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Beneath a Shattered Sky	By : aragornrocks Category: Twilight Series > Het F > Bella/Jacob Views: 2689 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
Another chapter - please review! I used a tiny bit of dialogue from Breaking Dawn in a fantasy Edward has (Chapter 20, Page 363). Some tasty smut in this chapter, hope you enjoy!

Bella becomes even more obsessed with thoughts of Edward, and makes a visit to an old friend to talk things over. She goes to see Jake, unable to stay away, but his jealousy threatens to destroy everything. Meanwhile, Edward decides to come to Forks to check on Bella without her knowledge, but what will he find?

Playlist:

Missing – Everything But The Girl

That's What You Get - Paramore

Hearing Damage – Thom Yorke

Teardrop – Massive Attack

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows – Brand New

Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off – Panic! At The Disco

Breathing – Lifehouse

Crawling – Linkin Park

Already Dead - Silverstein

Chapter 6: Compulsion

How much are they deceived who vainly strive,
By jealous fears, to keep our flames alive?
Love's like a torch, which if secured from blasts,
Will faintlier burn; but then it longer lasts.
Exposed to storms of jealousy and doubt,
The blaze grows greater, but 'tis sooner out.

Love and Jealousy – William Walsh

-----------

A few days later, Forks, Bella's POV

I hung up my uniform on the staffroom peg and stretched, exhausted. I hadn't been sleeping much these past few days, ever since Jacob had told me that it was too hard for him to be around me right now. My thoughts were full of him, and of Edward, too, of course. Sitting down on the bench, I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes.

“Bella?” A familiar voice broke into my thoughts. My lids snapped open, and I saw my manager, Beth Crowley, staring at me. “Are you all right, dear?” she asked kindly, biting her lip in concern.

“I'm fine,” I said, mustering a small smile. “Just a bit tired.”

“I was only wondering because, well, I just heard that you and Jacob were having some problems.”

I inwardly groaned. God, Forks drove me mad sometimes. The small-town gossip mill would go insane over the slightest thing. I'd always been a favourite for it when I was with one of the 'weird' Cullens, and clearly, many people still took an interest in my love life. Beth was a nice woman, though, and she was a good manager who'd let me fit my shifts around my community college classes as I needed to. Admittedly, she hadn't been the friendliest at first, probably due to the fact that Edward had humiliated her son Tyler that time he'd assumed he was taking me to prom. But I'd worked hard for her, and she was now quite glad to have me around.

“You heard that, huh?” I said, looking at the floor.

Beth smiled sheepishly. “Well, you know how it is around here,” she replied. “News travels fast. I know you're coming off your shift, hon, I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

“We just had a bit of a fight,” I admitted quietly. For one second, I considered confiding the whole story in her. No, Bella, that's madness. She and all the other moms gossip like crazy. And besides, if I told her the whole story I'd almost certainly end up in the psychiatric ward. I almost smiled at how bizarre and intricate my life was, with all the supernatural happenings I had to hide.

“Well, maybe you should just talk to him,” she said, squeezing my shoulder comfortingly. “Relationships aren't always a walk in the park. Bella, Richard and I have been married twenty-five years, and we still have a pretty bad fight once in a while.”

Maybe, but have you ever been deeply in love with someone else? I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of thing you can just talk over, I thought, sighing deeply.

Beth could see that I wasn't in the mood to talk about it, so she drew back and pulled out a notebook from her pocket. “So, when are you working next week?”

“Tuesday evening, Thursday afternoon and Saturday all-day sound okay?”

“Perfect.” She smiled and headed out of the room. I tried to compose myself. That two-minute conversation had left me in turmoil. What had happened with Jake and me was far more complicated than a cheerful, optimistic person like Beth Crowley could ever realise. I'm a wreck. I have to sort myself out.

I felt a stab of sadness as I remembered just whom I would have normally talked to about this kind of thing. Alice Cullen. In that moment, I missed my overexcited pixie-like friend more than ever. Well, part of my problem was about her brother, but I'm sure she'd have some good advice. I felt so lost. It was late afternoon on a Sunday, and Charlie was out fishing. What to do?

Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to do. With this thought in mind, I quickly left the restaurant and ran over to my truck. As the engine roared to life, I breathed a sigh of relief as I pulled out of the car park and headed in the direction of La Push.

I knew whom I was going to see. We hadn't talked in a while, but Seth Clearwater had to be one of the kindest people I'd ever met. And besides, he knew Jake well. Despite their age difference, they'd been great friends ever since the battle two years ago.

My guilt had been consuming me for these past few days. I'd wanted to pick up the phone and call Jake so many times, but something had always stopped me. Not that he'd called me either. Charlie knew, naturally, from Billy – those two gossiped like old women when they got going. He'd tried to gently ask what had happened, but was met with stony silence from me. I didn't think I really could explain without going to pieces in front of him. I felt sick at what I'd done to Jake. Jake knowing that I was thinking about Edward was killing him, I was sure of it.

