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Focused Madness	By : fusedtwilight Category: Twilight Series > General Views: 3772 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Chapter List
- 31
- 32
- 33
Focused Madness
Chapter 32

Fusedtwilight: Thanks to my beta animegirlkiki for betaing, thanks to x-rayLady, Babaksmiles, karenaren, Illyria, Evil-Angel-23, Jutunis, sunkissedchris, Jada91, Noble Korhedron, klr52, pink star art, toshii519, o0FLAM350o, and stina whatever for the reviews.
Last chapter Matthew sacrificed himself to save everyone. Joham and his army are defeated, but Leah must now deal with the soul shattering loss of the most precious person in her life.
Will Leah survive this loss? Or will it be too much?

Fred P.O.V
We stayed in Volterra for three days to recover.
But I don't think all our wounds will recover if we had three lifetimes.
Leah cried a lot on the first day. After she woke up from being shocked asleep by Kate she cried and she raged. I was there for her, Nahuel was there, Seth and the other wolves were there, but nothing could help.
My eyes burned a lot that day. We all cried for Matthew. His loss affected us all. Some more then others.
The human media is reporting that the fire from the sky was some kind of gas leak. Not everyone is buying it, some are saying it was a terrorist attack, some are saying it was a sign God was angry. All kinds of theories are abound. Some are even saying it was aliens planning their attack on Earth.
The second day Leah was silent. She didn't cry; she didn't speak to anyone. Just stared off into space, her mind a million miles away.
I never left her side. I thought about Matthew a lot, how could I not. I remembered the first time we met. I remembered how strange he was, how brave he was to speak to me all by himself. I remembered how we used to wrestle in the woods, how I used to teach him when Leah was away at work. I remembered all the holidays we had, the nights we would hunt together, how we would challenge one another to catch the biggest prey.
I remembered how he was so innocent, yet so broken. His sanity on a fragile thread. That Thread snapped that night of the battle. Seeing Leah dead caused something dark and deadly to come forth in him. I have seen him in many moods, but never did I ever see him like that.
The Cullen's and wolves phoned over to Washington to let everyone know everything was okay. They told them we would be back soon.
Leah refused to talk to her mother. She didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't speak, just sat there and stared off into space.
On the third and final day we prepared to leave, but before we did Aro had a huge meeting in the main hall.
“Once again, we stand victorious my children. But not without a cost,” Aro said. “Six of our guard were lost in the battle. As was one brave young man.”
Aro looked to us, his usual smile on his face.
“Carlisle, we owe you much. Had you not warned us I shudder to think of what would have happened.”
“No one wants a war Aro, especially not us,” Carlisle said.
“Still, we are in your debit.....that is new for us, we have never owed another before.”
“No, we have not,” Caius said, not looking pleased at being in debt to anyone.
“Still a reward is due. For the wolves I think an anonymous donation to your tribe is due. I know your economy is not the best,” Aro said.
“We don't need your money, we can take care of ourselves,” Jake said gruffly.
Aro laughed. “My dear boy, please, take the money....I insist,” Aro said. His tone was friendly, but there was an undertone that said Jake and his tribe had no choice but to accept.
“Now as for the Cullens who have no use for money, we know you have had problems with nomads before. So from this day forth the Cullen clan, the Olympic coven along with their cousin coven the Denali clan will be listed as untouchable. From this day forth, should any nomad dare raise their hand against you they will have us to answer too. It is the least we can do to say thanks.”
“Thank you Aro,” Carlisle said bowing his head respectfully.
“Now, as for the matter of young Matthew. I have a gift for you all.”
He snapped his fingers and one of the doors on the side of the hall opened. Two vampires came in carrying something wrapped in a red cloth. They sat it down on the center of the floor. They took the red cloth off and we all stared in shock.
Leah moved, taking a few stepped closer to get a better look.
It was a marble statue, made to look just like Matthew. I don't know who made it, but it was so perfect. They got everything right, the size, the mass, everything. Even the smile on his face. It was eerie.
“For his sacrifice to save our world, both human and vampire, Matthew Clearwater will be remembered now and forever, a hero to all. We will build statues and paintings of him, poems will be written about his bravery. This I promise, although humanity will not know what he has done, Matthew will never be forgotten.”
Leah touched the face of the statue; she put her hand to her mouth and began to cry.
I put my hand on her shoulders; she hugged me, put her face on my shoulder and began to cry. I looked away from the statue, the realness was too good. Looking at it was just a bitter reminder of what we had lost.
We thanked Aro and the others for their generosity and left. Aro had arranged a private jet to take us back to Forks.
The atmosphere was different then what it was when we flew to Volterra. Everyone was quiet, more subdued, we were all still in shock at what happened. Still trying to come to terms that he was gone.
Leah stared out the window for the entire time. We did not try to get her to talk, we knew it was pointless. She needed her space. The loss of Matthew hit her the hardest, I feared her pain went deeper than any of us thought.
“Edward, are we going to have to watch her?” I asked him mentally.
Leah's depression might turn suicidal. It happened sometimes, one loss can make a person loose all hope.
Edward glanced at me and nodded. I bit my lip and glanced at Leah. I won't let her go through this alone. None of us will. But I fear that she won't make it easy for any of us.

Leah P.O.V
“Mom! Dad!” Nessie yelled.
Charlie dropped her off at the Cullen's. The second she saw Edward and Bella she ran to them. She jumped at Edward and he caught her in his arms and hugged her tight. Bella put her arms around Edward and her daughter and they had a big family hug.
I looked away, unable to see such a powerful show of family love.
“So, how was your trip?” Charlie asked.
“The usual, boring,” Bella said.
Charlie just smiled. “Well I got to get going, sorry I can't stay longer, but there a call of some drunkard causing a scene and I got to take care of it,” Charlie said.
He left leaving us all alone.
“Where is Matthew?” Nessie asked.
No one answered her. When we left she had been hopeful we would succeed. I did not stick around to find out what would be said.
“I'm going home,” I said.
I got up and headed outside, no one followed me. I was close to the woods when a voice sounded behind me. “Leah.”
I spun around. It was Fred. “God damn it, I told you don't do that!” I said.
