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Bittersweet Hurt	By : Minervaone Category: Twilight Series > Slash > Carlisle/Edward Views: 7954 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
Authors Note: A giant THANK YOU to all of the wonderful reviews for this story
You know, I had not planned on making everyone wait this long between chapters, but my computer passed on to the great CPU in the sky…I buried in out in the field with a bunch of calla lilies and a quiet memorial service. It had been a trooper. ;) wipes tear away. Lol… j/k.
Anyway, no one wants to read this ramble, you want to get on to the good stuff, right? Right. So - standard disclaimer that I own none of these characters and make no profit from this.
Enjoy.
Reviews are fuel.
******
Part Eight – The Choice
They had traveled for months in their new Model T Ford with a few bags between them and Edward’s piano strapped to the top; a pair of beautiful vagabonds exploring the new world – east to the Atlantic Ocean, back across to the Pacific Northwest, through the Canadian wilds and down to the depths of the Mexican jungles. The two stopped for a few weeks here and there, finding small homes to make their own, if only for a short while. Carlisle and Edward had become like ghosts flitting around the edges of life – ghosts with no home and no direction - going only where the wind took them.
Minutes became hours, and hours became days as they rode in their car - Carlisle driving while Edward fiddled with the radio - few words passed between them these days. Neither had many words to share of any importance, none left that were safe anymore, none that didn’t bring back memories of the past or their dreams.
Leaning his head against the window, Edward stared out at the landscape passing in the darkness, nameless faces and places that all began to look the same; another forest, another deer, another town full of sweet blood, another night spent in strained passion.
Edward had gotten exactly what he had asked for – to explore the world with no restrictions - and Carlisle had given it to him with little hesitation.
Yet it wasn’t as fun as he had thought it would be. Edward had dreamed of the two of them laughing and sharing incredible hunts in exotic locales, full of foreign flavors and endless nights. Carlisle was humoring him - it didn’t take mind reading skills to see that he was entirely miserable with the whole situation. His thoughts had been clear enough in that regard, always wondering if this would be the town they where they could finally stop for a while.
In the beginning Edward had gone through all of his techniques to get Carlisle to lighten up and enjoy himself, but as soon as the passion was spent, the air around him would settle into a tired silence, only making Edward feel guiltier – and soon he just …stopped trying.
So they drove on with only the night, the sounds of the road, and Carlisle and Edward with the escalating tension between them that even searing kisses and heated touches could not bridge. Somehow, someway, the distance had seeped between them like a slow frost. Edward couldn’t say when it happened, but they had gone from the heights of passion to simply going through the motions - a quick kiss, a light caress, and a firm stroke. How can one feel so distant from someone with whom he shared his every waking moment?
If they had been normal - if they were not vampires, if they were not bonded together with their damned existence, if he was more stable with his instincts, then…perhaps… they might have gone their separate ways long ago. Yet they were vampires, they were forever tied through Carlisle’s actions, and so they were still together, driving on to the next nameless town.
. . .
It was a hot and humid August day when they found themselves back in the Midwest - another tiny dot on the map. The sun was setting as stopped at a small gas station to fill up. The routine was set - Carlisle would go inside to inquire about lodgings while Edward took care of the car.
The gas pump clicked steadily and the fumes hung heavy in the stifling air as Edward watched Carlisle through the window. Frustration welled in his chest as his blonde angel smiled bright and laughed with the clerk while passing him several folded bills. Carlisle rarely smiled anymore - not like he used to, or at least not for Edward. Not any more. Not after the incident with the girl.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Ever since that day Carlisle’s thoughts had quietly faded behind a fuzzy haze, growing dimmer with each passing day, and now Edward could barely pick out even a random thought unless Carlisle purposely let him hear.
It was made perfectly clear Edward was being shut out from his mind, and Carlisle was making no apologies for it.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Edward opened the hood and began to check the oil and the engine, unable to shake the nervous knot forming in the pit of his stomach. Something was going horribly wrong between them and he didn’t know how to fix it. He tried to give Carlisle everything he could offer – all of himself - and yet it still wasn’t enough. Edward knew he would never be what Carlisle really wanted deep down in the places that no one talks about. There was no way to compete with the memory of a dream, a dream of a life they would never have.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
The pump clicked off with a snap, bringing Edward out of his reverie. Carlisle cast a quick glance out of the window, their eyes meeting for a brief moment before turning back to the clerk.
