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Now or Never	By : Samric Category: M through R > The Obsidian Trilogy Views: 1963 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Obsidian Trilogy. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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And on a side note, I FUCKING HATE AFF.NET! What the hell is wrong with these morons?!?! You can't even upload Microsoft Word and anything else strips you of all your formatting. ARGH! If anyone wants the nice formatted version of any of my stories, I'm on fanfiction.net as well under the penname The Daxinator. Quite frankly, I'm considering just dropping aff.net and their shitty service. The least they could do would be make it so that something of a higher grade than notepad could be uploaded. Assholes.

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I run panting through the encampment. Or rather, through what's left of the encampment. The elves have once again proven just how efficiently they can complete a task when they're of a mind to be 'hasty'. Most of the tents have been throughly gutted—though there is no evidence as to where the 'guts' have gone to—and are in the process of being pulled down and neatly folded for the elves' coming journeys back home. In a matter of under an hour and a half, all of the tents will be packed away in mind-bogglingly small bundles that will be heaped on top of the sleds.

Fortunately, the sleds have proven that they are nearly as effective over mud and small plants as they are over snow. It would be absolutely hellish for all of the loads to have to be carried either by hand or on horseback—especially considering the amount of wounded that are also going to be set atop the loads. I'm not sure what they will do with the dead.

The elves usually suspend the bodies of their dead from trees, but what with the sudden onslaught of flowering vines that have utterly taken the bodies, I'm not sure if they'll be keeping true to that tradition. It would be a morbid business to pick through the field of flowers in order to find the bodies of their slain kin. In the end, I think that they still will though. The enemy is beaten and they have all the time in the world to slow down and collect their dead. I've even heard talk of forming parties to trek back through the army's path and find the ones who we couldn't find the time to take with us. We left behind dozens upon dozens in our various runs from the enemy. Now though, the elves are anxious to retrieve their lost kin and give them to their final resting place properly.

At the moment though, that is the last of my concerns. It's been a full two hours since Cilarnen fled from my tent and I received probably one of the most mortifying and confusing conversations of my life. Mortifying because I had to reveal some rather...intimate details and confusing because of the proclamation that came at the very beginning of our little talk.

“Cilarnen Volpiril is in love with you, Kellen. Very much so.”

How does she even know? Did everyone in the damn camp know but me?

It seems that for a moment there, I had forgotten of the inevitabilities of living in an elven camp: gossip spreads like wildfire when the walls are only as thick as a heavy canvas. And surely the rumors of the two human boys fancying one another is quite the juicy gossip. Damn it. I miss being around less perceptive people.

It's not that they find the idea repulsive or anything, of that, I'm sure. I've seen my share of male pairings within the army these last few months, though they are discreet to the point that it took my unicorn knights betting on whether or not Nephiralen, one of the healers, would be able to enter the unicorn camp after Merchential, a rather flirty undercommander, had invited him to his tent. I had been under the impression that they were just good friends that had an odd way of communicating—Merchential never missed an opportunity to swat Nephiralen's behind if he wasn't paying attention and Nephiralen always threw a book or a tray at him on his way out. Both were always either smiling or laughing through these activities though so I thought nothing of them.

Thus, my knights' gambling didn't make sense to me in any way. Isinwen ended up nearly doing himself injury when I asked—indirectly of course—why Nephiralen wouldn't and some of the other knights shared an irritatingly knowing look before Isinwen got himself under control and explained that Merchential had been pursuing Nephiralen for nearly six years and this was the first time that Nephiralen had responded positively. I have never felt, before or since, quite so naive and sheltered. After that, I opened my eyes a bit and little quirks between two males or, occasionally, two women that I had never really understood started to make sense.

So no, a relationship between two people of the same sex wasn't all that exciting, but the fact that one may be developing between the resident Knightmage and High Mage...that would be something of great interest—and amusement, undoubtedly—for many of the elves.

And I'm left wondering why I couldn't have stayed unconscious for just a little longer.

...Though, truth be told, the fact that Cilarnen apparently has some sort of feelings for me—is in love with me if Arlenti were to be believed—doesn't bother me, strange as it is. Either way though, I've already all but promised myself to Vestakia. How can I possibly be entertaining thoughts of Cilarnen when it's been Vestakia that has been foremost in my mind for so long, almost ever since I met her. And yet, my feelings are divided. I do love her. I am sure of that, if nothing else, but I find myself warming to the idea of Cilarnen more and more with every passing thought.

Maybe I'm not sexually attracted to him as I am with Vestakia; I certainly don't feel the same thrills of pleasure at the sight of him. The thought of him nude doesn't make me ache. I imagine him as plain and utterly devoid of anything that could make him sensual. He has no enticing curves that while I was bound to Shalkan I had to try desperately to ignore.