“I am sorry. I just wanted to see how you were doing,” he said.
“Fine, my son is dead and I am just peachy,” I snapped.
“Leah....I am sorry-”
“You should be! It's all your fault!”
He looked at me taken aback. “Leah?”
“What good are you? We gave you a home, we sheltered you, but what good are you? Your supposed to have this great big power and you couldn't even protect us.”
An angry look washed over his face. “You don't think I know that? You don't think I blame myself? Believe me I do Leah.”
“Well good, as long as we are on the same page then!” I headed for the woods. “And by the way, the answer is no!”
I knew he would figure I was referring to when he proposed to me. I was being a raging bitch but I didn't care. I was so angry, so fucking pissed and I could not hold it in.
I was just about to phase when Seth showed up. “Hey,” he said.
“How is the little leech?” I asked.
He frowned, but ignored what I said. “Hard, she and Matthew were friends, she is crying right now.”
“Load of good it is doing now,” I said.
“Come on Leah, don't be like that,” he said.
“Like what?” I snapped.
He sighed. “Nothing, let’s go home.”
We phased and headed for home. I was glad he couldn't hear my thoughts. I didn't want anyone in my mind right now, I doubt anyone could touch my mind and come out unscathed right now.
When we were close enough to home we phased and walked the rest of the way there. The light on the porch was on, I could hear mom inside. I don't know how she knew we were there, but before we hit the steps the door opened and there she was.
Her face was both sad and happy. She already knew what happened.
She kissed us both and hugged us. I welcomed the hug. “I am so glad you are both safe.” she looked at me and her eyes widened. “Good lord Leah you look horrible.”
“Thanks mom,” I said snarkly.
“Your bed is ready, go get some sleep,” she said.
I was feeling exhausted. I haven't slept in days. Too many bad dreams. I silently made my way to my room. I closed and locked the door. Didn't want anyone coming in the have a nice talk and try to make me feel better. My state of mind I was libel to kill them.
I laid on my bed but I didn't sleep. I looked at my arm, the one that had the scar. This was the only thing I had left of him now. The only proof that I had a son once. A beautiful, beautiful little boy. With warm chocolate brown eyes and black hair and very bad grammar.
I held that arm close.
Many hours later I could hear mom and Seth talking, they must really think I was asleep.
“My God, did you see her eyes?” I heard mom say.
“She hasn't slept in a few days. Hasn't eaten. I am worried mom, she is starting to go back to her old self and I am worried it will be worse this time,” Seth said.
“I almost didn't recognize her Seth. What are we going to do?”
“Were going to have to watch her. Edward and Carlisle took me aside to talk to me real quick. They said we need to watch her...she may turn suicidal.”
“Suicidal?! My daughter?!” mom said sounding frantic.
“I know, I thought the same thing. But she is in a real dark place now. We need to watch her.”
“Oh hell she is all alone in her room!”
I heard feet quickly moving against the floor.
“Her heart is still beating mom, she is fine,” Seth said.
I heard mom release a breath of air. A sigh of relief.
“Oh Seth, what are we going to do?” mom asked.
“Be there for her, support her. That's all we can do mom.”
Suicidal? Me?
I would never take my own life.....would I?

Remembrance: The ability to remember, an act of calling to mind, a memory of a person, thin or event.
Example: Matthew's friends and family all speak of him in remembrance.

A few days later and for the first time ever La Push had a wake for a hybrid.
There was no body of course, but Matthew would be the first hybrid to ever be honored by the Quileute tribe.
Everyone came, all the wolves, both Jake's and Sam's, even the wolf pups showed up. The council, the imprints. The Cullens and the Denali coven. Jake convinced the elders to let Nahuel and his aunt on our land for the wake. Despite that fact, they drank human blood; they were well watched during the wake.
In the old days our ancestors would put the body of the deceased in a canoe and send them out to the ocean.
We don't do that anymore. We do the usual bury them six feet under thing, but since we had no body they amassed a lot of wood to form a massive bonfire. They tossed flowers and other special scented objects in that were supposed to help appease the spirits and shit like that.
Everyone wore black. Rain clouds filled the sky, I could smell the rain, it would fall soon.
First they had people come up and stand before everyone and give a little speech about Matthew and how they knew him and how he changed their lives.
“I met him by chance,” Carlisle said. “I had no idea what I was getting my family into when I took him in. He was such a wild child. Broke an orderly's arm.” everyone chuckled at that. The image of a full grown man being taken down by a child amused them. “He was blessed with a great power and an innocent look on the world. To him there was no good or evil, the world simply...was. It is always sad when a child dies. Although he was not fully human his purity gave him a level of humanity many would die to protect. I will never forget how he brought that innocence into my life and how he gave me hope for the future.”
People clapped and he went to join his family.
Esme went up next.
“I love children, all children. When my husband told me he found a hybrid child that had been wondering alone in the world my heart broke. I expected to find a frightened little thing, but Matthew proved even children can be strong. Strong to face the world and all the hardships it has to offer. I am glad we were able to shed some light in his life. Give him the love and care he so deserved. Had he been allowed to live I am sure he could have spread that love and shared it with the world.”
We all clapped again and she went to stand by her husband. Carlisle patted her on the shoulder and she kissed him on the cheek.
Emmett got up next. “I really loved that little punk,” he said with his big goofy grin. But it was not as warm as usual. “We used to wrestle and pull pranks and tell jokes. You spend a few decades with grownups and you begin to forget how fun being a kid is. When you are so young and full of energy, when your mind is so open to possibility and reality is yours to change. But Matthew could see a little deeper. Sure he was a kid, but he was also old in a way. Having lost his memory and strived to survive all alone made him seem like a grown up at times. He could understand pain so well and I think that was why we loved him so much, we have all experienced some kind of pain and he knew what it was like. I hope now he is in a world where there is no pain, where he can be happy and have lots of fun. And he better be ready for when we meet again because we're going to wrestle!”
Some people laughed, others chuckled. It was both a funny speech and really deep. Here I always thought he was an idiot.
