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All That I Am	By : kitten7315 Category: Anita Blake > Het Views: 5396 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Anita Blake series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter 9

Huge surges of power coming in our direction violently awakened me out of my well-deserved rest. I bolted out of the bed and reached for my Browning and had it pointed at the door before I even fully opened my eyes. “Damn, I’m getting faster,” I thought as my sleep fog dissipated quickly. I felt Jean-Claude move off the bed and reach for his robe.

“It is Richard, ma petite, and he is not in the best of moods.”

“What else is new?” I said sarcastically. I am glad Jean-Claude’s senses picked up that it was Richard before I just shot first and asked questions later. I lowered the gun, but kept it in my hand. Me paranoid?

“It’s good to see you up and about already,” I told Jean-Claude, as I reached for some jeans to throw on before Richard arrived.

“I rested for awhile and then watched you sleep. I always love watching you sleep,” he said smiling at me. “Jason is also coming, so I can feed. Let us meet our third in the living room and find out why he is so upset.” Jean-Claude sighed and shook his head slightly. I am beginning to think Jean-Claude is actually starting to loose patience with Richard.

I chuckled to myself, thinking about how Jean-Claude has had to deal with both Richard and I coming to terms with who we are. What he does not seem to understand is that he had over 400 years to come to terms with himself. The few years that it took me are pretty damn good in my book! Unfortunately, Richard was still searching and analyzing how he could change the nature of his beast. No matter how many times his beast stared back at him, he still looked at it as though it was a mirage, and that it would go away if he could only ignore it.

Looking back, I am grateful that, at times, I was forced to either accept who I was or else I, or someone close to me, would have gotten hurt or killed. Times like those cause you to fight for survival and I like living…well, if you can count my life as living. Being Nimir-Ra of the Blood Drinkers Pard, I have had to face beasts of different shapes and sizes. I have learned that the beast is a integral part of all shifters. I have had to learn to accept that in my pard, because I think of them as family. So I am learning what I can, because if I can’t be at peace with their beasts, how can I help them be at peace with themselves? I never said my life was a simple one.

I made my way into the living room and had just sat down on one of the couches as Richard came bursting through the door. My hand gripped the butt of the Browning tighter as I saw the fury on Richard’s face. There wasn’t any tightening in my chest as I looked at him. Coming to terms with how I felt about Richard, yesterday, most definitely had an impact on my hormones. Don’t get me wrong. I still find him sexy and primal, but I felt no stirrings inside of me like I normally do. Guess me not being confused any more helps. Life is looking good. Now if I can just find out what the hell he’s pissed about now.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” Richard yelled. He was standing there, his eyes bled amber. He was breathing heavily, as though he was barely containing his wrath.

“I suppose you are talking about me taking the fourth mark?” I said calmly. I tried not to escalate the situation further. I had enough shit on my plate to deal with, and Richard’s drama was not one of them.

“Why? I thought you didn’t want it? I thought you weren’t comfortable with the monster you were becoming? Or is it that you *like* the monster you were becoming?” he said snidely.

I felt my anger building. Damn, what was it? Oh yeah, that’s it. Count to 10 and take deep breaths. Inhale…..exhale…..1…..

“Fuck you, Richard!” I exploded. “I took the fourth mark because I wanted to be with Jean-Claude for as long as he lives, not because of the monster I was becoming … or am! What business is it of yours? This is personal between Jean-Claude and I. This has nothing to do with you personally. With that said, what the fuck are you doing here?” I felt my eyes grow cold as I sunk into my quiet place, my dead killing zone. Damn, so much for the counting. Let’s see if I can start the count over.

Richard shuddered and took deep breaths. He stalked over to the sofa across from me and dropped down onto it.

“I’m sorry,” he said running his hand through his hair, forgetting for a moment how short it was. “I just thought we would rebuild our relationship…..I guess I was hoping…that…we would possibly start over, but with new insights on the changes in each other. I thought I might have another chance.”

I felt my anger slipping away from me at this statement. “I can’t do that anymore, Richard. We can begin to rebuild our friendship, I would love that, but as far as anything more…I just don’t want that anymore…. I came to terms with my love of Jean-Claude, how he makes me feel, and how he completes me. We are too different, Richard. We would never survive in any sort of romantic relationship.”

