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The First Cut is the Deepest	By : TheBlindQueen Category: Twilight Series > Het > Bella/Edward Views: 6930 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
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*********Chapter 5: Realizations***********

As had become my habit, I found myself nestled in the woods outside Jacob Black’s home. Her home. THEIR home. I tried very hard to remember that. They were both asleep now, though I had listened to Jake hover attentively over Bella as she drifted off. His concern and worry for her were contagious, and I felt mad with the need to see her for myself. But she was not mine to watch over.

Then Jake fell asleep as well, but tonight his dreams were especially vivid. I should have left then.

I saw things through Jacob’s eyes that tortured me and yet I could not tear myself away. It was Charlie’s house, the couch was different now, though. Newer. I wondered if Bella had picked it out. She was curled up on her side, lying down and watching television. Sort of. Her eyes were slowly closing and he smiled at her as he watched. He liked watching her sleep.

I envied him the right.

Then she smiled up at him sleepily and tugged at his hand, prompting him to spoon up behind her. He did so gladly, wrapping one huge arm around her tiny body. She relaxed then, comforted by his nearness and warmth, and seeing this simple intimacy between them was agonizing.

She fell asleep and Jake watched her. He tenderly brushed back her hair, traced the line of her lips. I could feel his need, his desire for her, but he did nothing beyond those few, reverential caresses. Then she opened her eyes yet again. “I love you, Jake,” she whispered.

And Jacob Black shuddered as he turned her toward him, his lips finding hers. “Bella,” he murmured. The kiss was long and grew more passionate, moving from tender to desperate as she clutched at him. Then Jake was surging to his feet, with Bella in his arms.

He walked up the stairs to her room and I already knew where they were going. Once more, I knew I should leave him to his dreams. And yet again, I found myself rooted in place.

Bella’s door swung open with the brush of Jake’s wide shoulders. He closed it with his back, his eyes never leaving Bella’s face. Tenderly, his care for her exquisite, he placed her on her bed. This also was new, bigger and wider than the one I remembered.

He knelt by the bed, cradling her face in his hands. “Are you sure?”

Bella understood his words and smiled sweetly, her fingers tangling in the cascade of long black hair that floated around his shoulders. Then she bit her lower lip, her eyes falling shyly away from his, and nodded.

Jake slipped on to the bed beside her, crushing her to him with a searing kiss. His hands never stopped moving. He slid his fingers down her leg and then hitched it up to rest on his hip. Then his hands danced along her ribs and up her shoulder to cradle her face yet again. She moaned and her hands delved into his dark hair, urging him closer still.

His hands were shaking as he unbuttoned her shirt. Her hands were no steadier as she tugged the tee-shirt from his body. She stared at him, her eyes warm and luminous. “You’re beautiful, Jake,” she whispered and he laughed.

“I think that’s my line,” he corrected her, pulling her close again.

For long moments, they indulged in slow, deep kisses that made their bodies thrum. And then Jake’s hands moved to the button of her jeans and she tensed for a moment. He stopped immediately, looking into her eyes. “Jake,” she said in a low voice. “I’m scared. I’ve never…”

And then I knew what Jake was dreaming of, what he relived as he slept, which treasured memory of his life with Bella that I was intruding on. And I did not leave.

Jake’s big body shuddered and he hissed, “Never?” He had sensed this, but it was something they had never spoken of, each of them somehow knowing that it was not the right moment to reveal such things. Until now.

Bella shook her head, her eyes falling away. But Jake was having none of that. He lifted her chin so that he could stare into her brown eyes. “Don’t be scared, baby,” he said in a soft, husky voice. “We’ll figure this out together. Okay?”

“You never -?”

He grinned at her then. “I’ve been waiting for this girl I know to come around to my way of thinking,” he teased. “It took a while, but I think it was worth it.”

She laughed too, but their laughter ended when their lips met. Jake’s hands deftly unbuttoned her jeans and slid them down her hips, her thighs, and then they disappeared altogether. Bella trembled against him.