Nessie went next. Her parents followed her but after a few steps she looked at them and shook her head. They backed down without a word, Jake watched her carefully. Maybe he was afraid she would fall down or something, I don't know. Fucking imprinting fucks you all up.
Nessie stood in front of us all, looking a little nervous. She took a deep breath and spoke in a shaky voice.
“Matthew was my best friend. Besides Nahuel he was the only other hybrid, plus he was closer to my age. I had a lot of fun being friends with him. He was so nice and kind, plus I thought he was cute.” she smiled, her voice had become less shaky and more confidant. “I wish I could have seen him one last time, we would talk about all kinds of things. I like to think of him as the brother I never had. I can't have friends with human children due to my condition, but thanks to him I got to know what it was like to have a friend my own age. I only wish we could be friends as adults.”
She bowed and went to go join her parents. A tear fell down her cheek and Bella wiped it away gently.
Seth went next.
“The first time I met him he tried to eat me,” he said.
I chuckled, a few people looked at me surprised. I hadn't laughed in a while. But the memory of that day....God that was such a great day.
“I was drinking from the creek, minding my own business when I catch his scent and he comes down from the trees. Then next thing I know I am naked and human. Then he goes from super psycho child killer to confused and puzzled. He was a good kid, I always wanted a little brother and being with Matthew helped me learn what that would be like. Then, I got to know what it would be like to be an uncle. He may not be a Quileute by blood, but he went down fighting for his friends and family, just like a wolf. And I dare say he could put some of us to shame.”
Jake's pack and myself let out a quick 'whoop, whoop!' mine was the loudest and proudest. Damn right he was a warrior! My boy could have kicked all their asses.
Sam and his pack followed our lead, as did the council and the imprints. A show of respect towards him.
A part of me felt grateful for it. But it was overshadowed by the sea of melancholy I felt.
Seth stepped down and to my surprise mom went next.
“I didn't know this young man. I heard all about him. I admit I was more scared of him because of what he was. But I was also grateful to him. He gave my daughter a little bit of light she needed. I am glad he was able to help make her into a stronger woman. I wish I could have been more supportive to her when it came to him. I also wish I could have met him. But I am proud to have him in my family and I will help make sure that future generations of Clearwaters know what he did for our family and our tribe.”
People clapped for her and she stepped down. Rose went, Alice went, Jasper, Bella, Edward, Jake, Embry, Quil, Carmen. Each talked about how much they cared for him, what they thought of him.
Eleazar was next.
“When I first met him I was amazed by him. To think such a small creature could have so much power in them. He had such potential, so many ways he could have used his gift. It shames me to think his own father, one of my own kind used him in such a manner. He could have gave hundreds of thousands love, compassion and warmth. But sadly most only use power to destroy. I so wish he could have lived, he saved the world, but I think he could have changed it, truly, for the better.”
Nahuel went up and spoke next.
“For many years I hated myself,” he said. “I like the rest of my kin killed my mother. I was lucky to have my aunt with me, otherwise when Joham would next find me I fear I would be dead with the rest of them. I always thought I was evil, that it was in my blood. Then I came here years ago and saw the Cullen's. Met Edward, his wife and their daughter. And although I did not hate myself no longer, I felt such envy. A good loving father, a beautiful mother. They were the family I always wanted. But then I met Matthew and I knew hope. I know normally we would be enemies because of the life me and my aunt live, but I owe the Quileute tribe a lot. You helped protect him when I could not. I wish I had gone with Leah when she left, but I knew I would be a burden, she would have her hands filled with Matthew. But now I am alone, my father, my sisters and their children are dead and if I could I would gladly switch places with Matthew. If anyone from my family deserves to live, it is him.”
He stood down and went to join his aunt. She squeezed his shoulder, in a comforting way.
Tanya, Garret, and Kate went. The clouds were darkening. It would rain soon. A few of the elders went, some of Sam's wolves. Their speeches were short. But all the same. How grateful they were to Matthew, and everything. Assholes. One minute they want to kill him now they have the balls to be standing up there acting all grateful.
It was only when Emily went to talk I really got mad.
“I only met him once and we all know how it ended,” she said.
Yeah, he tried to kill you. Because you had to get Sam to let you come to the fucking game!
My fists shook and Fred grabbed my hand. We had not spoken to one another since we got back, I hadn't really talked to anyone. They quickly learned the consequences of trying to comfort me.
“I hold no grudge, he is part vampire, blood lust is in their nature. We Quileutes have spent a long time hating vampires. We have our reasons and excuses. We have spent so long thinking them as evil and monsters I think we have forgotten they are people too. They feel love and pain just like the rest of us. Matthew taught us all an important lesson I think. Humanity isn't something you are born with. It's not about chromosomes, or DNA. Humanity is something we must earn. Vampires were human once, so were the werewolves. But Matthew was never human, but in his final hour he found out what it means to be human.”
People clapped but I didn't. She passed me on her way back, our eyes crossed and I looked away. I didn't care how nice and sweet her speech was. What did she know about humanity? She didn't know him at all. I bet she didn't think he was human when he was trying to kill her.
Sam went next. That surprised me. That surprised a whole lot of people.
“I know it is a shock to see me up here speaking about him,” he said. “I won't hide it, I never liked him. He was dangerous, to everyone. He tried to kill the woman I love and I would have hunted him to the ends of the earth if I could.”
I squeezed Fred's hand. I was starting to see red. How dare he speak about Matthew! If he doesn't get down now I swear to God I am going to kill him!
“But, I owe him a lot. He saved my friends from death and he made the world a better place for future generations. For that, I am grateful.”
He stepped down and I glared at him as he walked past.
Fred let go of my hand and went to speak.
“I spent two years of my immortal life with Matthew, for as long as I live I will always remember them as the best two years of my life. I was alone in the world, I had no idea what I was or what this new world I found myself in was. I was created for another’s desire for vengeance. But my creator and coven were killed and I had no purpose. Then I met Matthew and Leah, they helped me get back some of my humanity, they gave me not a coven, but a family. Matthew was like a son to me. I taught him, I raised him; I did everything a good father should do. My greatest regret in life is that I was too weak to save him, I hope he can forgive me.”
