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The Phantom of the...WHAT?!?!	By : IamtheAngelofMusic Category: M through R > Phantom of the Opera, The Views: 2936 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Phantom of the Opera, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-The Phantom of the...WHAT?!?!
- 1
CHAPTER 1
AUCTION SCENE, TAKE ONE:

Old Raoul is wheeled into the building. The auction-goers are milling about, and Twilight is waiting around in her director’s chair for the auctioneer to say his line. Silence.

Some pigeons fly by. Silence.

Twilight: *into megaphone* AUCTIONEER!!!

Suddenly a very erotic moan emits from behind the auction-booth. It begins to shudder violently. It falls over, and the auctioneer and Young Raoul are seen on the floor, utterly naked. Raoul’s head is between the auctioneer’s legs, and we can only see his curly head bobbing up and down while the auctioneer moans.

Auctioneer: Oh…my…GOD…Raoul…yes…AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

We can only assume what happened on that scream. Meanwhile, the Old Raoul has had a heart attack and either died or passed out completely.

A moment later, Raoul sits up, licking his lips, then looks around.

Raoul: Are we on?

Twilight: *has been peering through her fingers at this, her mouth open in shock* Yes…we ARE on…*shudders and turns away* Erik, get me a coffee or something…GOD, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!

Erik: *brings coffee, pulls director away from disturbing scene*

Twilight: CUT! *as Erik drags her away* PERVERTED FREAKS!!!

HANNIBAL, TAKE ONE:

We are in the midst of the performance. Twilight is looking very aggressive because Erik is in the rafters. Reyer is high on Ritalin. Erik, in the rafters, is wincing because of Carlotta’s voice.

One of the men on stage steps on Carlotta’s skirt.

Dress: *RIIIIIIP!!!*

Everything stops, for the prima donna is suddenly standing on the stage, naked.

Twilight: *blank stare* I thought…we talked…about the nudity…on the set…

Reyer: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reyer leaps out of the orchestra pit and zips across the stage to start humping Carlotta wildly. Piangi appears.

Piangi: YOU NO RAPE-A MY LEETLE WIFE-A!

*bitch slap, body slam, sucker punch*

Through the noise of the fight, Twilight is seen, furiously seething.

Twilight: Who…put Reyer…in charge…of his own…RITALIN?!?!?!?

She glares daggers at Andrew, who glances off to the side.

Erik: Oh, for the love of the Angel of Music…

He drops the backdrop on top of everyone on stage.

Twilight: CUT!

TAKE TWO:

Things are going a bit better, mainly thanks to Carlotta being clothed again, Piangi having been given a cup of Chai, and Reyer securely trussed up, the work of Erik. Andrew has taken over the conducting in order to be out of sight of the furiously fuming director from New York.

Er…has anyone SEEN the furiously fuming director from New York?

Carlotta: *screeching Think of Me*

The line comes where Erik is supposed to drop the scenery. There is a pause as nothing happens. Carlotta sings it again…and again…

Meanwhile, the elephant that Piangi was supposed to be perched on a minute ago has been slowly inching forward. Finally, it hits Carlotta from behind.

Carlotta: VAT DE BLEEDING ‘ELL EEZ-A GOING ON ‘ERE?

Someone turns the elephant around, and instead of the two drunkards who were in it before, we see the nude bodies of Twilight and Erik.

Twilight: *can’t hold it in any more* YEAH, BABY!!! WHOOOOO!!!!!!!!

It is quite clear what they are doing, as Erik is on top of Twilight and furiously slamming his hips downward. Twilight convulses on her scream, then they both collapse, laughing hysterically. Only then do they notice their audience.

Andrew: I thought…you said…

Twilight: *going bright red* Oh…shit!

The two of them tumble down off of the elephant, and Erik screams in pain.

Twilight: *grumbling* Why—didn’t—you—pull—out—you—DIPSHIT!!!

Firmin: *has been taping the entire thing* Oh…man…this is TOO good…

Twilight: *sees him* GAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!

She rockets with blinding speed and is soon sitting on top of Firmin, punching him in the face. He, however, is laughing, and she realizes the reason for it—his handheld camera is shoved up her cunt.

Twilight: YOU—PERVERTED—FREAKING—BASTARD!!!

She seizes the camera and breaks Firmin’s wrist in the process.

Camera: *smash*

Firmin: *HOWL!*

Andre: Damn, I wanted a copy of that…

Twilight: YOU LITTLE…!!!

Andre is soon on the floor, having been on the receiving end of one of Twilight’s very-well-aimed knee-jabs. Erik drops his Punjab around her shoulders and drags her offstage.

Twilight: *from far away* CUT!

THINK OF ME, TAKE ONE:

Twilight is once again sitting in her director’s chair, fully clothed and growling, with a very pissed look on her face that says, DON’T TALK TO ME!!!! The camera is spiraling down through the floor to find the top of dear Erik’s head.

Where is dear Erik?

Standing behind the director, giving her a back rub. Of course.

Camera man #4: Ummm…is there a REASON I’m shooting a crack in the floor?

Twilight: *snaps to it* ERIK!

Erik: Oh…er, sorry babe…

In one of his amazing flashes of fire, Erik manages to get down there in time for the shot. That’s why he kind of “steps in” to the camera’s view.

One more problem. Raoul?

Twilight: *into megaphone* WHERE IS THE PERV? HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE IN GODDAMN BOX FIVE!!!

Raoul chooses this moment to stroll onto the set, arm in arm with the auctioneer.

