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The First Cut is the Deepest	By : TheBlindQueen Category: Twilight Series > Het > Bella/Edward Views: 6928 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

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"The First Cut Is The Deepest"

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...
Lyrics from “The First Cut is the Deepest” written by Yusef Islam

Title: The First Cut is the Deepest
Summary: Bella doesn’t jump from the cliff and Edward doesn’t return to Forks – for five years. What changes have occurred in the meantime? Can he live with what he’s done? What he’s lost?
M/F, Angst, Death, AU

***Chapter 1: Consequences***

I had once told Bella that time passed differently when it ceased to have meaning. A moment could last an eternity, an eternity might be over in an instant. She could not understand of course, being human. She was still the prisoner of time, as she so often reminded me. The passing years would make changes on her face, mark her in a way that would leave me untouched.

When I left Bella it was the hardest thing I had ever done in all my long years of existence. Walking away from her was like dying all over again; the pain of the venom was nothing next to the agony of giving her up. But I did it because I loved her; I loved her enough to leave her.

From time to time, I knew that Alice caught glimpses of her life. She never shared what she saw and was always careful to shield her thoughts. I never asked. I could not bear to know. If she was still grieving, I feared that would make me do something I would regret. Knowing she had found happiness again would not have been much better.

So I did not ask and Alice did not volunteer. Eventually, my solitude became so marked that I knew I had to escape the loving, if somewhat overwhelming attention of my family. I wanted to be alone, I needed it. I said farewell and began my journey, not knowing what I sought or where I might find it.

A part of me was tempted to give up Carlisle’s vision of what we might be. My pain was so great that there was a great temptation to spread it, to visit it upon others. I could not let my father down, though, no matter how difficult it was.

For a while, I tracked the vampire Victoria. My skills in that area proved to be less than adequate and I soon grew distracted. Victoria had no reason to harm Bella any more, in any case. Bella was not my mate, and never would be. Victoria’s motives for revenge were meaningless.

Bella was safe, of that I had no doubt. Besides, if anything threatened her, I was quite sure that Alice would break her silence and tell me. She loved Bella almost as much as I did.

From time to time, I would visit my family. The pain of watching their happiness, however, would ultimately prove too great and I would move on yet again. I became a nomad, existing on the fringes of the civilized human world, hunting when my need prompted me. Most of all, I tried not to remember her.

Six months stretched out to a year, a year became two, two glided effortlessly into three, three slid into four, and before I knew it, it had been five years since I had said good-bye.

It was then that Alice called me. Her voice was frantic when I answered, and if I had had a heart it would have stopped beating then. I knew of only one thing that could upset Alice so much. “What’s wrong?” I asked, all the time praying that what I feared was not what had happened.

“It’s Victoria,” Alice said, to my surprise.

“What about her?” It had been months since I thought of Victoria.

“I see her going back to Forks,” Alice replied.

Ah, that would explain her fear. “And…Bella?” It had been years since I said her name, moments since I thought it.

“I don’t…know,” Alice said, and her frustration was revealed in her voice.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” How long had it been since she could see Bella? And why hadn’t she told me earlier? What did it mean? Was Bella still safe? Was she still…alive?

“I can’t see her,” Alice hissed.

“What does that mean?”

“I just can’t see her, Edward. I can see Charlie, and he doesn’t seem unhappy, far from it, so I don’t think anything’s happened to her, but…” Alice sighed and I could almost see her pinched expression. “I haven’t seen anything for Bella for a while now, but I figured that made sense, she’s not a part of…” I could sense her growing disturbance.

“Alice, you’re killing me here,” I muttered.

“Just go,” Alice insisted. “Go to Forks. I can’t see Bella, but I CAN see Victoria, and what she’s got planned…” Alice took a deep breath. “Just go, Edward. Do what you can to protect Bella.”

“I will,” I vowed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forks had not really changed in the five years since I had been gone. It felt wrong to be back there, and yet right in some inexplicable way, as if my being had been torn in two and one part of me must always reside here, no matter where else I might wander.

That made sense, when I considered that I had left the best of everything I was here in this small, rainy town. I had left it behind with Bella, the only thing I could safely give her.

I circled around Bella’s house. I could hear Charlie Swan’s voice. A female voice answered him, but it was not Bella’s. As Alice said, he did not seem unhappy and I could not imagine that anything terrible had happened to Bella if Charlie was still a contented man. He had loved his daughter too much for that. My mind was put somewhat at ease.

My relief was temporary, however, when I considered that Victoria was still on her way.

I slipped around the boundaries of town, idly monitoring thoughts of various humans. I ran into no one I knew and no one was thinking of Bella. I tried not to let that frustrate me, but it was not easy. As I came to the north end of town I did notice one change. Dowling’s Garage was no longer there. In its place was a new sign. “Black’s Garage.”

I would have turned around and retraced my footsteps but two things happened. I caught the faintest hint of Bella’s scent. Even now, after all these years, it hit me like a battering ram. It struck through my granite skin straight to the hollow core beneath. My mouth flooded with venom even as my body tightened with useless yearning.

Then I heard the familiar roar of an old truck. It’s funny how just a sound can rouse up old pains. That’s what happened when I heard that truck. I could see her sitting in the cab, driving so slowly, so carefully – responsible in that as she was everything else.

I hid behind a tree and watched as the truck rumbled up to the garage. An extremely tall young man sauntered out of the garage, as if the sound of the truck was a call to him. A wide grin pulled at his broad lips, his russet face lighting up as he caught sight of the truck.

And the woman in it.

Bella stepped out, clad in an old sweatshirt several sizes too large for her slim frame, worn jeans, and hiking boots. Her hair was pulled back in a messy bun, wisps escaping to frame her pale face. She had never looked more beautiful.

I watched her, unable to look away even as I listened to the man’s thoughts. They were warm and loving, protective and intimate. He walked to her quickly, pulling her into an enthusiastic embrace. Then he swung her around and she laughed, throwing back her head even as she playfully punched his arm and ordered him to put her down.

He obeyed her, placing her tenderly on her feet, steadying her as he did so. Then his lips lowered to hers with the ease of long familiarity. Their kiss was sweet, no hurry or edge to it, but it spoke of deep and abiding passion. They knew they had all the time in the world. His large hand was splayed on the small of her back and his other hand cradled her face.

I should have turned away then. I should have left and spared myself what was to come. It might have changed everything.

Or it might have changed nothing at all.

She turned slightly then and I saw the reason for the oversized sweatshirt. His big hand moved from her back to her belly and he gently caressed the slightly rounded mound of it. Her pregnancy was probably just beginning to really show and they seemed to marvel at it together.

Bella laughed and put her hand over his. I could hear her speaking to him. “I love you, Jacob.”

My heart, long dead and silent, shattered into a million crystalline pieces.
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The First Cut is the Deepest