He stood down and then...it was my turn.
Everyone was silent as I walked forward to speak. What was I going to say? How could I speak so soon with his loss still so fresh? How do I put into words the grief I was feeling right now?
I stared at the crowd and they stared at me. I felt small rain drops on my skin, it was starting to rain.
“He was my son.....and I miss him.”
I went to join the others. It was funny wasn't it? I loved him the most yet my speech was the shortest. What else could I say? If I went on how much I loved him and how he changed my life we would be here for a while.
It was short, but it got to the point. I loved him and would miss him for the rest of my life. Sometimes words can't be used to describe the amount of pain you feel when a loved one dies.
They lit the fire and the herbs and flowers they put on it burned. The air was filled with the sweet smell of burning flowers, the smoke carried the scent far, making it stronger.
Billy spoke in Quileute. Telling the spirits to accept Matthew into the spirit world, that he may find peace. It was raining now, umbrellas were opened and people bowed their heads as he spoke.
Then it was done and over.
Some left right away, others lingered, some to talk, others to watch the fire burn. The fire was strong; as long as it didn't rain hard it would keep burning. Watching the fire brought back really bad memories.
Matthew falling into the chasm, the inferno waiting for him.
I looked away.
I saw Nahuel and his aunt heading for the trees. Some of the wolves followed them.
I ran over to them. “Back off,” I said waving them away.
“Sam said to watch them,” one of the wolves said.
“Well now I am watching them, now fuck off!” I snapped.
The backed off, stepping back ten feet but not leaving.
I turned to Nahuel. “Where are you going?”
“Home. There is no reason for me to stay,” he said.
His voice was so sad, so filled with pain.
“Nahuel....I-”
He put his fingers to my lips. “Joham killed Matthew, you died to save him.”
I rubbed my scared arm, taking some small comfort in the feeling of the skin marred by Matthew. It was paler then my body, it didn't stick out too much, but you would notice it. The skin there was about as cool as a humans. I was glad it wasn't ice cold. IT would be a bad contrast with the rest of my skin.
“About us. I know you have feelings for me. Strong feelings. But it won't happen Nahuel. I am sorry, you’re cool and wonderful in bed.” one of the boys behind me gagged. “One more word and I will break your fucking arms!” I growled at them.
The cowered from me, true fear was in their eyes. Did they really think I would do it? Or have I really just reached a new level of scary? Who cares, as long as they do what I say.
I turned back to Nahuel. “I have no time for romance in my life right now. And I am sick and tired of vampires and all their bullshit. I need to find someone more human, I can't handle any more drama or stress, I am sorry.”
He shook his head. “You are right, we would have been great for a while, but some love is like a simple flame, it burns bright but eventually it fades. I would not want to make your list of heart breakers.”
I nodded. “Well....good luck....hope everything works out for you.”
I turned to leave.
“Leah.”
“Yeah?”
I turned to look at him; he was looking at me rather worried.
“I see you are broken now, I am hurting too. But remember you still have friends and family, don't bring them any more pain.”
“Whatever,” I said.
I continued to walk away, never looking back. I heard movement and knew Nahuel and his aunt were leaving, with the wolves following them.
I walked up to mom and Seth. “I need to run, I'll see you guys later.”
No one said anything, they all let me go. When I hit the edge of the woods I looked back at the bonfire. It was still going strong. I wish he was here, he loved bonfires. We camped outside in Priddis many times.
Unable to hold it in anymore I ran into the woods, I phased, tearing my clothes to shreds. I had to run, so I ran. I ran, I ran, I ran.....I ran.
But no matter how far I ran, the pain was always there.

Fred P.O.V
I watched her run into the woods.
I wanted to follow her, but she was not in her right mind.
“I should follow her,” Seth said.
“No,” I said. “She needs to vent. If we follow her she will push us away.”
“But, what if she tries to hurt herself?”
“She is not having any suicidal thoughts,” Edward said.
Seth had a point though. No one could be close to her....except me.
“I will watch her,” I said.
“I thought you said we should give her space?” Seth asked.
“Only if we have someone who can not be seen, heard or acknowledged what so ever.”
I used my power. Seth's eyes got big and he looked around. I turned it off and he jumped. “Whoa! I hate it when you do that! It's like I know you are there, but I don't want to know you are there!” Seth said.
“My power is about repulsion. It touches the parts of the brain that deals with aversion and repulsion. I make your brain think I am so repulsive it refuses to even think of me. Leah will be so engrossed in her own thoughts it will be all that much easier.”
I took off into the woods, I turned my power on. I followed Leah's scent. It took me a while, but I found her in a cave resting, she was breathing hard and letting out little dog like whines. I knew she was grieving.
I staid by her side. She never knew I was there. She ran a lot, then would stop to rest, then run again. We were both soaked, the rain had begun to come down harder. It was around midnight and the moon was out, the clouds would cover it and send the land into darkness. But every once in a while she would shine her light on the earth.
Leah's fur shined in the moonlight, like pure silver.
She got up and looked at the moon, tears the size of gold balls fell from her eyes. She threw her head back and let out a howl that ringed through the night time sky.
I wanted to hug her; I wanted to tell her I loved her. But I remember what she said to Nahuel. I heard what she said. Any hope I had of their being an us was almost gone now. Leah had changed. I don't think she can ever love again.
But I will stay with her, I will never leave her. Even if she does find some lucky son of a bitch and grows old and dies I will always be there watching her. Her hidden angel in the night.
I listened to her howl. I was sure many people could hear it. I wondered what they would make of it?

The world's P.O.V
The Quileute have always had a powerful connection to wolves. It is said the tribe is descended from a pair of wolves turned into humans by the creator Q'Wati.
Only a few select now of the story of Taha Aki and the spirit warriors. The Quileutes never share the story with the pale faces, except for a few chosen who have truly earned the right.
Wolves are sacred to them, and it is forbidden for them to be killed.
So it was no surprise that when around midnight just about the whole reservation heard a wolf howl. The Quileutes have heard them all; they knew every tune a wolf had to offer.
