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Goodnight	By : Jerlayne Category: Anita Blake > Het Views: 1259 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Anita Blake series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Goodnight
- 1
Note: A ‘ ~’ symbol denotes a shift in p.o.v.
The words in bold are my own addition.
Please excuse my liberties with Eddy’s past. Purely
artistic license.
All aspects of his past are original. Thanks.

@@@@

~Anita.

The mechanical voice sounded over the Santa Fe airport departure lounge, “Pan-American flight 148 to St Louis boarding in five minutes. All passengers please proceed to departure lounge. Thank you.” Well, wasn’t that redundant. I was already I the lounge, waiting to board. I was glad to be going home; the case had really shaken me up.

I moved restlessly in my hard seat, I was still disturbed and unsettled over the letter from Olaf. But I am not going to even think about it. Forcibly turning my mind away from that topic, I again let my mind wander. It settles, unsurprisingly on the topic of the relationship between Edward and Donna, and on the kids. It was strange to even think about it. He really cares for them. I could see it so obvious in his eyes. He had confessed as much to me, but I still feel that there is still something not right about the whole thing.

Edward with a family. That part alone was enough to make a cat laugh. But it is the kids, especially Peter that worried me the most. He seemed to be just like him, someone with no remorse, no mercy; the perfect killer.

It’s selfish I know, but what will this do to the two of us? What will happen to our friendship? I still wish that they would break up on their own accord, but it’s a little late for that now.

Are we done for now,
Or is this for good?

I am not one generally for regrets, but thinking back to Edward’s speech about soulmates, I can’t shake a feeling of wistfulness, of regret. I really do wish that I could love him, and he could love me. It would cut the hell out of a lot of crap in both our lives.

And also when I think of the way that he shared his problems with only me, how he trusted me to make sure he died well, to hold him, to take care of the kids. Granted, taking the kids kind of is assured when it comes to me, but the other things, there are so many mixed signs coming from him.

Will there be something in time?
With us there should.

But I know why I did all this, why I trust him. It is because I care, more than I should. It took a while, but I realised, back there in that hellish basement, that I love him, also more than I should.

~ Edward

Beep, beep, beep. The noise of the machines was getting on my nerves. Automatically and almost negligently, I tune it out. Donna is sitting by my bedside now. I also tune her out, letting Ted answer her, with both voice and eyes as I slip farther back into my mind.

It had been a strange mixture of amusement and almost desperate relief, the most that I had ever felt, to bring Anita on the case we had just finished. That phone call had made me, for a few minutes forget the worry, the fear that had been dogging me for the two weeks since the start of the case.

For the first time in years, I had been afraid. The fear had been making me weak. Slow. I could not afford to be weak. I was Death. If I died, Donna would know the truth, and it would be her death. Both hers and the children’s. I was getting in too deep and I knew it. I had to find a way to get out, and yet, my heart, ignored for so long, would not let me. I needed Anita’s expertise on more than one front.

The moment she had arrived, I had played her against Donna, both to get my usual kick out of her anger and frustration and also to show her, withought doubt or room for interpretation the hole I had gotten myself into. Later, she surprised me once again, making me laugh almost against my will, laughing in a way I had almost forgotten, with such innocence, such abandon.

The only girl for me is you.
There can be no other one

And in the car, with one sentence, she entirely put to rest all my fears, my insecurities over death, pain and weakness. The situation over Donna, that had taken longer, but she had finally made me see the reason I had put myself in that position; and showed me just how deep I was in. I had so completely immersed myself in the lies. I was neck deep in and sinking. But she made me see why I had chosen Donna, chosen the lies. That was something I truly admired, valued.

Her ability to see right through to my very core. She may think otherwise, for I don’t show it, but she sees right to my very soul. To the Edward so long ago, the one I had based Ted on. The Edward who had once, long ago, aspired to be a poet and a writer. The Edward I had to destroy to be able to kill. It has been so long since that happened; since I thought about it, I can’t even remember who the other Edward was, what he had done. Nothing except the pieces she had made me remember.

That was the heart I cut out from my chest, still beating and threw away so long ago. I can still hear Van Cleef’s cursed voice echo through time and memory, preaching over and over his policy: those with the tenderest, most gentle hearts eventually make the most ruthless killers.

