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Emptiness	By : Josephine1881 Category: M through R > The Phantom of the Opera > Slash Views: 8257 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Phantom of the Opera, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Chapter Twenty

By the time I left the church, having dutifully said my five Hail Marys, I found that it wasn’t nearly late enough to go to the opera. It was mid-afternoon, and I had agreed to meet Erik sometime during the performance, since the chances of anyone seeing me then would be remote. But what was I to do now? Going home was out of the question. Even if my sisters had already left, Philippe would still be there, trying to make me talk to him. So I decided to go for a good, long walk instead.

There was a nice little park about a mile away from the church. Since it was a sunny day, the paths and meadows were full of children with their mothers or governesses. It was a very peaceful picture, reminding me of my own childhood. I could almost see myself running among the children, a small, skinny boy followed by a slightly older girl, Clarille. I had stolen her doll or her comb every so often, just to tease her a little. She had usually caught up with me quickly, and we had fought for a few moments before becoming best friends again and walking over to Sophie hand in hand, asking her to tell us a story. It had been good times.

Somehow, Philippe never played a big role in those memories. He had rarely spent time with my sisters and me, unless our governess had forced him to do so. On those occasions he had often broken our toys and reduced Clarille and me to tears, till Sophie had sent him away. At that time he had still listened to her, at least every now and then. He had never belonged to us. He had had his friends, and I had had my sisters.

Naturally, our relationship had grown a little more loose over the years, especially after their weddings. The day my sisters had left the family home had been one of the worst in my life. I had needed weeks to comprehend that they were no longer there, and the urge to simply walk into their rooms when I wanted to talk to them had remained for months. We had always been able to talk about everything…

…and still I doubted that I could tell them about Erik and me. Settling down on a bench in a remote corner of the park, I heaved a sigh. It was true that I had already told one person about us, but talking to the priest had been fairly easy, since he was used to hearing bad things about other people and wasn’t allowed to tell them to anyone else.

Of course, my sisters wouldn’t tell my secret to anyone either, for they’d be too shocked and embarrassed. Their brother, in love with a man! I didn’t know how they’d deal with such news. They had been so pleased to hear that I had supposedly met a girl, and while I didn’t think they’d shun me, I was afraid of disappointing them. Perhaps Christine hadn’t been the perfect girl they had imagined as my future wife, but at least she had been a girl.

I could almost hear Sophie’s concerned voice, not unlike the priest’s. ´Are you sure that this is what you truly want, Raoul? I understand that you find it difficult to continue your life in the usual way after Christine’s death, but being with a man? Don’t you think that’s a little too… extreme?´ ´You don’t have to get a new girl immediately,´ Clarille would go on. ´I know how annoying Philippe can be with his teasing, but you don’t have to rush anything.´ I gave a bitter laugh. As if I only was with Erik because I needed a change!

And after the piece of information that I was in love with a man, I’d have to reveal who that man was. The only good thing about it was that after those first news, my sisters would probably be too shocked to argue a lot. They’d merely stare at me incredulously, muttering ´The Phantom of the Opera?´ in faint voices. Maybe they’d even alert a doctor, assuming I had gone insane.

But in the end, they would believe me. And that was when the disappointment would start, the disappointment that their little brother, whom they had brought up together with so much love, was… abnormal. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. I couldn’t do that to them. And I couldn’t do it to me either. Apart from Erik, Sophie and Clarille were the only friendly people left in my life. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing them.

Sighing again, I closed my eyes and tried to comfort myself with pictures of last night. Yet to my horror, I had to find that it didn’t work anymore. Suddenly I saw everything from my sisters’ point of view. If they had had any idea that I had spent last night exchanging kisses and caresses with another man, they’d have probably refused to sit at the same table as me.

Then, unbidden as usual, my brother’s voice pushed its way among the images, and suddenly I saw the infamous Comte doing all those things with me, while Philippe commentated everything for Richard and Alexandre.

“And here’s a very good example of how abnormal they are,” he said as the Comte forced his lips upon mine. “They kiss, just like a man and a woman do.”

“Most fascinating,” Richard stated, leaning forward to get a closer look. “A sin against God indeed. They belong into the seventh circle of hell, there’s no doubt about it.”

I woke up with a start, gasping for breath. For a few moments, I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing here. Slowly I recalled that I was in a park, waiting for it to become evening. Well, that at least I had accomplished. Looking up, I saw that the sun had already sunk below the level of trees, tinging their leaves golden. It was a beautiful sight, yet my wariness allowed me to enjoy it for a moment only. Then I patted my pockets hastily, making sure that my money and the keys were still there. Dozing off in a park could end very badly if the wrong kind of people came by. Fortunately that did not seem to have happened in my case.

I had no idea why I had fallen asleep at all. It seemed that ever since I had met Erik again, I needed as much sleep as an infant. I smiled to myself. Erik would have doubtlessly liked that comparison. Perhaps I’d share it with him later. But first there were more important things we had to discuss. I thought wryly that at least I wouldn’t have to let him in on the secret that I loved him. He already knew it perfectly well.

Suddenly growing restless, I jumped up from the bench and started walking down the now deserted path. I couldn’t wait to see Erik again. I wasn’t sure whether he’d understand my worries, though. It strongly depended on which mood he’d be in. He had shown more that once that he could be very sensitive… if he wanted to, that was. And there was no time like the present to find out whether he was in the right mood now.