“I guess I am always too late when it comes to us, aren’t I?” Shaking his head with a sigh, “When I felt the surge of power burst through the marks, yesterday, I somehow knew, deep down inside, that you had taken the fourth mark. I guess I kept hoping I would be wrong, that I still had a chance to make it right between us….”

“You can make it right…our friendship…our relationship within the lukoi. If you need my help all you have to do is ask. My taking the fourth mark does not mean the end of us altogether. We need to work on our friendship because we are tied together in a triumvirate of power, and we do not need a weak link in it. I know that this won’t happen overnight, but we can always start the process and continue to work on strengthening it a day at a time. I’m not perfect Richard, but I am willing to try if you are.”

I looked at him hoping…willing him to want to take these steps with me. I don’t think I could handle loosing Richard completely. I may not be in love with him anymore, but I do love him and care what may happen to him.

Richard rubbed his hands over his face and looked back up at me. When he looked at me he looked extremely weary and beaten. My heart felt for him at that moment, because I knew how he felt. When I came to the same realization myself, I then realized how draining all those emotions were on me.

“I guess I have always known deep down inside that I would have to let you go. I just didn’t want to face it. Who am I kidding?” he laughed softly. “I am always not facing something, but I am trying. I may not be facing things the right way, but I am facing them. It gets to be so overwhelming sometimes, things are constantly changing and happening at such a rapid pace, … sometimes it is hard to keep up with it all. I can only handle so much. You are right about one thing, I need to learn to ask for help.”

“Don’t worry. I am learning the same thing myself,” I confessed. I told him of all the events that unfolded yesterday.

“At least you have a heads up this time. Normally, we don’t know of any danger until it is actually on our front door step.”

“You said ‘we’. I don’t want you to think I told you this just so you can lend me some wolves or something like that. I just wanted you to be aware of what was going on. I know you were upset with me when I asked for some wolves to track Van Anders.”

“I said ‘we’ because I recently began to realize that what effects you does effect me, and in turn ends up effecting my wolves. Thank you for making me aware of the situation. I will have some of the wolves keep an eye out for any new shifters in the area. I would like you to keep me updated.”

I was shocked at what he just said, but realized that he was trying to make the first steps onto the friendship road that we were trying to pave. Taking the olive branch, “I will do that. Thank you, Richard. That means a lot to me,” I replied.

“Bon! You two have made nice and are making progress on getting along better,” Jean-Claude said, stepping into the room. I had a sneaking suspicion that he stayed out of the room so Richard and I could talk.

Richard got up and started towards the door. He looked back at Jean-Claude and I with a look of acceptance. “I need to go. I will spread the word around the lukoi about any new shifters, especially leopards. Good luck in dealing with Elizabeth. Call me later and let me know if anything new develops.”

With that Richard walked out the door and it closed softly behind him.

Sitting next to me on the sofa Jean-Claude turned and placed his hand on my cheek gently. “Are you alright, ma petite?” he asks searching my face with a concerned look in his eyes.

“Yes, I am just shocked at how that conversation went.” I smiled sadly at him. “That chapter is well and truly closed.”

“Ahh…but a new one has begun. Now that is something to look forward to. You only have to worry when a chapter closes and not another begins.”

“I never thought of it that way,” I said. Frowning, “We kept you from feeding. I am sorry, Jean-Claude, I know you must be wanting your dinner,” I told him laughing.

“Oui, I told Jason to hold off until I called him again. He is on his way as we speak. While I feed will you be calling Micah?”

“Yeah. I will get him to come by here, plus I still need to decide what to do with Elizabeth.”

“Don’t forget that your pard will want her blood as well. They care for you a great deal. They will want to have some say in what happens to her.”

“You’re right. We will all talk about it after we hear what Micah has to say. Will you be in there with us?”

“If you wish it, then I will be there with you, ma petite. Now go and make your call. We have much to do and plan today.”

Jean-Claude kissed me gently on my lips. I love kissing this man!

“Oh! By the way…I just love how messy your hair looks when you wake up from sleeping like a normal person,” I smirked and ran laughing into the bedroom, leaving a Jean-Claude sitting on the sofa with a shocked expression on his face. It’s good to know that he is not always so elegant. Sometimes life is good.

I hope this day does not turn into one of my typical ones. So much for my day off.
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All That I Am