She found those last few pieces of the heart I had had so long ago, before ‘he’ came along. The pieces I never knew were still there; still beating, preventing me from reverting completely to insanity like Harley, keeping me still human.

Is there no end to her capabilities, our connection? Together, we are invincible. We have each other’s backs perfectly, withought even having to think about it.

My Anita, we are connected, not only by the friendship that you think we share, for we do, but also by a bond beyond that, beyond mere friendship, a bond deeper than any mere piece of paper, deeper than love. We are soulmates.

If I didn’t have faith,
I would become undone.

If I didn’t have my faith in you, my soulmate; I would be lost. Where would I be, if I did not have faith in you to pull me back from the edge, the brink of the chasm to the deep darkness, the descent into emptiness. You think that you are slipping dangerously close toward that edge, but I am already there. Only you can bring me back from that brink. Can bring me back into myself. My greatest regret is not being able to share my darkest secret with you, the secret of my past. You are the only one whom I could imagine myself sharing such a secret with.

I find myself denying it, almost withought thinking about it, over and over again, to all, even you, but the truth is concealed deep inside. Deeper than even you, with your incredible insight can see. The truth that you made me see. The truth that I love you, that I care, more than I should, more than I care to admit.

~Anita

Once again I am stuck in an egg shaped piece of metal hurtling around thousands of feet in the air with nothing between me and the hard ground but air. To take my mind off that fact, I return to my dilemma. What happened in the city I just left, fleeing from my true feelings and my real soulmate with my tail between my legs.

The way he had looked at me, when he spoke of soulmates, the way he looked at me with such certainty and trust. The way his eyes softened. The humour that shows when he teases me. Though I will admit it is so not funny to me, but I would put up with a lot more than just irritation to be able to see that look in his eyes.

The way, though however rare, I can startle him into laughing that innocent sweet laugh, reminiscent of a younger more carefree him. That laugh that never fails to make me cry. Tears fill my eyes just remembering that instant. But no I will not cry. Not over something I cannot have.

So much promise in your eyes,
Seems that only I can see.

I had seen almost every facet of Edward in that one trip, in that scant few days. I had seen both the good and the bad, the lies and the reality. The soft side, and the ruthless side. The absolute incongruity of both sides was what freaked me out the most.

But yet, there is still deep inside; something I cannot see. Something that echoes with pain, loss and a peculiar longing. But that was not important, at least not yet. The important part, that milestone that we had crossed was that he had let me see what he had let no one see. It was the fears, the worries and most profound of all, his fear.

I had seen within further than anyone had seen before, and yet I wish I could see more, to look into that deep buried side of him, where the person he should have been is buried.

It always makes me wonder,
If you save it all for me.

I had always denied I liked him, that we never had even a single romantic thought about each other, but now as I look back, I had always liked him, maybe even loved him. What I had been looking for all along was someone like me. I found a substitute, but it can never replace him. I guess, lying to him all along; I must have been a better liar than I thought. A pity he was the only one being truthful.

~Edward

In a way I am almost relieved that I have come to this conclusion, clearing up years of doubt and insecurity when it came to Anita. But I used to be so certain that she does not feel the same way. Or does she? Now that I think of it, I see it sometimes, in her eyes, a flash of a deeper emotion than just friendship, coming and going so fast, it seems almost ethereal.

But there is nothing to do about that. She is too caught up in the petty little details of her life, her loves. Her monsters. The very thing she used to hate as much as I do. Her love for them is yet another difference to make her pull away from me, another rift between us, driving her away. But it is something I will not let get in my way of preserving what is left between us.

Maybe you do,
Maybe you don’t,

I wish I could love you, Anita, I really do. But how do I escape the web of lies I have woven for myself? The spider is caught in its own web trying to escape, but like quicksand, the more it tries to escape, the deeper within its web it is trapped.

Life would be so much simpler if you were mine, truly the only one for me, the only one in my heart, my true soulmate. But you and I have lives to lead, worlds apart, in every sense of the word, both literally and figuratively.

Most likely, like I did, she has dismissed and buried her feelings, walling it off, allowing the chances and detours that crop up in life to overwhelm her, flowing with time, as it moves through eternity. Letting it carry her to who knows where, submerging herself in her monsters. I know she will never admit it, not to anyone, least of all to me. But I will still go on loving her, as much as what is left of my torn heart will allow.

