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Over and Over	By : MandiMorbid Category: S through Z > Vampire Academy Views: 7326 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Vampire Academy, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Over and Over
- 1
I feel it every day, it’s all the same. It brings me down, but I’m the one to blame. I’ve tried everything to get away.

Winter break had just started, and it was nice to have a break from classes. I was standing next to my bed, zipping my jeans up, ready to head out. I flipped a black jacket on over my tight maroon t-shirt, slipped a pair of black sneakers on, and left my room.

Lissa was expecting me. She said something about a surprise. Really, unless it consisted of a certain Russian sex god naked and displayed for me, I couldn’t care less. But she was my best friend, so I faked excitement. I was glad I could feel her emotions, but she couldn’t feel mine.

It had been two weeks since I’d visited Dimitri in his room, since we’d let desire consume us fully. I hadn’t been there since, though I desperately wanted to go. Dimitri had said we shouldn’t continue, but every time he said it, I saw the desire burn inside his eyes, the ache spill up and out his body. I could read him well now.

I sighed as I entered the Moroi dorm and went up a flight of stairs to Lissa’s floor. There were holiday decorations up, as Christmas wasn’t far off. Fake snowflakes, lights, and other little festive things.

I knocked on Lissa’s door, putting on a smile. No more thoughts on Dimitri for now, this was Lissa’s time for me.

She opened it, her platinum blonde hair straight as can be; in a pair of tight jeans and a peach color t-shirt. She smiled at me, and I stepped inside.

“So, what’s this surprise?” I asked, folding my arms, getting right to the point. She frowned.

“Oh Rose, couldn’t you guess at all?” She whined. I had to chuckle. She was adorable.

“Is it a pony?” I asked. “That I can beat open with a bat, and a bottle of vodka will fall out?” She laughed.

“No, sorry. Camille’s dad asked the school to drive her out to the mall, and she’s taking me and Christian too. She said you could come.”

I smiled. Being in the outskirts of Montana, we didn’t get anywhere very often. Getting out to the mall was a treat. And an hour and a half ride in a school van.

“Well, okay,” I said, pushing my long, dark hair back. “That’d be cool. If you can Kirova to okay it. Even after last month, she still likes to keep a leash on me.”

Kirova was the head mistress of the school, and I knew her well, having been in her office countless times. Lissa shrugged.

“Camille’s talking to her; she’ll be by to tell me later.” I nodded. “Since we’re going tomorrow.”

“Thanks for the heads up,” I said sarcastically. Lissa giggled.

“Wanna watch a movie?” She asked. I looked at her clock. It was about one in the afternoon. Yes, I’d spent my morning sleeping, enjoying myself. I nodded.

“Yeah, I don’t have practice until later.”

“You’ve still gotta train during break?” She asked, horrified. I nodded.

“Yup, but we changed it so I practice in the afternoon only, just for longer time. Means I can sleep in.” Honestly, if I had wanted break off from practicing, I could have had it. But I wanted that excuse to see Dimitri every day.

Lissa just shook her head, and we sat down on her bed to watch a movie. Just before it ended Camille came bursting in, saying the trip was a go, and we were all okay’d. We agreed to meet at the entrance hall at nine eleven AM, which was an hour or so before I might have been turning in for sleep. We were going into the human world; we had to work by their time.

I left after that, headed back to my dorm to grab some workout clothes, and then headed to the gym. Dimitri was inside, waiting for me, looking like a god, of course.

It took everything inside of me not to jump him there. No one was training, there would be no witnesses, but I forced myself to simply walk over and smile. I felt the butterflies rise in my stomach. I got them every time he was around now, and it was getting worse every day. But I knew it was only my fault. He’d never given me hope of anything between us, he’d told me to stop thinking about it. But it was all I thought about, and it was the only thing I dreamed of aside of my nightmares.

I walked past him and into the girls’ locker room, where I changed, then walked out. I left my hair down, just in case he decided we were going to run outside. Something had to keep my ears warm.

He didn’t say anything to me as we stretched for a warm up. I averted my eyes to the ground as I stretched out my muscles, trying to distract myself. Count the seconds I was holding a position. One. Two. Three…

“Lissa told me I’m going out with her, off campus with Camille and Christian too,” I said, looking up. The silence was going to kill me. “I’m assuming you’re coming…as her guardian?” He nodded. “Am I… on duty during this? Like the last time?”

