hralien I decided that it would not be a good idea to bring issues of pain and control into our bed.”
“Hralien?!”
“That was more than twenty years ago”, Tos'un amends, secretly relieved that Sinnafein is not concentrating on his shoulder any more. “But it made me realize that I didn't want anything like that between us. It is one of the things which has always separated you from all the other women in my life. After I finally got used to the thought that you would not just grab me and push me down to fuck me on the nearest available surface no matter how much you might wish to, I did not want to look at you some day and be forced to remember some smirking priestess and her whip.”
The honest passion in Tos'un's words when he tells her this suddenly makes Sinnafein wonder.
“What would you do if you had to meet one of these other women today?”
He grimaces.
“Run as far and as fast as I could?”
“Exactly!”
“What, exactly?” Tos'un queries confusedly. “I have no idea what you mean.”
“Well, that's exactly the opposite of what Jaellien has done. He has not run anywhere but he came to you instead.”
“I rather think that while he may have come to me, he probably came because of you”, Tos'un counters with a deep frown, distrusting the direction their conversation seems to be taking.
“No, no. I would have visited anyway. He must have known that. There was no danger of losing either my or Doumi's friendship”, Sinnafein says decisively. “He must have come because of you.”
“I don't see how that would change anything”, her husband insists stubbornly.
“But it does! I think maybe he really only wanted to talk.”
With the way Tos'un is frowning he clearly does not believe her.
“Sinnafein”, he says carefully, “while I still cannot figure out exactly why he may have come, but I certainly don't think it was only to talk. I did terrible things to him. I used to take him out for hunting trips, but hunting in that case meant that I would order him to run, give him a few minutes head start and then proceed to hunt him down without mercy. Have you ever been hunted like that? Chased through the wilderness for days, with nothing to help you but the clothes on your back?”
He falls silent when Sinnafein only stares, deciding not to elaborate on how he also used to take special delight in surprising the utterly exhausted Jaellien by dropping down on him out of some tree to throw him onto the ground and proceed to fuck him viciously until he would scream in pain.
“I have not, as you very well know”, his wife retorts shortly, when he does not add anything more. “But with all the things I have been telling him about you over the years, he must have realized by now that you have honestly tried to make amends, that you are not who you were back then.”
“But who I am now does not change the past. Would you really want to just talk to someone who treated you like I did him? Hells, he was so furious yesterday that I almost expected him to attack me there and then and damn all consequences.”
“Well, it was a very emotional moment, don't you think? He said to me this morning that it simply overwhelmed him.” She stops and frowns mostly to herself now. “Of course that does not quite excuse him practically raping you.”
Now it is Tos'un's turn to stare.
“He didn't!”
“But you said...”
“I never told him to stop.”
“But...”
“And I...”, Tos'un bites his lip, clearly unsure whether he should say what he is about to say, but then he does continue. “I didn't want him to either. Not really.”
In the long moments of silence that follow Tos'un can only watch his wife thinking furiously as she tries her best to understand all that he has just implied. To have to watch her work through it is agonizing, but he loves her all the more for doing it. Nobody else has ever spent such a determined effort on trying to listen and understand him. Nobody else has ever cared enough. And he is terrified of losing that, of losing her. So to simply sit and watch her draw conclusions now without interfering is pure agony for him, but there is no other way if he wants to award her the respect she deserves, the trust that she will indeed stand by him as she promised.
“So, you do still desire him?” she asks eventually. “You welcome the pain? Both receiving and giving it?”
“I've never missed it with you”, Tos'un quickly focuses on the least complicated one of her uncomfortable questions.
“But it is something you would take if you were free to do so? You feel you need that?”
“I... maybe if... not often, but... probably?” Tos'un's voice sounds so very small when he says that, fingers clutching his own knees as if his life depended on holding on. It will surely cause some more bruises. “I'm sorry to fail you so”, he assures her almost desperately. “I'm quite sure it is not something that comes naturally to you and I would never demand that you try only for my sake. I am content with the way things are right now. There is no need to change anything.”
Sinnafein lets out a soft, thoughtful hum, surprised at how calm she suddenly feels after hearing such a confession. Even though she does not quite know how to deal with it yet. Maybe it is something she has always secretly suspected, knowing the way her husband was raised and spent a good part of his life.
“You know”, she says. “It is probably for the best that we never tried that together, for I feel that even though I might have been curious enough to make the attempt for your sake I don't think I actually have the taste for it.”
The pure relief on Tos'un's face tells her that she is moving in the right direction.
“I would never be able to put something like that on you and relish it”, she says and reaches out to lightly touch the discolored mark on his shoulder, not surprised when he takes the opportunity to crawl closer and move fully into her arms. Sinnafein holds him close and feels his arms sneak around her waist, while he hides his face in the crook of her neck, breath fast and shallow. He probably needs the reassurance just as badly as she herself does. Has she ever truly known him then, this person she has pledged her life to? It is not that she did not know, at least in theory, that he has murdered and committed some rather ghastly deeds. It is just that somehow knowing the theory does not compare to the actual realization. And yet she also feels love, as strong as ever. She hopes it will be enough. They spend a long time like that, merely holding onto each other, until Sinnafein feels her leg beginning to cramp under her.
“You realize that we can not just ignore this situation?” she finally forces herself to say, knowing Tos'un would rather go on in silence and ignore it all forever if she would let him. “I will need some more time on my own, to work through it and come to terms with all you have told me, but I will not abandon you, do you understand? I meant the vows I made to you and will not go back on them now.”
She can feel Tos'un tremble against her.
“Thank you”, he whispers into her neck. “I'm sorry that I can not be as good a person as you deserve. I'm sorry that I disappointed you like this.”
Sinnafein starts as something warm suddenly runs down her back. Could it be? She has never in all the years they have spent together witnessed Tos'un cry. But he is crying now, big, wet tears that run down his cheeks in eery silence. She sees them fall as she carefully takes his head into her hands to draw him up, so they are face to face. Before she knows it her own eyes have filled up too and the image blurs.
“I'm sorry”, Tos'un repeats insistently. “I love you and would give my life for you and Doumi. If I could have chosen, I would never have wanted you to witness that side of me.”
“Ah”, Sinnafein sighs deeply, not quite able to chase away the feeling of regret yet as she leans her forehead against his and closes her eyes. It seems ignorance really is bliss after all. “But you do try”, she concedes. “You have always tried hard and that is really all I can ask of you.”
And it is, for Tos'un can do just as little to change his past as she herself can. She will be damned though before she lets something like that stand in the way of her present day happiness! It will be a huge and probably painful effort, but Sinnafein is determined to make this work despite all obstacles life presents her with. The only question is: Will Jaellien see it the same way?
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Never say never