Not killing him as much as it would if he knew that you'd fucked Edward. I winced at the harsh voice in my head. I didn't think the f-word had any bearing on what Edward and I had done. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever experienced...and I had to let it go. I had to let him go. By God, though, it was killing ME. I thought about Edward all the time, as much as I thought about Jake, and increasingly, more. I loved Jake so much, but I didn't know how to solve the problem of my obsession with Edward that seemed to be steadily worsening as the days went on.

I pulled into the driveway of a house that was familiar to me, but that I'd never been to before. I headed to the front door of the little blue house and raised my hand to the doorknocker, but before I could knock, the door was wrenched open.

“What do you want?” a harsh voice hissed at me. I looked up to see Leah Clearwater standing there, her long dark hair swishing in the chilly breeze. Damn. I'd forgotten about Leah. I knew she was far happier these days, and had even attended Sam and Emily's wedding as a bridesmaid - proof that her resentment for Sam had finally abated. However, in all the times I'd spent at the reservation in the past couple of years, she was always conspicuously absent. I knew Leah hated me because of the vampires I'd once associated with. Because, when she had transformed into a wolf, along with Seth, the shock had contributed to her father Harry's fatal heart attack. Looking at Leah, even as she surveyed me with an air of distaste, I still only felt pity for her. I could see how she had once been thought beautiful. Her dark eyes and raven hair set off her bronze skin perfectly, but there was a harshness in her face that clouded her beauty.

“Is, uh...Seth in?” I asked tentatively, not sure what to say to this fierce girl.

“Seth!” she called loudly as she disappeared back into the house, eager to avoid any further interaction with me. I sighed. Well, Leah was obviously never going to like me. After a moment, however, that didn't matter as a tall, gangly, dark-haired boy ran to the door.

“Hey, Bella!” Seth grinned, showing all his white, even teeth.

“Hi, Seth,” I said a little shyly. I hadn't been at La Push much recently, even though I used to hang out with everyone here a lot.

As happy and calm a person as Seth was, I realised he knew what the real reason for my visit was when he paused before he spoke.

“Want to come and walk on the beach? There's some wicked wave swells we can watch,” he said animatedly.

I laughed at Seth's adorable enthusiasm. He was such a perpetually cheerful guy. Kind of how Jacob used to be, really...Before you messed him up, Bella. SHUT UP! We set off towards the beach, comfortably falling into step beside one another. I decided to cut to the chase and bring up the subject that I'd come here to talk about.

“Seth?” I asked tentatively.

“Yeah?” he replied, probably knowing what I was about to ask but showing no sign that he did, the easy smile he always wore still on his face.

“How's Jake?” I bit my lip and looked down and the ground, walking slightly faster. Colour rose to my cheeks and my heart thudded in my chest as I anxiously waited for his answer.

“He's not great, to be honest, Bella,” Seth began, looking slightly uncomfortable. “He seems really, really upset. He didn't say much to me but I figured it had something to do with, well – Edward.” He looked at me out of the corner of his eye to see how I reacted to hearing Edward's name, but I managed to keep my face impassive. “I know that look in his eyes. He used to have it all the time when you and Edward were together.” Seth let out a small sigh, and I realised what he was thinking.

He missed Edward too. They'd formed a strange sort of friendship when they'd worked together to protect me from Victoria, and I knew poor Seth had felt quite a sense of loss when the Cullens had left soon after. You and me both, kid. He was the only Quileute I'd ever seen to be visibly comfortable around the vampires, probably because Seth was just so nice. It wasn't in his capacity to hate anyone. It was that quality that made him a great companion for me right now, when I was deep in self-loathing and guilt.

“I've been - thinking about Edward a lot recently,” I confessed, struggling to get the words out. “I don't know why, and it makes me feel so guilty. Jake sort of realised, he said I had this look on my face that he knew.” I paused and saw the big, bleached tree sitting there on the beach in front of us. Jake's tree, and mine, it had once been. Back when I was still with Edward, when Jake and I were in our uneasy, but happy dance between friends and something else.

If I'd been worried Seth would judge me, all of those fears fell away when he smiled kindly and gestured for me to sit down on the fallen trunk of the tree. He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. “Hey, it's okay, Bella, it's only me. I'm friends with you both, and I can see it from both sides.”

The scorching heat of his skin was not a surprise, but still made me jump slightly. I was grateful for the warmth though, as a cold wind was picking up.

“What shall I do? I feel like I've really hurt him, and he won't forgive me. He said he didn't want to see me for a while, that he thought I had too much to deal with right now.”

“He really loves you, Bella,” Seth said, and I knew his words were in earnest. “So much more than you know. He just gets jealous, and it's hard for him to process the idea that you really love him, even though you're feeling – I dunno – nostalgic about Edward or something.”