By the time I reached the opera, the sun had vanished entirely. I consulted my pocket watch as I stood in front of the entrance doors and realised that the second act of the opera had probably already begun. According to Erik, it was a good time, since the coaches sent to fetch people would not have come yet. The corridors would be as empty as the paths in the park now. I threw a brief glance over my shoulder to make sure no one was watching me and entered the building.

I made my way to Christine’s dressing room without detours. Over breakfast, I had been forced to admit that I probably wouldn’t find the way back to Erik’s world without help. To my surprise, he hadn’t laughed at me, but merely suggested that we’d meet at the mirror and he’d show me a second time. I couldn’t help thinking that he rather enjoyed his role as a teacher.

Arriving at the right door, I pulled out the most precious of my keys. Since we hadn’t arranged an exact time when we’d meet, I didn’t know whether Erik was already there. A tingle of excitement rose from my stomach. Yes, I was indeed looking forward to seeing him again. I inserted the key into the key hole, yet the door was pulled open before I could turn it.

“At last!” Erik breathed, pulling me into the room by the arm. He closed the door behind me and pushed me against it. The next few minutes were a whirl of lips and tongues and of hands gliding over annoyingly dressed bodies. Our welcome was even more passionate that I could have hoped, and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it. Now that I was with Erik again, I didn’t know how I had survived the hours without him.

It was only when his lips left mine as he looked down to unbutton my shirt that I remembered what I had planned to do first.

“We need to talk,” I blurted out.

His hands were pulled back at once, and he looked up at me.

“Of course,” he said with a little sigh. “I should have realised that this was too easy. What is it this time?”

I could practically see his feelings disappear behind a mask of indifference that was much more difficult to remove that the porcellain one he was wearing.

Cupping his face, I whispered gently:

“Don’t be like this, Erik. I just want to ask you one question, then we can go on.”.

He tried to glare at me, but there was a tiny smile playing around the corners of his mouth.

“You should better start then,” he gave back. “I can wait. But can you?”

I hadn’t even noticed his hand creeping down my body until it cupped a completely different part of me. I gave an undignified little squeak and swatted his hand away, telling that certain part of myself that there’d be a lot of time for such things later.

Erik took a step backwards and folded his arms in front of his chest.

“So?” he prompted.

“Is it wrong what we’re doing?” I asked quickly. “I mean, morally wrong…” I added, just to make sure he understood me.

“What exactly are you referring to?” he wanted to know matter-of-factly. “Is it wrong that we’re talking to each other, after all that has happened between us? Is it wrong that we’re meeting… kissing… touching?” He paused for a moment, and when he went on, his voice was heavy with disappointment. “Is it wrong that we love each other? Is that what you mean?”

His questions sent a wave of pain directly into my heart.

“No!” I all but shouted. “That is not what I mean. I don’t… I could never regret loving you.” My cheeks flushed scarlet because of my boldness, but I didn’t look away from him. His gaze grew soft.

“I believe you,” he said, and there was something like astonishment in his voice. “But what is it that you want to know then?”

I realised that ‘d have to tell him more before he’d understand me.

“You know that I’ve been home to have lunch with my brother and my sisters,” I began. “Well, after we had eaten, Philippe and I sat together with the husbands of my sisters, and my brother told us a story about a Comte who… who prefers men to women, if you know what I mean. And then they all started talking about how disgusting and abnormal that is and that men who do such things belong in hell…”

“And now you want to know whether you’ll go to hell as well?” Erik asked with a wry smile. “I’ve already told you that I’m not the right person to ask about such matters. I don’t – “

“I’m not worried about my soul… at the moment,” I assured him. “I just want to know why people say such things about others… about men like us. We’re not abnormal, we’re just… different.” I had slipped into the use of ´we´ almost without noticing it, and when I did notice it, I didn’t mind. I belonged to that group of people now. By insulting one of them, my brother had also insulted me.

“Speak for yourself,” Erik said bitterly, with no hint of a smile. “I’ve been called abnormal more often that I can count.”

“But you’re not!” I called hotly. “You’re different, yes, but not abnormal. People who say such things about you are just ignorants. If I hear someone make one such comment, I’ll… I’ll hit them!”

“I love you, silly boy,” he stated, shaking his head. The smile had returned to his face. “I well and truly love you.”

I didn’t give a verbal reply, but wrapped my arms around his waist, and we shared a long kiss.

“If someone saw us doing this, they’d hit me,” he remarked after a few moments.

“Exactly,” I muttered. I felt as if my heart, which had been so light before, had been punctured, making all the joy pour out. “Why would they do that? What’s wrong about two men kissing each other? Our love is just as real and wonderful as theirs. Why can’t they just accept it?”

“You just said it yourself,” Erik reminded me. “We’re different.”

“How can you take this so lightly?” I wanted to know miserably. “Doesn’t it make you feel awful?”

“I’ve been different for all my life,” he replied. “One more aspect of being different hardly matters. It’s not like that for you, of course.” He gave me a sympathetic smile.

“When I sat together with my brother and the others and they were talking about how disgusting sodomy is, I felt so lonely, as if I were the only person in the world who is in that situation,” I admitted in a low voice.

“You’re not,” Erik said, suddenly looking almost cheerful. He pulled out his pocket watch, threw a brief glance at it and nodded. “Just the right time,” he muttered to himself. “Come with me. There’s something I’d like to show you.”
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Emptiness