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Polar Night	By : belladonnacullen Category: Twilight Series > AU/AR > Het > Het Views: 8234 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
I woke up just as the sun was slanting all pink and red through the bedroom window. My heart immediately stuttered in my chest. Edward was topless and wound around me, his body pressed against my back, his arm tight around my chest; even his leg was draped over mine. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. After our long talk last night, I knew he wanted me, I knew how much. That was something. To have him this close, that was something too. And the feeling of having Edward wrapped around me had changed; it was now a physical representation of how I felt: wonderfully, happily bound, forever. Something more than love.

And because I knew we both felt this way about one another, I also knew he would change me. There was no question. Even better, I knew he wanted to do it.

And then we could have sex again. With that thought, a dark cloud edged in on a corner of my bliss.

I turned the thought over in my mind and tried it out again. I could have sex with my husband once I was also a vampire. No. It still didn’t sit right and left a bitter taste in my mouth besides. And somehow I’d ended up in the exact position I’d tried to avoid last night, despite my best intentions: partially clothed and just cuddling with my husband. I guess I’d proven that I was definitely incapable of setting boundaries, even when I tried with all my might.

A little voice whispered in the back of my brain. But he hurts, he just doesn’t trust himself, he wants you, a lot. He wanted me, almost always. Isn’t that what he said? Edward began lightly stroking my cheek and he shifted his weight against me. He almost always wanted me. At least he wasn’t hiding it like he used to.

“Morning,” Edward whispered in my ear. I shivered, as much from his frozen breath as the way his voice affected me. Just his voice made me want him all over again. More than before, now that I knew what I was missing. I wanted to hear him say my name like he did the other night: all rushed and low and rumbling, his cool breath against my ear. The word ‘mine’ reverberated in my mind and my body shuddered involuntarily. I buried my face in the pillow, aroused, embarrassed. All Edward had said was ‘morning.’

Edward chuckled a little under his breath, nervously, I thought. “Or should I say evening?” he whispered, brushing my hair behind my ear.

“I slept all day?” I asked with my voice muffled by the pillow I was still hiding my face in.

“I did keep you up all night,” Edward replied.

An awkward silence fell over the room. Those words from his lips, the way he was pressed firmly against my back, so hard, so cold. It didn’t matter that all we did was talk and hold each other all night. Or maybe it made this moment and his words even more intense. I don’t know. But I desperately fought the urge to turn over and throw myself at Edward. I could see what I would do quite clearly in my mind: my lips against his, my hands going for the top button of his khakis. Yes, his pants.

“What are you thinking, love?” Edward’s voice was a low rumble in my ear. He was holding me tighter all of the sudden.

… And when I had his pants undone, then I’d hold him, so cold in my hand, and try to make him growl.

“Do you really want to know?” I asked, biting my bottom lip.

“I think I have an idea.” And before I even noticed I’d been moved, I was facing Edward, his eyes flickering and intense, less than a centimeter from mine. I gasped and then Edward’s lips were on mine, hard, darting his tongue into my mouth, his hands winding themselves in my hair, his erection was rubbing against my abdomen, his chest was vibrating. It was so much, so fast, so intense, I almost came right then and there. But then Edward was on the other side of the bed, breathing heavily, looking like he’d seen a ghost.

“Yep,” I gasped. “You got it right.” The bed was still cold where he’d been laying and I let my body roll into the dent he’d left in the mattress.

Edward nodded his head and looked away, running his hand through his hair. “I thought so,” he replied humorlessly.

“So what now?” I asked, still struggling for air. My question was sincere. What the heck were we supposed to do now?

“Is there anything else you would like to do?” Edward asked, hazarding a glance in my direction.

Anything else? Not really. Anything else? My mind struggled to keep from thoughts of Edward naked and on top of me, inside of me. Anything else. Come on, Bella! You’re on a tropical island. Tropical fruit, tropical flowers, tropical… water. Warm, crystal clear water… “Maybe a swim?”

Edward shot me a wary look.

“Just a swim. It doesn’t have to be like the other night. I mean, we never really got to swim.”

“Of course. Sorry,” Edward mumbled. I watched him try to collect himself, and within seconds his face beamed with positivity, a small smile playing at his lips. Then he was standing across the room, a white T-shirt shirt suddenly hiding his torso. I tried to tell myself he wasn’t rejecting me. He wasn’t lying to me. He wasn’t pretending, like I’d assumed yesterday. Or was he? I sighed. Why were things always so complicated with us? It should have been easy.

“Edward?”

He smiled reassuringly in my direction, but his eyes were flat and had lost their glitter. Yes, when I looked really closely his eyes almost always gave him away.

“Umm, you know, it’s okay if you let me see, how this… is difficult for you. It’s weird to know you feel one way, but then you don’t show it.”

“You’d prefer me to mope through your honeymoon?” he asked, raising his eyebrows in question.

“Our honeymoon,” I corrected. Edward smiled a little more at that. A smile that I could see was genuine.

“And, well, no. It’s not all miserable, is it? Just, I don’t mind that there are hard parts. No, that’s wrong. I do mind that… a lot. But it would feel better if I didn’t feel like the emotionally unstable one in this… marriage, like I’m the only one let down by it. And it would feel better if I didn’t wonder when you were pretending to be happy, and when you weren’t.”