Nostalgic. I very nearly laughed out loud at how ridiculous that sounded. Oh, if only it were that simple. Did nostalgia translate into dreaming of your ex-lover's kisses and touches, night after night? Did it mean thinking about him when you were with your current lover? Did it mean having all-consuming thoughts of an immortal life with him, as a different being to the one you were now? I didn't know, but I was pretty sure that simple word didn't cover all those things. Obsession might be a more appropriate word. Compulsion. Preoccupation. Enthralment. Delirium, even. I was beginning to think that perhaps it had been madness that had driven me to give into Edward that night. It at least absolved me of some of my responsibility.

I snapped out of my thoughts and realised that Seth was staring at me, waiting for a response. “I know he loves me. And I love him too, so, so much more than he knows. I just can't help these thoughts I keep having.”

“Just try and block them out,” Seth advised calmly, seemingly unfazed by what I was telling him. I'd definitely picked the right confidante, but then, there was only so much I could tell him. I longed to confess to him what I'd done, to alleviate some of the pressure that crushed my chest whenever I thought of my indiscretion. No. I couldn't do that. I had to remain alone in my guilt, for it was my burden to bear. It wasn't fair to tell Seth, considering the position it would put him in. It wasn't fair to tell anyone, really. I'd have to try and block everything out, even if it killed me.

“I know it must have hit you really hard when he left again. I think Jake was kinda surprised you wanted to start dating him so soon after. But it's not as if Edward's coming back, so I'm sure it will fade in time,” Seth added, his eyes apologetic for his last statement.

“No,” I agreed in a small voice, though a slight blush rose to my cheeks. He didn't comment on it, thankfully. If only he knew.

“Now, we don't have to talk about it any more if you don't want to,” Seth said, and grinned at me, diffusing some of the tension. “Awkwardness over.”

I nodded and smiled weakly at him. Seth's advice was good enough, if the situation had been as simple as just thinking about Edward. But the fact that I'd known heaven in his arms meant that thoughts and memories of him were burned into my brain, as if with indelible ink. I had to find a way to cancel them out.

“I think maybe I'll go and talk to him today,” I told Seth, and as soon as I said it, I knew it was the right thing to do. I could try and somehow make things right with Jake, for I so wanted to be what he wanted - a girl who had eyes only for him. Also, selfishly, I wanted him to comfort me. To make me forget what I bad person I was. “Maybe now, actually.” I got to my feet.

“Great!” Seth's face brightened at this, and he leapt up to follow me back up the beach. “By the way, I'm sorry about my sister. She's a lot better these days, y'know, but I think she's kinda angry at you for upsetting Jake.” I cringed a little, but he shook his head, laughing. “It's just Leah, don't worry about it. She'll get over herself one day.” He rolled his eyes.

We walked in silence for a while, and I felt slightly cheered. It was impossible to spend time around Seth Clearwater and not have any of his never-ending optimism rub off on you. I headed up the road towards the red house where he would be. Seth followed me part of the way, before turning off to go back towards his own house. He gave me a hot hug and said: “Don't worry, Bella. It'll all work out okay. Just go talk to him.”

A few minutes later, I was standing in front of the door. I was pretty sure Jake knew I was outside, but he was waiting for me to announce my presence. Bella, you chicken! Just go in already! I rapped on the door, and a second later it was pulled open by a familiar hand, that led to a heavily muscled arm.

“Bella,” Jake said, his voice sounding more deep and gravelly than ever. It was then that I noticed that his eyes were red-rimmed. Had he been crying? He never cries - oh God, what have I done? “What is it?” were the next words out of his mouth, harshly.

“I just – wanted to see you,” I said nervously, concentrating really hard on the woven doormat at my feet. He stepped forward and raised my chin up so I was looking at him. I shivered pleasantly at his warm touch, for it was cold outside. I thought he was going to kiss me and started to move my face towards his, but he dropped my chin and gestured for me to enter.

“Come in, then,” he said. Billy didn't seem to be around, and for that I was glad. I didn't really need Bill's scrutiny for this. Jake seemed to read my mind.

“Billy's hanging out with Sue.” Wow. So he must have been there at the Clearwater's when I called for Seth. Good thing he didn't see me. For a moment, Jake was silent, just looking at me, his soft brown eyes piercing me. I remembered when he could melt me with those eyes. One look and I'd want to get him into bed as fast as I could. I sighed. Were things really so different now?

“I'm sorry, for what it's worth,” I said, the words coming out as incoherent garble. He understood, though.

“I know. I'm just used to you being mine,” he hissed through his teeth. “I don't like sharing. Even when it's only you thinking about another guy.”I could feel my heart thudding faster, and willed myself not to think about the other night, but it was surprisingly easy. My focus was on Jake right now. I needed comfort, and so did he.

In one long stride, he crossed the room and hugged me tightly, wrapping me in his arms. I sighed at how good it felt against my cold clothes and skin. I knew exactly what was going to happen when he held me even tighter, and drew back. Jake's lips pressed to mine, gently. Warmth flickered in my stomach, and suddenly I surged forward and I was kissing him, not gently, but hard. He groaned and matched the force of my kiss as our tongues danced.