But this howl scared then, for there was something to human about it, something that understood pain more than a wolf could. Children, awoken by the howl felt fear and went to their parent’s room to sleep with them. The parents let them and would hold their offspring close. A part of their minds recognized that something about the wolf howling had something to do with loss close to the heart.
The shape-shifters knew it was not an ordinary wolf howl. Since they transformed they could understand the wolf language better than any human. They knew it was Leah crying for Matthew. They could feel her pain in her voice. Some of them even shed a few tears.
The council and imprints had heard the shape-shifters howl before and they knew it was Leah, their hearts went out to her. Sue looked out her window, a tear falling down her face.
Sam Uley too stood by his window. Feeling a powerful instinct in his mind begin to surface he began to make his way to the door, but careful so not to wake his love.
“Going somewhere?” Emily asked.
“Em, I am sorry, I didn't mean to wake you,” he said.
“How can I sleep? How can anyone sleep with that? Where are you going?” she asked.
“I have to join her, a part of me....the wolf, it's telling me we need to sing.”
It had happened before. Sometimes the urge to howl was too great for the shape-shifters to resist and they would howl when they were happy, excited or feeling some powerful emotion they needed to release.
Emily smiled. “I understand, the others will probably join you. Howl extra for me,” she said.
“I will.”
He kissed her on the head and went to leave the house.
Over at Jacob's he was heading out hos own door when he saw his father.
“Dad?”
“You are going to howl with her aren't you?”
Billy remembered when his old man and his group did the same thing. He knew his son, being the alpha would have a strong desire to howl as well.
“Yeah, I will be back soon.”
“Son, you are a grown man. Stay out as long as you need. But make sure you sing your ass off tonight. Give her every bit of support you can muster. She will need it.”
Jacob nodded.
He left his house, all over La Push the shape-shifters snuck out from their homes. When they were deep in the woods in their wolf forms, they gathered together. Not wanting to disturb their sister in her moment of solitude.
Together in unison they threw their heads back and howled with her. Sharing her pain.
La Push was filled with the sound of howling shape-shifting wolves. The locals would be shaken a little by it, many ghost stories would be made to explain the loud howling Leah never paused howling. But she did cry, thankful for the support of her friends.
Fred's eyes burned. He was glad it was raining. The water falling on his eyes and sliding down his face helped him feel like he was.

Despair: To lose all hope or confidence.
Example: After Matthew's death, Leah falls further into despair.

Leah P.O.V
Weeks later and I had not improved.
I had not found relief, or closure or any kind of comfort. I was anti-social, never leaving my room and not talking to anyone.
Many had tried, all had failed, when I got tired of them I yelled at them, called them names. In the end they left me alone in disgust.
I and Seth had a major fight one day, Seth tried to bring me out of my funk, but I fought him. Literally, I punched him in the face and we both phased.
Suffice it to say mom was not happy when she got home.
The Volturi were true to their word and La Push received an anonymous donation. We made the news. Everyone wanted to know what saint sent a check with that many zero's to a small reservation?
Although the council was loathed to take it they had no choice. What reason could we give for refusing the money?
'Yeah, this came from a bunch of blood sucking vampires we helped save, but we don't want it.'
Yeah, that would go over well. The plus side was the money was well used. We used it to renovate many tourist attractions, and buildings of special significance. The schools were given new kinds of books. La Push received a serious upgrade in the educational department.
I should be happy, but I can't find anything in me that should be happy. I have been trying to sleep, even my body needs it. But I always have nightmares. I haven't been eating as much, only when the pain is too great for me to bear do I give in.
But then I decided....I have had enough.
You hear that world? You win. I Leah Clearwater give up. I can't take this shit any more. Sam, dad, Matthew. It's too much. Funny thing about dad is I don't feel any guilt, though I still miss him.
Today I die. Today I finally let death have me. I already died once, it is only right I go back. It's only right I re-establish the natural order of things.
I have tried, I really have. I have patrolled. I am still an independent alpha female. But I have to do something.
I have tried talking about it, but it is only repetition, it never gets any easier. I hated being around people. They were so happy and I hated it. How can there be any happiness when Matthew is dead? I hate how they look at me. Pity, sympathy. What do they know? They don't know my pain.
So yeah, I have tried, but I am just so tired. I can't go on, I need to rest. I need to sleep. I need to escape the world and all the pain and suffering.
So first I wrote a letter. It was for everyone. I was going to write something very depressing and angry but I didn't want to leave something hate filled behind.
So I simply told everyone I loved them all, hell I even included Sam and Emily. I told them all I was sorry and not to blame themselves. I did the best to explain why I am doing it, and all I can do is hope they understand. Some emotions just can't be put in written form. I told Seth to keep on going and to take care of mom and to be stronger then I ever was.
I sealed the envelope and locked my door and jumped out the window. I walked inside, mom and Seth were watching TV.
“Leah, what are you doing?” mom asked.
I hugged her and then Seth.
“I love you both, I just wanted you to know that. I know....I have not been right and I am sorry for making you suffer. I hope you can forgive me.”
“Leah, we're just glad you are finally talking to us,” mom said.
“Yeah, we are so worried about you. We're always talking about what to do about you,” Seth said.
“Well don't worry, I will be fine.” I put on a fake smile. “Hey Seth, you know Jerry Slawn?”
“The old drug dealer?” he asked.
Jerry Slawn went to my school. He was about my age but sold weed and pills in school. He didn't do much with his life after he graduated except selling more drugs. Until Sam scared him straight.
“Yeah, he still living in his old house?”
“Yeah, Sam is getting ready to talk with him. Apparently he has been up to no good again.”
“Perfect, I will go handle it,” I said.
“Sam said he would-”
“Yeah, he tried once and failed. This needs a woman's touch.”
“Leah,” mom said sternly.
I rolled my eyes. “I promise I won't kill her or physically harm him,” I said.
I turned around and headed out the door. “I love you guys,” I said.
I knew where to go next. I phased and ran to Jerry's. Hopefully he would have what I needed. I wanted to go out peaceful. I wanted to leave something behind for them to bury. I didn't want to do the whole cut wrists, I would heal long before I died of blood loss, I would heal instantly.