Edward was silent for a few minutes, a far away look in his eyes. He turned to me, and his eyes begged me to understand him. “That’s difficult for me, Bella. My mind doesn’t work the same as a human’s. It’s difficult to focus on one emotion and let it show on my face. Perhaps that’s why I tend to show no expression at all when I’m most relaxed. I don’t want to say that I’m always disappointed in how this turned out, that wouldn’t be accurate. Because I’m likewise always amazed by the incredible good fortune I’ve had in finding you, and you loving me back, in the fact that against all odds, I’m married to you, and that we’ll never be separated for the rest of my existence.”

With those words, Edward’s eyes grew brighter and more intense, all while his facial features softened and the corners of his mouth turned up into more of a real smile. “A few weeks without intercourse is painful, and difficult, and after the other night, it’s nearly all I can think of. So the disappointment in not being with you is very real, and always present.”

Faster than humanly possible, Edward was by my side, his head bending so that his eyes looked directly into mine. “I feel the loss of our intimacy constantly, Bella. But it would be unfair to the both of us, to let that one little emotion be the only one you saw, when all the others: love, happiness, fulfillment, gratitude, are just as important.” His voice ended in a whisper, his lips so close to mine, his cool, fragrant breath washing over my face.

“Okay,” I managed with a little more enthusiasm, my heart trying to pound a hole through my chest. “Thanks for explaining it like that.” I reached my hand out to touch Edward’s fingertips. It was almost like an electric shock passed from him to me and we both jumped.

I heard Edward’s sharp intake of air, and he looked at me with hot, glowing yellow eyes. I shuddered as he lightly grasped my hand, a cold burn working its way up my arm and through the rest of my body. “You’re right. I shouldn’t be scared to show you how I feel.” His eyes glowed with an intense light, like fire, like the sun, like, like… like they would consume me. Like he wanted to consume me. Is this how he felt? Always. Oh my god.

Edward dropped my hand, and the intensity dissipated just slightly. But at least I was able to breathe. Edward was standing in the doorway again, quicker than was humanly possible. He was moving that way more and more lately, letting his guard down a little more, maybe. Being the vampire I loved. Baby steps.

But as I glanced at Edward standing in the doorway, something seemed off. The door! It was literally off: off its hinges. “Wait, what happened to the door?” I asked, incredulous.

“You said not to break it down. You didn’t mentioned taking it off its hinges,” Edward smirked.

“I’ll remember to be more specific in the future,” I joked back. And with those words, the forever stretched before me, something I couldn’t imagine, really. I could only look forward to it with faith.

“Let me make you something to eat while you change. You must be starving, living on eggs and fruit,” Edward offered.

“Thanks, that would be nice.”

*****

I already knew what was facing me in the bathing suit department. Alice hadn’t packed anything like my black one piece from home. I made a mental note to try taking back just a little control over my wardrobe once Edward and I were back. But until then, I had five very small bikinis to choose from. After a minor anxiety attack, I decided on a chocolate brown knit string bikini with raspberry piping along the seams. It matched my eyes, it covered most of my butt, and it almost made the bruising lighter if you looked at me in the right light and from the right angle. But, well, aside from the times I hadn’t worn anything at all, it was the skimpiest thing I’d ever worn in Edward’s presence.

Oh well.

I strolled into the kitchen trying my best at nonchalance. I enjoyed the look on Edward’s face when he turned around. “All Alice’s fault,” I said in my defense.

“I’ll try not to hold it against her,” he managed, his eyes focusing on my face with some difficulty. I grinned a little, actually pleased, and moved to sit in a chair. Edward followed my every move. I smiled wider and sat straighter, crossing my legs, uncrossing them. I thought I heard a low growl, but it could have been just hope on my part. Suddenly pancakes and bacon were on a plate in front of me, a bowl of fresh cut pineapple on the side. Edward slid into the chair across the table, studying me intently.

His eyes were burning brighter than they’d been in the bedroom, if it were possible. “Should I cover up? Would you prefer that?” I asked.

“You asked that I be honest with you. Honestly, no. Would you prefer a pleasant smile?”

I gulped, the spot between my legs ached. “No,” I breathed. As I tentatively bit into a piece of pineapple, I noticed that Edward wasn’t breathing. A nervous giggle erupted from somewhere deep in my throat. “So, umm, a few weeks until my birthday,” I said weakly. A few weeks. A few weeks. This was insanity. We couldn’t wait a few weeks.

“Twenty-eight days,” Edward rasped, his golden eyes piercing into mine. It seemed to take some effort for Edward to turn his head to look out the glass wall. “Quite a lovely evening for a swim.” Edward’s voice was rough, and each word was clipped and hard. His hand was clutched in a tight fist at his side.

“I can’t wait,” I answered quietly. I could have been referring to the swim, but I wasn’t.

*****

After all the intensity and close quarters in the house, it was actually a lot of fun to relax in the warm water of the small bay behind the house, where waves were just about as scary as the ones in my bathtub. Nothing like off the coast of Forks, thank goodness. The slanting sunlight glanced off the water, coloring the late afternoon sky dusky pink, and turning the water silver and crimson. Edward kept a more than respectful distance. I knew how he felt, I think. I tried not to concentrate on my beautiful, muscular, soaking wet and nearly naked husband.

I enjoyed the look of shock on Edward’s face as I dove into the water and swam straight for the horizon. Thanks to Renee’s fear of drowning, oddly shared by many desert parents, I’d had swimming lessons at the public pool since I could walk. Of course, Edward effortlessly caught up with me and pointed us in the direction of the nearest coral reef, a snorkel and fins slung over his shoulder.

