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Beauty & Stupid	By : chi1986 Category: G through L > Hitchhikers Guide Series Views: 3414 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hitchhikers Guide series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Beauty & Stupid Chapter One: It's Just Fun, Yeah?
Disclaimer: Characters, places, settings, etc. do not belong to me. They belong to the late, great Douglas Adams.
"Sex is hardly ever just about sex." ~Shirley MacLaine
----
"Hey, man."
Inwardly, Ford cringed. Zaphod had been asleep. Why did he have to wake up? Right now anyway? Sighing, he turned and walked back toward his drunk semi-cousin who was sprawled in a chair. He had now somehow pulled his shirt off and appeared to be admiring himself.
Ford coughed to get his attention. When Zaphod looked up, through half-lidded eyes, a devious smile played across his face. That could only mean one thing. He thought of something just as devious to do. Ford sighed, honing his senses to watch for any signs he should run.
"Come help me with this."
Zaphod was now struggling with his trousers. Ford sighed, rolling his eyes. It wasn't until he reached his side that Ford noticed that Zaphod's trousers were a little too tight around a certain area that had seemed to fit quite well earlier.
He wisely decided to try to ignore this as he reached down to unbutton Zaphod's trousers. Ford ignored the groan that resulted from this, and tried even harder to ignore the jolt it sent to his trousers. That was not okay, he decided after a second's debate.
"Mmm, that's it, baby," Zaphod mumbled.
Ford had already opened the fly and was preparing to pull his trousers down when he noticed something strange. His semi-cousin wasn't wearing anything underneath them.
One of Zaphod's arms trailed down, rubbing the obvious bulge suggestively. "Come on, I said help me with this, man."
At those words, Ford's instincts kicked in and he tried to dart away for the nearest exit only to be captured quite easily. Easier than he would have liked, but it shouldn't have been such a surprise since when they were younger, Zaphod had always managed to catch him no matter what. Apparently alcohol had no ill effects on this ability either.
Ford didn't know when the two hands caught his arms or when the third was placed roughly on his rump, or when their lips met in a bruising kiss. Time had seemed to either slow to a stop or speed up. He wasn't quite sure.
The only thing that was on his mind were the contrary feelings in him. One of shock and one he didn't care to think about at that particular moment. After all, there are some things one doesn't like to think about when one's semi-cousin's lips are against theirs in a mind blowing kiss. Like how mind blowing the kiss really is or how much lust it inspires in one's body, for example. When Zaphod finally broke the kiss, he was left fully breathless and his mind was in quite a daze.
But Ford did, quite uncharacteristically, manage to squeak one thing out. "I'm not having sex with you, Zaphod!"
Only one head seemed to take notice of Ford's protests though, the other was too busy leering at him. The hand on his rump gave him a nice little squeeze, making Ford squeak again.
"It'll be fun." Zaphod gave Ford his best puppy eyes.
Ford resisted. "I don't want to have sex with you."
Zaphod nodded, accepting, with one head, but the other (the one which had been quite lewdly staring) wasn't prepared to give up yet. "Okay, how about you just stay here and watch?"
Ford gave a puzzled expression, wiggled against the hands positioning where their wanted him, and tried to ignore the growing tightness in his own trousers. One shouldn't be turned on by their semi-cousin. Especially when said semi-cousin happens to be the Zaphod Beeblebrox.
Zaphod had put Ford quite comfortably beside him in the chair, resting one hand on his stomach and the other around his heads.
"Just let me touch you, baby."
Ford was still searching for his voice, so he didn't protest when one of Zaphod's hands began to unbutton his shirt, or when one massaged his thigh, or when he saw the other snaking down those too-tight, unzipped trousers. He was actually searching his mind for anything that he might of readin the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that might be of use in situations such as these, but the Guide didn't have anything on how to get out of sexual relations with Zaphod.
Zaphod moaned as he began to stroke himself, one head still being just as lewd as ever. Ford found it in himself to struggle when he felt his body responding to what he was seeing again.
