Adult-FanFiction.org : Books

Aftermath	By : singvogel Category: A through F > Forgotten Realms Views: 3056 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: The Forgotten Realms/recognisable characters appearing in this story are Wizards of the Coast, Inc., all rights reserved. They are used without permission and for entertainment purposes only. No profit is being made by the autor.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
A/N: No Sinnafein yet. I surprised myself and went in another direction.
An issue of trust

It was supposed to be straightforward and easy, Tos’un thinks bitterly as he is sitting in his kitchen, unsuccessfully trying to mentally separate the last two days from the present. He was supposed to have left his past behind where it belonged, to start a new life here. Two separate pieces with a clean cut in between. Simple. Only what he has now is nothing like that. It is all a huge jumbled mess of clashing needs and contrary emotions he can no longer discern clearly and he is starting to feel as if he is drowning.
How am I going to face Sinnafein, he wonders as he buries his face in two slender, dark skinned hands. He had hoped that with this change concerning Jaellien things would become more bearable. And apparently they have when it comes to the elf. But instead now he finds himself facing a new problem. In letting go of his carefully maintained distance he has also made himself unable to block out what happens between them, as if it was nothing but a dream, some half real part of his life, which he used to be able to ignore when not faced with it directly.
As he is finding out, this state of enforced ignorance is quite beyond him at the moment. Maybe it is because he feels deep inside that it would be too dismissive to lock away the memory of that dark, green look, so full of need and fear but also slowly growing trust. Not really that much yet, but still there. It is something Tos’un can only barely grasp at all, because he has no idea how it is even possible for something like that to be there. Long years ago he might have taunted Jaellien cruelly for such an open show of dependency. But what would have merely amused him in the past, is unaccountably different in the present. Somehow to see it now is precious in a way he never even could have imagined back then.
As much as Tos’un hates himself for feeling it, he cannot ignore his wonder about the fact that the blonde is capable of feeling any trust towards him at all. For now he is still convinced that he deserves it even less than the love Sinnafein gifts him with. Why would Jaellien, who knows him at his worst, even consider showing him any kind of vulnerability? And yet it seems that is exactly what is happening.
The worst thing though is that now, after he has taken a more active role in their interactions for the first time, it is as if he has opened a door inside of his own mind and all the things he had meticulously pushed away are coming back to haunt him. All the possibilities, everything he has denied himself to even imagine so far.
Tos’un finds himself thinking about how it would feel to grab Jaellien’s wrists and pin them down over his head, to have the other breathless, pleading and squirming beneath him like he used to when they were still Master and slave. What would the mage do now if he took a strip of cloth, blinded him and left him tied and helpless? Would he try to struggle? The drow shivers slightly at the image only to groan in dismay a moment later. He rubs his face with both hands and drags his fingers through white hair, as if he could erase his own thoughts.
Unable to sit still any longer Tos’un jumps up, driven by his need to get away from the images inside his own head. It is of course an impossible task. His urges only send him pacing restlessly through the kitchen until that too is not enough any more and he leaves his home altogether, taking his blades to the woods to train, in the hope that he will be able to distract himself from thinking anything at all.
Not even that helps though, as he has to discover almost an hour later, breathing hard and covered in sweat from his futile exertions. With a heartfelt curse Tos’un throws his blades harshly down onto the soft, churned ground.
“You know you should not treat a trusted weapon like that”, a soft, musical voice admonishes him from his right and the drow whirls around to discover Hralien standing between two trees which mark the entrance to the small clearing he has chosen for his training today.
“Don’t tell me what I should do”, Tos’un snaps back, suddenly unable to contain his anger, although it is mostly aimed at his own inability to find any kind of peace within his mind. Normally he would not be so aggressive, but normally he does not feel quite so helpless and disgusted with himself. Hralien merely raises a thin black eyebrow and tilts his head to one side regarding Tos’un curiously for a few seconds.
“I correct myself”, he finally says evenly. “You probably should not touch a weapon at all if you are feeling as unbalanced as you appear right now.”
Fingers of ice scratch down Tos’un’s back at these words. If Hralien can see it after a mere glance, there is no way he will be able to hide this from Sinnafein. His first instinct is to turn around and flee, but the drow is aware that Hralien will not just let him walk away without some kind of explanation. So he does the next best thing and abruptly turns his back on the black haired elf, trying to compose himself as much as he will be able to. It is a very telling gesture in itself, but he simply cannot bring himself to face the other elf right now.