Jerry lived in a crappy little house. His parents had been drunk and violent. I guess it helped explain why he was such a dick.
I could hear him inside. The TV was on loud, why was he watching cartoons?
I knocked hard on the door. “Open up!” I yelled.
I kept on pounding until it opened. Jerry was rather attractive, he had heavy bags under his eyes though, like he had been staying up late a lot. I could smell the weed on him; I knew he was dealing again. “Leah Clearwater?” he asked when seeing me.
I pushed him inside and closed the door.
“What the fuck!”
I slapped him across the face. It wasn't hard by my standards but he fell to the ground. He cut his lip and it bled pretty bad. “What the fuck!”
I placed my foot on his chest and added pressure. He wheezed for breath. “You have been a bad boy Jerry, Sam warned you about dealing,” I said.
“So you did join that freak!” he said. “I would have never guessed you of all people would join that cult!”
“Sam isn't a cult; he is a man the likes of which you could never hope to be!” I growled.
“Ple-please you’re hurting me!” he said. He tried to get my foot off, but I was much stronger then him.
“Tell me where all your drugs are! I want all your pills!”
“Alright follow me!” he said.
I let him up and followed him into the kitchen. I could hear Sponge bob playing in the living room. I guess pot heads like watching cartoon shows.
He led me into his kitchen and bent down to the cabinet below the sink. There was a padlock on it. Probably didn't want anyone to steal from him. He undid the lock and opened it up. He began to pull out dozens of pill bottles.
“Where the fuck did you steal all this?” it had to be stolen.
“Pharmacy. Got a job there.”
“Doing what?”
“Janitor.” was all he said.
I looked at the bottles. I knew enough about medicine to ditch the weak shit.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Have any booze?” I asked.
“Moonshine.”
“Hand it over,” I said.
He went into his fridge and grabbed a bottle of moonshine and handed it to me. “I am taking these,” I said showing him what I was taking.
I took out five bottles of Ketamine.
“Why just those?” he asked.
I pushed him against the fridge. I grabbed him by the throat and lifted him into the air.
“None of you concern. You know it's trash like you that give us a bad name. Sam was good enough to give you a second chance and you threw it away. Well no more chances. I won't let you corrupt any more children with your poison.”
He stared at me in horror. “No...please....I....can't....die!”
“Want to bet?” I asked.
“Stop!”
My head snapped to the side. A little boy of six stood in the door way to the kitchen. He was crying. “Leave daddy alone.”
“Daddy!” I said shocked.
I let Jerry fall and backed away from him. The little boy went running to his father and stood protectively over him. “Leave him alone! I hate you!”
It made sense now. The cartoon show blaring so loud. It wasn't Jerry who was watching it, it was his kid.
“You have a son?” I asked Jerry horrified. Of all the people to have a child, why him? He was a fucking drug dealer!
Jerry took his boy in his hands, he looked at me like I was the devil, he held his son protectively, funny seeing as how I always thought he was a spineless turd.
“I did stop, I really did. But then his mother dropped him off two years ago. Some chick I....met at a party. I didn't know I had a kid. She left him here, I can't find her. I could barely support myself let alone someone with his condition.”
“Condition?” I asked.
He nodded. “He has weak lungs. I couldn't afford to get him the medicine he needs so I had to go back to selling. Otherwise...” he trailed off unable to finish. “Please, I know I am far from father of the year. But he is the only good thing in my life. I had such a horrible child hood I don't want to be like my parents were. It's the only way I can save him.”
Tears began to fall from my eyes. A parent protecting their child. God fucking damn it all to hell! I was supposed to be a protector, now look at me. Beating up on drug dealers and scaring kids.
I took a deep breath.
“Two things. First, you will contact my mother, she is a nurse and a council member, tell her your situation, she will help.”
“Thank you. I don't want to sell them; I want to be a good example but desperate times and all.”
“Second....you have to promise you will always love and care for him. You will give him big hugs and lots of kisses; you will read him bed time stories and never hurt him in any way. Because if you don't I swear to God nothing will stop me from finishing the job.”
“I swear I will, I love him. I really do.”
Tears fell from his eyes and he actually began to cry. I felt shame for what I have done, but this was to close to home for me.
His son wrapped his arms around his father's neck.
“I love you daddy, you’re the best daddy in the whole world.”
I grabbed the bottle and the pills and I left the house. I ran for the woods, tears running down my face. The world is so fucked up! I am glad I am going to die! Fuck this place and all the pain! I want out.
I swallowed every pill in every bottle and I downed the bottle of moonshine. Ketamine is a powerful drug. Plus it works fast. I wasn't sure if five bottles would kill me. It was way more than enough to kill a human, but the whole shape-shifter healing factor puts a kink in things.
Leah Clearwater, taken down by a fucking pill.

Fred P.O.V
I made my way to Leah's house, I was using my power to the wolves would not know I was here. I had been doing this for a while now, silently following her. It was stalkerish but I had to be near her.
I wasn't going to let something happen to her again.
I jumped up to her window and went in. Oddly her scent went from the window to the ground. She wasn't home, I heard Seth downstairs with his mom. I was going to leave and follow her scent when I noticed something on her desk.
It was an envelope. Forgetting the right of privacy I picked it up. It was not sealed. A feeling of dread creeped into my stomach and I pulled out the papers. All I had to do was read the first sentence and I knew the seriousness of the situation.
I went to the door, it was locked but that didn't stop me, I ripped it off it;s hinges and went running downstairs.
“SETH!” I yelled.
Seth came running from the living room as did his mom, Seth looked ready for a fight, his teeth bared, but he calmed down when he saw it was me.
“Fred?”
“Where is she!” I yelled.
“Leah?”
“Yes we have to find her!”
I handed him the note, it didn't take long for the look of horror to shape his face. He went pale and his hands shook as he read.
“Seth what is it?” Sue asked.
“Mom, Leah has gone to kill herself! It's a suicide note!”
“Oh God! I will call Sam and Jake!”
Sue ran into the living room. I heard her dial a number and talk to Sam. He quickly hanged up and she dialed Jake's number.
“Did she say where she was going?” I asked.
“Jerry Slawn, he is a drug dealer!”