Golden eyes followed blonde hair as Carlisle came out, silently settling in the car. Edward looked over at him, taking in his expressionless face and tight lips. He was hiding something, and now Edward was mentally kicking himself for not paying attention to the thoughts of the gas station clerk. The two had planned to turn north and continue back into the deep forests, but instead Carlisle swung the car south and began to head into the heart of town.
“Where are we going?” Edward asked.
Carlisle took a deep breath, his wary golden eyes finally meeting his. “The town’s only doctor passed months ago and they desperately need someone at the hospital. I thought I would help them out until they find someone permanent,” he said, his gaze going back to the road.
Edward furrowed his brows at the news. “But we are supposed to go to Canada!”
A sigh of frustration escaped pale cold lips. “That can wait, this cannot. We have eternity to go to Canada, but these people need help now,” he said. “I am only staying until they find a replacement.”
Rolling his eyes, Edward sat back hard against the seat and crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine.”
“Don’t make this difficult,” Carlisle thought.
. . .
As the sun dipped behind the horizon, they pulled up next to a small building that had seen better days - windows were cracked and broken, green paint peeled off in large flakes from the deteriorating siding. A simple sign stood in front with the word hospital spelled out, missing several letters, leaving a ring where they should have been.
The nurses were tired and haggard after spending countless hours treating the constant stream of patients. Edward heard the utter relief and thanks in their thoughts as Carlisle offered to assist them.
Ten minutes after they pulled in, Carlisle pushed Edward into the car and grabbed his medical bag. “Why don’t you go on ahead find us a place to live?” he said, shoving a large wad of money into Edward’s cold hands.
“You’re starting right now?”
“Edward, this town has been without a doctor for several months. You saw the line of patients waiting for treatment; I can’t put this off,” he said aloud. “I need this…please, Edward,” Carlisle thought, and turned to go back into the hospital without waiting for a response.
. . .
By the next day Edward had located a small home for them on the edge of a large swath of forest outside of town. It was a typical farmhouse – white siding and black shutters, complete with a large porch and tall windows.
It was a home just like the rest they had rented before - nothing particularly special. There was furniture they would rarely sit in; a bathroom and kitchen they would never use. Dingy lace drapes hung over the windows – the glass already starting to ripple with age - their sills filled with the carcasses of flies. The entire house smelled like mold and must; no one had lived here in quite some time.
Edward busied himself pulling in their bags and moving the piano into the living room, making the house livable once more. The hours flew by unnoticed as he scrubbed and cleaned, not paying attention to how much time had passed until the following dawn began to break over the horizon. Carlisle still had not returned home.
There was little else for him to do except pace the floor and wait, wander the grounds and wait, play the piano and wait, sit and think about Carlisle’s brilliant smile and soft blonde hair, sit and think about the passion they had shared, and sit and think about how strained things had gotten between them.
. . .
Carlisle finally came home two days later. Edward was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling when Carlisle slipped quietly in beside him, pushing his unruly bronze hair back and giving him a quick kiss on the forehead. “The house looks fantastic, thanks for doing this for us,” he said, before rolling over and turning his bare back to Edward, content to simply rest after such a long shift at the hospital.
Deciding he had been left alone for far too long, Edward turned to press his chest against Carlisle’s back, his right hand snaking down the tight muscles, past the blonde hairs and around his shaft, pressing gentle kisses along soft skin. Carlisle’s shoulders tensed up, “Could we do this tomorrow? I would just like to rest for a while,” he thought.
Edward sighed against his back. “Fine. Whatever,” he said, pushing away from Carlisle and sliding out of bed to search for strewn clothing on the floor, trying his best to reach past the fuzzy barrier and into the dark reaches of Carlisle’s mind - knowing already he would see someone else there.
“Please don’t dig around in my mind, Edward. I would appreciate it if I could have some thoughts to myself now and again,” Carlisle said without turning to look at him while he pulled on clean trousers. “If you are so bored, why don’t you find something to do? Why not go to college? Or take some music lessons? You have eternity, it’s best to find ways to deal with the boredom now.”
“Perhaps I should just go explore the world on my own. That would help me deal with the boredom, ” Edward spat out.
Carlisle was silent for a long moment. “Don’t say such things,” he said with a whisper.
Edward stalked out of room without a backwards glance. “I’m going hunting.”
Closing his eyes, Carlisle listened as he raced to the forest. Why couldn’t the boy just give him some space? Why was he so upset over a memory, so against him working at the hospital? He rubbed his fingers on his temples wondering if he wasn’t being punished somehow for turning Edward into a vampire.