He pondered it, then smiled at me. I melted. “Only if you want to be, but it would be nice. I’ve been told it will only be me and another guardian. If you don’t step up, we might have to see if we can get someone else to come.”

“I’ll do it,” I said without thinking. I’d just signed away my freedom for this trip. Oh well. “It will be easier, this way we can all fit in the van. Plus I don’t stick out if I stay close to them.”

Dimitri nodded. He straightened and walked over to me, reaching out, twirling some of my hair around one of his fingers, brushing my cheek lightly. I bit my lip. He had been very careful lately to not do anything like this, and I ached for the little affections he used to give me. But for some reason, this brush only made it all worse.

I wanted to kiss him then, to melt our lips together, fall to the floor, do everything we’d done our one night together. Again I held it all in.

We went running for a good long time, then sparred. Nothing really new. When practice was over, I changed quickly to make sure I could walk out of the gym with Dimitri. I took his hand, laced our fingers together, and when he was about to protest, I looked into his eyes, pleading.

“Please, just let me hold your hand.”

I guess he couldn’t say no, because he didn’t. He gave my hand a squeeze and walked my to the dorms. He even went so far as to walk me to my room. I looked at him, bit my lip, and my lips moved before my brain could say no.

“Do you want to come in?” I whispered. The hallway was empty. Kids had gone home for break, or were in their rooms or their friends’. The monitor wasn’t even there. Thank god for small miracles.

“You know the answer,” he whispered. I looked away.

“Yes,” I said, then looked back, my eyes dark, hungry. I think it took him off guard, because he inhaled sharply. “I know you want to, but you won’t.” I took my hand back, pressed it between my breasts, holding it. It felt warm from him. “But I wish you would.”

He sighed. “Roza,” he whispered, and I shivered. I loved the thick Russian accent he used when saying my name in Russian, hell I loved just hearing his voice say anything about me. He leaned in close, and I wanted so badly to close the gap. “You know that I cannot, and that I won’t. I’ve told you, there can be nothing between us.”

I nodded, slowly, felt something sting inside of me. God, it always hurt so bad to hear him say it. Maybe because part of me knew it was true, but the majority of me, the irrational part, wouldn’t accept it.

He left then, and I saw the struggle in his eyes before he walked away. He really did want to lock himself away with me, get lost in each other. He wanted more, much more. But he had control. I sure as hell didn’t.

I sat on my bed and figured I’d get some sleep, so I’d have energy for the night trip. I changed into some pajamas, crawled back into bed, and closed my eyes. I tried to think of the new things I might get, even if I was on duty. I didn’t have much money, but Lissa sure as hell did, and she always offered to buy me anything. I tried to think of the new clothes, maybe some more revealing ones then last time. I used to be Queen of breaking the dress code, but lately I’ve been plainer. I think I missed the old me a bit.

But the instant I thought about it, I wondered if Dimitri would think I looked good. And he was there again, in my thoughts. I tried to think of the assignments I had over break. He appeared. Of training, how I’d beat the shit out of my classmates when classes resumed. Again he was there. No matter what I did, Dimitri was in my mind.

I rolled over and gave in, thinking about him. Thinking about his gorgeous face, those eyes, his smooth skin. The way he tasted, the way he kissed me, touched me. I recapped everything that had happened between us, and fell asleep to it.

So here I go again, chasing you down again. Why do I do this?

I showed up at the entrance hall at eleven, in a pair of dark, ripped jeans, and a deep red tank top, that definitely broke the dress code. My jacket was open, so I could show it off. I’d decided to hell with it, I was having fun today. I was showing off. I was on duty, sure, but I could do that and still look good.

My heelless boots made loud noises on the floor, and everyone looked up. Of course I was the last on there. Camille was decked out in some Hollister crap, of course, and so was Lissa. Christian was in head to toe black, gripping Lissa’s hand lovingly. They had to be the strangest couple.

The other guard was one I didn’t know, but I think he was assigned to Camille currently. And then, Dimitri, with his long brown hair, in jeans and a black shirt, his coat buttoned over it.

We piled into the van. The other guardian was driving, with Camille up front. Lissa and Christian were in the middle seats, and I knew we’d be treated to an hour and a half view of their make out session, and Dimitri and I were in the back.