Raoul: Am I late?

Twilight: GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Luckily, there is another flash of fire, and Erik appears just in time to stop the director from murdering one of the main roles.

Twilight: Grrrrr…CUT!

Raoul: Maybe I should…

Twilight: GET THE HELL UP THERE!

Raoul scurries to obey.

TAKE TWO:

Reyer is still trussed up securely in the third cellar. Twilight is tied into her director’s chair by Erik. Christine is singing onstage.

Christine: You…will…think…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA…CROAK!!

Dead silence.

Twilight turns slowly to Erik, with a look that could kill.

Erik: I SWEAR it wasn’t me! It’s CARLOTTA that gets the toad potion!

Andrew: It is?

Twilight, upon hearing this, uses an inhuman burst of strength to break free. Christine joins her in tackling the producer.

After about fifteen minutes, Andrew has joined Reyer.

Twilight: CUT!

ANGEL OF MUSIC, TAKE TWO:

(Where is take one? You’ll find out.)

Meg is pushing through the crowd, looking for Christine. Someone has liberated Reyer and Andrew. Reyer is currently bounding around the party, trying to molest the ballet rats. No one has seen Twilight or Erik.

Speak of the devils. As Meg emerges into a hallway, there they are, making out loudly in the corner.

Andrew: *having stolen the director’s chair* No, no, no, leave that in!

Meg rolls her eyes and continues.

Andrew: Umm…*grabs Twilight’s megaphone and pushes the voice change button* Brava…brava…bravISSima…

We see Christine kneeling on the floor. However, her dress is not its original white. Her dress, hair, and face are black, as well as a good portion of the set.

Meg: What happened to you?

Christine: Two words—take one.

(We told you.)

At this moment, Twilight and Erik both come rushing in to attack Andrew.

Twilight: MY CHAIR!!!!!!! DIE BASTARD!!!!!!!!!

He is soon tied and out of the way.

Twilight: CUT!

LITTLE LOTTE, TAKE ONE:

We are in the dressing room. Twilight has possession of her chair again, and is clinging to it with a death grip. Erik stands by, timidly holding out her coffee. Raoul enters.

Raoul: Little Lotte—how the hell do you get that from ‘Christine’?

Twilight: RAOUL!!!

Raoul: Sorry…Little Lotte let her mind wander…

Christine turns around, but it is not Christine.

Auctioneer: *girlish squeal* Raoul!

The auctioneer—in Christine’s dressing gown—proceeds to tackle glomp Raoul.

Twilight: CUT THE DAMN SCENE!

She finally gets up out of her chair, shoves the auctioneer aside, and seizes Raoul by his golden locks.

Raoul: Hey, it took HOURS to get those little waves!

Twilight: What—did—I—say—about—the—auctioneer?

Raoul: *shrugs*

Twilight: *shakes him* He is NOT ALLOWED ON THE SET!!!!!!!

She shoves him on the floor and drop-kicks the gay S.O.B. straight between the legs. He begins to shriek, writhing in pain.

Twilight: *glances over at the auctioneer* Erik…do you mind?

Erik: *producing Punjab lasso* Gotcha, babe.

And yes, the auctioneer is soon deriving escape plans with Andrew—and Reyer has officially passed out from overdose. So we just shoved him in the cellar with them. He’s okay, though. We think.

THE MIRROR, TAKE ONE:

Twilight, again, is in her chair, a VERY pissed off look on her face. The reason for this? Erik will soon be seducing Christine. We advise NO ONE to go near her. Raoul is just beyond the door, rubbing himself where she landed ANOTHER kick in his balls as he tried to approach her. We blame it somewhat on the coffee.

In any case, Firmin and Andre are currently running like wusses from the building, because all of the candles are blowing out. VERY symbolic. Christine decides she’s going to hang around in her underwear and lacy dressing gown (after ordering a new one…the auctioneer wrecked her old one) and YET she expects Raoul to be coming in “two minutes”. Which is actually more like five minutes. Or ten. We’re not really sure.

Drumroll…Christine is the first one in the movie to notice music suddenly coming out of nowhere, and starts to look scared. She heads for the door, not knowing that a MYSTERIOUS BLACK GLOVE has locked it. While Madame Giry looked on.

Erik: Insolent gay…I hate him so much, he was hitting on you!

Christine: Wasn’t my fault, we were friends!

Twilight: *still seething* Erik…Christine…

Erik: Right…sorry…ahem, Christine wanna come hang in my crib?

Twilight: ERIK!

Erik: Er…wanna come over to my place?

Twilight: EEEERRRRIIIIKKKK!!!!

Erik: SORRY! Come to me, Angel of Music!

Twilight returns to her quiet rage. Which means somebody in the near future better look out for their lives.

Christine: *gets that crazy look*

Erik: I am your Angel of…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Twilight: CUT! Erik, what the HELL?!?!

Erik: She—she—HAHAHAHA—look at her!

Twilight comes over and looks at Christine, and proceeds to crack up.

Twilight: DEER IN HEADLIGHTS!!!!!!!

Christine: I am not!!! I’m entranced!

The cast heaves a sigh of relief as Twilight and Erik pass out from laughing.

Remember: you READ you REVIEW!!! Or I will sic Reyer on you. (hey that rhymes!) DISCLAIMER BECAUSE I HAVE TO NOW: I don't own Phantom. ALW and GL and JS do. But I own Twilight. Umm...applies for all chapters.
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The Phantom of the...WHAT?!?!