Seconds later, we broke apart, both gasping with need. Oh God. I wanted Jacob so badly right now. It would serve me right if he didn't want me too, but I desperately wanted him to want me. His dark eyes flashed with passion, and he whispered in my ear, nipping my neck with his teeth as he did so: “Don't forget you're mine, Bella. You're mine and no one can ever change that. Not even him.”

I was shocked that Jake had mentioned Edward, but I was able to, for once, avoid thinking about him. I kept my mind in the here and now. Jacob Black, my boyfriend was here, and I wanted him. Seconds later, Jake scooped me up in his arms, but did not take me to his bedroom as I'd assumed. Instead he took me to the kitchen and set me upon the counter. He roughly pushed me against the cabinets, and I didn't protest when his hot, eager lips found mine once again. I could feel a familiar wetness starting to dampen my panties as we kissed so hard I was sure it would bruise my lips. I was thankful that Jake was shirtless, as he often was, so I could run my hands all over his searingly hot, perfectly muscled chest.

“Are you going to forget him right now, Bella?” Jake growled, his voice serious and husky as his hands grabbed my ass tightly, pulling him to me. I automatically spread my legs and wrapped them around him, trying to pull him closer to me where I sat. I couldn't think right now, not of Edward, not of anything. The ache between my legs, the need for Jake cancelled everything out.

“Y-yes,” I said, as Jake deftly unbuttoned my shirt and yanked it off my shoulders. His brow creased.

“What's that, Bella?” he asked curiously, and touched the fading mark on my neck. My heart stopped. Oh no, does he know, does he know?

“Guess I must have scratched my neck or something,” I heard myself lie, trying to remain composed so my face would not betray me. Thankfully, Jake had already lost interest. He pulled one of my bra cups to the side and moved to pay homage to my nipple with his tongue. The warmth of his licks sent my heart thumping, and more moisture pooled in my panties. I moved my small hands down to his waistband, trailing my fingers along it. He gasped, but did not stop his assault on my breasts, now moving to the other one to flick his tongue over it. In an uncharacteristically bold gesture for me, I grasped the rock hard bulge I could feel in his pants. I want to feel that inside me. NOW, I thought desperately, and began to unbutton and unzip his pants.

Jake lifted his head up for a moment. His hands came round my back and my bra was unclipped and thrown to the floor with speed. “The benefits of being a werewolf,” he murmured, and continued what I'd started by tugging his pants and boxers down to his ankles, not even bothering to remove them.

I was gasping so loud now it was almost embarrassing but I didn't care. It wasn't even desire so much. It was need. I needed Jake more than I'd ever needed him before. My body was begging for release, and he was going to give it to me. I pulled him to me, my hands twisting in his hair as I tasted his warm, delicious lips again and again. He grabbed my legs that had fallen back against the counter and hitched them up against his hips.

“Now this won't do, honey,” he whispered throatily in my ear. “You're wearing far too many clothes.” I remembered I still had a knee length skirt on from being at work. It was black, and pretty frumpy looking. I sort of wished Jake hadn't seen me in it, but he didn't seem to care. He pushed the skirt up above my waist, not even bothering to undo it, and clutched a handful of fabric on my panties. In a second they were torn from my body. I tried not to think of someone else who had such strength.

“You're gorgeous, Bella,” Jake said, his eyes popping out at the sight of my naked body in full, never mind that he'd seen it so many times before. I took the opportunity to run my eyes over his body also. It was beautiful, his russet skin, the hard muscles on his chest that led to his belly and lower, to a trail of dark hair. I stared at his erection, proudly displayed before me, and my mouth fell open. He was so hard. I didn't think I'd ever seen him this hard before. I reached down and wrapped my fingers around his length. He groaned as I began a steady rhythm with my wrist, but he stopped me after only a couple of minutes.

I looked up at him, confused, but he only smiled. “Er, that's actually a bit too much for me right now. I don't want to get too excited.” I laughed in understanding and didn't object when he turned his attentions to me. Jake brought his mouth back to me in a fierce kiss, drinking me in as his hands roamed my body. He dragged his callused fingers down my body, starting from my neck, down to my breasts, my belly, and then, lower...it felt incredible, his roughness on my soft skin. I tingled as I waited for him to reach the spot where I wanted him the most. His hot fingers lightly stroked over my clit, and I whimpered slightly. I tried not to think of the cold tongue that had been in the same spot as Jake's fingers as I leaned into his touch.

“You like that, hmmm?” he said, and I could only nod. I leaned my head back against the cabinet, moaning as Jake pressed the pad of his thumb against me and began to trace circles around my clit. He sped up the circles, and I felt my pleasure building. I was tightening into knots, and I knew I would come undone soon, but I wanted him in me when it happened.

