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Soft Cheeses and Feegles	By : KBowman Category: A through F > Discworld Views: 3225 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Discworld, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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- 1-Soft Cheeses and Feegles
- 1
Soft Cheeses and Feegles
By Theankh
Rating - Very Adult!
Summary - Tiffany Aching discovers the elusive recipe for Dream Cheese, a magical cheese that gives the eater temporary power over their own dreams. But on the night she tries out the first batch, Rob Anybody is watching over her and can't resist a bite himself....
Feedback - Desired. I know every author says they want feedback and I also know hardly anyone actually reads Discworld fanfic (I really should stick to Harry Potter if I want lots of reviews) but if you read this and you like it, please take five minutes just to say so :) and if you don't like it! Tell me that too! Because if you don't I'll just keep writing crappy fics about Rob Anybody, and you have the power..... to stop the madness.....

Soft Cheeses and Feegles
Tiffany found what she was looking for in the last place anyone would have looked for an elusive recipe - exactly were it should be. It wasn't written down properly of course. It was a scrawl in the margin of 'Cheeses Through The Ages' that she couldn't remember noticing before, but now it was there. She held the page up to the light and smiled.
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Tiffany pressed the cheese out of the mould carefully. It was a soft, wibbly pink lump on the plate. Slightly transparent. Slightly glazed-looking. When she picked up the plate it undulated gently from side to side, as if it were a small jelly rather than a nicely-set cheese.
'Wha's tha yer got there lassie?'
'Go away, Rob.' Tiffany said without looking up. Recently the Big Man of the Feegle clan had taken to watching over her personally. It had been nine years since they first met, when she was just a kid, but she was still sometimes surprised by a red-headed pictsie appearing seemingly from nowhere at odd times. They had been keeping watch over her ever since she had spent a couple of days as their Kelda, and were impervious to her insistence that she didn't need 24/7 supervision. Things had got tricky a couple of times, especially after she discovered her efforts to thwart them by papering over the cracks in her bedroom walls had failed completely. They insisted they were 'gentlemen' and swore they turned their backs when she changed, but they were.... they were still little men after all. Men were men, Tiffany thought wryly, and she didn't trust the Feegles version of gentlemanliness either.
'Ach, tha' lookie like a wee cheesy fer some fierce hungry folkses, so it do.' Rob said hopefully. He was crouching on the shelf next to her head, watching her wrap the cheese in paper. Tiffany ignored him. He had been hanging around a lot more recently, talking to her, which hardly any of the other Watch-Feegles ever did. In fact she rarely noticed the rest of them were there. It was just Rob who seemed comfortable with following her openly.
'An' where yer takin' tha' tasty lookin' wee cheesy? Sure yer no wanna leave a wee morsel fer puir wee Rob?' He asked. Tiffany picked up her cheese and tucked it under her arm before unlocking the dairy door. When she looked up Rob was swinging on the coathook next to the frame, grinning hopefully at her.
'You're not a 'puir wee' anything, Rob Anybody.' She said, and then she left.

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That evening before she went to sleep Tiffany checked every nook and cranny in her bedroom, until she was satisfied there were no Feegles watching her. Or at least, couldn't have a very good view if they were. Then she took the cheese from the pocket of her coat and unwrapped it on top of her chest of drawers.
It glistened more than she remembered. She pulled her emergency cheese slicer from her top drawer, cut off a corner and ate it. It was slightly warm and..... gooey. The inside was almost liquidy. She chewed it thoughtfully, swallowed, then got into bed and curled up under the covers, waiting for sleep to come.