“Let's go!”
We quickly ran out the house and for the woods. Seth didn't wait to phase. There was no time to loose. Soon the sound of howling wolves could be heard and I knew all the wolves were out looking for her.
We followed her scent to the drug dealer’s house, she wasn't there, her scent went back into the woods so we followed it. I could scent a strong alcohol like substance. We found discarded pill bottles.
It was Ketamine. She took five bottles worth of ketamine and dawned alcohol!
Seth whined when he saw the bottles. “No wonder she wanted to see a drug dealer,” I said. I tossed the bottle to the ground. “Come on, we have to find her!”
We continued to follow the scent, it was leading to the cliffs. The idea of Leah there while she was drugged up did not bode well.
I just hope we were not too late.

Leah P.O.V
I felt tired.
The world was spinning, but I kept on walking. I didn't feel good, I fell to the ground and threw up. The taste of moonshine flavored vomit is the absolute worse by the way.
I had hoped to go out quick and painless, but it didn't matter, this pain was insignificant when compared to the pain I felt at his loss.
I was starting to see thing, hear things. Ketamine can do that, cause hallucinations. I was all paranoid, I kept on thinking I heard something behind me but there was nothing there.
I was feeling an extreme form of vertigo, I could barely walk. The damn world kept on spinning. I wonder what they will do when they find my body. Cry I guess. I wonder who will speak at my funeral? What will be said. 'She was a cold heartless bitch,' some would say. 'She was a good girl, just lost,' others would say.
They would all be better off without me though. I was such a drag, always bringing people down with me in my suffering. La Push is better off without me. I am sure once I am gone they will understand, they will see how better they are without me to ruin things.
I thought I heard howling, I wasn't sure. I didn't know if it was real or not. Damn ketamine was fucking my senses up bad.
“Leah,” a voice whispered.
I stopped. “Hello?”
“Leah.”
“Look, whoever you are I am not in a good mood to be fucked with!” I warned.
“But Leah.”
He moved from behind a tree. Wearing just a pair of black shorts, his hair long and wild. He had his head cocked to the side, looking so innocent.
“Matthew?” I whispered.
He raised his head and sniffed the air. A big goofy grin on his face. “Come on Leah, I smell the ocean!”
“Matthew wait!”
He turned and ran off into the woods.
“Matthew stop!” I yelled.
I tried to run after him but the damn tree roots and rocks kept on causing me to trip. That and the vertigo I was feeling.
“Matthew come back!” I called.
He never stopped, all he did was giggle and laugh and call me to follow him. “Come on Leah, catch me if you can!”
I continued to stumble after him. I heard the ocean long before I saw it. I smelled it in the air. I broke through the trees and I was at one of the cliffs. Matthew stood at the edge, his back to me.
“Leah, it is being pretty,” he said.
I walked forward, I stood right next to him, he held out his hand and I took it. He seemed so light, like he was made out of air.
“I promised you I would show you the ocean didn't I?” I said.
He smiled.
“You kept promise Leah, it is just like you were saying....but why are you not keeping other promise?”
“Huh?”
He looked at me, his face sad.
“You promised you would live Leah.”
“I did no such thing,” I said looking out at the ocean.
“But what about your family Leah? Seth-Seth and your mommy. Why do this to them?”
“Because I am weak, I can't take it any more Matthew. Why would I want to be in a world where you are dead?”
He smiled like I was being silly.
“Leah, you know you don't want to die. You still have so much to live for. You must go on, for Fred-Fred, Seth-Seth, Sue-Sue, and even that jerk off Sam.”
“Language!” I scolded.
He giggled.
“Leah, life is hard. It can be cold, unfair, filled with pain and sorrow. But it can be such a wonderful place. Filled with warmth and love. You just have to know where to look. I may be gone but my love for you isn't. And you still have a family and friends which is more then what some people have. You have been through so much Leah, don't let it end like this. Move on with your life.”
I began to cry. “But what am I going to do? What am I going to do with out you?” I asked.
“Live, for me Leah. Live for Matthew. Find love, get a job, get married, have lots and lots and lots of kids. Grow really old and wrinkly and die. Keep going on Leah, you are more important then you know.”
I put my hand to my. “I'm sorry, I am so sorry.” I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for. For not saving him, for trying to commit suicide.
“Silly Leah. Take care nows, Matthew be seeing you agains one day.”
“But-”
I dropped my hand. He was gone. My hand gripped nothing but air. He was never there. It was all just a hallucination.
I brought my hand to my face and sniffed it. Nothing. No sign of him.
For one wild moment I had hoped he was alive, that God had decided to return him back to me.
I looked out at the ocean, saw the sunlight shine off the water and I had a realization. I didn't want to die. I can't die. He was right, I still had so much to live for.
My family, my friends. How could I put them through something like this? Was I really so self-centered to think my death wouldn't hurt them, after everything they have gone through for me?
I had been so immersed in my own pain I had lost touch with the world. No wonder everything was so dark, I had closed my eyes but the truth was in front of me the whole time.
I had so much to live for. And I would. I would not piss away his sacrifice.
“Matthew, I don't know if you can hear me. But I want you to know I love you and I promise I will get my shit together. And also, I miss you, so very, very much.”
I went to turn around but I was closer to the edge then I thought. I was still dizzy so I made a misstep and found myself tumbling over the cliff.
I screamed and caught onto a rock. I gripped it as tight as I could. I looked down and saw a bunch of nasty looking rocks ready to have me fall on them and more than likely end me.
“Help! Someone help!” I screamed.
Great! Just fucking great! Not only was I going to die but I was going to die right after I decide to not kill myself, what the fuck!
“Leah!” a voice called.
It was Fred's voice!
“Help! Fred help me!” I yelled.
I heard mighty footfalls and knew one of the wolves were coming. I saw Fred's face and Seth's wolf head look down, botht ehir faces a mask of horror.
“Leah what are you doing!”
“Trying not to fall moron!” I yelled.
“Don't jump, I am coming down!” Fred called.
“I am not going to jump now get me the fuck up out of here!” I yelled again.
Fred began to climb down. Seth phased. “Don't do it, you have so much to live for!”