“Stop!” I cried out, thought it took all my strength. Jake paused his fingers, looking puzzled before he realised. “Make me forget my own name. Fuck me,” I said, my voice a husky whisper that I didn't recognise. Briefly, I recalled how I had once said the first sentence to Edward, in the tent after I'd kissed Jake. And he hadn't given in. Shut up, Bella, concentrate on the moment! And so I did. Jake growled at my request, unused to hearing such profanities from me, but it seemed to excite him. He lifted me so I was balanced carefully on the counter, and spread my knees apart so each foot rested on the worktop.

I looked into his warm, brown eyes for just a second, and knew that we were giving each other the comfort we needed. Nothing else mattered but this. He guided himself towards me and swiftly impaled himself in my wet heat. I threw my head back and moaned at the feeling of Jake filling me so completely. He felt so warm inside me, so good. But not cold...Bella, enough! Once again I thought no more, and gave myself to Jake.

“Ohhh, Bella,” he cried. “You're so wet - and tight. And mine.” That last word came out as a growl, and he began to thrust into me. Jake was normally a gentle lover, but he certainly wasn't being gentle with me now. He was gripping my hips so tightly it almost hurt.

“Never, never forget you're mine, Bella,” he said, pulling me towards him more as he thrust upward into me, hitting my g-spot. It felt intensely pleasurable, but now I noticed a strange edge to it that I hadn't before. Jake was jealous as hell, and it was jealousy that was driving his need. But I didn't care, as this was far more raw and passionate than any sex we'd ever had before. It was just what I needed, to make me forget the awful person I was, the terrible thing that I'd done.

Jake's hands were in my hair, on my face, my back, everywhere as he pulled me closer and closer to him. I wasn't objecting as I tipped my hips to meet each thrust. I wrapped my legs around his back, and after a moment he grabbed my legs and held them up, draping them over his arms. This angle was even deeper, and it felt amazing as he pounded into me, increasing his speed. I could feel the fabric of my skirt rubbing against us where he'd pushed it up above my waist. He dropped my legs back to the counter and reached down between our bodies, finding my clit. He rolled my nub between his fingers, alternating between that and rubbing his fingers over it, building the intensity all the time.

Tucking my ankles around him, I willed him to fuck me harder, faster. More. More. Jake responded by pushing himself into me and gently biting my neck. I cried out: it actually hurt but the pain felt good. I chanced a look into his eyes and saw he was as far gone as I. His eyes were pools of fire, aflame with their desire for me, and their jealousy towards another man. Towards Edward. I was barrelling toward my release, and knew neither of us could last much longer.. Every muscle in my body was tense, pulling all the tension in my body to a secret spot inside of me. There was s tightly coiled spring within me, ready to uncoil any second. Jake's breath was hot in my ear as his thrusts became more and more urgent as his fingers quickened their movement over my clit. The spring was uncoiling, I could feel it...

“Come for me. Scream my name!” he growled, and a few seconds later I burst. The spring snapped open and I threw my head back. I cried out Jake's name over and over as I came like a train, my eyes closing involuntarily. As my orgasm washed over me, a face swam into view beneath my closed lids. It was pale, and so exquisite it almost pained me to look at it - that same face that had triggered such intense pleasure in me not long ago. The sight of Edward's face intensified my release, and as guilty as I felt, I couldn't stop it. I felt my inner walls squeezing Jake so tightly as my nails dug into his back, trying to hold on.

A few moments later, he gave a few final thrusts and an animalistic groan as he spilled his hot seed inside me. I went limp then, collapsing against Jake's chest as my eyes opened once more. He was gone. I couldn't see his face any more, even when I experimentally squeezed my eyes shut again to try. Jake's breaths and mine were still coming heavily as we leaned against each other, resting for a moment. He slowly withdrew and lifted me off the counter. I could feel his essence running down my leg, hot and thick. I quickly ran to the bathroom to clean myself up, and afterwards, took a moment to compose myself. I pulled my skirt back down and stared into the mirror. My face was flushed, my lips bruised from Jake's kisses. I splashed my face with water, trying to calm myself down.

I thought I was dealing with it well. Okay, so what Jake and I did just then was probably nothing more than a comfort-fuck, but I liked to think the fact that we needed each other that much was loving. But was that love? I didn't know, but I knew I'd been pretty damn close to crying when my orgasm subsided. That definitely would have sent alarm bells ringing with Jake, so I was glad I'd been able to hold it together. Throughout the sex I'd been so sure that things were getting better, as I was barely paying attention to Edward in my thoughts.

I'd been completely caught off guard when I suddenly began to picture his face as I orgasmed. It had felt so wrong, convulsing from one man's touch while thinking about the face of another. I couldn't deny, however, how amazing it had felt. The thought of Edward's face had taken me to heights I'd only know when making love with him. In that instant I knew that I may as well give up. I was in love with Edward Cullen, as unconditionally and irrevocably as I'd told myself once. And my love for Jake didn't even match the love I had for Edward. It wasn't the same, not by a long shot.

“But if I were to guess, I'd say you've never really stopped loving me all this time you've been with Jacob."