We took off, and just after we got on the high way, I noticed Lissa and Christian begin their little love fest. I didn’t care, so long as they were happy. The guardian in the front couldn’t really pay attention, but I heard Dimitri half groan, half sigh.

“Get used to it,” I said. “They’ll be doing it the entire trip.” He looked at me, and I smiled at him. He smiled back. It gave me a warm feeling. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t made or anything about earlier.

Camille was talking up a storm with her guardian, and I got the feeling she had a little thing for him. He wasn’t bad, I had to admit, but she could keep him all to herself. I was content in the back, alone with Dimitri.

“Will this work just like before?” I asked. He nodded. He and the other guardian would fan out around us; keep an eye on the surroundings. I’d follow the three closely, blend in with them to keep them safe. Which meant I could shop a little too, but no trying anything on, no going off on my own, ect.

I sighed, and leaned back a little. I looked at the ceiling, and I could feel Dimitri’s eyes on my, studying my curves. It made me smile.

“Going to have trouble concentrating?” I whispered, and I swear, he blushed a bit.

“No.” I smiled.

“Whatever you say.”

It feels like everyday stays the same. It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away.

We got to the mall, and I followed the three Moroi closely, like a good guardian. Though, I admit I did look around a lot, and Lissa bought me some new clothes. I managed a few moments when she was preoccupied with Camille teasing her to grad her a Christmas present though. A pink sweater with lavender butterfly buttons, and a cream t-shirt with blue butterflies. I’m not sure what was with all the butterflies, but I thought they suited her.

I was carrying my bag with her gifts, and a few other bags with clothes Lissa had bought for me when we stopped outside another store. I stared. A Victoria’s Secret. I saw Lissa try and shoo Christian away, and I stepped closer.

“You can’t just push him away, Liss,” I said. “I’m the only guardian close to you three; you all have to stay together.”

Lissa frowned, and was about to whine when the unnamed guardian stepped up. He said it was okay for Christian to come stand with him, and the two walked away. I looked around, but at the moment I couldn’t see Dimitri anywhere. Sighing, I walked inside with the girls.

“So, why are we here?” I asked as Camille took a few steps away to look at some shorts that said “Pink” across the ass. Not quite my style. Or at all.

“I need something dark and sexy,” Lissa whispered. “To surprise Christian.”

I stared, and it hit me.

“Oh, my god,” I whispered. “You guys had sex.”

She blushed, then shrugged. “Well…yeah, we did. I figured I did it with Aaron, and we weren’t together long, and I didn’t feel half of what I feel for Christian for him.” I shook my head, chuckling. “So, anyway, I want to surprise him by wearing something darker, more like…I guess not his style, but black anyway. Black and lacey.”

Just then she spotted something and she bounced off, and I was left to stand between her and Camille, looking back and forth. Thankfully Lissa ran back with an arm full of assorted lingerie items, bouncing the whole while, and Camille came over with much…lighter looking things.

“You should get something, Rose,” Lissa said. “For when you finally give in to someone. I mean, lately you’ve kinda…cleaned up.” She shrugged. “Ya know, your old reputation is nothing like you now. I never see you with guys.”

I bit my lip. Dimitri flooded my mind that instant, after being absent for a few moments. I did want to tell Lissa about him, but I just couldn’t. Not here. And not yet.

I simply shrugged. “I’ve been busy. I’ve got a lot of training to do.”

Lissa frowned. “Well, I’m getting you some stuff, so pick something out.”

I tried to fight her on this, but Lissa wouldn’t budge. In the end I picked out a few things, and felt awkward for the rest of the trip carrying around the Victoria’s Secret bag. I made sure it was between my other bags.

We were browsing through some smaller jewelry stands before we left. Dimitri and the other guardian and closed in, and were standing with us now.

I had drifted a bit from the group, getting a slight break since they were close. I used the time to survey everything, realizing I wanted desperately to get Dimitri something for the holidays and hadn’t gotten the chance. I also knew I most likely wouldn’t get off campus for a while.

Lissa yelled to me that we were leaving, and I shouted I’d be right there. She was about to question me, when Camille insisted she look at a set of earrings.

I motioned a clerk over to me, knowing I had only a few precious moments.

As we were walking out, Lissa asked, “So, what did you get over there? I saw you buy something.”

