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Learning to Breathe	By : andarte Category: Twilight Series > Het F > Bella/Jacob Views: 5613 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
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I should have realized sooner that my luck wouldn’t hold. I’m Bella Swan, so of course disaster will catch up with me eventually. The fact that I had now chosen Jake and felt much better for doing so was beside the point. It was late Saturday night and I’d just gotten home from La Push. In the morning there was school, and I highly doubted that Charlie’s “anything is good if it involves Jacob” attitude would cover skipping classes too. I’d hoped that Edward would wait to confront me about my actions until tomorrow. I needed at least that long to think of what to say.

Instead, he was waiting in my room when I got home. As he lay on my bed his body was relaxed, but his eyes flashed with concern and anger. Did he know? I couldn’t help but wonder where Alice’s limits extended. If she couldn’t see my intention to go to La Push until it was too late, would she now have seen anything to suggest my decision? How far could Jacob’s werewolf side hide things?

“Hey,” I said finally, dropping my keys on my desk and throwing my jacket on the chair. I was surprised I managed to form that one word successfully. Whether Edward knew everything or not, his expression said he at least knew something, and I was not prepared for this.

“Why, Bella?” he asked. “You know you worry me when you go there. I can’t protect you in La Push.”

Ah. So he didn’t know everything. Or if he did he was damn good at hiding it. Somehow I don’t think Edward would feign ignorance in this instance. “Well, we do need to talk about it,” I said slowly. “I know you couldn’t protect me there, but Jake could. I know you have a low opinion of the werewolves, and their opinion of you is no higher, but... really... both of you would be able to protect me if it came to it.”

“If he loses control--” began Edward, but I cut him off.

“No, let me speak my mind before I lose the nerve,” I said. “He and his kind are no more in danger of losing control than you and yours. They may have tempers, but at least they don’t crave my blood. I really get sick of hearing you talk about Jake that way when we both know that he’s the only reason I lived through you leaving me.”

“I’m sorry, Bella,” said Edward. “I see now how my leaving didn’t work out for the best, but I had your interests in mind.”

“That’s the whole point,” I continued. “You always have my interests in mind, but rarely do you factor in what I want in any given situation. You decide for me, assuming that you know best, and then when it blows up in our faces you cite your intentions as an excuse. I want to make my own decisions, Edward. I can’t breathe like this.”

We were both quite for a minute. I very long minute. Awkwardness filled the room, and my stomach felt like it was playing some weird game of Twister inside me. Eventually, Edward spoke. “I see. I... uh... I will try to back off some. I understand that you are your own person.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “You can’t, Edward. You might be able to manage it for a few days. A week. Maybe even longer. But eventually you won’t be able to, and I can’t go back to that. It’s who you are, to want to protect others. It’s just that your way of protecting people doesn’t work with my way of living.”

His voice was strained. “What, exactly, are you saying, Bella?”

“I’m saying...” I started, my voice cracking halfway through. “I’m saying we aren’t meant to be, Edward. We need to stop pretending we are, or we will both end up miserable.”

“I see,” was all he said.

I pressed on, trying to get out everything I needed to say. “That doesn’t mean I don’t care for you, or that I want to stop seeing you and your family. I love you all dearly. I just can’t be happy while we are in a relationship, and I realized yesterday that I have been lying to myself for awhile.”

“So you ran to the werewolf?” he asked, his jaw clenching. “You smell like him. More so than from most visits.”

“One of the things I realized yesterday,” I explained, choosing my words carefully, “is how much he has always been there for me. How... how he doesn’t make decisions for me. I’m happy when I’m around him. Even when my heart was broken from you leaving, he managed to bring light into my world. I needed to talk to him.”

Edward was carefully unclenching his hands and forcing his body relaxed. He seemed close to losing it. “Did you get all your talking done?” he asked bitterly, his expression showing just how much he had rather accurately read between the lines.

“Please don’t be mad at me, Edward,” I begged. “I just—”

“Don’t. Just don’t,” he said, not even looking at me. “I’ll get over this eventually, I think. Not loving you, I’ll never get over that. But I’ll get over you choosing a werewolf instead. I’ll get over that much at least, if not anything else. Not now, though. I can’t look at you now.”

When Edward wants to move quickly he can do so faster than the human eye can see. A second later he was gone, and the breeze coming in through my open window chilled me to the bone.

That night I went to bed crying. I was happy, mostly, but it had hurt me to see Edward in such pain. When I got to school the next day, only one Cullen showed.

“Oh, Bella,” said Alice, hugging me close. “I’m so sorry, Bella.”

“Sorry?” I asked, confused. “Why are you sorry?”

“My visions have changed,” she explained carefully. “I see another future for you that I couldn’t before. I guess you know why. Now that you have spoken to Edward, it’s a little clearer for me. Still blurred, what with Jacob Black involved, but I can see you happy. I see now that while turning you and bringing you into the family was the best thing of what I could see before, it wasn’t better than the path you are on now. I’m sorry if anything I said nearly pushed you into the wrong decision. I only want you happy, Bella.”

Her words brought tears to my eyes once more, and here I was thinking I’d already cried all the tears I had. “Thank you, Alice,” I said warmly. “You don’t know how much better that makes me feel. Is Edward...”

“He went to visit friends for a little while,” Alice said. “He saw my new vision before he left, though. Edward needs time, Bella, but I think what he saw convinced him you will be happier this way. That’s all he wants for you.”

“And everyone else?” I asked hopefully.

“I think we will all need time,” she answered calmly. “The others can’t see my vision like Edward can, and it’s not the same trying to explain to them. They aren’t angry. Just, well, I suppose hurt is the word. We all love you very much, Bella. It’s like losing a member of the family, having you choose the wolves over us.”

I just looked at her for a minute. “I still love all of you,” I told her. “I’ll be here, you know, when everyone realizes that the werewolves don’t have to be your enemy.”

The rest of my day went by in a blur. When I got home, Jake was waiting for me. He seemed to know without my needing to say that I’d spoken to the Cullens. He didn’t press me for details. He didn’t appear arrogant over my choice. He just took me in his arms and held me close. I took a deep breath then, reveling in having him so close to me. It was if I’d been holding my breath since last night, not even realizing it. But now I could breathe, all because of Jake.
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Learning to Breathe