I very nearly dissolved into sobs as I recalled Edward's words. How could I trust the man who'd broken me not once, but twice, even if I'd never stopped loving him? I'd tried to keep this going with Jake, but I wasn't sure how much longer I could do it if this kept happening. I couldn't breathe at the thought of hurting Jake, and my arms automatically drew up to hug my chest, the way I always used to do to stop myself breaking into pieces. I wanted answers from Edward Cullen, the man who'd stormed back into my life and turned it upside down. There was a man in the next room who I'd already hurt so much, and might be about to hurt even more. I cared about Jacob so much, I really did, but I couldn't have my cake and eat it, be with Jake while knowing that Edward was out there waiting for me.

My shoulders sagged as I realised I had a choice to make. Fire or ice? I was reminded of that Robert Frost poem we'd studied in school once. Some say the world will end in fire, some in ice. Who would my world end in? Edward Cullen or Jacob Black? All I knew was that I couldn't carry on like this. I was going to have to talk to Edward, sooner or later, and straighten this all out. The maybe his marble features wouldn't haunt my dreams as much. Taking a deep breath, I unlocked the bathroom door. Jake had pulled his pants back up and was standing in the kitchen, leaning back against the worktop with his arms folded. I couldn't fathom his expression. He didn't speak as I found my bra and shirt and clumsily put them back on.

“Bella,” he said, his voice calm, but with something simmering under the surface.

“That was pretty good,” I said, mustering up a smile. “Although maybe we shouldn't have done it on Billy's counter.”

“He won't know,” Jake said dryly, and took a step closer to me. “I know it was good, babe. I just wasn't sure if you were there in the moment the whole time. When you came you closed your eyes. You never usually do that with me, you like to see me let go for you.”

I cringed. Why the hell was Jacob always so damn probing with his questions? He knew me too well: that was the problem. He knew exactly what I was like.

“Or is it because you were thinking about him?” His strong hands suddenly held mine to my side, as he searched my face for my reaction. I had nothing. I just looked at him, allowing the crimson blush to coat my cheeks and betray me. Jake saw that, and his arms gripped me tighter.

“Ow, you're hurting me!” I cried, trying to push him away. But he held me fast, not allowing me to get away. I saw pure fury in his eyes, something I'd never expected to see in the warm, chocolate eyes of Jacob Black. I was actually truly frightened of him, for the first time. His shoulders were beginning to shake, and I felt a horrible sense of déjà vu. I realised what was happening. I'd made him too angry, and if he didn't calm down and let me go, he would phase into a wolf. I doubt I'd survive, being this close. After a moment he seemed to come to his senses and released me, pushing me away from him as he closed his eyes and let the trembling of his shape subside.

“I'm sorry,” he said, passing a hand over his eyes. “I shouldn't have done that. Thank God I managed to control myself. It would have been far worse than Sam and Emily. I would have killed you.” His voice was barely a whisper by the end, and he dissolved into great, heaving sobs, his face falling into his hands.

“J – Jake,” I said, my voice breaking as I spoke his name. I stepped forward, wanting to comfort him, to take his pain away somehow.

“Stay away from me, Bella!” he hissed, his voice harsher than I'd ever heard it before. “Just get out of here. Call me when you're over the bloodsucker.”

“Jake - “ I started to say, but he cut me off.

“Don't feel bad. It's my fault for fucking loving you!” He kicked the table, leaving a serious dent in the wood. I wondered how he'd explain that one to Billy. As for me, I'd felt as if he'd kicked me too. In tears, I ran from the house and all the way back up the hill to where my truck waited by the Clearwaters'. Bella, you're a piece of work, I thought, disgusted with myself. I thought of Jacob, my boyfriend, in tears because of how I'd acted. I definitely had to talk to Edward as soon as I could, to face up to the responsibilities of what I'd done. But how would I find him?

--

The same day, Edward's POV

It had only been a couple of weeks but after my conversation with Emmett I told myself I had to come and check on her from afar, to see how she was. None of my family had tried to stop me, even though I could hear through their thoughts how futile they thought it was. I'd driven all the way, so it had taken me a while, but it had helped me clear my head. I hoped she wasn't feeling too guilty. I went to her home first, hoping to see her there, but there was no sign of her. I followed her scent to the restaurant in town.

I wrinkled my nose. Ugh, human food. I hated the smell of it. It didn't even deserve to be compared to Bella's rich, intoxicating scent. I inhaled and my throat burned as always, but I ignored it, as was customary for me. I followed her potent scent along the road, and I realised I was nearing the La Push reservation. Knives pierced my heart. She'd gone to see him. I knew that I should turn back, that it was not my business, but my legs were carrying me forward and I was streaking through the woods, a blur to any human eyes - not that there were any humans around. I reached the sparse trees at the edge of the woods, just behind the red house where I knew the Blacks lived.