Snorkeling was nice; the reef was pretty in all its white, pale yellow and sky blue beauty. Of course, the fish darted for cover whenever Edward came near. I caught a hint of orange and black before it disappeared in the coral, and managed to glimpse a neon yellow fin every now and then.

After that, Edward led me further down the shore to a small cove, where a little river cascaded into the ocean. The fresh water crashed over stones, bubbling and frothing where it hit the seawater. The water was really deep, even close to the shore, and Edward guided me to a spot where I could finally stand. I was grateful. I was pretty exhausted, in a good, natural, non-jet-lagged kind of way. Finally, maybe I’d start to act more normal, like sleeping at night.

“Stay here, for a moment, Bella,” Edward called as he moved toward the beach.

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll be on the shore.”

“Why?”

“It’s a surprise,” he smiled. “Just stay still and calm.”

“Calm doesn’t work like that, Edward. It’s like saying ‘don’t think about purple monkeys.’”

“So human,” Edward said rolling his eyes in mock frustration.

“And you, Mr. vampire, what if I told you to calm down and not think about penguins in pink tutus?”

“I’d dispassionately ask you to remind me what it was I shouldn’t be thinking of,” he smirked. I rolled my eyes. By this time Edward was sitting on the sand, leaning back on his hands, the sunlight reflecting off of him, and scattering prisms of light on the surface of the water, over my skin.

“I don’t buy it. You know your brain is screaming out ‘penguins in pink tutus!’”

“Shh,” he whispered, and motioned for me to turn slowly around.

There was something black or dark gray moving at the mouth of the cove. I was suddenly very scared. They were fins. Sharks? “Edward, I think you need to get in here, now.” I nearly turned around to make a break for it. But then I heard a low clicking and a muffled high-pitched squawk. The fins drifted purposefully closer. Dolphins!

“Edward, do you see --”

“Shh. Stay quiet. Let them come to you.”

The dolphins swam steadily nearer, passing closer and closer, then swimming back to the mouth of the inlet, and back again. Then finally, one of the larger dolphins jumped into the air, catching the scattered rays of sunlight from Edward’s skin, and falling back in the water with an enormous splash. One jump was all it took; after that it was like an instant dolphin party. They jumped alone, in pairs, twirling, flipping, and dancing in the rays of sparkling sunshine reflected off of Edward. They were giddy, and brushed their soft and slippery skin against me, squealing with obvious delight as they raced around the little cove. I dipped underneath the water and they swam shoulder to shoulder with me, until they surged towards the surface to throw themselves into the air again. When they came crashing back under the water they screeched in celebration.

As quickly as it had stared, it was over. Without warning the dolphins darted out to sea, their clicks and calls fading in the distance. I spun around, looking for Edward on the shore. He was no longer sparkling as much, now that the sun was hovering at the horizon. “Did you see that?” I asked stupidly. Obviously, he’d been right there the whole time.

Edward smiled back at me, a little sadly I thought. Well, I told him not to keep his emotions to himself. I sighed and quickly made my way to the shore.

“Thank you. That was just amazing. How did you know we’d find them here?”

“Something Esme and Carlisle observed over the years. The pod passes by the cove on their way to out sea for the night. My parents noticed that the dolphins were attracted to the reflected light, as long as we remain on the shore, of course.”

I sat next to Edward on the sand, as close as I dared. We were almost touching.

“Will you mind sitting on the shore next time?” Edward asked under his breath.

“My husband or a pod of fish? Hmmm. I’ll go with the fish,” I giggled.

“I’m serious, Bella. And they’re mammals.”

I tried to catch Edward’s eyes, but he was studying the sand at his feet. “I’m sorry, but that’s truly a ridiculous question. I couldn’t stay human now, Edward. After… everything, we’re together forever now, right?”

“Yes,” he smiled at the sand, letting his fingers trail over mine.

“Then suck it up, Edward. I’m going to be with you forever. Just deal with it.” I know immortality wasn’t the kind of thing Edward joked about, but well, things had been so heavy around here the past couple of days. I reached my hands around to the back of his thighs and tickled the spot I’d found, when was it, just a week ago? It was amazing how much could change in a week. I saw Edward immediately go tense all over and dig his hands into the sand as his deep laugh vibrated through the thick tropical air.

When I saw how hard he was working to stay still, I stopped tickling. “You’re trying not to hurt me, aren’t you?”

“Just wait for immortality, Isabella. I won’t hold back,” Edward smiled, his eyes finally gleaming again.

“Oh yeah?” I challenged.

Suddenly I was on my back, on the sand. Warm waves were lapping at my feet. Edward was braced above me, his face centimeters from mine, his bronze hair just barely tickling my forehead, his instantaneous erection pressed between my legs. “Oh yeah, Isabella. Just wait,” he growled, his lips brushing mine.

He was sitting at my side before I could blink my eyes, and I was left gasping for air.

*****

Could a vampire’s day pass in a haze? Because mine certainly seemed to. A haze of desire, overlapped with physical need, and dawning intimacy and honesty. I remembered each second distinctly, but never before had I felt quite as much like I was swimming in a pool of raw emotion.

I let Bella guide me. It was the only way. How was her every suggestion the right one? I’d existed on the earth for almost eighty years more than she’d been alive, but her impulses were proving right over and over again.

Something as simple as letting her know what I was feeling. While this was difficult, I was often feeling more than ten things at once; I had made a practice of hiding my most dominant emotion from Bella. I’d told myself it was to protect her. But, I realized with some chagrin, that I’d been protecting myself as well. From the beginning I’d feared rejection. I was scared that I’d frighten her with the intensity of my emotions. Vampire’s feelings were so much more profound than human’s: exquisite, quickly changing, often overlapping one atop another. It would overwhelm most humans.