But how could it not, realistically? Zaphod was an attractive man. An Awful dresser, but still an attractive man. And right now, he was flushed, covered in sweat, and looking sexier than any being had the right to, in Ford's mind. That thought received a swift mental kick and was then made to go stand in the corner.
"Get off it, Zaphod, and let me go!" Ford yelled when he was sure he could trust his voice enough to not squeak again.
Zaphod panted. "I'm trying to, baby. Oh–"
"Now!" Ford hissed, still struggling. He gasped when the hand on his chest found it's way inside his shirt and accidently brushed a nipple in its exploration. His neck arched quite of it's own accord when the other hand began to massaged his rump.
The head closest took this as an opportunity and began to nip at his neck. "Stop," Ford panted, eyes clinching shut.
"I don't want. . . to. . . ."
"Stop it!"
"Damn. . . ."
Ford tried to push Zaphod away, but that wasn't very effective as they were crammed side by side in a chair. Plus, the lips on his neck, and the hands in all the right places were driving him mad. His will to get away was weakening.
Actually, Ford had already started to list the pros and cons of sleeping with Zaphod. Many of the pros had to do with the extra head and arm and what could be done with them. And the thought of discovering whether or not Zaphod was indeed the ‘Best bang since the Big One' was really quite tempting.
The head closest to Ford pulled away, making him whimper slightly. "Now you touch me, man. I'm the one trying to get off here."
Ford's will had been shattered, burned, had its ashes stomped on, and then was buried six feet under on some small moon by some far away, little known planet that hadn't even shared the popularity of Earth– and just for good measure, the moon had been blown up. He reached down and took Zaphod into his hand, noting, quite jealously, that he was bigger.
He then proceeded to curse the three mother's they had shared for not giving him that particular trait, but his attention was torn away by a throaty groan.
"Ah, faster. . . faster," Zaphod moan, one head lulling back, relishing the sensations, while the other nestled Ford's neck.
Ford quickened, but not by much. He wanted to hear his semi-cousin beg. He gasped as teeth grazed the sensitive skin by his jaw, right below his ear.
"Zaphod. . . ."
Frustrated hands shooed Ford's away. He gave a puzzled look and wondered vaguely if he had done something wrong.
Before Ford could question though, his semi-cousin had captured his hand and began to nibble at the tips. "Straddle my lap," Zaphod said, eyes lazily locking on his.
Ford didn't question, but did just as he was told. He was really too turned on to care that Zaphod had taken on quite a dominate tone with him.
On his lap, Zaphod wasted no time in unzipping his semi-cousins trousers and taking him into his hand.
"Oh! Uh, Zaphod," Ford panted, eyes screwing tightly shut.
"That's it, I want you to say my name and when you come, every time you come tonight, baby, I want you to scream it,"
Ford was too caught up in the sensation to say anything to this. Instead he let out another groan and rested his head on Zaphod's shoulder. To his surprise, one of the unoccupied hands came up to tangle in his hair in a strangely gentle manner. Ford let out another throaty groan and brushed his lips gently against the other's neck.
Zaphod paused only to take himself in hand too so that he and Ford could rub up against each other. His semi-cousin nearly screamed at this and jumped, but the hand on the back of his head kept him firmly in place.
"Zarquon! I-I can't-" Ford was cut off by Zaphod's mouth, or mouths, as it were.
Zaphod's hands slowed and Ford found himself desperately moving his hips, trying to get him to pick up the pace again. Zarquon, he just wanted it to be over. He was so close.
When the kiss was nearly broken, Ford cupped one of the heads and pulled it back, deepening the kiss. He wanted to explore every inch of that mouth that still tasted of the liquor that he'd had that night.
When Zaphod finally broke free, he lustily locked eyes with Ford, whose face was flush and hair disheveled and looked no less needy. Zaphod grinned. And he was all his tonight. He wanted to say something clever. Something that would have Ford melting in a puddle of desire in front of him, begging to be taken. Instead what came out was, "I want to fuck you."