I listened for Bella, for her lovely voice that I was so attuned to, and suddenly I heard her. It sounded as if someone was hurting her. She wasn't speaking, she was crying out. My muscles tensed, and I took a step forward. I was ready to kill whoever might be hurting Bella. I'd promised myself when I came to check on her, I wouldn't show myself, but that went out the window right now. Suddenly I realised what it really was, with a sink of my stomach, when I heard deep, unmistakeably male groans matching the sounds she made. Bella's cries were of pleasure, not pain. Oh God. Jacob was there, and he was – ugh, defiling her.

And here I was, lurking in the forest behind the house, listening to the girl I loved getting thoroughly fucked by another man. I amazed even myself sometimes at what a masochist I was. It would almost be funny if it weren't so utterly tragic. Her moans were wanton, desperate, and my acute hearing could even pick up the wet, slapping sound their bodies made as they met again and again. I couldn't help remembering the sounds she made that night with me. The most wonderful sound I'd ever heard, Bella moaning as I plunged into her warm, willing flesh...I was starting to get turned on by that thought, but then I tuned back into the sounds coming from the house. Nope. Completely limp. That'll certainly kill it.

I couldn't listen any more. I turned on my heel and ran deep into the woods, further and further away from the girl I loved. She was happy with him, and he obviously made her feel intense pleasure. I'd seen enough. She didn't want me, despite the things I'd allowed myself to think in the past couple of weeks. No. No. NO!!! I let my predatory vampire instincts take over and sought the only thing that had a chance of making me feel better. I shifted into a hunting crouch, and sniffed the air, searching for a familiar scent.

I found a herd of deer up ahead and let the scent carry me forward. I took one animal down in seconds, sinking my teeth into its neck as if it were butter. The blood was hot and wet, the flavour not entirely satisfying but it somewhat eased the sickness in my stomach. I drained two more in the next five minutes, literally gorging myself on blood. I felt full as I threw the carcass of the last deer down, but so empty at the same time. Since I was most likely never going to have her again, I let a selfish fantasy I'd never previously allowed myself to indulge in wash over me...

Bella by my side, with pale skin and crimson eyes. As beautiful as she always was, but stronger and less breakable. My equal finally, as she had once longed to be. Although I would never be the equal of her love. She turned to me, and her voice rang and shimmered like a bell: “I love you.”

“As I love you,” I replied. I touched her face and she was all new, but still the same Bella. My throat no longer burned, nor did I feel the familiar flow of venom in my mouth. Selfishly, I was glad that I had made her like this. Like me. She would be with me for all eternity, this way, and I would never have to lose her. She stretched her arms round my neck to kiss me...

I leant against a tree, gasping as the force of the fantasy hit me. I was pouring salt on my gaping wounds, but it was worth it just to imagine what it would be like to have her by my side. Even though Bella would never be mine, for she had him. Why would she take me back when she had Jacob Black, who'd never let her down like I had? I had no need to breathe, but right then I was gasping for air like a dying man. A strangled sound tore from my chest, and I dissolved into futile, tearless sobs. My hands gripped the roots of the tree, and I felt them crack. I stared at my pale hands, instruments of inhuman strength, and was repulsed by myself. I could not even make love to Bella without bruising her, wanting to kill her and drain the blood from her body! How could I have ever thought I could have her? Fight for her, Emmett? How exactly am I supposed to do that? She doesn't even fucking LOVE ME!

“NO!” I roared in heart-wrenching agony, fisting my hands in the earth, making deep imprints in the soil. My voice was barely my own. Sobs wrenched themselves from deep inside me, but they brought no relief, as I could not cry.

This is what I am.

I wished I could go back to how I was before Bella had come into my life – bored, lonely, depressed, but still, not altogether knowing what I missed from my life.

I felt the shrill ring of my phone as it began to vibrate in my pocket - and I knew it would be Alice, who'd seen this in her head, but I ignored it as I knelt on the forest floor, heaving with sobs, overcome with the raw pain that twisted in my heart whenever I thought of Bella with him.

This is what I am. Be strong, Edward. You don't want this life for her, and she doesn't want it either.

My strength failed, however, as I cried my heart out, incoherent sounds bubbling up from deep beneath my skin. I had no idea how long I lay there. It could have been days, weeks even, although as I looked up at the sky I surmised it was a couple of hours later – twilight. The safest time of the day for me, as I'd once told Bella. A time for the fell creature I was to creep about undetected, without the menace of the sun to mar my path.

I briefly considered going to Bella's home to see if she was back yet, but that was out of the question. I didn't need to see her exuding happiness after her tryst with Jacob. What to do? I didn't really want to go back to my family. I headed to where I'd left my car on the outskirts of Forks, and had reached Port Angeles before I even realised where I'd gone. I walked into the foyer of the Olympic Lodge, which was what passed for a fancy hotel in Port Angeles.

“Good evening” I said smoothly. The concierge's eyes popped out, and as usual I was treated to a barrage of lewd thoughts. Oh my, that might just be the best-looking man I've ever seen. But wait, he looks familiar. Isn't his dad a doctor? Too young anyway, I think he's in high school. Probably legal though, he looks like a senior. Well, I'm only thirty-two, so maybe he'd want to...too young, too young, too young! I suppose she was pretty enough, blonde hair and blue eyes, but she paled in comparison to Bella.