I pulled my jacket sleeve up and showed her a charm bracelet. Some of the links were blank, but there was a bat, a rose, a large L, and a few other things. Among them, a D. I’d bought it as a cover-up, but found I actually liked it.

Lissa squealed when she saw the L, knowing full well it was for her. She was turning it to examine everything, and I knew she was about to ask about the D when we reached the van and all climbed in.

I thanked God Christian distracted her the instant we were inside, so I didn’t have to explain it. Though, I wondered what I was going to tell anyone who asked. I guessed I’d say it stood for determination or something.

The ride back was fairly quiet. Lissa and Christian fell asleep fairly quickly, and Camille kept up a quiet chatter with the driving guardian.

That left Dimitri and I all alone again.

“You did well,” he whispered. I smiled. I had my jacket open again, since the heat in the van was cranked up.

“Thanks.” I moved a bit closer, our arms brushing. He looked at me with an almost warning look, and I sighed. “Hey, humor me a little.”

He rolled his eyes, and I slipped beneath his arm, leaning against him. I closed my eyes and smiled, felt his heat surround me, felt the ache his scent made me feel. I let the feelings engulf me; let my mind drift to what we could be doing if no one else was in here. I was dragged down into a world of dim lights, heavy breathing, and hungry touches. I spiraled deep into it, let the images over take my mind. I had no way of pulling away, and I realized that even if I thought I had made progress because Dimitri had stayed out of my mind for a bit, I really hadn’t. My feelings were as strong as ever, if not stronger.

So many thoughts that I can’t get out of my head. I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead. I know what’s best for me, but I want you instead. I’ll keep on wasting all my time.

I was dragged out of my world when Dimitri pulled my body over his leg, so I sat between his thighs. I gasped, and he leaned forward, his lips passing my hair and touching the back of my neck. His arms wrapped around me, his hands on my stomach. I moaned softly as he kissed the base of my neck.

“I want you,” I whispered, my voice shaking. “Dimitri, I’ve wanted you so badly since that night.” I heard him moan softly himself at the raw desire in my words, and his hands went from my stomach to my thighs, traveling up and down them softly. I squirmed a bit, brushing back against him, and I felt how badly he wanted me, too.

He kissed my neck again, leaned to the side and got below my ear. I closed my eyes again, realizing I was on the brink of losing all control and begging him to take me here. To hell with everyone else, if they saw, they saw.

I reached between us and stroked him carefully through his jeans, heard him inhale sharply and whisper something in Russian. I was about to lose it, I felt the heat rising in my body, my reason clouding-

And that’s when he stopped. He stopped kissing my neck, forced my hand onto my lap, and his hands rested on my stomach again. I whimpered, and I heard him whisper softly to me.

“No, Roza…we can’t…”

I frowned and closed my eyes, trying to calm myself. Shit, he was right. We couldn’t do this in such an open place. If someone saw Dimitri would be in so much trouble. But I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. I wanted him so badly; it hurt every part of me.

I’m not sure how, but I managed to fall asleep before we got back to the Academy. I guess my exhaustion outweighed the rest of my body’s desires.

When I woke up, I was still between Dimitri’s legs, and his arms were still around my stomach. He was whispering in my ear to wake up, and when I did, my brain remembered exactly where my body had left off.

However, I managed to get enough control to move before anyone noticed where I had been sitting, and we all climbed out of the van. We said tired good-byes, and the Moroi walked off towards their dorm, the other guardian escorting them over.

Dimitri and I were left alone. We walked towards the dorms, and he took me to my room. It was about six thirty in the afternoon for humans, morning for us. Everyone was out cold.

I opened my door and set my bags down inside, then leaned against the wall and pulled Dimitri to me. Our lips almost touched, and I felt the heat rising in me again. I wanted him. So badly.

And from the look in his eyes, I knew he wanted me.

“Let’s go to your room,” I whispered. I closed the gap then, my lips covering his. He kissed back, but made it quick, and then lifted me up. I reached out and closed my door, and he carried me upstairs to his room. I wasn’t quite sure he’d do it, and I guess I didn’t really believe it until we were inside, and I was pressed down on the bed, his lips on mine.

