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Aftermath	By : singvogel Category: A through F > Forgotten Realms Views: 3056 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: The Forgotten Realms/recognisable characters appearing in this story are Wizards of the Coast, Inc., all rights reserved. They are used without permission and for entertainment purposes only. No profit is being made by the autor.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
A/N: I'm not quite sure if I want to leave the ending as it is, but for now this is it. The story is almost finished at this point, but there will probably be an epilogue.
Past, present, future
“Well, are you coming?”
Not quite knowing what else to do the couple follows Jaellien inside, where they find him sitting at the table, arms crossed in front of his chest. Hralien takes to hoovering near the door, not sure if he should stay or leave. The strange moment he has just witnessed between the Jaellien and the drow has left him unsettled enough, combined with Tos’un’s earlier outburst, that he cannot quite bring himself to turn around and walk away.
“We probably should have done this years ago”, the blond mage says, “but since I expect that it is going to be very painful, I could never find the will to actually initiate any kind of discussion between the three of us.” He gives them an expectant look. “We are going to sit down and talk now though.”
Surprisingly, despite her earlier demands that they leave, Sinnafein is the first to take a seat of her own.
“Talk then”, she demands with narrow eyes and thin lips, obviously leaving it to them to decide who should start.
“What do you know of what happened after you left us alone in Silverymoon?”
“That long?” Sinnafein only breathes instead of answering, causing Jaellien to frown with barely restrained irritation.
“Very well”, he says with forced calm. “I will just give you a summary then.”
Tos’un does not seem to have any objections, but sits rigidly only watching the blond mage like one would watch an avalanche.
“After you left we spent some time shouting at each other until, rather predictably, we started an actual physical fight, which lead to me chaining Tos’un up to whip him until I almost killed him. I probably would have, if Laylien had not stopped me. Fortunately he is rather more level headed than I am.” Jaellien waits for a moment, but the stunned, uneasy silence around him seems enough prompt to go on. “We fed him a strong healing potion and after Laylien left us alone I proceeded to bed Tos’un even though he asked me not to do it for your sake.” He shrugs almost defiantly. “I told him he had no choice and he did not resist otherwise and if you’re going to tell me now that, like your Hralien you are of the opinion that I have raped him, I will only say that I feel entitled after he has done the very same thing to me more times than I can remember.”
“Is that true?” Sinnafein looks very pale when she asks Tos’un for confirmation.
“I told you I did terrible things to him”, he answers stonily.
“That was not what I just asked.”
“Yes. It is.”
“And neither of you thought that maybe you should tell me these things!?” Sinnafein’s voice is rising, already shaking with anger again.
“No”, Jaellien says simply. “If I had told you, you would have stepped in. I did not want that.”
“Damn right I would have!” She turns to Tos’un instead. “What was your stupid reason then?”
“I was quite simply frightened he would speak about the past with others and I felt guilty towards you, so I ignored it and desperately tried to forget that anything had ever happened”, Tos’un says mostly speaking towards the table in that moment. “The only problem with that was, that Jaellien kept… reminding me.” He takes a deep breath before he continues: “If it weren’t for the promises I made to you, I probably would would not have protested or minded much at all.”
“You would not have minded that he coerced you into having sex with him? How could you not mind that?”
Tos’un surprises them both by smiling with subdued but honest amusement.
“It will take more than a bit of sex to break me Sinnafein. I am well used to making bargains like that. It was what got me through the Academy relatively unscathed and after that, well let’s just say I was pretty enough to rely on it quite regularly. It is a fairly common practise in Menzoberranzan. That part was not a problem.” He shrugs uncomfortably. “In the past I would either have killed him or struck a bargain and that would have been the end of it. Only now I was unable to do either of that. I felt trapped by all these demands my new life here put on me in that context and did not know what to do to resolve the situation. What I owed Jaellien stood in direct conflict to what I owed to you and that left me with no way forward. I admit that ignoring everything as best as I could was probably not the most ideal course of action, but at the time I could not see another option, so that’s what I did, even though it felt terrible.”
He looks as if he desperately wants to touch Sinnafein, take hold of her hand to reassure her, but he does not quite dare to do that yet. “I’m very sorry my actions have hurt you so. We really should have talked about this earlier. I should have come to you, but I just could not, because that would have meant to acknowledge everything that happened. I did not feel capable of doing that, as long as I had no solution to the whole mess. I’m sorry.”
“This does not absolve you! I hope you are aware of that.” Although Sinnafein is clearly speaking to Jaellien it is Tos’un who cringes at her harsh tone. And she is not finished yet either. “So why did you decide to keep it up during the next five years?”
Jaellien looks at her in surprise, but averts his gaze quickly, a mix of emotions playing over his face too fast to discern them all.
“Can you not guess?” he asks softly.
“No.”
She rather thinks she can, but she does not want to deal with this based on assumptions which could or could not be entirely correct.