But my wife was not like most humans. And if I were to believe her, the intense way that I desired her attracted her to me even more. So I practiced letting go today, something I’d nearly never done, ever. I let the emotions swim towards to surface: desire, sadness, fear, desire, love, confidence… DESIRE. It was disarming and freeing and fun and awful all at once. I wondered if it was closer to the way humans felt, pulled by the tide of uncontrollable spirit. How did they manage?

And how would I? By allowing myself this openness, allowing my desire to show through so completely, it was even more difficult to keep myself from Bella.

The sun was clinging to the horizon, red flames lapping at the dark blue water’s edge, as Bella and I made our way silently back to the beach house at human speed. Thankfully, this silence was different that yesterday’s. It was silence laced with understanding. We had no more need to agonize with one another about how we felt; we knew. We’d talked about it all night. And at Bella’s request, I stopped trying to mask it from her. And truthfully, I didn’t think it would have been possible to hide one another’s desire, because Bella and I were desire incarnate. It took the barest touch of my skin against Bella’s for my body to feel consumed and out of control.

We walked up the beach toward the sliding glass doors of the white room. Bella paused on the little wooden deck, turning toward the sunset, leaning against the railing. She took a deep breath of salty ocean air.

“It’s so pretty. It’s a shame I missed so much of the day.”

“I could wake you early tomorrow,” I offered.

Bella sighed and clenched her jaw. “Sure. Why not?” she asked, a bit of hopelessness in her voice. “We could check out the tide pools, or those caves you mentioned,” she said half-heartedly as she glanced up at me, looking for my approval of her plan.

“Bella, don’t feign interest in tide pools for me.”

She smiled a little. The red and slanting rays of the sun brought out the auburn highlights in Bella’s hair, and made her eyes flicker from brown to crimson. A vision of Bella as a newborn shot through my mind: her thick lustrous hair tumbling down her back, and her jeweled skin shattering the sun’s rays as she turned her bright red eyes on me. Twenty-eight days. A little less than two and a half million beats left in her heart.

“Edward, I’ve always loved tide pools,” Bella replied, bringing me out of my trance. “It’s strange, but totally true. But they do seem completely silly and insignificant compared to other things I’d like to… to --” Bella turned to look into the sun. “Other things I’d like to do to you,” she ended in a hushed, yet determined voice. Her cheeks grew the same scarlet as the setting sun.

I gripped the railing in my hands and heard the wood cracking. I quickly let go before I managed to ruin Esme’s deck as well as her bedding and bedroom door. I couldn’t think of an appropriate response.

“Are you hungry?” It was the best I could come up with.

“I could eat a horse. All that swimming, I guess. I can cook for myself, though. I don’t mind. Something big and easy, and then maybe we could watch a movie or something?”

“Let me help, at least. It seems wrong to watch you prepare your own food on your honeymoon.”

“You don’t have to watch. You could do something else,” Bella offered.

“I wouldn’t want to,” I said a bit too vehemently.

I watched Bella hesitate, taken aback. She’d asked for honesty. Vampire honesty. I didn’t want to miss a second of her. Her life was beating toward the end, and I treasured every movement, every heartbeat, every breath, every blush. And I wanted her in front of me as a reminder that she was still human, breakable, still off limits. And I wanted her for other reasons, of course.

“All right, then,” Bella conceded, seeming a bit nervous. “We can cook together.” She looked down at herself. “But not like this. I’ve got to at least rinse off, and put on some clothes.

Another shower. She was going to have to shower, I silently reprimanded myself. I’d best get used to it. Nevertheless, I blinked hard, clenching my eyelids. When I opened them, Bella was turned toward the edge of the deck where there was an old-fashioned outdoor shower.

“Oh,” we both breathed in unison.

“Come on, Edward,” Bella said in a small voice, without looking away from the showerhead. She reached back and grabbed my hand and flames seemed to sear through my vampire flesh. Bella must have felt it too and let my hand drop almost immediately.

“Edward,” she looked back at me with exaggerated puppy-dog eyes, “please? I know you want to.”

She turned and took a few steps toward the shower area, but I beat her there. Bella jumped a little seeing me suddenly in front of her, but she quickly recovered with a coy smile. Her hand went to untie her bikini top, her heavy-lidded eyes never leaving mine.

My hand was immediately over hers. Fire traveled from the point of our touch to my every extremity. “Suits on. Please.”

Bella dropped her hand to her side. “Fine. Suits on,” she agreed begrudgingly.

Was I really about to do this? Of course I was. I was being ridiculous, worrying about standing under a stream of water with my wife. Quickly, so I had no time to give the matter another thought, I turned on the water. It sprayed over the two of us hard, and ice cold.

“Ah!” Bella jumped out from underneath the spray.

I quickly turned the water off and was to the house and back with a large towel.

“No, it’s okay. Just shocking.” Bella turned the water back on and eased herself back underneath the flow. I tried not to watch her nipples harden under the stream of cold water. Instead, I watched the water pelt her hair, turning it black and silver in the fading light. And I followed the stream as it cascaded down her neck, over her shoulders, along the upward rise of her breasts, then down their supple curve to the small crease where her breasts met her torso, over her flat stomach, into her navel -

“Ahhh,” Bella sighed, and I wrenched my eyes back to her face. Bella’s eyes were closed, her head lifted to meet the spray, hands running through her hair, her back arched, and her scent… tinged with excitement. She relaxed under the freezing spray, her blood pounding, her body pressing closer to the showerhead. It was inhuman, almost. Didn’t humans loathe freezing water? Bella hated the cold.