He pulled away to stare at her. “God, Bella…” His voice was shaky. “You’re so…beautiful…”

Her answering smile was brilliant with joy. He lowered his lips to hers, his hands skipping along the line of her panties, slowly dipping inside and then retreating, only to repeat the process again. Then his long fingers found her core and Bella cried out, clutching at his shoulders as her hips bucked.

“You’re so wet, Bella,” he murmured against her ear. “So wet for me…” He shuddered.

“Jake.” There was both fear and longing in the word and he reacted to both.

“Shh… It’s okay,” he soothed. “This is going to feel so good, Bella.” He moaned against her lips. “Your body wants me as much as I want you.” His hand moved again and Bella rocked against him. “That’s it, baby.”

One hand kept moving against Bella, while he struggled with his jeans with the other. Eventually, those too were gone, and nothing remained between except the frail, silken layer of her panties. His hands stopped on her hips and he tugged the panties down just a bit, his eyes flashing toward hers, asking for permission.

She nodded wordlessly, her eyes never leaving his.

The panties vanished and he hovered over her, supporting his weight on his huge arms. Bella shook her head impatiently, but Jake tensed in anticipation of rejection. Instead, she pulled him close. “I want to feel you,” she whispered and Jake moaned as their bodies touched.

I could feel the press of her nipples into his chest and my own cock hardened in response. No matter how shameful my intrusion was, I could not stop.

Once more Jake’s fingers moved against her silky folds until Bella was panting and thrusting her hips against him. “Please,” she whispered.

“Be patient, Bella,” he answered as he finally moved his hard length into place. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

In that moment, I saw Jake drawing from the experiences of his pack brothers. He had always hated the involuntary intrusion into their private lives that the pack mind made inevitable. Now, however, he was determined to use every bit of their experience to make Bella’s first foray into intimacy as satisfying as he could.

For just a moment, I felt gratitude for his care.

Then the hatred welled up, the envy, and all of those more noble feelings were burned away.

Somehow, this was worse, knowing he was going to make love to her for the first time.

It should have been me!

Useless regrets and longings washed over me. Even if I had stayed with her, that never could have been me. It was too dangerous. Jacob Black, however, could love her completely.

He flexed his hips subtly, entering her body just the tiniest bit. Bella closed her eyes. “Oh God…” Her voice was ragged and hoarse.

It was not a sound of pain, though I felt Jake’s body trembling with the effort to control the urge to thrust inside. His urge to protect roused up to rival that need to claim and he began a slow, steady rocking of his hips that pushed him further inside of her with every tiny movement.

Then he stopped. “Bella?”

She nodded and his lips found hers as he thrust forward. Her pale hands clutched at his back then, her nails digging into his flesh. They both trembled, remaining still for a moment.

And then he began to move inside of her, setting up an easy rhythm that had her crying out his name. His hips moved faster and I heard the sound of flesh meeting flesh. My body tightened with my own need, my own useless, stolen desire. I felt him pleasure her body so completely that the swift sting of pain was forgotten, as if it had never existed. I heard the love words he whispered to her, the sweet and tender vows he made.

Forever.

Jake would love her forever. He would not hurt her. He would not leave her. He would never harm her in any way.

He was free to love her.

And I was not.

Then Bella cried out beneath him, and Jake gave a shout of his own, finding completion.

Shaking, they fell into each other’s arms and he pressed kisses over her face. “I love you, Bella,” he said over and over again.

Bella smiled up at him. “Thank you, Jake,” she said. “Thank you for waiting…for being you…for putting me back together again.”

I hated myself in that moment, knowing that I was the one who had broken her, shattered her as I was now shattered.

He wiped the tears from her cheeks, secure in the knowledge that they were happy tears. They held each other, kissing softly and murmuring tender words.

As I intruded on Jake’s memory, I realized that he had given Bella everything I had wanted for her. He had fulfilled all those dreams I had wished for her to have. He had made Bella happy and whole again, and he could protect her as no other human could.

Bella belonged to Jake now and once my task here was done, I would find the strength to leave her.

Because I loved her too, and that was the only thing I had left to give.
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The First Cut is the Deepest