Maybe you should,
Probably won’t.

I suddenly feel the shock of arms embracing me just a little too enthusiastically. In keeping with Ted’s persona but mainly to get her off me, I let out a groan. Her chatter flows over me, my escape within myself shattered. She is saying something about going home. Good.
An hour later, I am discharged from the hospital.

‘Cos there will be ,
……

She has finally left. I was almost rude to her a while ago, when she would not stop fussing over me. I will have to let Ted apologise later, but I could feel the real me slipping through, threatening to lat her see behind what I only let her see.

Now I am left alone in an empty house with only my thoughts. In a little spot, deep inside what is left of me I wish, with all my heart, that my Anita can at least come to that same conclusion that I had just reached; that we are so much more than friends. We are worth so much more than friends to each other.

But she is caught up in a completely different world, the world she surrounds herself in. a world of supernatural happenings, where nothing is as it seems and one may hold the power of life and beyond in one fragile body.

Her world is full of monsters and magic, a world which is holding on to her ever tighter, and is not letting her go. She is all but lost to me.

There will be other guys,
Who will whisper in your ear,

On many levels, I both loathe and envy her vampire, not that I would ever admit it; but yes, I envy him. The way he had contacted Anita withought physical means. And the way they are connected mind to mind, to be able to see so completely into her mind and her heart. That is something I long for, and give up many a thing for.

I wonder what it would be like, to know her so completely and she me. For her it may be not such a good thing, to fully know about me, and who I am, together with my past. But I am sure she could handle it. I have faith in her, in her resilience, her inner strength.

Yes, that is something I would do many a thing, give up many a thing for. But I know it is impossible.

Say they’ll take away your sadness
And your fears.

I may be unequal in the physical sense. I am only human. But I am Death, I kill monsters. In a way I am their equal. And in other ways I exceed them. I kill them.

They may whisper sweet nothings in your ears, beguile you with morality, but I tell you truth. Truth withought manipulation. How many others in your world can claim the same? How many others, both in my world and yours can boast that fact?

We may not say much when we are together, but between us is always the truth, and there is trust like no other. How many others can lay claim to that? Not many. It exists between us only.

There may be others in your life, many others in time to come, but whatever happens, I will always be there. This I promise you. Whenever you need it. I may not be the first one you will call in times of need, nor the only one, but I tell you this, even if you cannot hear, I will always be the one who cares the most, in the most pure way. For I have no motives of my own, never, when it comes to you, and I will be willing to give up anything for your happiness.

I will be there, when I can loose myself from the fantasy I have woven so closely around myself. You think you are losing your morals, but I am losing my life, my sanity. The only way I can return is through you.

They may be kind and true,
They may even be good for you,

It is only through you, being with you, that I can be myself. That in itself saves me from the lies that surround me here. Only you can save me from the lies.

I would love you, if not for the lies, a pair of innocent eyes, and a dark shadowed mind, already so much like myself. I see a little bit of myself in those dark eyes. He needs me to show him the way, and I need him, for his family.

But you are the one I love, with all of me. I have always loved you, and will always continue to do so.

But they’ll never care for you
More than I do.

All the others in your life have their own motives for you. They huddle around your humanity like a fast dying flame, take advantage of your protectiveness. All of them, not a one of them will ever love you, care for you, like I do, withought reservations withought motive, just simply for you.

But can you truly feel safe with me, in my world? I saw your eyes, when you helped me, when you had a taste of what it was like in my world. Your eyes, so haunted, looking to me for guidance, with that trust behind such fear, it was all I could do not to take you in my arms and take you away, children be damned.

And it was for the first time I realised that my world could bring about your death, I saw fear in your eyes for the first time.

Is this why you ran away? Back to your monsters? I long to free you from their choking influence, but to do that is to risk you hating me. I live in a bed of lies, waiting for you, my sweet girl, the only one who will not take any mess from anyone, least of all me, the only one who can make me laugh withought reservation withought the mask you and only you are the one for me, for all of me, my sweet girl.

~ Anita

Home at last. I am exhausted, both mentally and physically, with all that had been happening in my life these past few days. Collapsing on my bed, I try to fall asleep, but my mind keeps going in circles over the same old thought. Edward.

I love him that much I know, but there is nothing I can do. Love works both ways, he had chosen to love the opposite of who he is. He had chosen a life of lies and deception, and surround himself with the what might have beens.

