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Aftermath	By : singvogel Category: A through F > Forgotten Realms Views: 3056 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: The Forgotten Realms/recognisable characters appearing in this story are Wizards of the Coast, Inc., all rights reserved. They are used without permission and for entertainment purposes only. No profit is being made by the autor.

Chapter List
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Only after the end

Tos'un spends the next day quietly hating himself. It is worse than usual. He thinks that he should not have done what he did. The fact that he has participated even this much leaves him feeling terrible and dirty, unable to push it all away in the light of day, like he usually would. He is almost glad that Sinnafein is going to be away at least four more days, because as much as he misses her, he also does not want her to see his distress. After what he did he probably does not deserve her presence anyway, no matter how he longs for it. Jaellien always picks times like this to approach him and Tos'un suspects that the Mage has somehow devised a way to trace their movements. How else would he know? The thought is uncomfortable and he tries to shake it off, not wanting to think of the other more than he has to. His recent failure still hurts.

The following night is spent tossing and turning. Tos'un has changed the sheets and bathed, like he always does after these nighttime visits, but somehow he thinks he can still smell Jaellien around himself. It keeps him from resting. Maybe he really is turning mad.

When he stumbles out of the bedroom the next morning feeling more tired than when he went to bed Tos'un is greeted by the unprecedented sight of the blond elf sitting very still on one of the four chairs around their sturdy wooden table. The drow comes to a staggering halt, wondering if he might be having hallucinations. Jaellien has never come here during the day after that first incredibly awkward, uncomfortable visit more than five years ago. To see him sit in his kitchen now makes it all more real than Tos'un can bear at this moment. Dark green eyes regard him unflinchingly as he fights the urge to turn around and slam the door closed again to block out this unwelcome situation. Unable to bring himself to say anything the drow merely leans against the wall, waiting for whatever will come now.

"I have been thinking", Jaellien says almost neutrally, watching him intensely.

"About?" Tos'un finally asks wearily, when it becomes clear after some moments that his input is actually expected this time.

"You." Jaellien lips twist into an ugly self depreciating smile. "I do that far too often in any case, I will admit, but this was different. What you did..."

The drow only inclines his head, trying to squash the tiny sliver of hope which is rising inside him again. Hope is treacherous, he is aware of that, but he cannot help himself. He needs this all to end before he falls to pieces. Something has to happen, because they cannot go on like this.

"I need to know", Jaellien says, leaning forward intently, "did you mean it?"

He wishes he did not, but he knows exactly what the blond elf means when he says that. Tos'un can only hope that something will change with his sacrifice, for it will cost him so much. To give so much of himself is exactly what he has tried to avoid for the last years. But it appears that Jaellien will not be satisfied with anything less than that and Tos'un simply has no strength left to fight him any longer.

"Yes", he whispers very softly, already afraid of what might come after such a confession. "I did."

To his great surprise Jaellien actually looks astonished at the prompt answer.

"Somehow I never really expected something like this from you. I hoped for it of course, but I think I never actually expected it to happen", the Mage says after a few seconds, sounding as if he does not quite know what to do with the gift he has just been given. "I may have reacted too harshly, but you surprised me. I thought you were doing that to gain control, because you had finally figured out how much I wanted... I expected you to mock me. Only you never did..."

Tos'un can see how much Jaellien has to force himself to utter this strange almost apology. The way the mage's lips are thinning even as he speaks shows it clearly. He is aware that the other does not trust him. It is more than he has ever received before during the last few years though and the small flame of hope burns on.

"We are too good at hurting each other", Tos'un whispers, still wary of this sudden change in the established routine, but quietly hoping that this will finally be enough. After this he has nothing else left.

"Will you come to Silverymoon? For a little while?"

Even though Jaellien tries to hide it Tos'un can see the desperate hunger in him. It startles him in its intensity, because he has never been able to see it so clearly, overlaid with anger as it usually is.

"You would really want me to do that?"

The request is unexpected to say the least. It leaves Tos’un unsure of what might happen next.

"I have resigned myself to wanting you a long time ago", Jaellien admits, tiredly as if it surprises him that Tos'un has not figured this out for himself. "If you finally offer some part of yourself other than your body then I do not want to share it. At least for a short time. I am selfish enough to enjoy it while I may."

To say that Tos'un is surprised by this sudden admission is quite the understatement.

"I never thought that you would want something like that", he says carefully, already prepared for an angry response, but this time Jaellien merely frowns, rubs his face tiredly and says: "All I got from you during the last years I had to take by force, I don't know why it would surprise you so that once you finally decide to offer something worthwhile, I will take it gladly."

Tos'un only stares at the Mage for a few seconds, as if he has never seen him before. He wonders numbly how much pain he could have spared himself by doing this earlier, but he also knows that he could not have brought himself to give so much without this kind of strain, not until Jaellien had pushed him to the end of his endurance. And it will still hurt. It is not only his wife Tos'un realises now. It is a large portion of what makes this so hard, but there is also the fact that he has never wanted to bare himself to the other, to open himself up so much. It frightens him more than anything. There are parts of him even Sinnafein does not know, parts that Jaellien has already come closer to knowing than any other living being. They are also mostly the parts of himself he does not really wish to look at too closely from his current place in life.

"It is not an easy thing for me to do", the drow admits quietly, bowing his head forward until he can hide his face behind a merciful curtain of white hair.

"If it were so easy, then it would not have any value to me", Jaellien answers with a gentleness that is so unusual for him it almost comes as a shock to Tos'un. "You took so much from me", the blond elf says and his voice carries the sadness and regret of many years, but for the first time there is more sadness than anger. He is getting up now, walking towards the drow, a searching look on his face, as if he needs reassurance that Tos'un will indeed give to him what he has promised by his actions. Only when the other is standing directly in front of him Tos'un can finally bring himself to say something.

"Please...", he does not even know what he should ask for, only that he desperately needs some kind of reassurance if he really is to do this. "I am more vulnerable than you seem to think", he finally pleads without really pleading.

Nonetheless he lets his head fall onto the robed shoulder in front of him, wondering how it can be that he actually feels comforted by the gesture when Jaellien embraces him slowly, a little hesitant, as if searching for the right way to do this. After the long time both of them have spent hissing and snapping at each other in defensive anger it feels strange now to let this happen. It is so very different form their usual encounters.

"You still hide it so well though, don't you?" Jaellien says softly, his warm breath ghosting across the drow's neck until Tos'un shivers.

"Hiding things used to be a matter of survival for the better part of my life", the Tos'un reminds him, speaking into the warm cloth beneath his face. "Even though it seems to cause me more hurt than good now it is not something I will ever be able to let go of entirely."

"No. I guess not."
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Aftermath