“Very well then”, the blond mage concedes after a few seconds, drawing himself up until he is looking almost vicious, shoulders squared, eyes dark, which fills Tos’un with an ominous feeling of uncertainty. “I wanted something from Tos’un he was not prepared to give, because it already belonged to you. So for five years I kept hurting both of us, trying to get it in spite of that. I simply could not let it go, I was incapable of it, obsessed.” He stops and shakes his head then. “Actually no, I still am. Although my intentions have changed over time. What I was initially aiming for was to make him understand what I had felt, to force him to realize what it is like to have your whole being hinge on the whim of one person. One very capricious person who could be nice and pet you gently one moment only to turn around and hurt you terribly the next, without any apparent reason, no matter how much you tried to be good.” At this Tos’un looks away, because now that he has experienced how it feels to agonize about someone you love, how much it tears at you to be rejected, he suddenly does feel guilty. More than ever before. “I wanted him to know how much it hurts, how it destroys you to be treated in such a way, to finally feel it for himself.” Jaellien sighs wistfully. “I should have known that when he finally relented a bit I would not be able to do it.”
Tos’un, who has always known that Jaellien is not above being manipulative if he thinks he needs to be, is not really surprised by this last admission. It may be true, but if he did not think that he could gain something by revealing it, then the mage would never have told anyone about his feelings. Jaellien is normally much too private for that, but he is also pragmatic. Tos’un knows he should say something now, say that he regrets, that he is sorry, but the words stick in his throat and then the moment has passed. He can feel the mage staring at him though and hopes that maybe the other is able to read it in his face, that it will be enough.
“Now that I have actually had a small taste of what it can be like”, Jaellien continues when Sinnafein only keeps watching him silently, “I do not want to give it up. I am prepared to do anything, to beg, make amends if you want, whatever it takes. Just let me have at least a small part of him.”
The intensity on his face and the need shining in his eyes disturb Hralien deeply. To him it has something unhealthy and desperate, but maybe that is not very surprising given how this all started. It does not calm his mind that he can see Tos’un watch the mage like a hawk, most of his attention momentarily diverted. Hralien cannot quite tell what it is that he can read in the red eyes, some kind of hunger maybe, overlaid by guilt and resentment at the current situation.
“And what about me?” Sinnafein finally asks, her voice brittle, eyes shining too bright. “Are you not supposed to be my friend? Did you never consider what this would mean to me?”
“Of course I did”, Jaellien says crossing his arms defensively, jaw clenched. “That’s why I did not want you to find out. Although I can see now how shortsighted my actions were, my purpose was not to hurt you.”
“But you did hurt me. Both of you!” She has found her anger again, although her voice is still uneven. “And now? Do you just expect me to accept everything and move on? I have had to put up with so much stupid questions and even outright accusations for my choice to be with Tos’un. Do you not think that for that I am at least owed some honesty? That is all I ever asked damn you!” In this moment she looks almost as if she wants to hit her husband. “I never expected you to be perfect. I never demanded that of you. I only wanted you to be truthful and to find out that you could not manage to do the one thing I asked, how do you think that makes me feel?”
Tos’uns whole posture slumps dejectedly and his eyes turn down. His head is slightly turned as well to bare his neck. Jaellien remembers seeing him like this before on occasions when he had to placate Kaer’lic in the early times just after he had joined the trio of drow. He had not quite learned then how to behave to please her best and the priestess always had a quick temper. It had taken some time until the three had really accepted Tos’un as one of them.
“I’m sorry”, the drow whispers brokenly. “I should have tried harder.”
“So, you’re not going to fight back at all?” the mage suddenly questions angrily, his feelings bursting out almost before he has time to realize them himself. “Just because she is female? I distinctly remember you arguing with me quite determinedly for years, even though you were clearly in the wrong, but to her you just fold like that? Like a good little boy? I believe I should be insulted.”
Tos’un only blinks at him for a moment, clearly unsure what to do with this unexpected, jarring outburst.
“I…”, he falters, “Well, I… don’t know?”
Sinnafein frowns deeply. “Why are you changing the topic?”
“Oh, am I?”, Jaellien snaps. “I thought this was amongst other things also discussion about what we all think we deserve from each other. I happen to think I deserve to be treated with the same care you do.” He narrows his eyes at the drow. “And if Tos’un is too encumbered by his upbringing to defend himself and argue with you if you deserve it, then I think he should be helped to remember that he is not forced to bow to you in every matter just because you have been gifted with a pair of breasts.”
“And in your opinion, what exactly do you think he should argue with me about?”
Sinnafein clearly does not see what the mage means. Her frown tells them as much.
