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The Divine Right of Kings	By : vinsmouse Category: G through L > Hardy Boys Series Views: 5917 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own the Hardy Boys, not making any money, just cheap thrills.

Chapter List
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Chapter 39
　
Diane watched Joe fidgeting uncomfortably in his seat. Twenty minutes into the session he had yet to say a word beyond hello.
"Do you think I’m a bad person?"
Diane was startled by the question. She couldn’t help wondering what had inspired it. "No, but I think the real question is do you think you’re a bad person?"
Joe shrugged. He never used to question his morality but that was before. "I don’t know," he finally admitted in a strained whisper.
"Something happened?" It wasn’t really a question. Diane didn’t know what but it was obvious something must have occurred. "Has the bullying become worse?"
"No, it’s a little better. Brad Cooper wrote me a letter apologizing and he hasn’t said anything since that day in History class but he still looks at me funny."
"Funny?"
"Like he wants to say something but then he never does. I think maybe he’s just afraid of getting into trouble again."
"Ah, so you don’t think he meant the apology?"
Joe shook his head. "If he did then why would he keep looking at me like he does?"
"Maybe he wants to apologize face to face but isn’t sure how," Diane suggested. She had no way of knowing if this was the case but it was possible. Her main purpose in making the suggestion was to get Joe thinking of other, less negative, motives. "Is that why you think you’re a bad person, because of what others are saying?"
For several minutes Joe didn’t respond. He didn’t know how to bring it up, how to tell Dr. Saylor his feelings without her hating him. Joe respected the doctor and he hated the thought of her seeing him as something to be despised. But she deserved an answer; taking a deep breath, bracing himself for the rejection he knew would be coming Joe plunged ahead.
"You heard about Billy Dierksen?"
Diane just barely controlled herself, hiding her reaction with difficulty. She had read the articles in the paper and knew it must have been a horrific death. "I read about it. Did you know him?"
Joe nodded. "He was one of the ones that were always saying things, especially in the locker room."
Diane thought she understood Joe’s earlier question now. She needed to hear it from him; however, after all she didn’t want to put words in his mouth or worse, thoughts into his head. "How did you feel about what happened to him?"
Joe viciously chewed his lower lip, the taste of blood bringing him back to himself. "I…I don’t know what you want me to say."
"The truth," was the simple reply. "You can always tell me the truth Joe."
"I felt, feel, relieved."
"You wanted him dead?" She was sure he didn’t but he needed to recognize the difference between a natural feeling of relief and wishing somebody dead.
"No! I never wanted any of them to die but he can’t…I’ll never have to hear his voice again, whispering nasty things, suggesting I do things…" Joe trailed off, breathing heavily as emotions swamped him. Shame, hatred, disgust, fear, relief, there were so many feelings, too many to separate into something manageable.
From the corner of his eye he saw Dr. Saylor come to her feet. Jumping up he backed away, he couldn’t let her near him. She was a good person; he didn’t want to contaminate her with his horribleness. She could never understand his feelings, would hate him for having them. Any decent person would. But he wasn’t decent anymore; he hadn’t been decent since that horrible day. Maybe he’d never been a decent person.
Diane stopped in her tracks. "And of course you’re relieved that he won’t be tormenting you any longer." She was reminded of the abused horses her uncle had often taken in; the wild fear had rolled off them in waves that could almost be felt. Joe’s eyes held a similar look and her heart broke anew for the child before her. "Feeling relief at being rid of your tormentor doesn’t make you a bad person Joe."
"No, a good person wouldn’t feel the way I do."
"Do you think I’m a good person?"
Joe nodded.
"But when you told me that boy was one of those who have bullied and tormented you I was relieved for you."
"You were?"
"Of course I was and it is a normal feeling."
Joe wasn’t sure he believed her. He wanted to but it wasn’t right to feel relief at another person’s death.
"Let me ask you a question Joe; if you could choose between Billy dying and simply being gone from your life which would you choose?"
Joe didn’t even have to think to know his answer. "I’d want him gone."
"You see it now?" Diane could tell him what she believed but he would more readily accept it as truth if he came to it on his own.
Joe replayed the conversation, examining every statement as if he were looking for clues that would solve a case. "I’m not really relieved that he’s dead just that he’s gone from my life. But doesn’t that make me a selfish person?"
Diane couldn’t help the small smile. It was what most people would think, what society taught them to believe. "No Joe, it makes you human."
"What do you mean?"
"The world of a newborn baby is centered on its own needs. At first that is the only thing a baby is aware of, itself and its own need; as the baby grows so does its world, first to encompass family, parents and siblings. The mother, or primary caregiver, is usually the first person the baby becomes aware of outside itself. Later as the child grows so does its world, more people fill the child’s world, becoming important to the him. Yet, no matter how old we grow our world still begins and ends with us."
"I don’t understand. You’re saying it’s okay to be selfish?"
"No, I’m saying it’s natural. Society teaches us to think of the needs of others but in a crisis we inevitably think of the effect on ourselves first, followed quickly by the effect on those closest to us and moving out to others, with strangers and society in general being the last ones we think of. Or in the case of another person dying, if it is somebody we know, we will inevitably think of the effect on ourselves first. Of course we usually shove that thought aside and focus, as society has taught us, on the effect that death had on others who were closer to the person. Do you understand now?"
"I think so."
"But you still think you shouldn’t feel relief?"
Joe shrugged. "It just seems wrong."
"It’s a feeling Joe and feelings are neither right nor wrong they simply are. You can’t help the way you feel, nobody can. All you can do is accept the feelings for what they are, repressing them or beating yourself up for having them won’t help anybody. In fact it may cause more harm in the long run."
"If you say so," Joe doubtfully replied.
"Okay then, how do you feel about the boy’s death?"
"I feel awful," Joe answered without hesitation. "Nobody should have to die like that. He must have felt so scared and alone."
"A bad person wouldn’t feel any compassion over the death of a person who had hurt them. They might even feel a certain amount of satisfaction that the person had suffered."
Joe stared at Diane. "I’m really not bad?"
"No Joe," Diane confirmed with a smile. Another crisis averted she thought, silently giving herself a pat on the back. Poor kid just couldn’t catch a break. Only a couple of weeks ago he had made a turning point, not due to anything she had done, but due to the confrontation with his brother. And then another event shoves him back, undoing the progress he had made.
Joe smiled shyly. He had thought when he first heard about Billy that he was turning into the same kind of person Red had been. He had been so horrified by the feelings of relief that he hadn’t taken the time to realize that he wasn’t feeling any joy at Billy’s suffering and death.
Diane took Joe’s hand in her’s, "Better?"
Joe nodded. "Thanks."
"Don’t thank me yet, I haven’t given you your homework yet," Diane teased.
Joe groaned with mock fear.
Diane went to her desk and opened one of the drawers. After a few minutes of rifling through the contents she found what she was looking for. "This cd has various scenarios on it," she explained as she handed the disc over, "I want you to listen to one scenario a day and write down your immediate thoughts and feelings. You’re not to examine what you’re feeling or thinking, just write down what first comes to mind along with your initial emotions. Now for this to work you have to truly immerse yourself in the scenarios, as much as you can. What we want are your honest reactions, understand?"
"Yes ma’am."
"There is no right or wrong, just your reactions. We’ll discuss it at your next appointment."
Joe nodded and left the room.
In seconds he had returned, surprising Diane with a quick hug. "Thank you," he whispered. Drawing away he quickly left the room but not before Diane saw the blush coloring his cheeks.
TBC...
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The Divine Right of Kings