Ford inhaled sharply, face flushing even deeper. When Zaphod decided this was an okay reaction since his semi-cousin didn't try to run away, he decided to carry on. "But first I want to taste you."
Before Ford could protest, he was being moved back to his corner of the chair and Zaphod moving to the floor. Before he could even blink, he was in Zaphod's mouth.
"Zarquon!"
Ford clenched his eyes shut again, relishing the feeling of two tongues hungrily lapping around his cock– driving him crazy, before being plunged into that velvety smooth mouth. Oh, Zaphod was skilled.
Ford let out a frustrated cry as hands were placed firmly on his hips, keeping him in place as that mouth drove him mad. The other mouth was teasing any other sensitive area it could reach.
Ford's breathing was growing increasingly heavier and he knew he wouldn't last much longer. Especially since Zaphod's free hand (The one that wasn't aiding the others in holding his hips firmly in place) had started to seek out new areas too.
"Za... Zaphod!"
With the scream that took Ford a minute to realize he had let out, he came. He got carried away by the wave after wave of pleasure, perfectly lost to reality. He fell back against the chair, unable to move.
After his breathing had settled, Ford looked down through hazy, half-lidded eyes to see Zaphod's heads hungrily cleaning him off.
Zaphod's eyes locked on his, his pink tongue darting over his lips to make sure he got every last drop Ford had given him, damp locks of hair shrouding his heads. "You taste good, man."
Ford flushed at the husky tone he used, but didn't say anything in response. He wasn't sure what one said to their semi-cousin when they said something along those lines anyway.
Zaphod moved up. "Do you want to taste me or do you want me inside you?"
Ford took a shaky breath, still debating whether he wanted to go that far with Zaphod, but still very unsure if he could do as good a job as Zaphod in the other department. He had never really been with men before. He had thought about it with Arthur, sure, but the Earthman was too oblivious to notice his advances. And in those scenarios, he'd always pictured himself doing the penetration.
"Um. . . ."
Zaphod had moved back to the chair and discarded his trousers. Ford noted that he was still in need of attention, so he had to do something.
"Come on, tell me what you want to do."
Ford swallowed. "Can I. . . . just, you know. . . wank you off or something?" It sounded lame, even to his own ears.
"What? You don't trust me?" Zaphod sounded downright offended by the merest notion of someone not wanting to be his sex toy for the night.
But just because he was offended didn't mean he would give up. Ford was pulled into another mind blowing kiss. "I want to fuck you. I want you to be mine tonight, baby. I can wank off by myself. So, let me inside."
Even though Zaphod was being rather commanding, there was a certain need in his eyes that seemed to be pleading. Ford decided that a pleading, needy Zaphod was very sexy.
"It will hurt," Ford reasoned, but Zaphod was undeterred.
"Yeah, but only for a little while, then it'll feel really good."
Zaphod was back to caressing him, attempting to ease him into submission. Ford sighed, resigned. Aside from the fact his semi-cousin was obviously very skilled and seemed to actually know what he was doing (Which was unsettling in and of itself really.), he would just be hounded by Zaphod until he gave in anyway.
Besides, he reasoned that if he ever did get that far with Arthur, he should really know what to do. And Zaphod seemed to be an excellent teacher. He nodded. "Okay. Let's do it."
Zaphod beamed again, looking at Ford with disturbingly child-like enthusiasm. Ford only grudgingly got up and fetched a small tube out of his satchel which he had discarded by another chair after the wrestling match trying to get Zaphod to sit in the other one.
Ford had been saving it for his first time with Arthur, should he ever be so lucky as to get through the thick skull most humans had. Arthur's always seemed to be particularly thick when it came to his advances for some reason. Maybe he thought he was just being extra friendly.
Ford returned to Zaphod, holding the tube out with a shaking hand. Zaphod grinned. "Cool, man. You think of everything!"
"Well, it wasn't meant for this exactly." Ford was ignored.
"Lay down on the floor."