“I have never seen you so upset without cause”, Hralien says, coming closer. “But until now I thought that you would know to talk to someone, even if Sinnafein is away right now, the rest of us are still here.”
“Sinnafein is the last person I want to talk to about this!”
The words are out of Tos’un’s mouth before he can think better of it. When has he become so careless? Is it because he usually trusts Hralien? Probably. But can he trust the other with this? It seems he will soon find out, because Hralien’s gaze has taken on a probing quality. He is walking around Tos’un until he can look the drow into the eyes again. It was not nearly enough time for Tos’un to push away his feelings, like he wanted to. He looks down, still trying futilely to hide his inner turmoil.
“Come with me”, Hralien commands more than asks. He has found out years ago that sometimes Tos’un reacts better to clear commands than to kindness, almost as if he cannot bear or trust a show of sympathy at certain times. It works today too. The drow gathers up his two swords from the ground and follows Hralien silently as the pale elf walks back to his home, where he makes Tos’un sit down and puts a cup of hot tea into his hands like he usually does on occasions like this one.
It is not the first time he has come here with something weighing on his thoughts, Tos’un knows, but he has never feared the consequences of speaking his mind as much as he does now.
There is no way to evade Hralien though. Not now when he has already let the other see that something is so clearly wrong. He could lie of course, but somehow that would make it even worse, because then he would not only have betrayed Sinnafein, but also Hralien who is the one who made it possible for him to be here at all, who has always supported him, despite all the risks and suspicions which come with his drow heritage.
Tos’un is aware of all that, but it still takes him a long time before he can bring himself to begin.
“Do you remember the group of mages and engineers from Silverymoon that came to help you with your embankment dam?”
Hralien regards him curiously, obviously surprised at such a seemingly random question about something which happened so long ago.
“Yes, but that was years ago...”
Tos’un gives a strained nod, still wishing he was somewhere else.
“One of the mages, a young elf, he left early in the second morning, before anybody else.”
This time it takes a few seconds before Hralien can remember and even then he comes up with little more than a blond braid and unclear pictures of a slender body draped in the usual wizardly robes.
“I do not remember him very well”, he admits, unsure if this is what Tos’un needs to hear. Especially when a pained grimace suddenly twists the drow’s face.
“Well I did”, Tos’un says bluntly, staring determinedly at nothing. “He used to be our slave, back when I was still with Kaer'lic and the others.”
They both remain silent for long moments, while Hralien considers what he has just been told and Tos’un stares at his lap in stubborn, tense expectation of the others judgement.
“Has he hurt you?” the pale elf finally asks, unsettled when Tos’un gives a short, harsh laugh at that.
“He did nothing I did not deserve”, the drow says grimly, not reassuring the frowning Hralien in any way.
“But he did something.”
“He... not at the time no, but now he wants something that is within my power to give, but...” Tos’un shivers, pressing his lips closed before he finally makes himself continue. “And he does deserve it... I think or he should, but...”, the drow groans now angry again, at himself. “I’m not being very clear”, he says bleakly.
“What he wants from you would hurt Sinnafein”, Hralien says, fairly certain that this must be the case from the bits and pieces he has been given until now.
“I’m quite sure it would, yes.” Tos’un seems to slump where he sits, defeated and lost. “I don’t know what to do”, he admits.
“You harmed him when he was in your power”, Hralien states more than asks, carefully keeping his voice neutral, devoid of any judgement one way or another, despite his personal distaste at the images the thought evokes in his head. He is still aware of the fundamental changes Tos’un went through after he brought him here, even though he thinks that most of his clan have managed to conveniently forget about that by now. But then he has been the one to whom Tos’un came most often, when he felt he could not ask Sinnafein about certain things.
“Yes.” This one word, spoken so softly as to be almost unheard, only confirms Hraliens quiet certainty. “If I am to obey the rules you taught me, then I owe him more than I can ever hope to repay.”
“But you also owe Sinnafein your loyalty.”
“Yes”, Tos’un agrees, his despair almost palpable. “I am trying to do the right thing. I want to, but I don’t know any more what is right in this.”
