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The First Cut is the Deepest	By : TheBlindQueen Category: Twilight Series > Het > Bella/Edward Views: 6929 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
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**********Chapter 6: Confrontations************

It was madness to go see him again. Yet his thoughts provided me with a connection, however tenuous or second-hand, to Bella. I found myself unable to stay away. He was not surprised to see me standing in the doorway. Jacob looked up with a grunt.

“You’re still here?” he asked, turning back to the task at hand.

“The danger is not over, and until it is…” I shrugged. “I’m here.”

“Great, another reason to hate the redhead.” Jacob smirked , throwing me an odd look over his shoulder. “So, do you plan to hang out in the woods behind our house every night, or was that just a spontaneous adventure?”

Of course he knew. His sense of smell was probably as acute as mine, or close to it anyway. I met his eyes. “I didn’t break any rules,” I pointed out quietly.

Jacob studied me for a long moment, his thoughts most carefully shielded. He was better at doing this than I expect any human could be, almost as good as Alice. Then I wondered if the pack bond had taught him to hide his thoughts, to keep some things private, at least for a while. “Just see that you don’t.” His voice was as quiet and contained as mine.

Bella’s scent clung to him, and when he turned I caught the intoxicating aroma. She had brushed her fingers through his hair. I knew it. I could almost see her doing so. I could see her twisting her fragile hands into that dark fall of hair, pulling him closer for a kiss. They would laugh, their kiss interrupted by easy and intimate love words. I had thought that I’d already explored the depths of the pain her love for him aroused in me.

How arrogant to think so!

“You won, Jacob,” I said suddenly. “Please don’t begrudge me the desire to keep her safe.” He glanced at me over his shoulder again as I walked into the garage, finally leaving the doorway. “After all, she’s in danger because of me…because of what I am.”

He turned to face me and his expression was stiff for a moment and then he gave a jerky nod of his head. “You’re right,” he said in a husky voice. “She’s in danger because of you.”

“That’s why I left.” I needed him to understand, though I did not know why. Did I want him to realize what a sacrifice it had been to walk away from her? Did I want him to accept that I still loved her, that I would always love her, no matter how many centuries I walked this planet? “I knew…I knew she could never lead a normal life if I was in the picture. So I removed myself from her life.”

Jacob’s eyes were penetrating, full of skepticism. His eyes locked with mine for the longest time, and then he blew out a breath. “I believe you,” he said with a nod of his head. “I don’t like you anymore than I did before, but I know you’re telling me the truth.”

“Thank you.” There was nothing else to say.

“I had one of my brothers run to Seattle to see if he could catch her scent,” Jacob’s voice was matter-of-fact. “He did, but it was faint, old. She might be there, but on the other side, away from Forks. He didn’t want to venture into the city.”

“No, that would not be safe,” I agreed.

“We’ll add a run up there to our patrols,” Jacob offered.

“Won’t that leave you short?”

He grinned. “Naw, I think we can handle it.”

“My sister can tell us if Victoria is making her move,” I reminded him.

He considered that for a moment. “Maybe we can still take a peek up there every few days, try to get her scent.”

“There’ll be other vampires close to her,” I said. This was the bit of information I had come here to give him, an excuse really. I knew quite well how to use a phone. Oddly, he never asked me why I had not called instead. Maybe he knew. Maybe he realized how he would have felt if the situations were reversed. It was a wound I could not help but worry at, as if the pain had become a comfortable companion. “She’s making them.”

A look of disgust twisted Jake’s features. “All those missing people?” Obviously, he had been following the news as well.

“Yes,” I replied, feeling a similar sense of horror, though he would not believe it.

“So what do we do?” I could sense how much this question cost him.

“We wait for her to make her move.”

“How long will that take?”

“In a hurry to have me gone?” I asked with a sudden grin. “Sorry, you seem to be stuck with me for the moment.”

He sighed heavily and put aside the tool. “It’s just getting…weird,” he admitted. “Bella knows something’s up.” I tried hard to dispel the sense of hope that roused to life inside of me. He saw through my façade anyway. His eyes were bitter and knowing. “It won’t make any difference if she knows.”

“I realize that.” And I did. Unfortunately. I had already lost. I had nothing and Jacob Black had – everything.

“Just remember our deal,” Jacob said. “Don’t contact her, don’t try to-” He stopped, shook his head. “I won’t let her get…upset by any of this. By you.” His lips thinned. “I mean it.”

“I know you do,” I said. “And I would never do anything to hurt Bella, or…or the baby.” Her baby. His baby. Useless dreams now drifting like ashes in the winds of fate.

“And to hell with me, huh?” Jacob asked, but he sounded amused.

“Something like that.”

“As long as we’re on the same page,” he said with a nod.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I detected her scent even before I heard the fall of her footsteps. I was shocked, and yet I had expected this, from the moment I had returned to Forks. Had Jacob told her? Had she guessed? Why was she here? Did he know?

Of course he knew. He and his brothers would be watching over her carefully, especially now. I sniffed the air, but detected no scent of wolf. I sniffed again. Perhaps…in the distance. Yes, they were guarding her. One was moving closer. Jacob, I expected. I heard him whine in protest at the smell of vampire. I imagined our scent was much stronger to his wolf sense. I approved of his caution, so I could not begrudge him.

Bella’s step was sure as she walked up the porch and knocked on the door. Her heartbeat faltered only once, speeding up when I opened the door. I gazed at her, my eyes hungry for the sight of her. God, her scent was still as potent as it had been on the day I left.