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Rob Anybody watched Tiffany checking her bedroom for other Feegles. He didn't mind. He approved. It wouldn't be right for Feegles to be trying to watch her illece... ellisit... secretly. He was watching her tonight. Any other Feegles would just be spying. He shifted slightly in his watching place from inside the cupboard inside the dollshouse. She never thought to look there. Once she was asleep he could move about a bit, stretch his legs, find something to fight. For some reason she always seemed angry to see him or the other Feegles these days. Rob didn't understand it, but then she was girl. A woman now really. And a hag as well. There had never been a Feegle who understood haggling, and Rob wasn't much worried about changing that. He just liked to make sure she was still safe, and somehow he didn't always trust the other Feegles to do that anymore.
He watched her eat some of the interesting pink cheese and then get into bed. After a long wait he decided she was sleeping. Her breath was even and she had relaxed from a curled-up ball outwards, her arms thrown across the pillow. Rob slid out of the cupboard and padded softly through the dolls house, looking for something to eat or maybe to kick in the head. After a good search through the room he had only turned up a moth, which fluttered around for a bit and then flapped hurriedly away when he waved a fist at it.
'Go'arn yer cowardly scunner, away wi' yer.' He said half-heartedly. He was about to tramp back to the dollshouse when he noticed the cheese on the chest of drawers. Of course, the big wee hag hadn't said he could have any..... but on the other hand she hadn't said he couldn't have any either. Rob grinned. All this thinking was working out better for him than he'd imagined.
He climbed up to the cheese and tore a chunk off with one tattooed hand. The inside seemed to be melting. Maybe the big wee hag had overcooked it, or whatever she did with cheese. He wolfed it down, and then sat down on the dresser and watched Tiffany for a bit. She looked like she was sleeping deeply. That was good. He could move about a bit more freely when she was like this, out like a light. She probably wouldn't wake up even if he found something good and big to kick around a bit.
He was starting to feel sleepy. And Tiffany's bed looked awfully comfortable. He looked around furtively, then climbed over to the bed. Surely he could just sit on the end of that comfy looking covery thingy for a bit? She wouldn't know. He could rest his legs for a bit. It wouldn't do any harm.
He edged onto the duvet, holding his breath. Tiffany turned over and mumbled something in her sleep. After a long minute Rob decided she was still far under, so he settled down properly on the covers and lay back, wriggling to create a Rob-sized groove.
'Ach, a fine wee softy thing this is!' He said happily, and yawned. He was starting to feel really sleepy in fact. Really, really sleepy, in fact.......

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Rob woke up and wasn't on the bed anymore. He was instantly on his feet and ready to give something a good kicking, but there was nothing nearby. He was surrounded by grass. He stood up properly from his defensive crouch. Feegles were no strangers to odd happenings, and he'd moved with ease between hundreds of different worlds, but normally he knew it was happening while it happened, rather than afterwards with no warning.
Then a sound came through the grass and he froze, ears pricked, listening hard. It had sounded like the big wee hag, but surely.....
It came again. A low moaning sound. Rob parted the grass and silently moved towards the sound. He was curious. It might be something interesting. Or even something to fight.
He stepped through a clump of weeds and found himself at the edge of a clearing. With people.
He darted backwards and peered out through the grass suspiciously. A few years ago he might have rushed on without pause for thought but years under the tuition of the new kelda had given him a better appreciation of how good it could be to stop to assess a new situation. And now he was glad he had done so, because what he was seeing was sending shivers up his spine and freezing him in place.
Tiffany was lying in the middle of the clearing. She was naked. Rob's brain started to tick over. Never had he even once broken his word and sneaked a look at the lass while she changed, and this was all new, uncharted territory. His terrified eyes took in her head, thrown back against the grass, her hands gripping the turf with her nails over and over, her smooth skin....
And her breasts, the nipples hard and peaked, and her long legs, spread apart, and.....
Himself?
Rob staggered back from the clearing. He stared into space for a long moment, then punched himself hard in the face. It didn't help. He crept back towards the clearing and peered through again, stricken. Surely not....?
But he had been right. He watched, fascinated and horrified as a giant version of himself fucked Tiffany, his own hands pinching her nipples until she gasped, his own lips kissing her, his own cock thrusting into her hard and slow. And his hag, his wee hag who obviously wasn't so wee anymore, crying his name, telling him to fuck her faster, to bite her, to make her come. Never had he seen her like this. She hardly ever even took her hair down before she slept. Now it was tangled in the grass under her head. He was running a hand through it, tugging on it, pulling her head back to expose her throat and running his tongue over her.
Rob stood rooted to the spot as she writhed beneath his alter ego, thrusting her hips up to meet him again and again, her nails scratching lines across the blue tattoos on his back. He watched as they sped up, as Tiffany's cries became screams, as she dragged her hands through his red hair and arched her back as she came, how he bit down hard on her neck as he came just after, bruising her and driving even deeper into her than before.
And then how they relaxed into the grass, how Tiffany was gasping for breath. How he kissed her again anyway, stroking her thighs as if they were back at the beginning, not just finished.
He found his feet and backed away. Was this some sort of world where Feegles were as big as Humans? Where Tiffany and he had married after all maybe? He wandered through the grass aimlessly, hoping to come across a familiar landmark, a tree he could climb to get his bearings, anything. The farther he walked though the more disheartened he became. There was nothing here except grass. Plenty of grass, good grass at that, but no help to a misplaced Feegle.
'Wha' type o' magicky happenings is this place?' He muttered unhappily. His eyes were getting cloudy. He rubbed them impatiently, then realised the grey fog was all around him. He turned, panicked, and then the world faded away and he woke up at the foot of Tiffany's bed.