“If you were anybody else, then I would have no choice but to banish you”, Hralien mutters, speaking mostly to himself, only realizing the effect of his words when he sees Tos’un’s face turn ashen. “I’m not going to”, he says quickly, but with little success in calming the frightened drow. “It would be the height of hypocrisy if I did that. I knew where you came from when I took you in and I was aware of the risks.” Hralien sighs. “I only wish you had talked to me before things got so out of hand.”
“Sinnafein knows about our shared past”, Tos’un chokes out reluctantly, but somehow unable to stop himself, now that he has finally started to reveal his secrets. “She has known since just after that first time we met again. It was her idea that I go and try to talk to him shortly after. That did not go well though.”
“What happened?”
Tos’un has to give his friend credit for the admirable show of neutrality he is currently putting on, because he is well aware of just how much Hralien usually despises the things he must know Tos’un has done to Jaellien.
“As I said, I let her convince me to go to Silverymoon and talk to Jaellien. After she left us we only ended up shouting at each other though until I was stupid and reckless enough to let him chain up and whip me.”
Hralien carefully notes the haunted look in the drow’s eyes as he tells him that, but does not comment yet.
“I would probably be dead now if there had not been this strange friend of his, who stopped him eventually.”
“But you still feel you owe him something?”
Tos’un looks up suddenly, almost startled by the surprise in Hralien’s voice.
“After all the times we humiliated and tortured him for fun during the seven years he spent with us, yes. I do.”
The drow appears so certain of this that Hralien shivers inwardly when he thinks on what that boy must have gone through, but still he does his best not to let it show.
“And yet he said he only wants me to acknowledge him, to care”, Tos’un says sounding faintly disbelieving, as if he cannot quite understand it.
“Or he just wants to destroy the one thing that has the most value to you”, Hralien grits out more harshly than he intended. For a moment he is amazed at how protective he suddenly feels. After a short look of pure surprise Tos’un astonishes him by laughing. It is not really a happy laugh though, more an even mix of painful humour and cynical mocking.
“You know, there was a time when that would have been the very first thought in my head”, the drow says finally. “I don’t think that is the case though. It would have been very easy for him to achieve that years ago, but he has never made any move in that direction.”
“Still”, Hralien says, “he must have been quite angry. Enough to attack you like that.”
“True, but he has had ample time during the last five years to be angry at me and I am quite certain that he still is, but I really think by now what he claims to want is actually the truth underneath all that anger.”
Especially when he has also been unable to keep his hands off me during all that time, Tos’un thinks rather cynically, but does not say it out loud, because he is painfully aware that this sentiment goes both ways. Unfortunately Hralien seems to realize as well that there is something missing from Tos’un’s tale.
“And what makes you so certain? The way you say it I almost suspect you have talked to him again, recently and he only told you then. What brought on this change of mind?”
This is the part Tos’un would most dearly love to skip, but just like he owes Jaellien, he owes Hralien too. Honesty is not something which is negotiable between them.
“I did”, he says, not quite able to admit the rest yet.
“You might want to elaborate on that”, Hralien replies, uncertain what that short cryptic statement should mean to him.
“During the last years, whenever Sinnafein was away he would come to me at night.” Tos’un forces himself to look up from his lap at the pale elf in front of him, because this is important. “I let him take what he wanted, because I was afraid that he would tell people about the horrible things I did to him if I refused.”
When Hralien draws in a sudden breath and opens his mouth to speak Tos’un stops him with a hard glance and a shake of his head.
“I know what you are going to say now, but it was not quite like that. I had always liked to take him to bed before and the interest was... is still there, but I think I would have been able to stop myself for Sinnafein’s sake. He did leave me no choice though and a part of me was almost glad for that, even though I never really admitted it to myself until a few days ago.”
“What happened a few days ago?”
Tos’un can already sense the storm brewing behind the dark blue eyes of the other and wants nothing more but to cringe away from the force of it, but he needs to finish this first.
“We would usually argue and fight every time before he bedded me anyway. It seemed to be a never ending circle and I felt that I just could not bear it any longer. Yes, I let him take whatever he wanted, but I never really gave anything. I did my best to just ignore it all, but that became harder the more time passed and he was always angry, always... nothing I said provoked anything but spiteful replies. So after I had run out of anger myself I finally stopped saying things and did something instead, I gave in, because I could not go on like that. But now I feel terrible and I don’t know how to face Sinnafein any more.”
It is not so very surprising when Hralien’s hand meets his cheek with a loud, painful crack just after the last words have been forced over his lips.
- 3
- 4
- 5
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Aftermath