“I simply do not see why this surprises you so very much! You knew from the start what kind of history lies between us. I told you myself that I used to sleep with him on most nights and I am pretty sure that he told you, he is still attracted to me. At least he has hinted at it a few times. What did you expect to happen when you pushed us together like you did? You cannot tell me the possibility that we might have sex again has never occurred to you. And yet you clearly chose to ignore it, even though you were aware that you were dealing with two damaged and partly unpredictable individuals. How does that make you any better than him? I am not saying we are not to blame, but you also cannot just remove yourself from this completely as if you have played no part in it at all.”
Tos’un just watches wide eyed. He has never really thought about things in this context. But it seems that Jaellien is not finished yet.
“If you have really talked as much as you both like to point out, you must also know that drow generally do not tend to form strictly monogamous relationships when it comes to physical interactions. If there is one it is usually about power. Hells even Donnia and Adnon, who were hardly able to keep apart for more than a few hours occasionally included someone else. It is not unusual behaviour.”
“You think of Tos’un as damaged?”
A flash of anger flits through the mages eyes, but when he answers he sounds calmer than expected. “Who is changing the topic now?” He asks snappily, but continues before Sinnafein can answer. “From your perspective he would have to be, don’t you think? By your standards he has been severely abused by the women of his home town for most of his life. He actually told you so, just a few moments ago.” He grimaces, before he goes on. “Even Kaer’lic simply expected him to obey for the most part if she wanted sex and did not wish to take me. What small leeway she gave he was clearly grateful for. Even I could recognize that at the time, so I can only deduce that he was accustomed to being used a lot more harshly. The scars on his back alone should tell you much about it. I’m sure you have not missed those.” When Sinnafein’s gaze turns reluctantly thoughtful at that he continues almost spitefully: “Have you not noticed him tense sometimes when you move too quickly just on the edge of his vision where he can’t see you very well? I have, because I do it too and I don’t expect it is ever going to go away completely.”
Tos’un does not really like being portrayed as a victim, but since this is the first time he sees something else than hurt and anger in the eyes of his wife he decides wisely to keep his mouth shut about it and merely throws a small sideways glance at Jaellien to indicate that he should shut up now. When the wizard only sneers back at him, he sighs inwardly. At least Jaellien also stops talking.
“So you think I have been measuring the situation against the wrong standards? That I have invited he hurt I feel now?”
The blond mage inclines his head spreading his arms, despite Sinnafein’s accusing glare.
“In a way”, he agrees. “As I said before, it does not mean, that what we… what I did was right, but I do think you are looking at things from a very limited perspective. I am aware that this does not make it hurt less. It is merely to provide you with a better understanding of what lies behind our actions.”
Sinnafein looks away, the last sentence reminds her uncomfortably of what she has overheard between Hralien and her husband two nights ago. Tos’un had sounded so convinced that her professed acceptance of his past would crumble in the face of reality one day.
“Well, right now I feel as if I don’t know either of you as well as I thought”, she says. “It seems that you have shown me only the parts of yourself you wished me to see and left me in the dark about the rest.”
It pains her to admit this, but it is probably true. Maybe she really has no complete understanding of either of them. But with her own experiences in life so vastly different from what the two men before her had to go through she can only theorize. How could she ever truly understand them? For a moment the thought makes her feel terribly inadequate.
“Did you never tell me because I did not give you all you needed? Do you not trust me?” Sinnafein finally asks when she cannot bear that feeling any longer.
The question sounds plaintive, bordering on accusing, but Tos’un is already shaking his head, before she has even finished her sentence.
“No”, he protests. “I told you, I was content with how things were.”
“But content is not happy!”
For all that Tos’un is squirming in his chair, he clearly does not have a good answer to that.
“It is more than I have ever had before and I am terrified of losing it”, he finally forces out, when it becomes clear that Sinnafein as well as Jaellien are expecting some kind of verbal reaction from him. “You are the first person I can honestly say I have truly loved and cared for”, he scrambles to explain when Sinnafein’s face falls at this. “So what if I had to compromise a little bit. It is a small price to pay and I have always considered it worth it. I would never expect you to do something you do not enjoy just to satisfy a selfish desire on my part. You mean so much more than that to me!”
Sinnafein only stares for a few moments her eyes unreadable.
“Maybe what Jaellien said is not so wrong after all”, she finally says evenly. There is sadness, but also a new resolve in her, although neither of the men knows what this means yet. “It seems you are not the only one who has been remiss in his duties. Ours is supposed to be a partnership of equals, but I clearly have not realized that you sacrificed more than I thought. I should have seen that, but I never really did until it was pointed out to me today and for that I apologize. Maybe it was selfish of me to simply expect you to be satisfied by the same things which fulfill me.”
A small smile spreads on her lips at the dumbfounded stares from both of them, but she quickly turns serious again.
“That does not mean that I will just forgive you. What you did was wrong, I am still hurting and you will make amends, but it also means that I think we must move forward and should be able to find an arrangement which will achieve balance between all of us.”

At this Hralien decides that the danger of violence has passed and he should leave. So he silently slips away, leaving them to have their discussion in private.
- 6
- 7
- 8
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Aftermath