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The next morning Tiffany was turning the cheese as usual in the dairy. She was humming to herself. Rob, hiding behind a cow, thought this was out of character. But, he reasoned, after last night he was having trouble thinking anything his hag did was in character.
'Rob.' He jumped guiltily. Tiffany was standing in the middle of the dairy, glaring at the cow leg he was behind. He sidled out and tried to look as if he hadn't seen some magical version of himself doing..... things.... to her.
'Rob. You were in my room last night, weren't you.' Tiffany was saying. Ron turned bright red.
'Ach crivens,' he began, 'I were only.....'
'Did you eat some of that cheese?' She was looking somewhat redder as well he noticed, but it was a small thought, hidden behind a cloud of terrified embarrassment.
'Naw... we-eel maybe a wee...'
'Rob!'
'No! Nooo, I dinnae even ken wha' cheesy thing yer be prattlin' aboot!'
'Well. Good.' Tiffany turned her back on him and started turning the cheeses with more force than Rob thought was strictly neccesary. He climbed up to the shelf by her head and tried to be nonchalent.
'Is tha' a special cheesy then?' He ventured. Tiffany glared at him again, but she didn't look suspicious, to his relief.
'It was a Dream Cheese.' She said shortly. 'It... it's a magical thing.'
'It, er.... wouldnae ha summat ta do wi' diff'rent.... worl's?' Rob held his breath.
'What? No, of course not. How dangerous. No, you eat it and.... and you can control your dreams. One bite a night. It's silly, it's a silly thing, I just found it in a book....'
'Drams.' Rob said thoughtfully. He sat back on his haunches. 'Jus'.... drams. Crivens.'
'Yes, just dreams.' Tiffany said. She was bright red and hadn't finished the cheese as far as Rob could see, but she untied her apron and washed her hands with much more speed than normal. He watched her thoughtfully. She went to the door, but before she stepped outside she met his eyes.
'Rob.'
'Aye, lassie.' He grinned at her, suddenly feeling a lot happier. Just dreams! Not a different world, not some sort of magical kidnapping. Just a dream his hag had been having that he'd caught a glimpse of. What it involved was certainly a matter for some thought, but at least it wasn't a pressing magical other-worldly issue.
'Rob. Stay out of my bedroom.' Tiffany said. They made eye contact and both blushed. Then she fled out into the cool night air, leaving Rob in the dairy, his thoughts racing.

Author Note
Thanks for reading :) looking forward to seeing what people think!
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Soft Cheeses and Feegles