Ford did as he was told once again. This time, it wasn't from blind desire, but more nervousness. Zaphod had slid Ford out of his trousers, positioned his legs to where he could comfortably fit and was opening the tube of lubrication in a matter of minutes.
"Just relax, okay?"
That was never reassuring when it was uttered by Zaphod. Particularly in this situation. Ford found himself having to fight back the urge to run as he felt the first probing finger at his entrance.
"Um, maybe this isn't such a bright idea, Zaphod. . . . We should wait."
Zaphod didn't heed this. Ford took in a sharp breath when he felt Zaphod's finger slide inside him. He was treated to that surprisingly gently hand stroking through his hair again and another encircling his cock.
"Just relax, man, okay?"
Ford tried to listen to him and focused on steadying his breathing and the hand on him, but when a second finger was added. A jolt of nervousness hit him again.
But, he made himself focus on other things as Zaphod's hand coaxed him back into lust. The fact that all four of Zaphod's eyes were locked on him, watching quite lewdly, was actually quite arousing, too. He sighed when a third finger was introduced.
"You ready?" Zaphod purred, leaning down to flick his tongue over Ford's swollen, reddened lips.
Ford figured he was about as ready as he could be. "Yeah," He muttered, voice oddly breathy again.
Zaphod apparently needed no other encouragement. He put a generous amount of the lube on (Which Ford was thankful for since his semi-cousin was quite blessed when it came to that appendage.) and position himself at Ford's entrance.
"Just relax."
Ford wanted to pull his hair out, but that was before he felt Zaphod begin to enter him ever so slowly. Then he just wanted to scream, but settled for chewing on his lip until the pain eased. The hand never left his cock– which had become quite hard again. But tears had welled up in his eyes, making Zaphod pause momentarily.
"Is it too much?"
Before Ford could answer, a grin lit up one of his faces. "Am I that big?"
Ford snorted despite himself. "Just get on with it already!"
And Zaphod listened. He finished easing in, but remained still. Ford waited for his body to relax to the new feeling of being, well, filled. He definitely would have to get used to this feeling. The fact that his mind was being quite distracted by his semi-cousins other hand helped him relax a bit. He let out a bit of a groan when Zaphod's hand sped up.
"Zarquon! You feel good," Groaned Zaphod, who looked like he was having a hard time holding still.
Despite the awkward feeling, Ford was already pretty turned on again. He reached up and ran a hand through Zaphod's hair on his left head, who was still busy staring at his face.
Ford moved his hips urgently, giving Zaphod the cue to move his. Ford hissed when he hit a particular spot, causing him to shiver with pleasure.
"I love that face you make, baby."
"Ugn... That– That's," Ford was at a loss for words as Zaphod kept a maddeningly steady pace up, making sure to hit that particular spot with every thrust. The hand on his cock wasn't helping much either.
Soon, he was writhing underneath the man, panting and moaning and pleading and not really in control of his mouth. Zaphod quickened his pace, his breath coming in unsteadily, as he muttered curses and comments on how virgins felt so great.
"Fuck! I can't stand this, baby."
Ford hissed a breath through his teeth before pulling Zaphod down for another rough kiss. This was enough to make his semi-cousin lose control, and he started thrusting wildly, the hand on his cock picking up the same rhythm .
This also made Ford lose control. He was panting and thrusting into the persistent hand, reveling in Zaphod's teeth biting into sensitive skin.
"Say my name," Zaphod pleaded as he continued his wild, ill rhythmed thrusting.
That was all Ford needed though, he forced a strangled ‘Zaphod' out before he came, dirtying his and Zaphod's stomaches.
In turn, this was all Zaphod needed, too, because he came seconds later, with a loud moan before he collapsed, spent, on top of Ford, who wrapped his arms around him.
"Mmm, that was pretty good."
Ford raised an eyebrow sleepily. "Just pretty?"
Zaphod looked up through mussed locks of hair. "Well, more than that. Man, we'll have to do that again sometime."
Zaphod grinned and Ford returned it.
This was the start of something very interesting indeed.
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