He's...safe. Not only in that he never causes the 'impure' thoughts that would drive Shalkan away from me, but also because there is no temptation to be anything other than what I am. No feeling that I have to guard my thoughts or control unmannerly habits. Around him, I can just be myself. Perhaps that's what fuels this tiny fire of...preference in his favor. For so long, I've had to consider my every word carefully before it is spoken. Tiny changes in my mannerisms have had to occur by necessity. Even around Vestakia these strangling binds on my person have prevailed. Only Cilarnen provokes me from those habits. Of course, sometimes I do fall back into them purely because I've grown so used to them, even around him, but there isn't a single other person who makes me feel quite so free.

An age ago, it seems, Idalia told me that the reason she liked living alone was that she liked the freedom that it gave you. When with other people you had to change yourself, even if only by small amounts. I have never really minded those small adaptations and thus, never really understood completely what she meant. Now I think I do though. But while she had to retreat to absolute solitude to be able to have that comfortable niche in life, I have a person who not only would not impose upon my freedom, he would enrich it. Cilarnen just may be that ideal companion that could make my life so much more worth living. I'm not madly in love with him or intoxicated by the thought of him, but he makes me comfortable in my own skin. And I think that I could come to love him someday, or maybe in some degree, I already do.

But is it right? To be with him because he makes me feel better than anyone else? Isn't belittling his feelings for me to want him for that reason?

“You look about ready to tear your hair out. Do you want to talk?” a voice a few paces behind me says. I catches me off guard and I jerk around to see who it is in alarm. Apparently my Knightmage abilities suffer when I'm in emotional turmoil. Lovely.

Oh, and what an even more wonderful surprise: Vestakia. I seriously don't want to deal with all this right now. I need to figure out this mess before I can face anyone, Vestakia and Cilarnen included—hell, especially Vestakia and Cilarnen.

I shake my head and put my hands up in front of me, waving them negatively as well.

“No. Listen,Vestakia, I just need some time to think alone. Everything's a mess a the moment and—”

“Well I know that, silly!” she says with a giggle, coming forward and taking my hands in hers.

“That's why I came to find you. Shalkan says that he has to talk to you immediately. And Kellen?” she says, looking into my eyes with an almost sad smile, “don't worry about it, okay?”

“Don't worry about what?” I ask her, confused, but she's already shaking her head and pushing me a little back towards where most of the unicorns are gathered.

“Shalkan will explain,” is all she will elaborate and I frown at that but nod my head anyways.

Silence prevails and I am reminded of my earlier musings. If it were Cilarnen beside me, I would be chatting away with him, either trying to pump him for information or just amusing myself with banter. I don't even want to do that with Vestakia though. Why?

“Here we are,” Vestakia announces and I start slightly. Yes, I'd say that my Knightmage powers definitely are suffering because of this mess. I didn't even realize that we'd left the main encampment.

Shalkan is standing the new field of flowers with Calmeren, the two of them leaning comfortably against one another. Shalkan watches me somberly and I feel a flush of unexplainable shame. It's not like I've done anything improper and my thoughts haven't been that bad.

Finally the unicorn sighs deeply in a bone-tired way and comes forward to bump his head into my chest in a rough nuzzle.

“Sit down, Kellen. This won't be easy hearing,” and he shoves a little harder till I am forced to fall back and land on my rump. Shalkan immediately bends his knees to kneel to my level as well and Vestakia turns about and walks back the way we came. Calmeren has disappeared in the few moments that I wasn't watching her.

“First of all, I suppose I should remind you that Wildmagic is a magic of necessity that, if you will allow it, can make you do some things that you would otherwise never have done. You must consent to this, of course, but whether that consent is consciously made or not doesn't always matter.”

I nod at this, having come to understand this basic principle of of Wildmagery for some time now.

Shalkan sighs again and continues.

“What probably hasn't occurred to you though, is the fact that you have been under this sort of unconscious geas from the moment you met Vestakia.”

“What?” I blurt out. A geas that I haven't been aware of? Something connected to Vestakia?

“Yes,” Shalkan nods, “You may have noticed that your feelings towards Vestakia have suddenly transformed. Since, perhaps, you destroyed the Prince of the Endarkened?” The last isn't really a question, but it's posed that way to make me think.

And now that I truly consider the timing, it is uncanny that before the battle, my attentions to Vestakia were fraught with concern and great affection, but afterwards, until I started pondering my feelings for Cilarnen and what they meant for the ones I had for Vestakia, she hadn't crossed my mind once. And besides that, those thoughts held her in a less than positive light to boot! But what could that mean? I can imagine no sort of geas that would cause such a thing. Unless... But surely not!

Finally I look at Shalkan again, though I hesitate to put my thoughts into words.