Bella opened her eyes and caught me staring at her. I looked away.

“Edward, in the four minutes since I proposed this shower you’ve looked scared, excited, disapproving, excited, apologetic, excited, and now confused.”

“You said not to hide my emotions.”

“Right,” she said casting a quizzical glance in my direction. “I get the other emotions, but why confused?” Bella turned off the water. “And turn around please.”

“What?”

Bella spun her finger in a circle. “Turn around, husband, and then tell me why you were confused.”

I turned around, and no sooner was I facing the ocean, than I heard wet fabric hitting the deck. I closed my eyes tightly, my body vibrating with need. “You seemed to enjoy the cold water more than I would expect,” I managed to rasp.

“I’ve discovered hot showers aren’t as much to my liking these days,” Bella cooed, taking a small step in my direction. “Cold ones remind me of you. I’ve been taking a string of cold showers lately.” She was right behind me. I only had to turn around. I took a half step backwards as the same time I grasped the railing to try to hold my body in place. I cracked the wood this time.

My heart, if I had one, was caught somewhere in my throat, my body ached with need, my erection was impossibly harder, throbbing and cold and pressed against my abdomen. I heard the rustle of terry against skin and I finally turned to see Bella retreating into the house, and towel loosely wound around her body, her swimsuit lying out to dry.

Take her. Take her now.

I heard the dresser opening in the white room where our clothing was still stowed.

Just walk through the sliding glass doors.

There was only a loose towel and a pair of wet swim trunks in the way. I forced myself to turn back around and focus on the last silver glimmer of light as the sun disappeared over the water. But I couldn’t ignore the hard, even pounding of Bella’s heart. I listened to the sound of cotton slipping over skin.

Easily torn.

Footsteps padded in my direction.

“All safe, Edward.”

I turned to see Bella, annoyed and beautiful and still slightly damp, wearing a pair of tiny white shorts and a navy halter-top. Alice. I gritted my teeth.

“Thanks,” I managed through tight lips.

*****

Bella and I quickly prepared spaghetti and meatballs the easy way: a box of noodles, a jar of sauce and frozen meatballs. She wasn’t kidding about being hungry and ate two plates of food. I savored the experience of watching her eat almost as much as she seemed to savor the experience of actually eating. With my eyes on her, she was self-conscious and overly careful. It made me smile.

“Either I eat, or I go completely without food when I’m nervous. It’s one or the other,” Bella explained as we walked into the den. That certainly explained her recent eating pattern.

“So you’re nervous?” I asked.

“Not exactly. Tense, I guess.” I shook my head in agreement, looked out a window, dug my fingertips into my palms. Yes, incredibly tense. I understood.

“Very tense,” Bella mumbled, looking through the large selection of DVDs. “What do you do when you’re… tense?” Bella asked, taking a break to look at me seated on the brown leather couch.

I stared at her evenly. What was she asking? I chose to ignore any subtexts.

“I run. Or drive. It’s the only time I can almost let go. Something about the speed.”

“What do you think I’ll want to do? I don’t think I’ll cook. And I hope I won’t want to… eat more.”

“You will. We all do. You wouldn’t believe the release. I’d never felt anything like it until...” I chose not to finish the statement.

“Well then, that’s perfect! Problem solved. I’ll take all my tension out on you Edward,” Bella smiled playfully. “I’ll be allowed then.”

“Who says I’ll let you get tense in the first place?” I was suddenly standing by her side, my hands cradling her face, my eyes burning with need. I’d gone too far. I felt Bella’s knees go weak, and I wound my arm around her waist to keep her from falling. Bella reached out and grabbed the shelving for support.

“So, movie ideas?” I asked, changing the subject.

Bella glanced through the titles. Most were classics, black and white. I wondered how many she’d seen. I thought of all the thousands of movies we could watch together in the future. My top one hundred sorted itself out in my mind. I wanted to see everything again with Bella by my side, to see it through her eyes.

“Brazil?” she asked.

That certainly wasn’t the one I thought I start with. “Have you seen it? It’s not a documentary. Not exactly honeymoon-ish, if you ask me.”

She read the summary on the DVD case. “Uh, okay, maybe not. What about…” trailing her finger along the spines, “Blue Lagoon?” Bella smiled at me mischievously. “I’ve seen that one. Definitely honeymoon-ish. Renee wasn’t too happy about it, though. I was eight.”

“Out of the question,” I said looking away, chuckling, wondering who among my family had purchased that one.

“Is watching a young Brooke Shields too much for you? Or are you jealous of Christopher Atkins?” Bella grinned at me.

“Not quite, Bella.”

“Come on, Edward. There are too many. What do you want to watch, then?”

“How do you feel about Hitchcock?”

Bella made a face. “Like Psycho? I don’t think so.”

“I enjoy his movies. So much fear over such insignificant problems: birds, vertigo, mistaken identity.” I was across the room, lifting a DVD case out from the suspense section. “Here, this is perfect.” I held out a DVD case to her.

“Notorious? What’s that about?”

“Nazis in Brazil in the late forties. It’s a love story. One of Emmett’s favorites, actually.”

Bella smiled. “Because of the Nazis?”