She gazed up at me, and once more I wished I could read the secrets in those dark eyes. As always, her thoughts eluded me. “May I come in?” she asked in a formal tone that stung me. Her heartbeat steadied itself and I felt something akin to regret pulse through me.

I no longer affected her as I once had. Whatever she had felt for me had not survived my betrayal.

“Of course,” I answered, moving aside.

She stepped through the door, her hands resting on her belly. Looking around the big room, her eyes took in all the changes – and the things that were the same. “I came here once,” Bella said suddenly. “After you…left.”

I did not know what to say, so I remained silent. I longed to tell her why I had left, to reassure her that my love was as strong and true now as it had ever been. But that would not be fair to her, or to Jacob. My moment had come and gone, and what was left to us was this uneasy silence, this awkward memory of what might have been.

“Jake was acting weird,” she said, looking up to meet my eyes. “So I finally made him tell me.” She grimaced. “He can be so stubborn.” Her voice was both fond and disgruntled. “He didn’t want to tell me.”

“I know,” I replied with a nod.

Her hands caressed the mound of her belly. “He gets worried about me…about the baby,” she added. “It makes him a little crazy sometimes.” She shrugged. “But I can usually get him to see reason.”

I wondered if she would be frightened if I screamed. I could imagine how sweetly she could persuade him to her point of view. I would have been an easy target for such persuasion myself, and so I felt empathy for the wolf that I did not want to feel.

I could only imagine what this visit was costing HIM.

“Why are you here, Edward?” The sound of my name on her lips made my body tense. Once, a lifetime ago, it had made me feel almost human. Now, I had never felt more like a vampire in my existence. She was MINE, and I struggled against the desire to demonstrate this to her.

What had Jacob told her? Probably not the truth. So I could not either. He had his reasons for protecting her. I could do no less than he did.

“I just wanted to make sure…” What could I safely say?

She sighed and I was assaulted by the heat and sweetness of her breath. The venom flowed and pooled, my muscles coiled with tension. “That I had gotten over you?” The question was blunt and fell like a weight between us.

“Yes,” I agreed. “I suppose so.” And that was true, as far as it went. My real purpose in coming here had been so much more, but we did not need to discuss that. I did not care for her pallor, or the way her cheekbones stood out in her lovely face. Despite the pregnancy, she was still slender. Too much so, and it worried me. I could only imagine what it did to Jacob Black. “And that you were safe…all right.”

Bella sat down on the couch, perching on the edge as if she did not intend to stay long. I could only hope that was true. My restraint was being tested to its limits at the moment. I was suddenly very sorry that Alice and Jasper had gone hunting, leaving me here alone with my questionable abilities to resist the temptation that Bella represented on so many levels.

Suddenly, her hands fluttered over her belly and I felt a wave of peace coming from her. That puzzled me. I’d never been able to discern Bella’s thoughts or feelings. I had always felt blinded by that lack, so to feel this so clearly was disconcerting. Then I realized that she was different now. Not alone.

“Your son,” I whispered, my voice husky with envy and regret. “He loves the sound of your voice.”

Bella’s eyes were wide and wondering, her hands automatically cradling her belly. “You can HEAR him?”

“Just impressions, really,” I said with a slight smile. Her joy could not help but make me smile, though the cause for it made my chest ache. “Not thoughts, I can just sense that he loves you…and the sound of your voice comforts him, makes him feel loved in return.”

“Thank you for that,” she replied. Then her expression changed and her chin jerked up. “He loves to hear Jake talk, too.” As if she needed to remind me that the child who lived inside of her was not mine. That knowledge had been seared into me. I did not need her to drive the point home.

“Jake loves you both very much,” I agreed easily, as if I was not being torn into a million pieces. I was so very good at deception. I would never let her see what this cost me.

We fell silent for a moment, and then her shoulders drooped as if she was suddenly exhausted. I wanted to go to her then, to fold her into my arms, to smooth those lines of fatigue from her face.

But that was not my place.

“Edward, I have to be honest,” Bella said softly. “I wish you hadn’t come back.” She looked at me again, and I saw the pain and sorrow in her eyes, as well as the apology. “I wish I didn’t feel that way, it makes me feel guilty, but I do.”

“I understand,” I assured her. And I did. I wished the same thing myself, or I would if I was not so sure that my presence here was necessary to protect her. But that wasn’t something I could say. So I settled for more half-truths.

“And I know Jake thinks…” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I don’t know what he’s thinking, really. He’s worried, even more than usual, and it kills me to see it.” She smiled then, but it was not for me. “I’m not sure I can make him see that…I won’t be changing my mind. About anything.”

The words were warning to me, a promise to him.

I had known that the moment I saw her face. Whatever she had felt for me had been destroyed. That was a good thing. Wasn’t it? Then why did it feel like I was being burned alive?

“I put you away, Edward,” Bella continued. “I tucked away my memories, my feelings, into a place where they couldn’t hurt me anymore. I had to.” Her eyes met mine defiantly. “It was either that or curl up and die. And I decided I didn’t want to die.”

“I’m glad.” It was not completely a lie. I did not want her dead. But I did want –

Stop.

Enough.

“I’ve got to go,” Bella said, getting to her feet awkwardly. I resisted the urge to steady her. “I don’t want to make this any harder on him than it already is.” She walked to the door, looking over her shoulder at the last minute. “I hope…I hope you can be happy Edward. I don’t wish anything bad for you, but…” She smiled sadly. “I’m his now, and he’s mine and that’s the way it’s going to stay. Forever.”

With that, she walked out the door, out of my life.

Forever.
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The First Cut is the Deepest