“Are you saying that the Wildmagic... forced me to like Vestakia?” I ask with no small amount of horror. Allowing the Wildmagic to guide my way is one thing, but having it take my emotions are warp them so that I have no choice in the matter...that is a disturbing thought.

“No, no,” Shalkan assures me, shaking his head, “It's not that it forced you or created those feelings out of thin air, it simply...encouraged them. Pushing you a little so that the attraction you felt would develop into something more...useful to the Wildmagic's purpose. Remember, Kellen, the Wildmagic has its own design and it isn't shy about manipulating things so that events that may have been uncertain would have to take place.

“For instance, if you hadn't felt that deep bond with Vestakia, would you have sought out the Prince so ardently? You, the only one among our side that could possibly defeat him. Or would you have perhaps allowed him to slip to the back of your mind during the battle? Perhaps, perhaps not. But by ensuring that you personally had a reason to despise him, the Wildmagic also ensured that you would subconsciously seek him out in the battle.”

I sit, shocked to the core, through Shalkan's explanation and wonder how I missed it. How is it that I could have not sensed that something was not quite right? The 'love at first sight' feeling, the way my thoughts would linger on her in such a way that I would have to set my entire will to pushing those thoughts out of my mind, for fear of crossing the line with my vow to Shalkan.

It should have sent off a warning in my mind that things were not what they seemed. It should have, but it didn't. More manipulation by the Wildmagic? Or simply my own inexperience with love? Probably a mix of both.

My own inexperience would keep me from realizing it on my own, and the Wildmagic would keep me oblivious to the hints that certain individuals would throw my way. Like a once seemingly completely off the wall conversation that I had with Ciltesse.

“There is no such thing as love at first sight,” he said, “There is immediate liking or dislike at first sight and occasionally there is infatuation—but never love. People are too complicated for such things to truly occur.”

We had gone from talking of Vestakia to love and then Ciltesse said that. I had gotten so good at decoding their speech at that time so I'm sure that if I had been in my right mind, I would have caught on at least a little. Maybe I would have simply gotten angry that he would suggest such a thing and written it off as him looking too deeply into my relationship with Vestakia, but all the same, I should have seen it. But I didn't and that bothers me more than a little. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but if these last few months have taught me anything, it's that if you are unaware of even the most minute of your surroundings, you might end up dead very quickly. That survival instinct makes it extremely difficult for me to forgive myself for falling prey to the manipulations of the Wildmagic—even though it is the most bewildering feeling considering that I get that very instinct from the Wildmagic.

“Kellen.”

I glance up at the white unicorn and he takes that as permission to continue.

“So you see, the Wildmagic tied you and Vestakia together. You don't necessarily have to love her. In fact, I think you'll realize that you don't—not as a lover anyways. For a time, you were her valiant knight that not only rescued her countless times, but you also helped give her the confidence to move on and be able to live without fear. Do you regret any of that?” The question catches me off guard and I am quite to sputter out an immediate and heartfelt “Of course not!” to which he nods and continues once again.

“I didn't think so. But Kellen, I want you to know that this also doesn't mean that you can't love her. It is up to you and your heart, in the end.”

“But?” I say when I hear the word phantoming after his explanation.

He looks startled for a moment before chuckling and nodding.

“But, I believe that there is another for you. Someone who magic has also had a hand in bringing to you—though not pushing you together. In fact,” he says teasingly, “I'd say that it kept you apart for a while.”

With the memory of Arlenti's declaration still vivid in my mind, Shalkan's cryptic message is easy to unravel.

“You mean Cilarnen,” I say simply, not allowing any of my emotions to show in either my voice or upon my face. Shalkan dips his head in a nod and my heart quickens at the confirmation.

“Yes, Cilarnen. Though I'm surprised that you've caught on so fast. Has something happened?” he asks curiously and not a full second later his nostrils flare in warning as my thoughts race back to the kiss.

“Kellen,” he warns tightly and I blush hotly.

“I—! It's not— That is—”

“Kellen!” he snaps again, coming to his feet and backing away.

“But I... Oh nevermind!” I say as I get to my feet myself, “I'm going to go find somewhere peaceful to drown myself.”

I try to retreat quickly but Shalkan seizes my tunic in his teeth and drags me back.

“Come back, you silly human. Just try to not think about the details, if you would please,” Shalkan grumbles and backs up a few paces to give me room.

I am bright red by this time and am seriously wishing that he had just let me go.

“Now, back to the subject of Cilarnen. I take it from your reaction that something did happen—Kellen! Stop thinking about it like that!”

“Oh gods,” I moan miserably and try to heed his advice—which of course just leads to me thinking more and more about the kiss.

“Kellen! Try to behave yourself. If you had acted like this while we were still bonded I would have been forced to relieve you of the source of the actions.”