I had chosen to love those like me, those who can take me as I am. In a way, I wish I could love him, openly, in a way it could be returned. For him, I could change, turn myself into a monster, make my blood run cold. For him, I could conquer my fears of his world; I would be able to stand my ground in his fight. If only he would give me a chance.

The way I see it, soulmates really are your perfect lover, the ones you are meant to love forever, your one true love, all of that crap. I wish you could see it the same way.

I’ll always be there,
There to the end,

Lying there, so lonely on my bed, I make you a promise, Edward. A promise I will keep, no matter what. I will always be there for you, no matter what, even if it is right to the end. I promise you, we are true soulmates, and even if I do not have your love, then I will give you mine nonetheless. whenever you call, I will be there. Whenever you need it, I will be there, with my support and unity.

I promise your back will always be covered. It is not love, in the conventional sense, and definitely not what I was made to believe love is, it is even not what I imagine or want it to be, but I will love you, in another way, as a friend. The love of the interpretation of the soulmate that you talked of, what you wished of me, I will return to you.

I cant do much about your choices, your decisions in life or love, but all of me that I can give, maybe even giving you my life, but I give to you freely, for I love you. More than anyone I have met. I see that so clearly now. I wonder how I missed it.

I can’t do much,
But be your one true friend.

Stupid of me, to think that giving you my life will show you how I feel, but love makes all of us do stupid things. Me most of all.

~Edward
I may have accepted your choices in life, as they are not mine to make, though I would have chosen differently. However, I may wish otherwise, as I am still caught up in a web of lies, withought you by my side, I have lost my anchor, my ear to pour my thoughts into, the vessel for my true pure love.

But you too are caught up in a web, though this one woven of magic and of deceit. In both our lives, filled with danger lurking everywhere; I choose to make it so, death and destruction by my own hand, as my life is worth less. But you value yours, and treasure it. Yet danger finds you on its own. But one thing is certain, whenever I see you in over your head, whenever I hear a call from you; I will be there for you, in my own way, with my toys, to bail you out.

To the end,
Through the end,

I know that it will be you who will start the end of the world, and what fun it will be then. I may be the last one you think of when it comes to those you choose to love, but my love, however covert, runs the deepest. It may be the most hidden, but it is also the most pure.

We will die together, I trust you with both my life and my death. We may die together, at each other’s backs or by each other’s hand in mercy, either way may be true, but of this I am certain, yours really will be the last thing that I see as I die. The only thing I want to see.

Our lives to spend,
With each other till the end of time.

I don’t know what you think lies beyond death, but I hope, I pray to an almost-forgotten deity that that one day, in the beyond, that both our feelings, your feelings will change, and we can truly be more than what we have now, that we can be together, to have the love I long for and you think you have found. Openly and truly.
‘So I say goodnight, goodnight, sweet girl’

~ Anita

Night is falling outside my window, and I am so tired, tired of my life, tired of the powers I hold within me. But the only things that keep me going are my sense of duty and now my promise to you.

I know that you are now happy, in your own way, with your new family. But as the night falls and the daylight dies, so do my chances of you loving me.

Strangely, our friendship and you are the most stable things in my life right now. My place in your life may still be a mystery to me; and I would like to know, but I also know that you will never tell me. But I get the feeling that my place with you is much larger than you care to let me know. That much I an see in your eyes.

I see the promise in your eyes,
And I wonder if it is for me,

Why can’t you let me in? Is it because you are afraid of what I would do, what I would say to you? How I would react, how I could survive in your world? But whatever is in your heart, that closely guarded heart, at least I know it is there, and it is for me.

Do you look at me, and think of me out of the blue as I do you? Sometimes I get the feeling that you do, though I am sure withought the feelings that I have when I think of you.

But I know it is still there,
Even when you sleep.

In a way, it is a perverse form of revenge, and also a comfort to know that you think of me. And that I live in your heart. Even when your body lies beside her. No one can take that away from me, and least of all you.

If that one thought is all I have, then I will accept it, and cherish it, for it is all I have; and is enough, for me to fulfil my promise to you.

Even if it leads to death.

So I say, goodnight, goodnight my sweet one,

(Together) and pleasant dreams, I’ll be thinking of you when I wake.

Fin.
- 1
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