“Sure, that’s what he’d say. But to this day, Rosalie refuses to acknowledge Ingrid Bergman ever existed. I’m afraid this movie has disappeared and mysteriously reappeared well over twenty times since we first bought the VHS tape.”

I knew from Emmett’s thoughts that his obsession with Notorious wasn’t necessarily because of Ingrid Bergman. Rosalie was needlessly jealous. Emmett was just a helpless sucker for a good love story. And one where they were out to catch Nazis, well, he was helpless to resist it, really. If only there were a bear in it at some point, we’d never pry him from the screen.

Two hours later, Bella was sniffling on the couch as Cary Grant confessed his secret love to a half-poisoned Ingrid Bergman, carrying him in her arms, away from her condemned Nazi husband. “That was amazing,” she sniffed. “Emmett’s got good taste.”

I smiled, amused and awed by her easy tears. I wished I could catch them in a bottle and preserve them. “Just don’t mention it while Rose is around,” I chuckled, and doing my best Cary Grant impression, I swept Bella into my arms and gave her a melodramatic tight-lipped kiss on the lips. Bella giggled and attempted Ingrid’s signature sultry-eyed pout. She was adorable, and I kissed her again spontaneously, seriously, harder. My feet seemed to move to the blue bedroom of their own volition.

“Edward?” Bella broke the kiss. “What are we doing?”

I stopped and lightly place her back on the ground. “I don’t know. You’re right. Sorry.”

Bella shook her head. “Sometimes I could kick myself, me and my big mouth,” she mumbled. She bit her bottom lip. “Listen, I’m not tired, but I should probably try to get my days and nights straight. Maybe I should get ready for bed. We could talk until I fall asleep. Okay?”

“Certainly. I’ll wait for you. Then we can… talk.”

*****

As I sat on the bed in the blue room, there was one thing on my mind. Somewhat of a feat for a vampire. I wanted to have sex with my wife. Badly. Constantly. Desperately. But I would not. I couldn’t hurt her. I couldn’t risk losing her. In twenty-eight days she’d be changed. I’d been on this earth for thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and eighty-one days, yet the next twenty-eight stretched before me like infinity, Purgatory, impossibility.

Twenty-eight days, such a short time. The length of Bella’s waning humanity. There was so much to talk about. We hadn’t discussed any of the specific details. Perhaps that’s what we could focus on this evening. It was something innocent and practical we could discuss to pass the time.

“Mm mm.” Bella cleared her throat and my eyes were instantly across the room, gazing at my wife.

My breath caught in my throat, and my instinct was to freeze, to shut down. But I quickly stopped myself, letting my desire make its way to my face. Bella blushed and looked down at her toes, polished red since the wedding. God, she was breathtaking. She wore a slim fitting, creamy silk negligee. I could clearly see the dark outline of her nipples and the dark hair of her sex through the filmy material. No lace, no ribbons, just silk accentuating her slender frame, her curves, brushing her thighs, barely covering her, thin straps I could so easily break…

“I’m staring, I’m sorry,” I murmured.

“You like it?” she asked without looking up.

“I like you. The negligee’s not bad.”

“Do you mind? Me wearing it, I mean?”

“Are you kidding?”

“I just figured, I mean… we are married. Even if we don’t act like it,” she said, biting her bottom lip.

“Yes, we’re married. I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“Thanks,” Bella smiled at her toes.

“Please, Bella. Come to bed.”

Her head shot up. She looked at me, her eyebrows raised.

“In just an hour, it will be twenty-seven days. We have a lot to discuss.”

I heard Bella’s heart begin to pound in her chest. She looked shocked, but not completely disappointed.

“You mean, about becoming a vampire?”

I didn’t understand her reaction. “Have you changed your mind? I thought it’s what you’ve wanted.”

“Of course it’s what I want. But we never really talk about it. You especially. I didn’t even know you wanted it until, I don’t know… the reception, maybe. No, not even then. When I heard you say forever in the water. Then I had an idea. After we made love, then I knew for sure.”

“It may be the most selfish impulse I’ve ever had, but I need you forever, Bella.”

Bella’s eyes glittered, her smile broadened and her teeth shone in the moonlight. “So, what should we talk about?” she asked as she settled herself next to me on the bed.

“First of all, when would you like to be changed, exactly?”

“It usually takes three days, right?” I nodded. “Four days before my birthday, then. I don’t want to be nineteen. I’m pretty sure that would make our marriage a crime in a few states.”

“I believe one hundred and five is well above the age of consent,” I murmured, attempting a wry joke. But the humor didn’t work and I sighed. It hurt a little to hear four days fall by the wayside. Twenty-four days left.

“What else?” Bella asked.

“Where,” I said, turning back to Bella, concentrating on her face. Letting the seriousness of the conversation distract me from my other desires. “Carlisle seems to think that the wolves may overlook changing you in Forks. He plans to meet with Billy and Sam when he returns.”

“When he returns? Where’s Carlisle?” Bella asked, confused.

“He’s taken Esme on a long-deserved… vacation.”

“Oh.”

“At any rate, he’s set for it to happen at the house, in his study.”

“No!” Bella clutched my arm and dug her nails into my skin. Sparks flew with her touch, my body quivered with need, my erection sprang to life. It was the wrong response. I was disgusted with myself and fought the urge to pull her hands off of me, to keep things from progressing, to keep me from feeling this way about her during this conversation. We were talking about taking Bella’s soul and subjecting her body to three days of gruesome pain. I shouldn’t mingle that with my desire for her, it seemed completely wrong. Bella’s eyes went wide as she read that in my face and she dropped her hands, looking them over. She must be thinking my disgust was for her.