That finally breaks through to me and I find it immensely easier to clamp down on my rampaging thoughts. Shalkan immediately calms down a little and simply observes me with and arched brow. I resolutely turn my eyes to the ground and continue to keep a strangle hold on my wandering mind. There will be no repeats of that disaster!

“Hmph! I won't ask what happened but I do want to know what you think of him. Do you love him?”

I take a moment to mull over the question before answering in the same way that I did two hours ago with Arlenti. But at least with Shalkan I can maybe get my thoughts cleared up on some matters—hopefully.

“I'm really not sure. Or rather, I'm not sure that if I feel is something that has the right to be called love.”

“Oh?”

I find myself nodding absently as I elaborate.

“I mean, I do like him—a lot. He makes me feel very at ease with myself. I enjoy his company. But then, I also liked being with Vestakia and we both agree that I'm not in love with her. And besides that, don't you think that it's selfish of me to want to be involved with Cilarnen if my feelings aren't as deep as his?”

Shalkan settles back down in the soft grass again and appears to ponder my question before looking back up and tossing his head in a gesture not unlike a shrug.

“Of course you like Vestakia. But there's a difference between liking someone's company and truly enjoying it. It's up to your heart to discover that difference though. Just try to think about the feelings and emotions associated with each of them and compare them. And try to remember that love doesn't have to be all about passion. In fact, if it is, then it very probably isn't actually love. Lust is a close cousin of love and many confuse the two.”

That said, he frowns, or at least, I think it is a frown.

“And as for love, well, it is difficult to theorize on love because there are so many forms and ways of expressing it. Even the Demons could feel love, though their's was a twisted and loathsome form of it. But I'd say that all love is selfish in the beginning. Loving someone for their sake is something that you just don't do. It is only after caring for them deeply and allowing that feeling to grow that love becomes selfless enough to be called true love. Cilarnen has simply cared for you longer—though I doubt that he was originally aware of it.”

I nod slowly, thinking over everything that he has said and trying to apply it to my situation. We are both silent for a few minutes, me thinking and Shalkan just watching me closely.

Then, shaking my head, I smile ruefully.

“This is so much more complicated than what I'd prefer.”

Shalkan eases back off the ground and switches his tail in...amusement? Yes, definitely amusement.

“That's what you get for becoming involved in magic. Magic complicates everything it touches,” he replies cheerfully and I smile at that.

“That it does. Thank you, Shalkan. You've given me a lot to consider. Now I just need to find a quite place to think about it for a good year or so.”

He bows his head and then walks back to the rest of the unicorns as I turn about to make my way back to where Firareth is at. The walk lasts all of five minutes and once I reach where the horses are being kept my heart plummets and begins racing all at the same time.

Cilarnen, riding the galloping Anganil, is heading back towards the city gates.

“Cilarnen!” I call as loudly as I can.

He jerks and looks back at me in almost abject horror before he spurs Anganil even faster. He is long gone before I am even halfway in Firareth's saddle and a gentle hand on the small of my back makes me glance back for a second to see...Vestakia.

Oh no.

“Kellen, I just wanted you to know, that I understand completely. Shalkan already explained everything to me. Including about Cilarnen,” she says hastily and then pauses for a moment as a smile spreads wide on her lips.

“Good luck. Now go! Don't let him get away!”

She doesn't have to say it twice. I am already hoisted completely into the saddle and she has to jump back quickly as I let Firareth loose.

The sudden, overwhelming need to not let him go has taken me with a strength that astounds me. I have to speak with him. I have to settle all of this between us now. There's no time for idle speculations on love. I have to catch him before he can lock himself and his emotions away. It's now or never.

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I feel like a limp noodle. Bleh. If I can never have to do something like that again I will be very thankful. Is anyone else very exhausted from all that mess of explanations? Sheesh. But, it was something that had to be done. I couldn't just leave Kellen's relationship with Vestakia hanging out in the wind to be a possible stumbling block for the Kellen/Cilarnen theme I've got going here. I was actually pretty proud of how much sense my explanation of his rather sudden obsession with her was. And as for why Kellen made such a fuss about possibly not loving Cilarnen and then he acts so frantic at the end, well, I was trying to put out the message that the mind can deny love, but the heart will always know the truth and you may just be forced to eat your words.

I have become so sick and tired of fanfictions and novels having characters jumping the gun and automatically declaring their undying love after they've known each other for a chapter or two. This is my little rebellion. And the bit about all love is selfish at first, yup, that's me for ya. A pessimistic SOB to the day I die. I dare somebody prove me wrong. When does a relationship start that doesn't have something to do with the desire to fulfill your own needs and wants first? Time is the only thing that can turn those selfish desires into love. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Well, it looks like I only have one more chapter and perhaps a small epilogue to go with this baby. Quite frankly, I can't wait! And I know you guys can't either so I'll try to wrap it up pretty quickly. See you next time!
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Now or Never