Our coats were shed in a matter of seconds, then our shirts. We were frantic about peeling clothing away, and my jeans went, leaving my in a bra and panties. Of course, Dimitri made quick work of that, and I was left naked, moaning as his hand went to work between my thighs. I was gripping shoulders, kissing his collar bone, egging him on through broken pleas and whimpers, which seemed to excite him further.

I let go of his shoulders and reached between us, working on getting his jeans off. He stopped, stood up, and stripped completely, then was on me again, both of us acting like lions in heat, nipping and biting, moaning with no concern of who heard. We were both beyond reason right now.

Then Dimitri stood up and lifted me into his arms. He pressed me to the wall, and I wrapped my legs around him. Our lips collided, our tongues clashed, and I shivered, digging my nails into his skin. The pain only further our frustration, and we broke the kiss long enough for Dimitri to thrust inside of me. I cried out and clung tighter to him as he ravished me.

This had to be the hottest sex a person could have. It was so raw, so feral and animalistic. It made every part of me feel so alive, every nerve stood on end, every pleasure point drummed with bliss. I nearly screamed when we both came, but Dimitri was smart and covered my lips with his own, muffling the sounds.

Dimitri lowered me to the ground, and we both curled up on his bed, still naked. I pressed against him, felt his skin, his heat, his presence, and then everything drifted away.

I heard movement before I opened my eyes. I determined it was from the hallway, staff up and moving. When I saw a clock I realized it was one in the afternoon for us, and that I’d slept half the day away. Which, mind you, I could do on my own anyways.

I opened my eyes and saw Dimitri, sleeping peacefully next to me. He looked very different asleep, so peaceful and calm. I smiled and snuggled closer, and his eyes flickered open.

“Hi,” I whispered with a smile. He wrapped an arm around me, and whispered something in Russian. I assume it was hello or good morning.

After a moment I saw Dimitri’s eyes fully open, and he looked around. I was pretty sure everything we’d done was fully flooding back to his mind, and he looked at me again.

“Don’t worry,” I said, “I can sneak out without being seen. Swear it.”

“Roza,” he said. “You know that’s not it.” I sighed. I figured as much. “We can’t keep doing this.”

“Why not?” I asked, sitting up, keeping the blanket wrapped around me. “No one has any idea, and they don’t have to.” I was willing to keep this a secret if it meant I could be with him. I’d do almost anything if it meant I could be with him. The only thing I couldn’t do was hurt Lissa.

“Roza.” He sat up and ran a hand through his shoulder length brown hair. “That’s not it. I’ve explained it to you. We cannot be together. I’m sworn to protect Lissa, and I know you want to be her other guardian more than anything. But we cannot…we can’t love each other and protect her. Our priorities will be out of order.”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to believe it. I just couldn’t. I knew being Lissa’s guardian was the best thing for me. It would keep me close to her, ensure her safety…it might give me some honor and dignity in my life.

“It’s best for you-“

“I don’t want what’s best for me!” I said, tears forming in my eyes. “I want you, dammit!”

Over and over, over and over, I fall for you. Over and over, over and over, I try not to.

I felt the tears run down my cheeks, and Dimitri pulled me into my arms. He played with my hair, whispered soothing words in Russian, held me until my tears dried. I bit my lip to calm myself, telling myself this was absurd. I didn’t cry. Rose Hathaway doesn’t cry.

“In the end, Rose, you’ll thank me,” he whispered. “In the end, you’ll be happy you didn’t choose me.”

“No I won’t,” I whispered. I shook my head. “I’ll never be happy if I don’t have you, Dimitri.” I sat got up. Standing there naked, staring at him, I felt more vulnerable than ever. I was completely exposed and at his mercy, body, mind, and soul. “Now tell me Dimitri…could you go on, could you live your life if you don’t have me? Could you feel happy if you knew I wasn’t with you? Could you ignore everything you feel for me?”

His face suddenly looked hard, cold. And before he spoke, I knew the answer.

“Yes.” I looked away before he spoke. I didn’t want to see him. Without a word I grabbed my jeans and shoved them on, threw my jacket on and half buttoned it. I scrambled to get my other clothes, didn’t even bother with my boots, and walked to the door.

Dimitri was up and in his jeans, reaching out for me. “Roza,” he whispered. “Wait, don’t leave-“

“Why wouldn’t I?” I snapped. “Why wouldn’t I leave? Obviously I don’t mean shit. Obviously you don’t want me in your life. I thought I really saw love in your eyes every time you looked at me! I thought you were lying every time you said we couldn’t be together. I thought you were lying to yourself. Now I see I was the one lying to myself. If you can just throw your feelings for me out in the cold, then you must not have any for me at all!”