“Sorry,” she mumbled. She’d misunderstood my reaction, as usual.

“No, I’m sorry. You’re too tempting, nearly naked, in bed.” I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes. I heard Bella’s ragged breathing calm, and I listened to her heart slowly regain its regular rhythm. “Why did you say no like that, Bella?”

“First of all, I can’t risk harming my family and friends. I’d be too close to people.”

“We would guard you. We wouldn’t let anything happen.”

“Like you guarded Esme and Emmett?” Bella challenged. Esme and Emmett each had slip-ups when they were new vampires. And that was being kind as far as Emmett was concerned. He couldn’t be considered newborn in 1949. Or in 1957. Or in ’63.

“We know better now,” I explained to Bella. “And we have Alice and Jasper. It would be seven against one.”

“I’d rather avoid that scenario, if you don’t mind. And I don’t want to risk your treaty with the wolves over me. Jake is… or was… my friend. I don’t want his family trying to kill my new family.”

“Do you have someplace in mind, then?”

“Don’t you have a house in Alaska? In the middle of nowhere?”

“Denali?” It was actually a good idea.

“I guess. I just don’t want to be in Forks. I’ll have to leave anyway. I can’t stay. So why not leave from the start? Do you think your family would come to Denali for me?”

“They’re your family now, Bella, and they would do anything for you.”

Up until recently I hadn’t known how true that statement actually was. Jasper volunteered to be tortured in the desert for a month, and Emmett and Rose pledged their lives to the Volturi if Bella wasn’t a vampire by the end of the year, all in exchange for Bella’s life. A trip to Alalska. It wouldn’t even register as significant.

Guilt nagged at the back of my mind. I knew I should tell Bella about what had happened with those three, what they had endured and promised. But not on the honeymoon. And if it were all over in twenty-four days, what was the point? I could tell her after she was changed, when the threat was over. Then I’d always know she changed because she wanted to, not to save Emmett and Rose, and she’d feel less guilty about what they had done for her, for me, for us.

“Edward, what is it? Do you think they’ll mind? Is Alaska a bad idea? Is it… is it Tanya?” Bella asked, confused by my silence.

“No. It’s actually a wonderful idea. Tanya’s family has often helped us in the past with new additions to the family.”

“Really? How?”

“That’s a long story. We should finish talking about you, about us, first.”

“Okay, but I want to hear about Tanya. Promise?”

“Certainly,” I agreed. I mentally added it to the growing list of things I was avoiding telling Bella about.

“Now, what else?” Bella asked eagerly. She was actually excited about the conversation. It was still difficult to know Bella so completely and intimately and accept that she had such a totally different view of immortality than I did. I kept waiting for her to change her mind, to realize…

“Edward?”

“There’s how,” I replied, forcing myself to rejoin the conversation.

“I didn’t know there was more than one way.”

“We’ve learned a lot since Carlisle changed me. With me, he only knew to replicate what happened when he was bitten. It made things much… harder than they needed to be.”

Bella reached her hand to touch my wrist in a gesture of sympathy, but she pulled her hand back at the last second. “Was it terrible?”

“Yes. Horrifying. I knew I was dying, I thought I was delirious. I’d been in and out of my own feverish mind for days, so I thought the transformation was the end, the worst of the illness. I fought against it with everything I had. And the voices in my head. I thought I was insane. The pain only intensified with time, until I thought I was being burned alive.”

My voice trailed off. I looked out the window at the dark night sky, sprinkled with stars. How could I agree to this? When I said I didn’t want to hurt Bella, this pain would be incomparable to anything else. It was going to tear me apart to see her writhing, screaming…

Bella touched my hand and then placed her fingertips gently on my cheek. I let her turn my face toward hers. “I want this, I want you. You’re worth it to me.”

“It doesn’t have to be quite as horrific for you, Bella. Carlisle changed things with Esme and Rose, and then he got an idea when he turned Emmett.”

“With Emmett? What?”

“Carlisle… well he… bit his heart,” I admitted.

“What?” Bella asked, incredulous, her eyes wide, amazed.

“His heart was exposed already. He needed to work quickly, so that Emmett’s heart would beat on its own again. At the end Carlisle and Rose were pumping blood through his heart with their hands. Carlisle decided biting the heart would be the quickest way to get the venom there. Emmett’s transformation was the quickest and the least painful out of all of us.”

“Carlisle wants you to bite my heart?” Bella whispered in disbelief.

“No! He’s designed a metal syringe, where I can place my venom and we can inject-”

“NO!” Bella’s voice was loud and firm.

“What?” I was surprised by her vehemence.

“No way,” she said, shaking her head, crossing her arms in front of her.

“This is no time to let your fear of needles --”

“I won’t do it that way. It has nothing to do with needles.”

“Bella, listen, you’re not being rational.” I reached out to grab her arm, hoping my touch would disarm her enough for some sense to bleed into her mind. She shook my hand off instead and got up off the bed.

“You listen to me, Edward. When I asked that it was your venom, I didn’t mean in a stainless steel tube. That’s gross. I want you. I want your lips on me, and I want to feel your teeth against me that last moment I’m human. I want you to be the last thing I remember. Your teeth, Edward.”

“But --”

“And I thought you’d said something about multiple bites, sealing in the venom, that would make it easier and quicker.”

“Yes, that would all be part of it,” I agreed.

“That part sounds fine to me. But I’m sorry. This is my transformation, and I say no sterile syringe.”