. . .
Six weeks after they landed in this small and nameless town, Edward snapped. Perhaps it was from boredom, perhaps it was from frustration, but most likely, he thought, it was from heartbreak.
Carlisle came home long enough to hunt and hold up the illusion he was resting so no one would get suspicious, home long enough for Edward to see the happiness in his demeanor, the smile on his face, and the soft tune he hummed under his breath; he was unable to hide the satisfaction he got from attending those in need. Edward and his problems were obviously long forgotten in his mind.
His happiness just made Edward more miserable – sitting alone in the house with the sweltering summer heat - abandoned and swept away for the sake of a fleeting human life that would be gone in the blink of an eye.
His long and graceful fingers flew over the ivory keys, playing louder and louder to drown out the wailing siren in the distance, childishly hoping Carlisle wouldn’t hear it, hoping he would forget about the hospital for just one day so they could go to the forest and hunt and just be lovers again.
Soft fingers trailed down his neck and over his shoulder as Carlisle leaned in to press a kiss against his temple. “I’m going in to work,” he said.
Edward’s hands left the keyboard and reached up to hold Carlisle’s hand on his shoulder. “Please…don’t go. Just for today, stay here with me. We can go hunting like we used to – the nurses can handle it, just for today. Please, Carlisle.”
“I won’t be long,” he said, heading out the door and throwing hot and humid air into the house.
It was too much - watching him walk away time after time, watching the distant look in his eyes, watching the one thing that made his monstrous existence worthwhile push him away. Perhaps it was time Edward grew up and relieved Carlisle of his burden. He only wanted to see him happy again, and if it meant leaving him, then…that is what he would give his blonde savior.
He knew he was never part of Carlisle’s dream, never to be more than a bandage for the pain and loneliness, a substitute at best. Edward knew he had been a fool for staying as long as he had. It would be best to just leave, although he had no idea where to go or what to do.
Thirty minutes later after watching his angel walk away for the last time, Edward made his choice. Armed with only a small bag of clothes and phantom vampire tears, he headed into the forest as lightning streaked across the sky and the rain began to pour down.
. . .
Carlisle couldn’t remember how long he had been at the hospital; there were so many patients to see now that word had gotten out of his presence. The work helped him clear his mind, to make choices without shielding his thoughts and emotions, to find some distance, and to be able to listen to his own heart again.
Walking into the small exam room, he pulled the curtain back and let out a small gasp. There on the bed was a small boy with bronze hair, who looked exactly like a young Edward. Memories of the plague ravaged city and a dying boy flooded his thoughts, memories that had been shoved to the back of his mind along with everything else. Carlisle had spent so much time trying to pull away that he forgot how truly lucky he was to have Edward in his life - to have someone who loved him without question.
He missed what they had - their passion and freedom. But most of all he missed Edward. Perhaps he would be forgiven if he came home early and went hunting with him they could work through this…maybe Edward would love him in spite of being such a fool.
. . .
Even over the dull roar of the Ford and the booming thunder in the sky Carlisle could tell something was wrong. The house was dark and silent; there was no shuffling or music to be heard within the walls.
This feeling of …dread…had been building all day. It had started out as something easily swept away in the hectic pace of his rounds, but had steadily grown to the point he couldn’t push it away any longer. It had grown into an ache where his heart should have been; something was wrong and he already knew what it was. Perhaps he was already too late.
Sprinting to the house and calling for Edward, he was greeted with silence and the sound of the pouring rain. Holding onto a shadow of hope that perhaps the boy had just gone hunting again, he slowly made his way into the house as he dripped water on the floor.
The house was silent save for the ticking of the antique grandfather clock in the corner.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
A letter sat on top of the piano.
One simple letter, folded in half with his initial on it seemed so innocuous, so benign.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Hands shaking, Carlisle carefully opened it up, Edward’s perfect letters flowing neatly across the page.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Carlisle –
I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to hurt you…I am sorry I was not enough.
I love you more than you will ever know. You should have a chance at your dreams. Know that you will forever be in my
heart…
Edward
Carlisle dropped to his knees, crumpling the paper in his hands, his eyes shut tight.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Throwing the letter to the ground, he raced out of the door into the rain, searching for Edward’s sweet scent.
. . .