With that I opened the door and stormed out. I heard him yell behind me, “Roza!”

I didn’t look back. I had no desire to. I knew the people in the hallway were looking at us, very confused, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything at all in that moment. My spirit was broken beyond repair.

I barricaded myself in my room, and when Lissa came by that night, I told her to go away. She stood outside my door for nearly an hour, pleading with me to talk to her, but I just couldn’t. She wouldn’t understand this. She didn’t need to know this. I lied and said I had a stomach bug and I didn’t want her to get it.

She said I wouldn’t be crying over that. I simply said I was in pain. She argued her point for so long, then finally left. I felt miserable chasing her away, but it had to be for the better.

I didn’t leave my room the next morning. I didn’t go to breakfast. I skipped practice the night before. Fuck Dimitri, I didn’t want to see him now.

Lissa came by again at eleven in the morning, telling me I needed to come out and eat something.

“I’m not hungry,” I said. I wasn’t crying right now, my body was out of tears. I was sitting in bed in black sweat pants and a white tank top, the blanket wrapped around me.

“You’ve gotta eat,” she said. “Please Rose, let me in!” I shook my head.

“No Lissa. Go away. Go spend time with Christian.”

“I can’t when I’m so worried about you! You’ve gotta tell me what’s wrong, Rose! This isn’t like you at all!”

I heard her sob lightly, and my heart broke more. No, I couldn’t make Lissa cry. I forced myself out of bed and unlocked my door. She burst in before I could say anything, and I shut the door again.

“What happened?” She asked, seeing my red eyes and extra pale skin. She threw her arms around me, hugging me, and suddenly I broke down all over again. The tears rushed down my face, and I clung to her for dear life. Like she was the only real thing in my life. Right then, though, she was.

She got me to get a pair of jeans and a t-shirt on, and join her in the cafeteria for some food. It was nearly empty, and no one paid us any attention.

I refused to tell her anything, and she dropped trying to get me to talk. She just tried to cheer me up.

“Christmas is so close!” She said, bouncing a little. “I’m so excited! I got Christian this amazing shirt, you should see it! It’s black and has these skulls all over it. I know it’s so not me, but it’s so him!” And she ranted, suddenly wrapped up in her own little world. That was fine with me. I tried to concentrate on every word, but realized I just couldn’t.

He was in my mind still. He’d rejected me. I’d been willing to give him every part of my heart. I’d stood there fully exposed to him, and he had rejected me. I felt like nothing.

We left the cafeteria, and Lissa asked me something I wish she hadn’t.

“You know, if you don’t want to talk to me, you could talk to Dimitri. He’s your mentor, and I know you spend a lot of time with him.”

I didn’t say a thing. Just started walking towards my dorm. “I’ll see you later, Liss,” I said, and she stood there as I walked away.

I closed myself in my room again for an hour, then forced myself to go take a shower. Then it was back to my room. I sat there in black sweats and a red t-shirt, staring down at metal in my hand.

There was a thick chain wrapped around my hand, and on it hung a small, round pendant. Inscribed, it said “Dimitri and Roza”. I’d bought it for him. I thought he’d like it, having a part of me always with him. But I guess I was very wrong.

I couldn’t bear to look at it any more. It was dark outside, and I got up. I slipped sneakers on, didn’t even bother with a coat, and went outside. Fresh, light snow was covering the ground, and the cold wind chilled me to the bone. But I didn’t care. I was on a mission.

I walked off the main part of campus and towards the woods. I didn’t go in very far, just enough so the trees covered me. I looked at the necklace in my hand again, then clutched it tight to me. I felt by getting rid of this, I was getting rid of a part of my life. A could be future. By throwing this away, I was throwing him away forever.

All of me didn’t want that. Even the rational part of me, however small it is, didn’t want him to be gone. Everything inside of me ached for him. My body longed for him, in a sexual way yes, but in a different way. He soothed me. He felt safe around me. My heart ached for his love; I wanted it so bad that I was sure I was going to die before Christmas. This was going to kill me.

I looked up at the tree tops. The kept the light of day out. It felt like night under here, like it was in my mind.