I rolled my eyes, did I look like I was suicidal!
“I am not suicidal!”
“We found your note Leah, if you jump I am coming after you!” Fred said as he climbed closer.
“Idiot if I was going to kill myself I would have just jumped! And would I be holding on for my life?”
I wasn't feeling good, I felt like I was going to throw up.
“Hurry, I took a load of pills....I don't know how much longer I can last,” I said.
He climbed down next to me. “I thought you weren't suicidal?” he asked, looking madder then I have ever seen him.
“That was then; I had a change of heart.”
“Climb onto my back,” he said.
I put a shaky hand around his neck for support. Then I moved my leg over his hip. I climbed onto his back and held on tight. We began to climb up and I closed my eyes, it helped keep the vomit down.
We got to the top and he walked away from the cliff. I was going to climb off but he dropped me on the ground.
“What the fuck!” I yelled glaring at him.
Shit why was I seeing three Fred's?
“What the fuck! I should be asking that! You were going to kill yourself Leah!”
I looked away ashamed.
“Look at me!”
He kneeled down and grabbed my shoulders and shook me roughly. “You were going to do that to me? To your family?”
I looked at Seth, a look of great pain was on his face. “Were you really going to do it Leah?” he asked.
“God, Seth...I am so sorry!” I cried. “I couldn't do it any more, it was too much...I just couldn't bear it any more. But I realized what I was doing was wrong. I realized I had a lot to live, for. I realized I would disgrace his memory if I killed myself, that his sacrifice would be in vein. I am so sorry guys....please....I....I took a lot of pills and........”
“Leah, whats-” Fred began.
I threw up. A lot. And this time instead of having a nice little spot on the ground to puke on I vomited all over Fred. The entire front of his shirt and pants were covered in my vomit.
“Sorry, I took a shit load of pills and moonshine; I think I need to see a doctor.”
Fred had a huge angry scowl on his face. Then it broke out into a smile and he began to laugh. “Ha, ha, ha. Look at us now, can you imagine what he would say?”
“Leah! You are throwing up on Fred-Fred,” I said mimicking Matthew.
He laughed and I laughed. I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Will it ever get easier?”
“Little by little, it will.” he kissed me on the cheek. “But if you think I am letting you out of my sight again you are wrong. I don't care if you need space or not. You are going under lock down missy.”
“That's okay, I am tired of being alone,” I said.
“Come on, let's get you home.”
Seth and Fred helped me stand and they began to drag me home. “Hey Seth, did you know Jerry has a kid?”
“What?” he asked his eyes wide.
I told him the whole situation with Jerry.
“Man, I always thought he would be a dead beat dad.”
“Being a parent can change you,” I said. “Seth.....sorry I punched you and hurt you. I really do love you. I know I hurt you bad....I was selfish I know. Please forgive me. You've always supported me even when I treated you like shit. I promise things will be different....I don't want to die alone.”
Seth sighed. “Being your brother can be such a pain in the ass.”
My heart dropped.
Then he smiled. “But it's so worth it.”
I smiled back at him.
The wolves found us. Sam got all in protective mode and had a stand off with Fred. He was upset Fred was running around La Push without permission, it wasn't until Fred pointed out that his running around saved my life.
They started to argue and it wasn't until I pointed out I was pumped full of drugs they stopped and worked on getting me home.
“Carlisle is on his way,” Jake said, “he said we might have to pump her stomach.”
“Fucking fantastic,” I muttered.
Jake glared at me. “The second you are on your feet I am knocking you on your ass!” he growled.
“Take a number Black....now back up before I puke all over you!”
They all backed away as I hacked my guts out.
I looked up and saw Matthew standing next to a tree. He smiled and waved at me.
“Live Leah, for me.”
He disappeared and I smiled.
“I will, I promise,” I said.
“Leah, who are you talking to?” Sam asked.
“A hallucination of Matthew brought on by the drugs which helped me realize killing myself would be really stupid.........they’re really strong drugs.”
He sighed and wiped the drool off my chin with his knuckles. “You scared me Leah, I swear if you ever do that again, alpha or no alpha we will tussle.”
Is snorted. “Please, I would kick your ass you pussy.”
He grinned. “There is the Leah I know.”
They carried me home. Carlisle was there and yes, we did have to pump my stomach. Not a fun filled day.
I cried with mom and we hugged. I apologized and she just held me and told me everything would be okay.
They cleaned me up and put me in my room. Mom and Seth tucked me in, each kissed me on the head.
I could hear the wolves outside my room. A precaution. I could also hear everyone talking about how they would have to take care watching me and shit. Great. I was on lock down now.
I felt a pair of cool fingers move my hair. I knew it was him before I opened my eyes.
He looked down at me with a soft sad expression.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” he said.
“I saw Matthew.”
“I heard.”
“I mean, it wasn't him. I think it was my subconscious telling me to stop being such a whiny bitch.”
“Glad you listened to it,” he said.
I scooted over to the other side of the bed. He got into bed with me and draped his arm over my side.
“Fred?”
“Yes?”
“You’re not going to leave me to are you?” I asked.
He kissed my head. “Never. I will be with you forever.”
I smiled.
“I am glad.”
I closed my eyes and I fell asleep. That was the first night in a long time, I didn't have a nightmare.
Instead I dreamed of Matthew. Rosemary was right. Memories can be so powerful they are never truly forgotten. And I know, no power on this earth will ever make me forget Matthew Clearwater.
My boy, my son.
I will remember his smile, his laugh, the sound of his voice, how he loved chocolate, how he liked to run around in nothing but a pair of shorts, how he smelled, how he felt in my arms as he slept.
These precious memories were all I had left that proved he once existed and for a while I was a mother, with the best son in the world.
And I would carry those memories with me until the day I died, until I was ready to meet my boy. When the time was right.

Fusedtwilight: Leah almost killed herself, thank God for epiphanies. Everyone got to share their thoughts and ideas on Matthew and everyone got to say their goodbye. Only one more chapter to go before the end. How will it end? How will it complete this story? How will the shadow man play a role in the last chapter?
Stay tuned for the last chapter and please review.
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