“Then at least there will be morphine to help with the pain,” I muttered out loud.

Bella paused. “Right… the morphine for pain.”

“What?” Did she object to morphine as well? This was insane.

Bella looked up at me, some struggle evident in the lines of her face. She clenched her jaw before turning to walk to the window. “Nothing,” she whispered.

I was off the bed in a human heartbeat, by her side. “Bella, what about the morphine.”

“I should have told you and Carlisle earlier. I don’t really think the morphine worked so well last time.” Her voice was barely a whisper. And her eyes reluctantly met mine, embarrassed.

“What!” I almost masked my anger, but then decided to honor Bella’s policy about honesty.

I saw a flash of fear in her eyes and she took a step away from me. I instantly felt guilty and softened my expression.

“Well, last time… the pain was very, very real,” she breathed.

I was aghast. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“I didn’t want you guys to feel bad? I guess I do that sometimes. And… um, I thought maybe that if you knew, you’d say no.”

I felt sick. I’d been counting on the morphine, on the injection to the heart. There was no way around the torture, the fire, the all-consuming pain. The idea of seeing Bella writhing on the table in agony, for days on end… “Bella, I don’t know if I can do it,” I gasped, suddenly, surprisingly feeling the need to sit. I fell into the mattress, covered my eyes. What had I agreed to?

“But you promised. It’s what we both want.”

“I wanted it to be easier for you. That’s what I wanted, Bella. Please, the venom in your heart could --”

“No. That’s not how I want to die. I’m the one that should get to say how I die. Your teeth, my throat. Your hands on my face. Please?” I felt Bella’s warmth, smelled her scent, and heard her heart as she perched next to me on the bed. She gently stroked my hand and little sparks seemed to erupt with her feather-light caress.

“No, you, please, Bella. I cannot let you to suffer needlessly. Please --” I was merciless and reached out to touch Bella’s face. I felt the electricity ignite between us. Bella gasped. I didn’t move my hand. “Consider it. To make it easier for you. Faster, less painful.” I placed my other hand on her bare knee, so soft, so warm. “How will I live for three days watching you in pain? You can’t know what you’re asking.”

Bella turned her head and like a wet lick of fire she tenderly kissed my open palm. She placed her hand on the back of mine, pressing my palm to her lips. I felt my hand shaking, my body lit with desire.

“Please, Edward. It’s what I want.” She moved closer to me on the bed, pressing her naked thigh against me. That was all it took.

And then I was pulling Bella’s body against mine, hard, pressing myself against her soft flesh, pulling off my T-shirt so I could feel the soft, warm heat coming off her body with each pulse, feel the dewy moisture on her skin. She pulled herself onto my lap, pressed her breasts against my chest, wrapped her hands around the back of my head, through my hair. Her lips pressed into mine, begging for more. She moved her hips against me, and I groaned, growled. I could feel her naked, wet, impossibly hot center moving against me. My body ached, my mind screamed yes.

I was powerless to stop. I ran my lips from Bella’s mouth and kissed and licked my way down her throat, where I could feel her blood pounding against my cold flesh. And again my mind called yes. Isn’t it what I’d wanted from the beginning? And this is what she wanted. This is where, this is how, this is what we both want. My teeth tingled.

No! It was monstrous. It was all monstrous.

“Bella, I can’t,” I said, pushing her away, off my lap.

“Please,” she begged. I knew what she was asking. For me inside of her, and then in twenty-four days, for me to take her life with a kiss. If she only knew how close I was to doing that right now.

I went back to the window, my eyes trained on the black night, breathing heavily. I turned to see Bella flushed, wide-eyed and alone on the bed.

“I’m sorry Bella. You only have twenty-four days, and another minute like that and it could all be over tonight.”

“I understand. But would you think about what I want? Your kiss, your teeth. Let me die in your arms, Edward. Finally taking me the way your body has wanted to from the beginning.”

Venom dripped from my teeth. The monstrous way I’d wanted to end her life, stealing her from the world of the living. Yes, I wanted it. And I wanted her vital and alive. And I wanted her naked in my arms. And I wanted her strong and immortal so that finally I could share my life with her completely. I wanted it all.

“Edward?”

“I want it, Bella. You’re right. Part of me wants that ferociously. But I also want it to go as quickly and painlessly for you as possible. Can you understand that?”

“Yes.” I saw the flicker of hope in her eyes. “Can you at least consider my request?”

I sighed and nodded my head. “Fine. I’ll consider it.”

Bella smiled. “And can you… pick up where you left off over here?” she asked, patting the bed next to her.

“Not tonight. After all of this… there’s venom, my teeth, my desires are all intertwined with one another. More than usual.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, not hiding her disappointment in the least.

“Don’t be. You were right. We should be honest about what we feel. I’m glad you told me what you want, even if I think it’s dangerous, needlessly painful, and strangely and darkly… romantic.” I sat cautiously on the edge of the bed. Bella balled the satin sheets in her hands.

“Are you tired?” I asked quietly.

“Not even close,” she answered, not meeting my eyes.

“Is there anything else you would like to do?” I asked, grinning a little at repeating my words from this afternoon. Perhaps I should record the phrase. I looked at the clock. Twenty-three days now. A very long twenty-three days.

Bella smiled at me mischievously. “Blue Lagoon?” she asked.

“Fine, Bella. Blue Lagoon.”
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A/N: Happy Holidays! And thanks to Fizzle for signing up just to tell me you cared! m
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Polar Night