How many hours had he raced through the forest looking for a sign? A whiff, something…anything – but the rain had washed it all away. Carlisle had thought he had more time - more time to find himself again, more time to come to terms with Edward, more time to make things right again. And now he had run out of time without even knowing it. He had lost the one thing that had made his existence worthwhile for the sake of his own stubbornness.
Carlisle ran for miles in every direction, calling out hundreds of time in his mind. There was nothing anymore, only the silent sounds of the forest and his own empty thoughts. Had it been worth it?
At some point he found himself back at the house – their house – now silent except for the ticking of the clock and the steady drip of rain; only a faint lingering of Edward’s scent remained among the dust and dirt. Silently, without thought or reason Carlisle wandered to every room – hoping for a clue, a sign, something – that Edward was sill there and he was not alone once again. Wandering to the bedroom where Edward’s sweet scene was strongest, he threw himself down on the bed and buried his face in the pillow and for the first time in his long existence wished for sleep – sleep deep enough to forget it all, to forget the hollow nagging in his chest, to forget it all. But sleep never came.
Carlisle wondered if it were possible for a vampire to die of loneliness and regret. Their relationship had happened so fast, a flash of brilliant love with bronze hair and beautiful eyes that made him forget everything – who he was, what he was, and what he tried to be. Yet now the brilliance had died and he was forever changed, unable to handle the flash of love – too many years spent alone had set him in his ways. The desire to settle in one place, his need for distance was too deeply ingrained in him.
He thought about the letter again. Edward had been wrong – he was not the one lacking, Carlisle was. He couldn’t hang on to this brilliant and beautiful creature because he was a fool, and now he has lost him for good.
The sun had risen and set again and Carlisle was still on the bed with his face in the pillows when the distant sound of a wailing siren wafted across his senses.
Minutes later he stood at the edge of the forest and listened to the ambulance grew louder. With one last sniff of the forest and mental call, he turned and began to make his way to the hospital.
. . .
It was four months to the day when Edward came back.
Carlisle was hunting in the deep forest north of their home when the faint acidic sweetness of Edward floated on the wind. Golden eyes scanned the forest, searching and hoping…there across the clearing, stood Edward as lanky as always, but dirty and disheveled and looking miserable.
A moment, a second, an eternity passed between them in that brief instant and without a thought each sprinted to the other, meeting in the middle.
Each stopped and waited…not touching, always hesitating. Edward finally broke the silence. “I…I’m sorry Carlisle…please forgive me,” he said, barely a whisper.
Carlisle reached out and pulled him into a hug, running a hand through soft bronze hair and down along the side of his cheek. “Edward…I was so worried about you. Please don’t apologize – this mess was all my doing…you owe me no apologies,” he said.
Edward held on tighter, afraid to let go, afraid this moment would end and that Carlisle would push him away again. He buried his face into Carlisle’s chest. “I’m so sorry…I was a fool. I’ll change, I’ll stay out of your mind, and you can work wherever you want I won’t say anything about it anymore, just please... I let you down, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to you” he said, pulling up to look into golden eyes – Carlisle’s eyes, the eyes he had missed so much, dreamed of, and came back for. He couldn’t stay away from him.
He had tried, but no matter how far he went or how hard he ran, Edward could never escape the memory of those eyes and soft blonde hair. It was slowly killing him to stay away, and now he would do whatever it took to stay by his side – he wouldn’t say a word to whatever Carlisle wanted – as long as they were together.
“Please,” Edward begged, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Carlisle’s, feeling the pinpricks of phantom tears. Edward took a deep breath, wanting more of his sweet scent.
That’s Edward smelled her on him.
Pulling back with a start, he searched Carlisle’s eyes. They were pained and wary, and an image of her face – Esme, the girl from so long ago - floated across his mind. Only this time she was not a memory of a human girl. She was a vampire.
“Edward… I’m…sorry,” Carlisle thought, his eyes blinking, unable to look him in the eye.
Edward choked and pushed Carlisle away. “You…when?” he said. There was plenty more he should say, but there were no words to come.
Carlisle shut his eyes and drew in a deep breath. “Two months ago,” he said quietly. “She was dying, and I thought you had left me forever,” he said in a whisper. “I couldn’t face being alone again, and I couldn’t face watching her die before my eyes. I was…afraid.”
Seconds passed as they stood face to face. Carlisle had apparently moved on, so very good at forgetting him without a second thought – and Edward felt the fool for thinking he would have been missed.
The breeze ruffled through the trees and Edward snapped his head up. She was there behind the trees, peering out at him with faded red eyes.
- 7
- 8
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Bittersweet Hurt