I took a deep breath and reached out, my hand clutching the chain. I could do it, I could let go. Of it, of him, of everything.

Three. Two. One-

“Roza.”

Only Dimitri ever called me that. And I knew his voice well enough that I didn’t even need to look. But I did anyway. I turned and stared at him, my eyes locking with us automatically.

They were so dark, so deep. So full of…pain. I could see it in his eyes, he was hurting.

It hurt me to see him like that, but I put on an attitude anyway.

“What do you want?” I hissed.
“I was worried about you-“

“Please,” I said. “You couldn’t care less about me. I offered you everything and you rejected me. You don’t give a fuck!”

I realized I was moving towards him, but instead of hitting him, I fell against him, pounding my fists on his chest, very feebly. I bet he barely felt it, but I did it anyway.

“Roza,” he whispered, and he wrapped his arms around me, despite my tantrum. I stilled, then melted into the embrace, unable to resist it. He felt so good, so warm.

I realized I was freezing.

“I care about you,” he whispered, stroking my damp hair. I think it was beginning to freeze. “I love you, Roza. I love you with everything I am…” I looked up at him; saw those brown eyes so open, so vulnerable. Like I was to him. He was exposing himself to me. “I just want what’s best for you…and if that meant forcing you out of my life…I’d do it.”

My lip quivered. I felt hot, fresh tears in my eyes, on my cheeks. I felt something inside of my come alive again. But yet, I felt everything hurt at the same time.

“It doesn’t,” I whispered. “Without you, I’m miserable. Love me, Dimitri. Love me like you want to, accept that we can make something work.”

He hesitated, and I saw the struggle in his eyes. I saw everything through his eyes. I saw the longing, the need, the pain and suffering, the love and affection. A war was waged in those few seconds behind pools of melting chocolate.

“Yes,” he whispered, and griped my chin, tilting my face up. He kissed me, and I trembled. The pain ebbed away, clouded over by a numbness, then a sudden flash of anxiety. He had said yes. He agreed to love me. We were going to be together.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him furiously. I felt wave after wave of pure bliss sweep through me and over to him, and through him and over to me. We were drowning in it, unable to surface, not wanting to ever see the light of the world again.

We finally broke apart, and he slipped his coat off and put it around my shoulders. He led me away, back to the dorms, back to his room, and he wrapped me in a blanket.

“Do you think I’m going to get hypothermia or something?” I asked, sarcasm laced in my voice. “Or am I here for other reasons?” I raised my eyebrows, and he laughed. Rich, thick laughter. It was music coming from him.

“You could have gotten very sick,” he said, sitting next to me. “Standing out there. What were you thinking?”

I clutched the metal in my hand, then reached out through the blanket and opened my palm up. Dimitri looked at it, and I pushed it closer to him. He lifted it up and let it shine in the dim light of his room, read the inscription softly to himself. I saw sadness in his eyes again for a moment.

“It was supposed to be your Christmas present,” I said. “But I guess you can have it now.” He looked at me, and I smiled. “Sorry if it’s…lame.”

He unclasped it and slipped it around his neck. The pendant rested down on his collar bone. It looked good on him. He smiled, and suddenly he was kissing me, softly, tenderly, like I was made of glass and he might break me.

When the kiss broke he reached over into his nightstand and pulled out a little black box. I watched as he opened it, and his cheeks reddened the slightest.

“It was for you…for the holidays,” he admitted. It was a ring, silver, with Celtic carvings along it. I stared and reached out slowly to pick it up. ON the inside, like the inscription on his pendant, it read simply, “Dimitri and Roza”. I slipped it on my ring finger, and it fit perfectly. I looked at it, then looked at him, then everything clouded over with tears. I threw myself on him, kissed him, and we fell down to the bed.

We made love again. He stared at me the entire time, his eyes never once leaving mine. I left my ring on, and he his pendant. I liked the fell of the cool metal brushing my skin. He’d told me how much he loved me, in English and Russian, whispered my name to me over and over again. He’d become a god again, fallen from grace for the shortest time, only to return a higher king.

He was everything I wanted and more. Even if he wasn’t the best thing for me, as he thought, I didn’t care. He was what I wanted the most. And I was falling for him over and over, again and again every time he whispered my name. “Roza.”

I know what’s best for me, but I want you instead…
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Over and Over