I raised my eyebrows slightly and she blushed, naturally, not knowing that I had seen everything that she'd just thought.

“Your executive suite, please, if it's available?” I asked, leaning forward slightly to smile at her. God, I hated doing this charming act, but it was far too easy to dazzle human women, and it usually helped me get what I wanted.

“C-certainly, sir,” she said, stuttering slightly as she tapped keys on the computer. “Good choice. There's a living room, two king-size beds, a 42” TV and floor-to-ceiling windows for fantastic views of the Olympic Mountains and our golf course.” I almost laughed out loud at that, me playing golf. “How long would you like to reserve for?”

“A week, I think,” I said. “I may extend my stay.”

“Very good, sir. Quite a large room for a single man, isn't it?”

I flashed a wide grin at her. “I guess I'm just ostentatious.” I could feel her pulse quicken and she was frozen for a moment, staring into my face. Whoa, Edward, tone it down. You don't want to make the poor girl faint.

“Your name?” she asked when she'd composed herself.

“Edward Masen,” I told her, and it was not really a lie as that was my given Christian name. I could tell she was a little confused that I had no luggage with me, but I handed over my gold American Express card for her to swipe and she asked no questions after that. The unfortunate truth was that money talked, and it was good that my family had a lot of it, as our wealth could often avoid awkward questions about whom we really were. Wow, he's gorgeous and RICH. Sigh...too young! I gritted my teeth and tried to tune out her thoughts as she continued booking the room on her computer.

She handed me a key card. “It's room 123 – Executive Suite. Just head up in the elevator, and don't hesitate to call any time you need anything. Oh, don't forget - we're serving complimentary milk and cookies at 8pm.” I hastily turned my laugh into a hacking cough when she gave me a strange look. A couple of minutes later, I unlocked the door of the room. What the hell had I just done? Did I think staying in the most expensive hotel in Port Angeles was going to help? I knew I really wanted to be around so I could look in on Bella, however fruitless it might be. My phone began to ring again and I sighed, knowing whom it would be before I even looked at the caller ID and saw 'Alice'. I flipped the phone open, resigned to this.

“Yes?”

“Edward!” Alice squealed in excitement, her voice at an even more annoying volume than usual. I winced. I thought she'd just about burst my eardrum.

“What is it?”

“Look, I know you're deep in your emo, I-don't-want-to-see-anyone thing, but then I saw where you checked into. I've always wanted to go to the Olympic Lodge – the views are supposed to be gorgeous. And you booked the suite, so there'll be plenty of room for me. I could bring Jazz too.”

“Alice, NO,” I said, trying to sound as severe as possible. “I want to be on my own.”

“Pleeeeeeeese?” she asked, her voice plaintive. I could almost see her pouting on the other end of the line.

“Are you going to just keep annoying me until I say you can come and stay?” I asked, knowing how relentless my small sister could be.

“Yep,” she said brightly. “And I could talk to Bella.” I was silent on the other end of the phone. I knew she'd say this. I didn't know if I wanted her to make contact with Bella: it might upset her even more. But I suppose I could let her come and stay for a while, as I decided if that was what I wanted. Alice was often my confidante, and it might do me some good to have some company.

“Fine, stay,” I heard myself say. “But just you. I don't want Jasper trying to alter my moods.”

“Okay,” she agreed. “I'll get a flight and be there in a few hours.” I could almost feel the excitement effervescing off of her, and felt a cold sense of dread. What have I done, letting Alice come here? It might help me though, her being here.

“Bye,” I said, and she hung up. I inwardly groaned. Alice knew Bella the best apart from me, so maybe her presence would bring me some comfort. Or maybe it would be the opposite – I didn't know. All I knew was that I wanted to feel relief from thoughts of Bella, and especially thoughts of her with him. I sat on the sofa and turned on ESPN, where I tried to absorb myself in a baseball game. It was the Seattle Mariners versus the Chicago White Sox. Rather ironic, given that I'd supported the latter team in my human years. I watched the ball fly across the screen, watched the players run and catch, but then the screen changed. And it was her face I saw. I clenched my fist and heard a snapping sound, realising I'd just broken the remote in half.

This is what I am.

I stayed like that for the next few hours, idly channel surfing but not really watching, for my thoughts dwelt only on Bella Swan.

--

I know, that was a ridiculously long chapter, sorry, but I hope it was worth it – please leave a REVIEW and tell me what your favourite bit was. Next chapter Alice arrives, and things are set in motion...

PLEASE REVIEW? PRETTY PLEASE WITH RPATTZ UNDER MY XMAS TREE WEARING ONLY A BOW? You know what I'm talking about, ladies ;) (and any gay or straight men out there as well, for that matter!)
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Beneath a Shattered Sky